Sorry, the following is chronologically backwards.

OK, Paula is back in the building. I'm doing MUCH better. I had a nice evening out at my TG support group, and I got my car back today, so I felt much better. I spent the better part of the day, dressed as Paula. Switched back to go get my car, and then got dressed again to go to my support group. (Blue blouse, girl jeans, pewter ballet flats, wig, forms, makeup.) After the meeting, I hung around talking to the girls, and then I went to IHOP, en femme. First time I've done something like that. I went by myself, the waitress called me "ma'am", so I must pass! ( no I don't, she was just nice. I tipped her $5 on a $10 check though.)

Earlier in the day, I was pretty gone. I woke up at 11AM, and figured out pretty fast that I needed paxil and xanax right off the bat. I was *extremely* anxious. I was *not* going to look into a mirror. I was afraid I'd see that "thing" again. A flabby, pale, misshapen abortion of a being - a loping monstrosity from some Lovecraftian tale. (But better written...) This is not the type of thing you want to see when you look in the mirror, real or not.

My wife called, and while normally I'm able to hide my emotions really well, I was just too gone to do that. She asked "How are you", and my quavering voice replied "I'm not feeling well today hon." She replied "I'm going to come on home and take care of you." I didn't want that - she is part of the problem right now. So I told her "No, don't do that hon, I'll be OK. You don't want to see me right now anyway." (Meaning I was crossdressed.) She told me "I can get over whatever I need to get over to take care of you." But I told her "I'll be fine hon, don't worry about me - just go on to your class. I'm going to call my therapist, and I'll let you know how that goes."

So I call my therapist, and tell her what's going on, and how bad I feel. I tell her "right, next week, we're talking hormones. Ready or not, I'm way to close to the 'or die' side of 'transition or die'." So we'll talk about it. I think she believes it's too soon. Oh well, should make for a lively discussion. I promised her that if I felt close to doing something stupid, I'd go to an emergency room and call her. I really wasn't sure that I ever intended to return home the night before. I was in a bad state.

What precipitated all this was Tuesday, as I realized that all the people my wife had outed me too, except one, had shared gossip with me about other people. Boring stuff about who was sleeping with who. As I realized that me, as a transgender person, made for *much* juicier gossip, and that half a dozen people were now in on this, I did the only thing a sensible person who's been outed could do - I completely and totally melted down. I was terrified about who knew what. I was furious with my wife for violating my confidence and telling so many people. But mostly I was freaked out. I looked over in the bathroom mirror, and what stared back at me scared the hell out of me. It was the monster version of me that I saw during my mental breakdown at age 18. I could feel my emotions just shutting down, one by one as my mind screamed in pain. Death started to seem like a really good idea - it'd be so much less painful.

My wife got home, noticed I was upset, and asked me about it. So I told her I didn't appreciate her outing me to so many people. Her initial reaction was "KISS MY ASS!" She asked "what did your therapist think?" I told her "She said outing me to so many people, without discussing it with me, was uncool." "SHE CAN KISS MY ASS TOO! YOU DROPPED AN ATOMIC BOMB ON MY LIFE! WHAT RIGHT DO YOU HAVE TO BE ANGRY ABOUT ANYTHING!!!" She was certain her friends wouldn't betray her trust. I pointed out the gossip about others we'd heard from these same people, and she said "WELL THIS IS DIFFERENT!!!" And I pointed out "Hell, yeah, it's different - this is WAAAAAAY more interesting gossip!" The discussion went downhill from here. "I DON'T CARE IF YOU DANCE DOWN MAINSTREET IN A F'ING DRESS. I WON'T BE WITH YOU, BUT IF YOU WANT SECRETS, I'M NOT YOUR GIRL!!!"

So I left. I wasn't sure that I intended to return home. I was feeling really death-positive. How bad can it be, really? A little discomfort, and then sleep. I stopped for gas - I was on fumes, and she texted me, asking "are you more mad that I told people, or that you don't have anyone to talk to yourself?" So I texted back "Some of both, but nevermind, I don't have anyone I want to tell anyway." She texted back "look, I love you, and you need to talk to someone. Come home, we need to talk." So I filled up the car, got some ice cream for us, and went back home. And I'm glad she texted me - I can't honestly tell you I wouldn't have decided to see how much fun I could have with the lake, a tall bridge, and a car.

We talked for a couple of hours. She apologized for not talking to me before outing me. (One of the people she outed me to, our neighbor, will probably be an OK deal. Her daughter is bi, and involved in the LGBT community.) She pointed out that she can't untell anyone though. We talked a good long while - she does love me, and she's really trying. She's absolutely certain that there is no happy ending to our story. She will stay with me until she can no longer abide the changes in me. She's also afraid I'll move out and leave her holding the bag, broke and in debt. I told her I'd never do that - she had to know that. But she said "I don't know what you are capable of anymore - I didn't know you were capable of this." All of that was pretty awful to hear, but I told her that I still loved her, and that I had hope - despite the seeming impossibility of our situation. I asked her "How can you be so certain I'll transition?" She said "You've never done *anything* by halves, in the entire 20 years I've known you. If you go for something, you go all the way." She has a point. Honestly though, I don't think it will be my decision. I think it is going to boil down to avoiding suicide or insanity from gender dysphoria. If I can get to a stable point, maybe I can avoid a transition. But so far, I'm falling further down the rabbit hole, and I seem to be accelerating.