First off, I do not believe that I rushed into HRT at all. I did my homework. I discussed it with my therapists, my wife, and certain other friends and family, including some friends I have here. I made the decision to begin HRT, and being on HRT is the right thing for me. Would that I could go back and undo this decision, I would not.

Even more, I have not regretted the decision to be on HRT for even one minute since beginning. I am a much, much better person for it, and I believe this to my very core.

As for my wife, I have always been honest with her to the extent I am honest with myself. I have not lead her astray. We had many discussions about this. My wife even had one on one private time with my gender therapist about all of this. And I can assure you, my therapist did not sugar coat the reality of any of this. Nor should she have.

Regardless, at least for the time being, my wife is supportive of me being on HRT.

As for whether I know in my heart what I am ultimately going to do - maybe I do, maybe I don't. The thing is, if I do know, I am not willing to admit it to myself yet.

And maybe this has to do with fear and risk. Or maybe it doesn't. Or maybe it's a combination of things.

Still, I do recognize that if I transition I put the survival of my marriage at tremendous risk. My wife has told me as much herself. Of course, I don't blame her for feeling that way, but I have a lot invested in my marriage (as does she). And most importantly, my wife is my partner, and I love her dearly. Who wants to lose someone they love?

If I can do what I need to do, whatever that ultimately may be, and retain my marriage, then yay me, right??! I mean, I certainly can't be blamed or criticized for refusing to give up, can I? I can't be criticized or blamed for retaining hope that my wife and I may be able to survive this, right?

Also, my wife is no dummy. In fact, she is much smarter than I could ever hope to be. And she is more accomplished by far. I cannot even hold a candle to her. Nor do I even try, because there is no need - we are a team and a partnership.

So do not make the mistake of underestimating her understanding of what is going on here. Or her ability to understand it.

In any event, there are still a lot of maybes and unknowns here. This, of course, is why we all spend so much time on here in the forum, in therapy, in thoughtful and introspective reflection, in debate, or doing whatever else obsessing over these issues and questions.

To date, I have answered a lot of questions that I was unable or unwilling to answer not so very long ago. However, as do most of us here, I still have more to figure out, more to answer, more to come to terms with, and more to learn.

I'm not going to make any decisions without thorough analysis or research. I believe I have made much progress to date, and that I will continue to make progress in the future. I am not sure how such progress in the future will be defined, but we'll see.

Anyways, I am not willing to give up on my marriage yet. Neither is my wife.