Out

[ossian]

There are elements of this that are similar to my story. Hummm.........

[AmyGaleRT]

Paula dear, you've taken the first step, and that's the important thing. Nothing else, nothing, would have ever gotten resolved without it.

It's predictable you've run into some resistance on her part. Don't rush to judgement that "you've killed your marriage" or something like that. Give it time to resolve itself and stabilize, or to give real indications that it won't. Keep the lines of communication open, and always, always tell her you love her.

I shall remain hopeful for your situation.

- Amy

[Amanda M]

I wish the best for both of you, whatever that may turn out to be. I would encourage her to get on this form, and if she thinks I can help, tell her to PM me.

[Lisa Gerrie]

I think I need a chainsaw and to go clear some trees.

Paula, if you still like doing stuff like that (as I do) then she probably has nothing to worry about. The person she loves isn't going away, just evolving.

[Jenni Yumiko]

No Paula, you haven't. My wife cried for 5 days before it became really discuss able. She's going through the normal range of emotions, its good that she has someone who can "set her straight" about what cding is and isn't. Remain supportive!
Sorry I missed you last night, I fell asleep.ill be on after 7est tonight.

[suzy1]

My heart bleeds for you Paula.
You sound like you are so nice, kind and loving to your wife. You could not have done more.

We can only hope for the best now.

Thinking of you,

Suzy

[Beverley Sims]

Paula,
You have jumped the first hurdle,
now you need to show caring for her.
I suggest you do not bring the subject again until she raises it.
Carry on with daily tasks as normal, always with a smile,not quite like a Cheshire cat but a pleasant demeanor will help a lot.
Try not to snap back when asked something and try and feel soft and considerate as you would normally be.
You do not have to change overnight because you declared it but a waiting game is in order now.
If you dress as a woman always present as she desires and as tastefully as possible.

[traci_k]

Paula,
You did the right thing opening up communication. You didn't do anything to her - it was there all along and it was hurting your marriage. You can't keep these issues bottled up, otherwise like a pressure cooker, they explode elsewhere. You're also giving me the courage to talk to my wife. Anytime you want to talk you know you can PM me. Were both kind of the new girls on the block.
HUGS!

[slamddoger]

thank you for shar your story hop that thing will troun out good for you

[PaulaQ]

Thanks everyone. We hugged last night - she came into my office, knocking to make sure she didn't catch me doing something (we will have to work on this, only thing she might see is me talking on this forum). She couldn't sleep. We embraced, and she told me she can't be without me. I went out and got ice cream, and we ate it and watched a movie til 3am.

I'll take this one day at a time.

[Stephanie47]

Paula, first do not expect any miracles. My wife and I explored my interest in wearing lingerie when it was nothing more than bedroom sex play. Back in the early 1970's neither of us knew anything about transgender issues. So, together we discovered my interest in wearing women's clothing was more than bedroom play. When my wife and I had our 'discussion' one of the things she said was concerned the inability to discuss a cross dressing husband with anyone. Yes, it would be easier to talk about cancer than cross dressing. I think someone on this forum expressed that situation as the wife joining us in the closet. That seems to cover the situation.

It's been thirty years since our discussion. You and your wife need to establish boundaries. She will never forget the discussion and your revelation. I have chosen to not try to express any segment of my desires in front of her. Our attempt to have her buy me a pair of panties did not go well. It was torture for her. So, I realized I was going it alone on this aspect of my personna. It's basically a 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell.' I do not shave my legs, although they are almost devoid of hair anyway. Clean shaven legs would be a reminder for her and an issue with trying to explain to others. Basically, you cannot tell by any visual means I am a cross dressing husband. I shave once every three days unless it is femme time.

I really do not want to force anything on my wife that she does not approve of or enjoy. I kind of throw the issue into the same category as "If you want to go fishing with the guys, that's OK. But, don't expect me to clean it!"

This entire issue is like dropping her favorite heirloom vase on the floor and watching it smash to pieces. After gluing it back together, it will never be flawless again. The vase will have many cracks.

