Passing - A New Perspective

[Paula DAngelo]

I know I haven't been here that long but I've read a lot of threads about "wanting to pass" and it got me thinking. I've seen posts where someone would say I'm sure that I pass a certain percent, or that I could never pass no matter what I do. The people that claim to pass a certain percent normally are reminded that we don't really know if we pass or not, and the ones that say they can't pass are often told don't worry about it every one will be read at some point so just do what you want to.

Personally what I'm looking for is just to be accepted as myself, another person in this world. Whether someone sees me as female, a male in a dress, or whatever it doesn't really matter to me since my goal is to be me, a person that some people will like/accept and that some will dislike/not accept. This really isn't any different than what everyone goes thru every day we just are a little different than what most people are use to.

Since my goal is be me and to be true to myself I can say that I pass, because of what I'm trying to do. I'm not worrying about what others think of me, I'm worried about living my life the way I want to, and isn't that what we all really want.

All this leads me to ask, what is it that we want when we go out in public? Do we want to be seen as females, a male in a dress, or just as another person. Maybe we all need to look inside ourselves to see what it is we're really trying to accomplish. If what you really want is to just be true to yourself and accepted as a person then I think any of us can pass.

I'm not saying that my thoughts are right, or even right for anyone other than myself. This is just another way to look at passing and the way that I see it.

So what are your thoughts, am I crazy, or is it possible that we need to reexamine some of our thoughts on passing?

[melissakozak]

Paula,

Passing is extremely important for me, and I usually do until I open my mouth....

[Kathi Lake]

Paula,

All I want to do when I go out is to be accepted - by as many people as possible - as me. Although some tell me that I pass as a woman, well, . . . I do have a mirror.

Yes. When I go out dressed as a woman, I do go out fully dressed, and trying to look as much like a woman as possible. Is it to pass? Not necessarily. I believe I do it more for security. You see, I believe that someone dressed partially as a woman would be so instantly recognizable that they would have a huge target on their back. Not being the bulkiest of individuals, and not knowing any of the martial arts, I'm not exactly equipped for that kind of attention.

So, when I dress, I guess I'm trying to pass, but to pass under the radar, so to speak.



Kathi

[linda allen]

My goal is to pass. Realistically, I believe I would usually pass at a distance of twenty feet or so unless someone is staring at me. I wouldn't pass sitting in a restaurant or waiting in line at a theater.

Part of this is because I don't try hard enough (for various reasons). I don't shave my arms and legs, I don't wear colored nail polish, my padded panties aren't padded enough, and at 5' 8", I'm at the tall end of the range for GGs. And of course, I have large hands and feet for a woman.

Put me out in the winter time when I can cover up and I'll do a lot better than in hot weather.

You say your goal is "just to be accepted as myself". That's fine and you will be accepted as yourself by most people here, but in the cold cruel world, you will have a hard time finding acceptance as a crossdresser. It's a shame, but it's reality and you need to understand that or you will be hurt.

Best of luck!

[Erica2Sweet]

...in the cold cruel world, you will have a hard time finding acceptance as a crossdresser. It's a shame, but it's reality and you need to understand that or you will be hurt...

From an emotional standpoint, being hurt by others is a choice that we make for ourselves. Strangers and others you do not hold dear to your heart cannot hurt your feelings if you make the choice not to be receptive of that sort of negativity.

[Leona]

Paula,

All I want to do when I go out is to be accepted - by as many people as possible - as me. Although some tell me that I pass as a woman, well, . . . I do have a mirror.

I don't see a disagreement here. I also want to be accepted as me, and since some days, I *am* a woman, on those days I want to be accepted as a woman, which is precisely what "passing" is.

[Lynn Marie]

Of those of you who's ambition is to "pass", how many of you are 6'3" or more? What's a tall girl to do in your world of "passing"? Can I pass? Probably not, but I do my best to present myself as a classy old broad with confidence and grace. Oh would I love to be 5'10" and skinny.

[AmyGaleRT]

Oh, I know I have my deficiencies in my appearance. I'm built to slightly too large a scale (in both dimensions!) And I don't have enough padding down below...and Sabrina is dead-set against me actually wearing hip/butt padding. I do everything I can to tip the scales the other way, but I'm probably borderline at best.

But, when I go out, as I've said elsewhere, I don't worry about whether I "pass" or not. I just maintain confidence in myself, and confidence in my presentation. And it seems to work...last weekend, when I went to Lane Bryant to shop (and redeem about $50 in "Real Woman Dollars"), I was greeted and complimented on my appearance, called "sweetie," and accepted as "Amy" when I went to use the dressing room. (I saw a little magic-marker board they had to keep track of who had what dressing room. The square for the one I was using had "Amy" written in it, nothing else. It was slightly thrilling.) Before that, on a previous occasion, I was walking into a supermarket a bit late, and a woman by the registers just looked up and said, "Ma'am, we're closed."

That's the best advice I can give...maintain your confidence, own it, hold your head up high. Believe in yourself first, and it helps others believe in you.

- Amy

[Polly R]

Evening Gurls

My perspective is like most - to just look like a respectable lady and not frighten anyone. Don't go out too often and then only to meetings of the local CDers group. Last year I had a fright when, just as I was going into the hotel to the meeting, a van drew up beside me and asked for directions to somewhere. I had no option but to reply - trapped! The 20-something year old girl didn't seem too phased when I replied with an obviously male voice so I obviously passed the decency test!

x Polly

[Leona]

Of those of you who's ambition is to "pass", how many of you are 6'3" or more? What's a tall girl to do in your world of "passing"? Can I pass? Probably not, but I do my best to present myself as a classy old broad with confidence and grace. Oh would I love to be 5'10" and skinny.

I have met GGs that tall or taller. Hell, the other day at the grocery store I saw one as tall as me (6'1"). So it's not outside the realm of female heights. I suspect, but don't know for a fact, that my large belly will help more than hurt, because it helps round out my proportions. And as to small hips and butt, well, I've seen soooo many GGs with those same traits.

As I said, I haven't even tried to pass yet, but the more I read other people's stories and look around me out in public, the more I think it has to be easier than we think it is. Is it possible that our biggest obstacle is ourselves?

[kimdl93]

Of those of you who's ambition is to "pass", how many of you are 6'3" or more? What's a tall girl to do in your world of "passing"? Can I pass? