Originally Posted by CuriousWife2013
I think you are possibly feeling that this is all on you, to fix this? That is a lot of pressure to put on yourself.
I think you are possibly feeling that this is all on you, to fix this? That is a lot of pressure to put on yourself.
Leanne,
I assure you that this is not "a setup post". I can kind of see where you would be thinking that, but I am for real. My name is Mary and I won't give out my husbands name, that would be for him to do that. We've been married for 10 years on April 5th and this is the biggest "speedbump" that we've dealt with thusfar. I took a vow...for better or worse, I would love, honor and cherish him until death us do part. Now neither one of is dying (unless we have a heartattack from all of the lovemaking ~ he's an animal now) but we're both in pretty good shape, so I doubt that will happen either.
I just wanted to make sure that I was going about things the right way. I've always been a pretty positive person, and this isn't going to change that. Besides, like I've said before I love him...ALL of him .... FOREVER!!!
Whoa Curious. This is not on you. The fact that you accepted his cross dressing is MORE than he expected and a sign of what a loving and open person you are. There is no pressure to be his "girlfriend." Please relax, talk a lot about what he wants and most importantly what YOU want. Slow down and get your collective heads on straight then move forward. YOU can do no wrong, please remember that....I was sitting in the middle of the store cryingbecause I couldn't decide on which outfit to get him. I wanted his First Outfit to be perfect!
and all I could thinkof was that I was once again going to disappoint him.
good luck
What do you mean, "once again"? How do you feel that you have disappointed him before?
As to my prior advice to you, I read your initial post incorrectly. I took it in the beginning that you wanted to fix the CDing because you felt cheated on. But, you are very supportive! I'm sure that your husband appreciates this a great deal!
How long have you been together, and how did you find out about the CDing?
Reine
You certainly have demonstrated your support, but you seem to have burdened yourself with providing perfect support. Putting that kind of pressure on yourself isn't necessary. How about offering to take him shopping, and let him pick out things for himself? It's no less supportive, eliminates the guesswork on your part, and gets him what he wants. My wife is supportive, and (early on) bought me a few things, but she now knows that I prefer to pick out things for myself. It works.I was sitting in the middle of the store crying
Thank you, ReineD, for your welcome.
I'm happy to read your message about a "CCC" (funny idea). It makes me feel as if I were in a big family.
Thanks.
Hello Mary
First, thank you for investigating what crossdressers are about rather than just heading for the hills.
Second, CDs lean more toward the centre of the gender spectrum than most males. This is something that is innate. It may have been brought to the surface by an event or events. Some males try to repress their feminine side, which sometimes leads to negative health consequences in the long term. It is extremely unlikely to be solely something you've done. Chances are very small that he will want body modifications other than piercing(s) in his ears or other sites.
Third, there are no known therapies that remove a man's desire to crossdress in a healthy way.Reparativerepressive therapy has been widely discredited in professional circles as ineffective and unethical. One of the possible side effects of this alleged treatment is clinical depression or suicidal thoughts.
Fourth, your DH may want to dress in private from time to time. This is normal and healthy. Please don't try to take that away. It is not normally a rejection. Dressing alone does not fit my definition of cheating: failing to forsake a non-platonic relationship.
It isn't for us to decide what this means, as we don't know you or your DH. Perhaps you might consider these ideas:
1. this may be an indication something is going too fast. If such is the case, it would be a good idea to slow down a bit before something untoward happens. There are plenty of posts by CDs lamenting their overwhelming their spouse. I wouldn't be surprised if there are some CDs we don't hear about whose spouse pushed the crossdressing too hard and drove their CDing spouse into their shell or worse.
2. it may be the acceptance pendulum swinging. A respected genetic lady posted about this in a long-closed thread:
http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...It-Now-I-Don-t
3. it may be something else entirely. It's up to you to decide what fits your situation.
Some couples find ways to integrate crossdressing and other stigmatised behaviors into their relationship. In others it drives them apart.
At least one poster above made a comment to the effect you may be trying too hard to make this work for the two of you. I agree with their concern.
Finally, I'm told the GG forum is an excellent place for support for genetically female spouses of crossdressers.
Just something to think about....
What did you do to make him this way....well, since I was about 7 when I began dressing and my wife was only 4 (and we hadn't met) I seriously doubt that she had anything to do with my desire to express my feminine side. We only met about 14 years later and by then I had been wearing the clothes and makeup about as long as she had (except for her small girl things). So you see...you really had no effect.
I don't wear women's clothes, I wear MY clothes !