[Lynnmorgan451]

YOU ROCK ! ! ! Paula, I hate seeing that you might think you destroyed your marriage. I felt the same way when I came out to my wife. Now, over a year later, its still messy. No sugar coating here. This type of thing is a huge deal and many women can't (won't) handle it or even consider dealing with it. I just want you to know that I feel like you did the right thing by telling her. You will both have good moments and bad moments but overall, I believe you both will be happier people now. Large secrets have a way of destroying beautiful relationships and lies do NOT make for a good marriage in any capacity. It's obvious that you love each other. I'm proud of you! xoxo

ps...your post gave me chills when I read it and I got all teary eyed.. xoxo

[AllyCDTV]

Paula:

There was a great chance that the emotional trauma that you were going through would have torn apart your marriage sooner or later and most probably sooner. You now have hope that things can be worked out. That's about all any of us can ask for.

[Barbara Ella]

Paula, Congratulations for having the courage to bring your wife into the circle. I know it will be rough on her. It will also be rough on you. You both will need time to heal the trauma. Please do not become alarmed if her emotions change from day to day. My wife cried for nearly a week constantly, then went into total acceptance and assistance, and then went into complete DADT, and we are now in a positive communication phase, but not dressing around her on my part. Even now, there are nights when she cries thinking about this and the unknown future. No matter the reassurances, the future is unknown, we know we cannot make any promises/guarantees, just what we are feeling.

ONE THING....If you can, avoid the DADT. Not talking is a surefire way to build up insecurities and doubts about not knowing exactly what the other is thinking/doing and each is left to think the worst. This was the most awful period with my wife. COMMUNICATE, dear, don't let her go through this without your continual expressions of support. Although it is very good that she has a friend, but she needs you, and you need her. INTERACT with her at all times. Don't push your TGism, but make sure it is you in front of/with her.

Don't expect answers quickly, and don't ask her for any decisions, let her offer when she is ready. Just offer your answers honestly to her questions and concerns. get educational materials for her. If you haven't already, get "My Husband Wears My Clothes," by Peggy Rudd. There are others.

You are in my prayers, dear.

Barbara

[kimdl93]

Dont hate yourself, and don't wish you had something more positive to share - Like "Honey, I have cancer". Yes, this is difficult, especially in a first conversation, but compared to the host of other potential problems, having a transgendered spouse is really not that bad a thing...it just takes time getting used to.

Its a positive to be able to talk about this, even if your wife has some reservations. Now, you've been honest, open and trusting. My hope is that, with time, she'll digest the reality and come to understand that what she loved about you is still present, and that your relationship can grow stronger if she's able to come to terms with it. Give her time, and do respect her need to work through things. But don't leave it at DADT forever...bring the subject up after a period of time and let her know you're willing to talk more whenever she is. Best of luck.

[MissTee]

Hang in there and be understanding. You'll likely experience a range of unfamiliar emotions as you work through this as a couple. My wife will say that me in a dress is better than me not at all. Hence, I'm told I'm "lucky." My wife and I have lived through the loss of a child and near death of another, and the traumatic loss of a grandchild who lived with us. I was near mortally wounded during my military career. We lived through all that as a couple and, again, Cd-ing is no big deal and she simply cherishes having a good shopping partner. Perspective, I suppose. Good luck.

[UNDERDRESSER]

To start, kudos on your bravery, it's not easy. Second, This part of you post is what gives me hope that you can make it work.

.

- for her to keep loving me, I couldn't bear to lose her

She's worried that this will affect the intimate part of our relationship, and be the beginning of the end of our relationship. I told her I worried about these things too, and that I was dedicated to trying to find a way to avoid these problems, because I loved that part of our relationship too, and felt it was extremely important.

.

I assume that your current intimate relationship is with you as a man, yes? And you enjoy that? Is it impossible for her to accept you as a male, her lover, and at other times, a female friend? From what I read on here, many do have this kind of dual relationship.

[PaulaQ]

I assume that your current intimate relationship is with you as a man, yes? And you enjoy that? Is it impossible for her to accept you as a male, her lover, and at other times, a female friend?

Yes, that's right. I don't mind being the man in bed, it is enjoyable. I know she is worried about this aspect of our relationship. I'm unsure she'll be able to handle the oddity of seeing a female version of me. This is definitely outside of her frame of reference.

I'm informed tonight that she's over being shocked, and is now very angry. I wasn't quite sure what to say, other than it is a terrible situation, and that I didn't blame her for feeling anger.

