The girl inside

[Kate Simmons]

Just how long has the girl inside been with you? Or do you even have one? My girl life has been concurrent with my guy life since I have been self aware(probably around age 3). Even though more or less RAB (raised as a boy) I mentally felt all the stages a girl goes through in her life and wished to experience them myself. Oh I made mud pies, played with dolls and other girly games and was accepted by other little girls as a playmate but it started to change in puberty when they started to experience "woman things" and I didn't, then I felt excluded. I secretly desired my first date with a boy, first kiss and other feminine "rites of passage" but couldn't show it outwardly even though no one really pushed me into the "man's" role.

I finally realized I needed to get in touch with all of my feelings to feel complete, so in most of my adult life I utilized crossdressing as a vehicle to facilitate this. I figured if I look the part I can play the part the best I can without transitioning. By finally accepting all of my feelings and taking ownership of them I can now say I've evolved into a self assured, self directed person with a feminine touch and it's totally my choice how I express myself at any given time. As far as I'm concerned, it doesn't get much better than this.

I have always been both a guy and a girl but now they are harnessed under one authority. How long has the "girl" been with you?

[Sabrina133]

While I started dressing in middle school, I dont think i fully realized at the time that there was a girl side of me. That feeling didnt come until i was 22 and started serisously experimenting and perfecting my fem side.

[Jocelyn Quivers]

The girl side has been there from the beginning with the male side, always being the little sister pest to the male side that will never go away. Both male and female sides trying to co-exit under one authority forever fighting, b*tching, arguing with each other driving the central authority crazy in process.

[NicoleScott]

My girl is outside, and it washes off.

[VictoriaPaul]

I don't know if I felt that I had one side or the other. I think what I felt was that everyone should play and socialize together equally.

My first best friend was my neighbor, which was a girl. I played with her almost every day between the ages of 3 and 5. I didn't see anything unusual about that. My first toys as a toddler were hotwheels, plush squirrel, and pseudo-legos, and a cabbage patch doll. I actually really wanted that doll when I saw it in a toy store window.

I was actually interested in both boy and girl games in kindergarten.

In elementary school I played soccer with the boys and volleyball or dodgeball with the girls. I actually remember in 5th grade when the girls in my class became interested in playing soccer with the boys, and this made me really happy.

I don't know if I'm bi-gender, two spirit, or agender.

[Beverley Sims]

Since forever and I have always lived in a parallel universe too.
One day guy one day girl.
"Guys and dolls" means a lot to me.

[Kate Simmons]

I know the feeling Bev. I always wanted to be both Tarzan and Jane, Superman and Lois, Adam Strange and Alanna, John Carter and Dejah Thoris but you get the idea.

[xdressed]

I only really became fully aware of 'her' about a year ago, but I think I've felt this way since I was at least 14 (7 years ago)

[jim1991]

I really began to realize my femmine side when i was like 12. Now ten years later i am finally embracing that and loving it. Now i am trying to perfect myself and tear down the traditionally gender barriers.

[Frédérique]

Just how long has the girl inside been with you? Or do you even have one? I have always been both a guy and a girl but now they are harnessed under one authority.

Just today I posted my 55th item in regards to this idea of having a “girl inside,” expressing my complete disbelief in such an idea. This is what I wrote:

Yes, I enjoy being male, and HE is also who I am on the inside, if you wish to see it that way. Of course, the male that I am has a lot of female in it, and they both reside at the core of my being in a loving embrace, until the day I shall cease to exist…

Having a girl inside you is a lovely idea, I suppose, but I feel that it’s just really a part of YOU that you’ve either ignored or never thought about. From an early age I came to realize that the genders, a boy and a girl, or a girl and a boy, live together in what some call the soul. This is an ancient fact that people have completely forgotten, only to make up imaginary beings living inside, as if the human psyche is a kind of medium-security prison. If you can somehow NOT see yourself as a vessel of restraint, you may free your “self” and end the forced confinement…

There’s nothing “inside” me that isn’t already apparent to all. Case closed…

[CherylFlint]

The moment of conception.
It’s just me, ½ + ½ = 1 whole person.
Y’s and X’s in their very own, special alignment which makes up who, and what, I am.
Some accept it, some don’t.
Since I don’t have any choice in the matter, I accept it and just go along with it.
But I’ve learned one thing: you got to “pass” to make it work.
Just sitting at home looking into the mirror doesn’t cut it, at least that’s the way I feel about it.