I'M SURE YOU HAVE HEARD AND READ THIS BEFORE --------
1. YOU DID NOTHING WRONG, I REPEAT, YOU DID NOTHING WRONG!!!!!!
2. NO, YOU CAN'T FIX IT!!!!!! IT'S IN THE "WIRING" IN THE BRAIN!!!!!
3. DON'T RIDICULE, DON'T MAKE ACCUSATIONS WITHOUT BASIS, THE BOTH OF YOU SHOULD CONSIDER MAKING PARAMETERS AS TO WHEN, WHERE, HOW!!!!!!
It's not going to be easy, but it can be done. HONESTY PLAYS A BIG, AND I MEAN A VERY BIG PART IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
Molly
"To thine own self be true"
To Curious Wife: this world would be a better place if more people were like you.
Open minded, loving, accepting,loyal and selfless. Good for you!
First of all, thank you to all who have given me advise thus far...I couldn't have gotten this far without all of you!
Okay so for the last couple of days/nights things have started to decline. After my shopping trip (which I had a breakdown in the middle of ) I've noticed that a few things have changed for the worst.
1. He won't have sex now unless he's dressed up.
2. He's started a "relatioinship" with someone he's met on Craigslist and they exchange photos. He's told this person all about me and how supportive I am and this other person just knows that his LTG won't even begin to understand his CDing so he's hiding it from her, but he wants to meet me and my SO soon.
3. My SO wanted me to wax him, and when I started on his legs (we've only gotten thru the front of them so far, we are continuing with the backs tonight). When I started the first few strips were fine for him but after awhile he was calling me a Bitch because he said I was making it hurt on purpose. I Wasn't, it's just what happens when you wax something. That hurt my feelings and I told him so, and that is why we stopped waxing.
4. After suggesting that this weekend we go out to dinner (with him dressed) he was all for that and then he said he needed something, and I said that I didn't have it, that he should go out and just buy it (I think it was a jacket), he said no, he wanted me to do it. I told him no, that I didn't have time and if he wanted it then he needed to get it. He got all upset and said that I "wasn't okay with this, and why was I lying?" I explained that I had a very busy day and he could go shopping just as easily as I could.
5. It seems like when ever we are talking now, it is only about CDing and nothing else. I told him that we needed to set up some ground rules about when to and not to talk about CDing, and he got all upset and said that now I'm trying to control him and not let him talk about this when he wants to. That's not fair, I told him that I have feelings and that I matter as well (like I've been told by you wonderful ladies), and he's all upset because I'm trying to "take care of me and my feelings also".
Help please, I don't know what to do and I am still okay with this. It's who he is and I love him...ALL of him!
Curious (aka Confused) Wife
To be completely honest, his accusing you of intentionally hurting him along with that kind of childish name calling would make me seriously wonder about his mental stability. You are clearly being more than accommodating to him, and you certainly do not deserve that kind of treatment.
Last edited by Vickie_CDTV; 03-29-2013 at 04:20 AM.
He's being an absolute and complete azzhat! He's literally off of the farm and not desrving of a caring, loving, nuturing, supporting of SOMEONE such as yourself!!!!!!! And THAT'S before factoring into the equation that he's a crossdresser! The fact that he's being a selfish, self-centered, narcisstic jerk!
Its hard being a crossdresser! Its EVEN HARDER Being the Wife of one!
Its even harder finding someone that LOVES you for who and what your are ~ as you are. And when you do, if you do ~ if you ever do? Don't screw it up!
For your consideration
I’m posting this article because at it’s core, this is what relationships are all about. It’s not about YOU it’s about YOU AS A COUPLE.
There’s a huge overuse of the word “crazy” in our culture. “My crazy ex-boyfriend, don’t even get me started,” or “my mother is twelve kinds of crazy” or “that girl I’ve been dating? Turns out she’s batsh*t crazy.” We toss the word around like a frisbee on Labor Day.
The thing is, very few people are actually crazy. According to medical research, only around 4% of the population actually has a diagnosable mental disorder. “Yeah,” you’re probably saying, “the other 96% aren’t in my dating pool.” Still, given that there are 350 million people in the U.S., if you do the math (and you know I’m serious about this if I’m doing math) it means your chances of actually meeting a certifiable nutcase is like 1 in 100 gazillion, or something. So are we all just deluded about the definition of crazy? Or is there some other explanation?
Yes: Relationships drive people crazy.
To make it worse, we’re all swimming in relationships, for the majority of our lives. Human beings are inherently gregarious — hell, we die if left in solitude. So even if you’re the world’s biggest recluse, you’re in a relationship with someone. Your mother. Your FedEx guy. Maybe your dog. And if that relationship goes badly, it will have a negative impact on your life.
