Out

[PaulaQ]

So I got a text from my brother-in-law this evening, Yeah, my wife outed me to someone else. At least this time she asked me - unfortunately, she only asked me after she outed me. I told her I don't trust her and I don't feel safe being Paula while she's in the house.

We'll stay together until after our son gets married. We're seriously talking about how we separate and divorce. We're done. It'll take a while to unwind, but we are done.

I'm considering giving myself permission to completely melt-down. Options:
1. Storm around the house enraged breaking stuff until I break one of my own limbs
2. Cry myself into a catatonic stupor
3. The big sleep

Opinions? Oh wait, I can't do that - too many people in my life need me. What about what I need? Who ****in' cares, apparently. I just need to hang on to give and give and give and give and give and give and give and give and give and give and give and give and give until I'm used up.

edit:
Thanks everyone for the votes! Storming around the house like a crazy person won by a landslide. Popping a xanax now to try to avoid property damage...

[TeresaCD]

Yep, I like option 1 too, or 2, as both allow you to release what's inside. You are way to special and valuable for 3, honey.

[Kathy Smith]

I'll vote #1 too.

Perhaps you should find somewhere with a big plotter and get them to make a very big copy of post #177. You could stick it to the wall to show WHY option 1 is happening.

[Angela Campbell]

I would probably do #2

But thats just me.

[PaulaQ]

Awake now. Woke up earlier to a panic attack. Took Xanax.

I know now what I've always known - I am a monster. There is no place on this world for me.

[TeresaCD]

No more or less than the rest of us Paula. Hang in there.

[PaulaQ]

Hey, I have more to post, but I'm still not 100%, so it'll have to wait until later. I just hate to leave a thread where I say such awful things, and then suddenly stop communicating. I'm pretty fragile, and I just haven't had the energy to write much. (Most of my energy has been spent on not having a panic attack.) I am doing MUCH better, although I'm still shaky.

BTW, the monster I have always identified with has been Mary Shelley's Creature, in "Frankenstein: or the Modern Prometheus". Intelligent, sensitive, and made of human flesh, but not human. Unable to fit into our world, and ultimately isolated. I wouldn't go after revenge - I totally don't approve of the creature's behavior in that regard - but floating off on the ice in the arctic has definitely seemed like a pleasant thought many times in my life. (Just not right now!)

I'm not a monster though - I know that. Feel like it some days though. Anyway, will say more later. Sorry.

[PaulaQ]

I guess I'm done here on the forum.
For everyone who thinks I'm nuts and full of crap - gratz, you win.
For anyone who was interested in how this all turns out - sorry. I guess just make up whatever ending you feel good about.

OK, OK, OK, I feel better now. Dang. Note to self: Don't go a week without cross dressing. Makes me nuts, obviously!

[flatlander_48]

Be assured that there are many here who recognize the seriousness of your situation and are really hoping for the best possible outcome. I personally have no idea what that would be, but somewhere there is a solution. And, given the same circumstances but owning to significant differences in backgrounds and experiences, others may reach an entirely different conclusion in how to work this out.

We always like to view things in terms of success or failure, but I think there is more to it than that. There is also how deal with the issues that are placed before us and how we consciously work to retain our dignity and humanity. This is not easy shit, by no means, but I think it is in part why humans were given intelligence and the capability to reason. But, it is easy to forget that we have those tools and that we can apply them as often as is needed.

Anyway, don't assume that because yesterday or last week was exceedingly difficult, tomorrow or next week will be also. It changes. We adjust and adapt and continue...

[PaulaQ]

My wife watched my breakdown on Friday morning, and it worried her. (I didn't even make it out of bed!) So sunday, she asked how I was doing, and I told her the truth for once - "not great." She told me "I'll stay upstairs and work on real estate - you go be YOURSELF downstairs, go get dressed." So she acknowledges that the female presentation of me is the real me. This is big progress.

We've talked about a lot of stuff in the past few days. She's decided not to collapse under the strain of this, and to help me. I'll still stay out of sight of her, and when we're together, I'll do my best to be a good husband. She's able to joke about this with me now - another really good sign.