[stacycoral]

The girl been with me since I was a seven grader in junior high, way back, I love being a girl if only just a few minutes a day, I agree with you, I would have love to been a young girl, but live didn't let me. hugs girl

[stephNE]

The girl made herself known before the age of five. Sometimes I was certainly a boy, but many time she took over and was attracted to girly things (mom's bras and panties). By age 14 I was fully dressing. Sometimes Steph takes a back seat, but I know she is always there.

[Promethea]

For me, inside is not the exact location.

I was raised with lots of male and female friends and cousins around, without very clear gender distinctions, so it wasn´t until the age where genders tend to separate more than I knew I wasn´t like the other boys. I still didn´t pay a lot of attention to that until much later, when I decided to start listening to myself and my needs more. I was 25 or 26 then.

[kimdl93]

Like you, I've been aware that I was different from my earliest consciousness. I didn't exactly know how, but whatever I was doing..I don't specifically recall, was noticed and labeled by my older brothers. I quickly learned to hide those attributes as best I could

[Barbara Maria]

While I didn't let her out until about a year ago,I think she's always been there.Even as a kid,with the exception of cars,I never had any interest in boy things.While the others were going out for sports,I went out for chorus and drama club.The other boys razzed me so bad that after a while I just didn't go out for anything.Over the years I've had several women tell me that they sensed a delicate,feminine side in me.I guess it was no use trying to fool them.I don't know exactly,but in retrospect,I think she's been there since day one.

[Cynthia Anne]

I have to say ''she'' has been with me since I was four! Though the years she has came out to trot herself many times! The last few years ''she'' has taken over and stays out! I think she has locked ''him'' in and threw away the key!!!

[DebbieL]

I've been "one of the girls" since I was about 2 years old. I was intersexed and didn't have testes that produced testosterone (the didn't come down until I was 11), so when the boys played rough I didn't fight back, which made me a target. When I played with girls, I felt safe, I belonged, I was happy. Even when I was forbidden to play with the girls at school because of an overprotective mother, I was still a girl on the inside.

My parents encouraged me to follow my feminine interests. I learned to cook when I was six, crochet and sew when I was 5 (made my own barbie clothes), and learned how to knit at 7. I was doing laundry and sorting and folding it, even ironing, before I was 8. I would even ASK to do those chores. I did have frogs, lizards, and snakes as pets, but that was mostly because I had asthma and was allergic to cats and many dogs. I tried cub scouts and got a bunch of merit badges, but hated it when I had to play on the den softball team. Even a new fielder's mitt didn't give me enthusiasm for the game.

In high school, I tailored my clothes so well to my 6 foot 140 lb body that most people were sure I was gay. They had been assuming since I was 12, and now they were sure (I did arrange dates for all the gay guys). I was gay, I was a Lesbian, but I didn't know how to meet lesbians. I did have several girl friends who loved that I just wanted to "fool around" rather than "getting serious". They even introduced me to other girls who would "share" me.

I went to college at an all girl school that needed a few boys for the theater and choir, and became one of the girls my freshman year (the even gave me a magazine of transvestites to show they accepted me). Sophomore year, I had a lesbian relationship with a girl who came to my room to "get in the mood" before going to some other guys room to get filled by someone with a big c**k. She'd tell me about it in the morning and we'd just enjoy sharing the experience, knowing that after dinner, we'd be together and do it all over again.

When my wife seemed to be accepting, I was pretty happy, and I loved taking care of the kids. On friday night I'd take the baby and say "My baby", and Leslie knew that I would take care of everything and she could do what she wanted, including sleep as long as she wanted, and we'd go shopping together. On Monday morning, she'd say "my baby" and I would have to let her be the mommy.

After our divorce, I regulary went out as Debbie and was soon introduced to a girl who was living with a guy who was in transition but had decided to abstain sexually. She was not only my lesbian lover, but she would bring other girls home to share. There were a few things she didn't like to do to girls that I loved to do, so we all had a great time.

The hardest struggle was when I tried to "Burn the Wardrobe" for almost 18 months. I really struggled. I had back pains, I started eating like a man, and gained over 100 lbs. Soon I was too fat to look good in girl mode, and gained another 60 lbs, eventually shooting from 160 to over 330 lbs on 9/11/2001. Diet, blood pressure, and heart troubles followed. When I was working at home, I started dressing up every day and lost over 80 lbs.