The good news: since your life (and mine! And everyone else’s!) is nothing but a gurgling stew pot of messy relationships, you have plenty of practice material, and lots of time to perfect your technique.
The bad news: relationships are friggin’ hard.
Here are 5 truths about relationships that no one ever tells you. Granted, these only apply to WORKING relationships. The old trope really is true — happy relationships are all the same, but every miserable one is miserable in its own way. You can find 10,000 ways to be dysfunctional, but if you want any kind of happiness, the same principles always apply. So here goes.
1) Your relationship is not about you.
In the sliver of my college education that wasn’t drowned in cheese-covered breadsticks and booze, I recall an Intro to Philosophy course. Specifically, there was a lesson about the metaphysics of individual perception. Boiled down, it’s nearly impossible to see things from anywhere other than your own point of view. Try it — you’ll fail. No matter how hard you work to get out, you’re still inside your own head, burdened with thoughts and opinions and judgments and hurts that are not clearly visible to anyone else.
Given this human limitation, it’s nearly impossible not to think about ourselves constantly. We make valiant gestures at unselfishness and altruism, but at the end of the day we’re still selfish *******s. “Me” and “I” are ingrained in our heads, since we have no other context for living.
Unfortunately, getting as skilled as possible at seeing beyond the “me” and “I” is just about the only way to have functional relationships. The reason for this is simple: the relationship is not about you. More specifically, it is not about your thoughts and needs and opinions. It’s about caring for and meeting someone else’s.
Case in point: It’s a rainy Wednesday night, and you’re tired. You stumble home in soggy clothes, and low blood sugar is urging your brain to screech at the first individual unlucky enough to plant himself in front of you. That poor soul turns out to be your husband. Too bad! It’s not about you. At no point did this other person sign up for “absorbing all your repressed anger on weeknights.” In order to have any chance at a pleasant evening (for him, and yourself) you have to give up the “me” and hear about HIS day, his thoughts, his opinions, and whatever the hell else comes out of his mouth.
Another way to say it is “don’t expect to have someone who always tends to your needs.” (You may GET someone who always tends to your needs, but that doesn’t mean you should EXPECT it.) The purpose of the relationship cannot be for you to declare what you want and then extract it by whatever means necessary. If it IS about you taking what you want from this other person — be it a lover, spouse, parent, basically anyone but your dog — then it’s not going to work. The other person will wind up feeling like sh*t, you’ll wind up feeling like even more sh*t, and no one is
happy.
The trick is to just get over the whole “me” thing as much as possible, on a ceaseless basis. Simple, right? Not at all. Which is why 99.99999% of relationships wind up resembling a mash-up of 2012 and Armageddon.
NOTE: This does not mean “Give up your identity and shut off your own needs in an attempt at relationship martyrdom.” No one is advocating being a doormat, or pretending that you don’t have needs in order to keep the peace. In a way, shutting off means you’re still extracting what you want from the other person — by creating a fantasy, and never letting him/her know the real you.
2) You are 100% responsible for your relationship.
Guess what! Not only is the relationship not about you, but you’re also totally responsible for it! Sweet! What does this mean? For one, it means that when your partner does something that makes every cell in your body swell to bursting with liquid rage, it is your responsibility to deal with your anger, and resolve the situation. Every time.
Let’s break it down. You planned a romantic evening. You scrimped and saved to pay for it, busted your butt to get the impossible reservation, worked all weekend to make sure you have the entire evening free, bought a new outfit, and plucked every stray hair from your epidermis to guarantee the night is special. And then that UNGRATEFUL $#&@ SHOWS UP 30 MINUTES LATE, DECIDES HE’S TIRED, AND WANTS TO LEAVE AFTER THE APPETIZER!!
So what do you do?
Well, you be responsible. You recognize that right now, you have a choice — to be mad enough to melt his nose hairs with your glare, or not. No one is forcing you to scream and yell, or coldly seethe while preparing revenge, or bring up that time when his boss tried to grab your ass. It’s all up to you.
And if you want to make the choice that will have the relationship continue, you shove the “me” conversation aside (remember that damned “me” rule?) using a bulldozer if necessary. You explain to your partner in a kind, shriek-free way that you’d hoped the evening would go a different way. You communicate your point of view. You hear out his perspective, without interruption, and find a resolution (reschedule? Have him plan the evening next time?). And then you let it go.
Or, if it’s a situation that has happened 3,000 times already and he never once respects your side, you say goodbye. But breakups are fodder for another column.
