It's really OK Marleena. I'm not upset. I'm just being blunt. I was upset enough over this stuff - I hadn't done any type of cross gender expression in a week - that I tried to kill myself. This is real. It isn't going away.
Hey look, it takes forever to transition. If I discover, "yup, not for me", I'll be tickled pink. I just feel I don't have much choice but to proceed as if I'm going to transition. There are a BUNCH of places where I can jump off the bus if it isn't right for me. I'm sure it is - but it'll be a couple of months, AT LEAST before I start HRT. I'm going to dress as much as I can. I'll keep in therapy, and I'll stay on anti-depressants. If I feel differently - I will not be ashamed to post "nope, changed my mind, I'm just a CD." In fact, I'll be delighted. I'll also cash in my powerball winning ticket at the same time...
The financial reasons for my divorce are real too. Sucks, but it is what it is. Even if I don't transition - I can already tell you that where I'm living is just too hostile a place for a transgendered person to live fulltime. I can try to pretend that's not true - but it is. EVERY person from this town who's transgendered has moved. (You hear stories.) There are good reasons they've moved - it is conservative, and fundamentalist here.
I'm just telling you - ashamed as I am of my behavior over the weekend, I can only conclude from it that - This. Shit. Is. Real.