[TeresaCD]

In a sense, Paula, I see that as positive - she's perhaps moving forward in her grief.
I hope things continue to improve as time goes by.

[PaulaQ]

I do too Theresa. We'll see how it goes though. Ultimately, my job in the relationship is to be superman, and bulletproof. Damned pink kryptonite...

[UNDERDRESSER]

In a sense, Paula, I see that as positive - she's perhaps moving forward in her grief.
I hope things continue to improve as time goes by.

I think so too. Why is she angry? That is the question. Does she have a point? Can you two get past that? Good luck, we're all rooting for both of you. To your wife, if you ever gets to this point, this is hard for him, most of us haven't had a clue how to deal with this until fairly recently, we had no more frame of reference than you. The common instinct is to repress, hide, feel shame. We shouldn't, but that's what society has pushed on us. Sorry if it has hurt you, we didn't want that, but we literally had no way of figuring this out, until the present day. The information and points of view weren't there.

[PaulaQ]

I think so too. Why is she angry? That is the question. Does she have a point? Can you two get past that?

Why angry:

1. The last few years have been the happiest years of her life. She doesn't want anything to change. She's angry about that.
2. She feels I've given her an ultimatum - accept this, or divorce. That would end the life she loves. I've made no such ultimatum, but it's what she tells herself.
3. She wants the man she loves to stay the same. I'm changing - possibly quite a lot.
4. She wants to grow old here, have grandkids visit here (we don't have any yet), and ultimately die here. Because of this, that is by no means certain.

I've really made no such demands, I've just said "I can't stop this, I think it will really damage me, I've tried before, and it damaged me both times." I don't really like to say something like that - but I believe it is the truth.

She doesn't feel deceived - she understands why I had trouble admitting this to myself. She just doesn't want to accept it, at least not yet.

Look, she likes macho, John Wayne type guys. She was furious with me for a week when I didn't know how to change the headlight in her car. (I'm hopeless at stuff like that - why someone who likes macho men married me is really a mystery to me.)

And yeah, I think she has every right to be angry. I fully anticipated her anger, and sense of loss over the parts of life that she's loved. I'm hoping we can salvage most of this, but I hate what this is doing to her.

When does CD start being fun? Because so far - I hate this. Not as much as I hate myself, but it's up there. I just don't seem to be able to stop. Seriously - when does the magical journey of self-discovery and exploration begin? Because so far, this thing has been like a curse all my life.

[Lisa Gerrie]

She feels I've given her an ultimatum - accept this, or divorce. (...) I've made no such ultimatum,

Hmm, it seems to me that you have. "This is who I am and it is no longer possible for me to ignore it" is pretty much the same as "I have come to accept this, and now you must too." If she truly can't accept it then separation seems inevitable. But my gut says you'll stay together.

Shock, then anger, perfectly natural. The five stages of grief apply here too. Next comes bargaining, or has that already begun?

I can't tell you how much I admire your courage.

[PaulaQ]

Hmm, it seems to me that you have. "This is who I am and it is no longer possible for me to ignore it" is pretty much the same as "I have come to accept this, and now you must too." If she truly can't accept it then separation seems inevitable. But my gut says you'll stay together.

If I don't deal with this, I'm reasonably certain I'll die, or worse. Probably worse. I never die - god doesn't like me that much. I don't really see what choice I have - saying "I'll quit" would just be a lie. I hate to be like that, but it is the truth. I'm willing to do what I can to compromise, but if it's all or nothing - the last two bouts I've had with this came pretty close to ending me. And this one is shaping up to be the worst, by a lot.

And yeah, I'm watching my wife through the five stages of grief here. My life experiences probably give me a lot better chance of getting through all this stuff in one piece than many others. I always seem to keep going, and I always get better.

I hope if we can stay together, that it can be in some semblance of happiness. Just staying together, in anger and bitterness, doesn't seem like much of a kind of a life. That's what my grandparent's marriage was like - it was horrible to watch. Maybe that's what I'm reenacting here - except I'm the other woman, too. :|

[TeresaCD]

Expressing myself by crossdressing I would describe as fulfilling, exciting at times, but am starting to believe is a part of what makes me who I am.
Definitely not an easy thing though - that's my point.
One day at a time Paula, don't give up, I'm sure she's worth it.
And so are you.
You have friends here, I know. Count me as one.