3) You can either be right… or be happy.
My Great Aunt told me this once, and the foolish twenty-something that I was, I brushed her off. Oh silly Great Aunt — what an antiquated notion!
Nope — the dame was dead on. You will fight. You will disagree. If you don’t, you are robot automatons who must be vanquished with laser guns.
These fights will all, without exception, come down to a single question: Who is right, and who is wrong.
Guess what! You’re not right! Or maybe you are- – but you’re still not, if you want the relationship to continue. Think about it: What do you get from being right, and having him/her admit it? You get a momentary thrill of superiority followed by hours of surly resentful spouse. And after around 2,000 of these, you get marriage counseling (or divorce papers).
So there you have it: when you’re right, you lose. Meaning that when you’re wrong, you actually win!
4) Your partner is exactly who she/he is right now, and will never be anybody else.
God your boyfriend is great. He’s so smart he can recite pi to the 500th digit. He’s so handsome he melts the wings off canaries and so charismatic he charms maximum-security inmates with the force of his smile. In fact, he’d be stone-cold perfect IF ONLY HE’D CHANGE THIS ONE ASPECT OF HIS PERSONALITY THAT MAKES YOU WANT TO MURDER BABIES AAAGGGHHH!!!
Guess what: He won’t change. Either accept him exactly as he is (and continue accepting him every day ’til the zombie apocalypse) or bid him adieu. Once again, it’s your choice – so choose.
5) If your relationship with yourself isn’t working, don’t expect your other relationships to be any different.
I know. It sucks that this is true. When a relationship goes bad (or when anything goes bad, for that matter), it’s so tempting to beat up on yourself and ask a million questions about what you did wrong and suffer in exquisite agony over why he dumped you and scream at the moon “WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME WHY AM I SUCH A DEFECTIVE CLUMP OF CARBON MATTER!!!!!!”
But I can tell you right now: There’s nothing wrong with you. Or, at least, there’s nothing more wrong with you than any of the things wrong with me, or your partner, or any other human being roaming the earth. So halt the self-inflicted suffering whenever you can (it’s like a reflex, I know) and be kind to yourself. Loving, even. Think about how awesome you are.
Take loving care of yourself. Because if you do, you’ll get good at meeting your own needs — and that’ll be a massive help when it comes time to hear out the needs of someone wonderful and new. Since after all, the next relationship’s not about you either.
Last edited by Dana3; 03-29-2013 at 04:49 AM. Reason: Quotations Marks
Cross dressing aside? Its entirely psssible he's got other issues ~ that haven't anything to do with crossdressing ~ just his basic personality. From your posts I would suggest for your consideration
Symptoms
By Mayo Clinic staff
Narcissistic personality disorder is characterized by dramatic, emotional behavior, which is in the same category as antisocial and borderline personality disorders.
Narcissistic personality disorder symptoms may include:
Believing that you're better than others
Fantasizing about power, success and attractiveness
Exaggerating your achievements or talents
Expecting constant praise and admiration
Believing that you're special and acting accordingly
Failing to recognize other people's emotions and feelings
Expecting others to go along with your ideas and plans
Taking advantage of others
Expressing disdain for those you feel are inferior
Being jealous of others
Believing that others are jealous of you
Trouble keeping healthy relationships
Setting unrealistic goals
Being easily hurt and rejected
Having a fragile self-esteem
Appearing as tough-minded or unemotional
Although some features of narcissistic personality disorder may seem like having confidence or strong self-esteem, it's not the same. Narcissistic personality disorder crosses the border of healthy confidence and self-esteem into thinking so highly of yourself that you put yourself on a pedestal. In contrast, people who have healthy confidence and self-esteem don't value themselves more than they value others.
When you have narcissistic personality disorder, you may come across as conceited, boastful or pretentious. You often monopolize conversations.
You may belittle or look down on people you perceive as inferior. You may have a sense of entitlement. And when you don't receive the special treatment to which you feel entitled, you may become very impatient or angry. You may insist on having "the best" of everything — the best car, athletic club, medical care or social circles, for instance.
But underneath all this behavior often lies a fragile self-esteem. You have trouble handling anything that may be perceived as criticism. You may have a sense of secret shame and humiliation. And in order to make yourself feel better, you may react with rage or contempt and efforts to belittle the other person to make yourself appear better.
When to see a doctor
When you have narcissistic personality disorder, you may not want to think that anything could be wrong — doing so wouldn't fit with your self-image of power and perfection. But by definition, a narcissistic personality disorder causes problems in many areas of your life, such as relationships, work, school or your financial affairs. You may be generally unhappy and confused by a mix of seemingly contradictory emotions. Others may not enjoy being around you, and you may find your relationships unfulfilling.