These days, when people who have seen Rex see Debbie for the first time, or vice versa, they ask "what should I call you?" and I now say "I'm always Debbie on the inside". The first time I walked into a meeting coming directly from work and was greeted by women shouting "Hi Debbie!" and giving me a hug, I felt wonderful, because I didn't have to hide there.

[Cheryl T]

I've been aware since the moment I first tried on my mom's panties and knew there was something missing. I was about 7 then but looking back I can see things that told that tale earlier, but I was too young to know what it meant.

[noeleena]

Hi.

A girl inside, no .a female with masculine features, manily facial who has grown into a woman. the difference is a intersexed woman. not a tack on its from conception what i would be,

To use ....the girl inside ....has allways been there & was shown just most never picked up on that. i never hid what i was though i did not express myself as i should have because of details that took place from born till age 10. so strange as it maybe i never saw a male or female with in myself or my body,

oh well.... part of being different, i surpose, one thing that does stand out though others may not have understood it was in my relastionships with people for girls i saw them as my sisters & tryed to treat them as such. i did in two case's ,& that worked well , as for boys quite different , yes i played with them yet was not really intune with them as i grow i did not relate with them like this is not where i belong i was an outsider, even later in life it was so hard till it became unbearable .

so the girl inside , is where she should be , an all out there with in the girls or womens world,

Sorry guys , it may sound like a put down its not meant that way. i struggled being around men apart from very few who were lovely neat guys to me , most others were i dont know just well your not like i am you dont think as i do. your games are out of my reach like . we are just .......so different. & i dont understand you. or can play your game,

I dont think the book of life says we all have to be the same so , well... life seems to say we are all different in our own ways.

...noeleena...

[Jennifer Kelly]

I became aware of a feminine side probably around puberty. I know it existed earlier because I remember having a baby doll when I was very little that I'm guessing I bugged my parents for or they wouldn't have gotten it for me. And I know it was mine because I was an only child at that point, my sister didn't come along until I was almost 8. I grew up around mostly women because my parents got divorced when I was four and my mom had no brothers, only sisters. So there was that influence. I would also play both "boy" and "girl" games at school. When I was 10 we moved in with my grandparents and my grandpa discouraged me from doing anything that wasn't stereotypically "manly". So I suppressed that side of myself because Grandpa was kind of a dick when you disagreed with him, especially if you were a kid. We moved out of my grandparents' place when I was 12 and it was about this time that I started noticing girls, and that said girls were developing breasts and they were very nice. I kind of wished I could have my own (I still wish that sometimes actually, lol).

The summer after that is when I started dressing. I was 14 and home from school while my mom was at work, so I finally indulged my curiosity and raided her closet and makeup drawer while she was gone. I was already a men's size 10 in shoes at this point and my mom was a women's 7.5 so I missed out on that part. That year I dressed as a girl for Halloween but my costume was horrible because I had no wig or shoes. I continued to dress through high school but didn't have a name for my feminine side back then. I didn't really think of her as a separate person (and still don't, we're two parts of the same person). When I was 20 I moved halfway across the country and thought I had outgrown dressing so I purged (I only had a couple of outfits and nothing super expensive so it wasn't a huge deal). Now was the time to be a responsible adult. And responsible adult males certainly did not dress up like girls unless it was Halloween or they were drag queens. There was also a bit of the "does wanting to dress like a girl make me gay?" thing going on which I now realize was silly as I'm not attracted to other guys and never have been. I suppressed my feminine side for many years, but she was never completely gone.

For some reason last year she reappeared in a big way. I tried to resist, but eventually I found myself looking at clothes and CD blogs and even this site (I lurked for months before registering). Finally I told myself that I was a grown ass man and if I wanted to dress like a girl sometimes that was OK. I ordered some clothes and pair of heels from Amazon and Jennifer was reborn nearly 20 years after she went into hiding. I'm lucky that I don't have a wife or gf to hide from, but I do have a roommate. Luckily we don't hang out in each other's rooms so my bottom dresser drawer and the dark reaches of my closet are sufficient for hiding my wardrobe. I want to buy more stuff but just got laid off from my job. So I wait for a couple of things I ordered off eBay to come in because that's the last new stuff I'll have for a while.