I think we're going to go ahead and tell our kids, and the rest of the family. People will want to visit, and keeping the secret is a real strain on her. So I'll go ahead and be out to everyone who needs to know. Keeping secrets is hard for her - I'd rather she not be burdened - she's already doing a lot to help me.

Although this all sounds (and is) a LOT better, we'll still separate, and we may divorce soon. I can't transition here - it is really way too dangerous of a place. I can't ask her to leave the only place she's ever felt at home. So at some point in the next few months, we'll likely separate, I'll move to a metropolitan area that is still within driving distance, and visit on the weekends.

I've been able to be Paula for at least a few hours a day for the last four days. I feel HEAPS better.

[arbon]

Hi Paula,

It sounds like some real positive stuff between you and your spouse. I'm glad to hear that.

I hope it goes well telling you kids and family. Its hard to predict how they will take it.
All you can do is take the action you need to, and leave the outcome to them. At that point it will be beyond your control and it wont be your problem.

[PaulaQ]

My wife came home from her therapist visit today, and took a nap. Afterwards, she called me, and told me that "I am ready to see Paula today - I've talked with my therapist about it, and I've thought about it, and if you are ready to let me see you, I am ready to see you."

So I'm downstairs, working. I'm wearing a blue maxi dress and a blue shrug, and black pumps, and a nice gold necklace. I tell her "If you are sure honey, I would love to show you - give me five minutes to fix my face!"

So she came down, and I walked out to her, and she gave me a hug. She was surprised at how I looked - she thought I looked very attractive, and a LOT like my sister. (I see that too.) We talked for quite a while, and she told me:
"You can go ahead and move your clothes into the bedroom, and dress for the day there. You are in crisis, I told my therapist it was time for me to put on my big girl panties, and HELP you. You've helped me over the years so much, to be a stronger and more confident person. I owe you this - you have put me first so many times."

I'm overwhelmed - I just don't know what to say. We talked a lot, and made dinner together. (Trying to cook in pumps - not so much...)

There's some heavy stuff - we're still getting a divorce. But we are committed to helping each other through this. I'll stay here as long as I can. When I am transitioning more, I'll move out, and visit on weekends. (It just isn't safe here in our tiny town.)

It's big progress though. I can't believe this - this happened far more quickly than I'd ever imagined.

We'll have to see if we have a sex life after the reveal. We may not - that is a likely casualty here.

Still, she gave me a LOT of compliments - she thought my clothes were tasteful, my walking in pumps surprisingly good, and she was impressed by my eyemakeup and blush. Got some constructive criticism on lipstick and mascara. Good stuff, and great to be able to share with the person I love most in the world.

I warned her that I'll probably talk to much - so when she's tired of this subject, to PLEASE tell me to "shut the F up!"

What a surprising turn of events, huh?

[TeresaCD]

Surprising, Paula, and fantastic! So glad there has been a breakthrough.

[MysticLady]

Still, she gave me a LOT of compliments - she thought my clothes were tasteful, my walking in pumps surprisingly good, and she was impressed by my eyemakeup and blush. Got some constructive criticism on lipstick and mascara. Good stuff, and great to be able to share with the person I love most in the world.

What a surprising turn of events, huh?

Isn't Life wonderful. I'm so happy for you. Kudos to you Girl

[arbon]

I am very happy for you, Paula, but I'm not really surprised by how it is with your partner.

one thought I have - if your sex life is important and you want to keep having one ( the impression I get is that you do and that you are going to miss it) then please give it a lot of very, very careful thought before starting hrt.

[PaulaQ]

Thanks arbon, I never thought in a million years that is say this, but I don't care, for myself, about a sex life. I worry about it for my wife, so for that reason, I'll delay HRT as long as I can. If GD says differently, well, I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

My libido is really low now. I'll see what happens. My wife may not be able to view me as a sex partner now, even presenting as male. We'll see and I'll give this careful thought. Not wanting sex is pretty weird, I have to tell you...

[Angela Campbell]

Sometimes the journey is hard. It is good to have it all out in the open even if it has been difficult. I am happy that things are progressing in a better way for both of you.

[MysticLady]

My libido is really low now. I'll see what happens. My wife may not be able to view me as a sex partner now, even presenting as male. We'll see and I'll give this careful thought. Not wanting sex is pretty weird, I have to tell you...

