Quote Originally Posted by Momarie View Post
But it isn't fair to hold all the cards and then get angry and claim victim when a spouse doesn't know what she does.
Who said I was angry??! And who says I hold all the cards??!! I am neither angry, nor do I hold all the cards. At the end of the day, if my wife decides she can't take this anymore, or that she no longer feels the same about me as she once did because of this, she can kick my ass out. THAT is a pretty damn big card SHE holds, in my view. I have needs that I most address, or I will literally lose my mind, go insane, and die inside. I am barely functional in day to day life as it is. I am barely holding it together as is. If my wife so chooses, and it's not like I wouldn't understand, she can end our relationship this very moment. That is a powerful, powerful card over MY life that she holds.

As for being a victim - I did not CHOOSE this. I did not ASK for this. I have no CHOICE in the matter. But I get that my wife did not ask for this, either. She does not want it. It is what it is, though. And what it is is grossly unfair to both of us.

As rough as this is for you Anne, you put yourself out here.
True. I did put myself out here. But you know what? I did so because I was desperate. I did so because I wanted to DIE. I did so because I had very real thoughts of suicide on a regular basis. The thought of stripping my sweet, beautiful daughter of her innocence and childhood in this manner, though, caused me to completely break down crying hysterically more times than I care to count. That I still had such thoughts anyways scared the hell out of me. During those dark days when my GD is at its worst, I care about NOTHING except her. Bringing her into this world is the single most important thing I have ever done and will ever do. She is my rock, to the extent anything CAN be my rock. Still, I have wanted to die. I have wanted to kill myself. I have wanted a drunk driver to just randomly plow the **** out of me on the road and obliterate my ass from this cold, cruel, ****ed up world.

I HAVE TO DO THESE THINGS TO MAINTAIN MY SANITY AND SURVIVE!!!

Deciding to pursue HRT and ultimately beginning it was the single best decision I have made. True, I made the decision for myself, and perhaps you can argue I did so selfishly.

But here's the deal - that was the first REAL decision that actually matters that I have ever made for ME in my entire life. I did it for ME!! And it felt DAMN good!!! It was absolutely necessary. Most importantly, doing so gave me hope that perhaps I can make my life work.

Because in the end, if I go nuts, loss my job because I can't function in life, and kill myself because I am a complete, total, irreconcilable mess, WHO does that serve??!! Not my wife. That's for sure. And definitely not my daughter. Nor does it serve my friends, family, or community. It serves no one but me.

On the other hand, if I progress forward, and somehow get my shit together, I certainly serve myself. But I also serve my daughter, hopefully my wife, and my friends and family.

So did I really put myself out here??!! I am not so sure that I did. I think circumstance put me out here. Because between the choices and decisions I have made, in comparison to the alternative, it's not really a choice or decision I have made at all, is it?

Simply put, what it is is survival. Just plain and simple survival.