I'm starting to come to grips with letting my feminine side just be part of me but I doubt I'll ever tell my family about Jennifer. My dad's family is very religious and my mom's family is very tied to the heteronormative life script. I am straight and I don't want to actually be a girl, but even dressing like one is way out what they would accept. I have one cousin who might understand, but the key word here is "might". So now that I've embraced this side of me, I guess I've also made dating harder. I already don't ever want kids or to be with someone who has them. That makes things difficult enough. And now I have to find someone who's open-minded enough to be OK with me dressing on top of it (that's not something I would want to hide from my partner and I'd probably screw up and leave a bra or pair of panties out eventually and then she'd think I was cheating).

I'm trying to lose weight now so I can be Jennifer for Halloween for the first time since 1988. I'm still too much of a wuss to go out dressed any other day of the year.

It's a hell of a journey and I'm still nowhere close to the destination.

[bobbimo]

Good question Kate,
After I discovered Bobbi a few years ago, I can see that she was always there, but since I was a boy I wasnt supposed to do that, or play with that, etc.
I wonder now if we are entering the new age of enlightenment?
Bobbi

[Robbin_Sinclair]

I don't know if I felt that I had one side or the other. I think what I felt was that everyone should play and socialize together equally.

My first best friend was my neighbor, which was a girl. I played with her almost every day between the ages of 3 and 5. I didn't see anything unusual about that. My first toys as a toddler were hotwheels, plush squirrel, and pseudo-legos, and a cabbage patch doll. I actually really wanted that doll when I saw it in a toy store window.

I was actually interested in both boy and girl games in kindergarten.

In elementary school I played soccer with the boys and volleyball or dodgeball with the girls. I actually remember in 5th grade when the girls in my class became interested in playing soccer with the boys, and this made me really happy.

I don't know if I'm bi-gender, two spirit, or agender.

Excluding the cabbage patch doll (or any dolls), this is pretty much my story. My coming out hasn't been until a half century later, when I found the time to explore these topics.

Q. Am I a girl inside? Yes, I am sure of it. I am Robbin. Q. Who is my male side? He may not be a he. Sometimes, I think of my male side as one strong woman (Rachel Sinclair) and Robbin as being the less sure sister, lover, etc.

Q. Have I ever fit in as a total male working hard to dismiss any hint of something else? I tried. Now looking at these old photos of me as a Cub Scout, with my mother, in a classroom, I wonder. Q. Has it worked? No.

That's why I'm here. I'm happy dressed. The longer the better. Make up, high heels, wigs are just accessories. Clothing is what it is about. Robbin like red and black. Her whole wardrobe is centered around soft red and hard black. Leather anyone?

[SarahVA]

My first memories of wanting to be a girl was about 6-7 when I tried on some of mom's clothes and thought I looked so pretty....had no clue about "gender" or "orientations" then...I liked playing the girl games (house, etc.) and wanted some dolls (so I got GI Joes, LOL). As a young teen had a close female friend who "dressed me up" and then I truly wanted to be a girl. But then as high school came I figured I was just "weird" and suppressed it all..had to be a boy afterall! College, marriage, kids...all guy, except there was always Sarah lurking inside, I know that now. She would emerge now and then only to be buried deep. Then the Internet gave a name to all this and the fact I maybe wasn't a weird "sissy"....now I know the feelings are much more than dressing up or pretending to be a girl...my identity is more female than male, yes there is a make part and I live a "male life" but I am definitely happier when thinking myself a woman.

[Sister Rachel]

From way back, early childhood, in fact before I had any real concept of what were 'boys' things and what were 'girls' things.For instance, I remember telling my dad that I wanted to have a tobacco tin so that I could line it with some quilted material and keep precious things in it. He didn't freak out about it but changed the subject, and I didn't get an empty tin, let alone any pretty fabric to line it with! At infant school (in what American sisters) would call " First Grade", I became quite upset because, as a boy, I was not allowed to play in the Wendy House, and I was most unhappy to learn the nursery rhyme and discover that I was, apparently, "Slugs and snails and puppy-dogs' tails", when it was obviously MUCH preferable to be "Sugar and spice and all things nice". I played the boy's games quite enthusiastically, they were mainly about re-living the Second World War, tearing around the playground pretending to be Spitfire planes, or making da-da-da-da machine gun noises, but I used to watch the girls doing their wonderful, agile, rhythmic skipping-rope games with awe! I worked out a way turn my pyjama jacket into a skirt that I could wear secretly at night when I was seven or eight.