As my Dad told me.......There's come a time when that season of your life is over. Who knows that better than the individual experiencing it. I'm not surprised by the commercialism of drugs to keep it working due to what I suspect that may be a "kick in the nuts" for a macho man.

[PaulaQ]

As my Dad told me.......There's come a time when that season of your life is over. Who knows that better than the individual experiencing it.

I think it's mostly my depression and the antidepressants duking it out. I'm going through a lot right now, so sex isn't a real big priority. Also, the particular antidepressant I'm on makes it nearly impossible to have an orgasm. My therapist isn't too concerned, and neither am I, really.

I've spent most of this week as Paula. Yesterday afternoon, until this afternoon, I was Paula. I went to my support group, went to a restaurant, checked into and then this morning out of my hotel en femme. I went to therapy, got my nails done at the mall, and then out to lunch afterward as Paula. It was a really nice day. I got treated like a woman by quite a number of people, including passers-by. At least some of that time, I guess I passed. Well, I'm not so worried either way, although a woman did come up to me and ask me a question at a restaurant. That felt authentic. I'm pretty sure a woman at the nail salon (another customer) clocked me, but I don't think the nail tech did. (There was enough of a language barrier that it was hard to tell.) Anyway, got "ma'amd" a lot, which was nice.

I expect to tell my kids next weekend. "Hey, sorry, I really won't be needing that tie you got me..." (j/k)

[TeresaCD]

Sounds like its been a good week - you are due one!

[mary something]

I'm glad you're having a good week Paula. You mentioned sex with your wife... it isn't necessary for you to have an orgasm for you to be intimate with her in that way. Nor is it necessary to even use the male equipment to be intimate with her and help her feel good. You've mentioned a couple times that you won't have a sex life later, and like Arbon mentioned you need to think about the effects of hrt if that is a concern. Women think differently about sex than men do.

You're still the same person no matter what clothes you are wearing or gender role you are living. It isn't uncommon for wives to feel uncomfortable having intimate relations when presenting differently but how much of her discomfort is because of your expectation that it won't work?

If she expresses a sentiment that you are too different then just emphasize that you are still the same person inside that you have always been, right? You're not doing this to become somebody or something that you're not right?

[arbon]

Thats awesome Paula!!!

I bet it helps a lot with how you have been feeling, to be able to let yourself out in the world some more.

[MysticLady]

Paula..

I'm very pleased to see that you're in a much more cheerful mood. Life is and will be just an experience..that's all. Its great that you've have found a way to turn things around. Kudos to you Girlie

[PaulaQ]

Well, tonight wasn't so much fun. I was meeting my wife at a restaurant in town, but she had to wait on me for a while, because I was fixing a friend's PC, and it took longer than I'd expected. So she had a couple of glasses of wine while she waited, and then one or two more with dinner.

She told me that she doesn't want to see Paula wearing my wedding ring. She doesn't feel Paula's earned it, and she doesn't like Paula much. She didn't marry Paula, she says.
So I agreed not to wear it, at least for a while, while presenting as Paula.

She also doesn't want to share our vacation next month with Paula - so if I live by that, no Paula for 6 days. I'm not sure I can do that. I'm not sure what I'll do about this one. Last time I went a week without any cross gender expression (just last weekend), I tried to commit suicide. I don't think I'll do that again, but I really don't want to be having constant depression and anxiety during our vacation time.

She told me that she feels that Paula has killed her husband, usurped him, that the only thing keeping the male side of me around is her. So she asked if I'd be Paula 24/7 if she wasn't in the picture for some reason, and I was honest and told her "yes."
She said this was just killing her. I told her that I knew that, and that being male was killing me, and I didn't know how to resolve this horrible conflict between what we each needed.

She feels like I'm two different people, and that Paula has usurped and destroyed the man she married.

I took her home - she was too drunk to drive herself. She went to bed, and I could hear her wailing when she got upstairs.

I'm going to a graduation celebration for my niece this weekend. I was going to go out as Paula with my friend who I'm out to, but he isn't ready for that, so I guess Paula stays locked inside the male version of me this weekend. Drag. Nobody wants Paula this weekend.