If you notice any of these problems in your life, consider reaching out to a trusted doctor or mental health provider. Getting the right treatment can help make your life more rewarding and enjoyable.
This is totally unacceptable! Anytime two people involve a third party into the most intimate parts of their lives? Its going to be a train wreck from Hell. There are some that do, and who are totally acceptable doing it? But for most its dismall failure.He's started a "relatioinship" with someone he's met on Craigslist and they exchange photos. He's told this person all about me and how supportive I am and this other person just knows that his LTG won't even begin to understand his CDing so he's hiding it from her, but he wants to meet me and my SO soon.
Its likes when I sold cars for all of six months?
There are some that make a really good living at it! Make it a life long carrer. Some succed at it ~ but most don't! 60% of all salesmen are out of the sales buiness within the first six months! A whopping 90% are out of it within a year!
A case of some do? But most don't!
I guess your wants, needs, desires, fantasies as just an individual and a woman don't matter, Huh?He won't have sex now unless he's dressed up.
I think the "Four Finger" rule applies here?
When you're pointing the finger at someone? You need to look at the three that are pointing back at you!
Wow! Reality what a freakin' concept! Guess fantasising about getting girly and actually doing those things which getting girily means and entails are two totally different things! Lets face it! It one thing thinking, dreaming, fantasizing about it?My SO wanted me to wax him, and when I started on his legs (we've only gotten thru the front of them so far, we are continuing with the backs tonight). When I started the first few strips were fine for him but after awhile he was calling me a Bitch because he said I was making it hurt on purpose. I Wasn't, it's just what happens when you wax something. That hurt my feelings and I told him so, and that is why we stopped waxing.
Doing it (Especially every montiousious, boring, repetive day of your Life) is another!
You think wearing a VS thong is sexy, cool, etc?
Try wearing gauging lace and dental floush thong while working in a hot, sweaty auto assembly plant for 12 hours straight? You'll think twice before you ever do that again ~ I promise you!
FantasyLand has a population of ONE!!!!!
I think that because this board is focused on the CD'ing aspects of life we sometimes overlook other issues. Let not forget that some people are just nasty self centered jerks! And some of those jerks just happen to be CDs.
It sounds like he is self centered and insensitive. My advice? Do not allow him to hide all of his personality faults behind the cross dressing TG subject. He doesn't get a hall pass to be an A-hole just because he is a CD! Call him on it when the excuses and justification starts!
For lack of a "Like" button?
I agree!
We're not all jerks, fools, and clowns!
Answers:
1. You broke the yoke in his eggs too often.
2. Yes, tape up the eggs with duct tape before breaking the shells.
3. The best way to support him is to again, use the duct tape to tie his arms and legs together. Next, wrap the tape tightly around the chandelier in the dining room. This should provide enough support to hang him there until you return with another dozen eggs and more tape.
oh I get it now, you wanted serious replies. Well then that's entirely different. Sorry.
Answers:
1. You did nothing. He was born this way.
2. No because nothing is broken. This is who he is and he is normal .
3. Talk, learn, accept. He too must do the same.
The change from the first post to now has been totally amazing and disgusting ! No one (especially anyone as kind and considerate as you have been) deserves to be treated as you have been. His behavior it totally unacceptable of one human being to another whether the one is a CD or not ! Good luck !
Diane
STOP THE TRAIN!
Curious, it's ok to be ok AND slow down. He's in the preverbal pink fog, too much too soon and clouding his judgement. Or maybe he's just an ass. Either way, you need to slow everything down AND tell him that things have progressed too far too fast for your comfort level. Print out this thread and give it to him. Let him soak in all the comments. Ask him to join here.
He is totally unreasonable. Address this now. Good luck
Curiouswife, I suspect maybe you did do something he was not anticipating. It is possible he was not expecting you to be supportive and accepting of his cross dressing. Maybe, he was expecting you to become an irate wife who would throw negative comments at him. Maybe, he wanted you to throw him out of the house/marriage so he can engage in behavior that is outside of your comfort zone. Maybe, once you accepted his increasing self center behavior, the question may become "How do I get to do what I really want to do?"
Frankly, I think you are headed into or have been an abusive relationship. Husbands do not treat wives in the manner he is doing. It's at a minimum self center boorish behavior.
@CuriousWife2013 - I'm amazed at all that has happened in the four days since your first post. What a week! Usually this stuff would unfold over a longer time frame. What a whirlwind for you both, oh my goodness!
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