[PaulaQ]

It started out so innocently, our conversation this morning:

She mentioned that it didn't seem like I had a very satisfactory trip to Dallas for my niece's graduation party.

I allowed that I hadn't - I was feeling a little sorry for myself, didn't know most of the people there, and was still feeling a little hurt by her comments from Friday. (She got drunk, and really lambasted Paula - she doesn't like Paula, at all. She doesn't want me to wear our wedding ring while I'm Paula. This hurts.)

My friend in Dallas wasn't ready to meet Paula either, so I cancelled my dinner with him. I didn't feel like sitting there, feeling crappy and dysphoric, and discussing this shit.

So I came home instead of spending the night. I said I just wasn't feeling very accepted. She got furious with me for being so negative. I tried to diffuse it, saying "hey look - I mentioned I was feeling a little sorry for myself - I just wasn't feeling it, so I came home."

She was really angry though, and then realized she got angry whenever I expressed negative emotions. I pointed out that this made it difficult for me to really tell her how I feel, that I sometimes have negative emotions.

That set her off - she was like "after all the compromises I've made for you - THIS WAS YOUR CHOICE --- " ...

I started laughing. How ****ing absurd. So I did something I shouldn't have done, and told her the absolute truth:

"Hon, I want to die."

She got more furious, pounded the table and was like "JUST GO DO IT THEN AND PUT ME OUT OF MY MISERY!!!!"

"You know that my death would create enormous problems for you and the kids."

"YOU CAN'T SAY THAT - IT'S LIKE INVOKING NAZI'S IN AN ARGUMENT - YOU CAN'T ARGUE WITH IT, IT'S NOT RIGHT TO DO THAT TO ME"

I wanted to say: "My choice to be Paula seems like a better alternative than the only other one I can think of."

But she said: "I think I need to move to my mom's!"
"That's absurd, you love it here, your life is here, you'd hate it there."
Her: "I think we need to separate"
"OK, I can do that, but I'll need a little time - I have to set things up so I can move and work right away after the move, it'll take a couple of weeks or so. We both need for me to stay employed."

I went out and did some yardwork, and took a nap later.

She told me later, after I got us some dinner, that she didn't want to be without me. Although she's worried she's holding me back.

She doesn't understand why I want to die. Is it because she's holding me back?

So I took a moment to answer, and she took that to mean "yes, it's totally because you can't accept me as a woman."

I had to disabuse her of that. I want to die because I've been in physical and emotional pain for my entire life. My physical pain is bad, but I manage by ignoring it as much as possible. But the emotional pain is always there and right now, it is unbelievable - I hate myself so much, and the idea of 30 more years or so of the nightmare I'm going through now is just not something I can contemplate.

I want an end to my misery. I'm NOT thinking about doing anything about this now - I'm NOT.

I still have some hope that I can transition, and heal emotionally. If I can't - I simply refuse to live in this agony for the rest of my life. Or rather, if I have to live in agony for the rest of my life, my life will be short.

She can't understand this line of thinking at all. I'm simply tired and worn down. I don't want to live in misery any longer. I'm hoping I'll survive until I start feeling better. I'm trying HARD to do it.

Anyway, we may need separate soon. She's miserable. I'm making her miserable. She is desperately unhappy because of me.

I don't know whether or not that'll be better for either of us. Having some support from an unhappy and somewhat accepting (but not totally) spouse vs. being totally alone with my only support being family and friends who just aren't ready to provide much support yet. (Support doesn't mean "I love you and still accept you - now let me argue with you about why this can't really be right...") I lose my therapist and support group too when I go to Dallas. There are others, but I'm restarting everything. For her, she loses what time she has remaining with the male side of me.

By August we'll get divorced anyway. It's just a question of whether we try to stay together for a few more months. I can't transition out here anyway. It's too hostile, even if home becomes wonderful. (It won't. It may improve though.)

Honestly, I really don't see how we get around her dislike of Paula. She doesn't hate Paula, but she doesn't like her, and doesn't want to live with her. She'll live with my male self.

So for now, back in the closet with Paula, and I'll be Scott for her as much as possible, and hide Paula. I don't really see her getting over this before I need to go anyway. I felt last week was kind of a miracle, and almost too good to be true. Turns out - it was too good to be true. Two sightings was all it took.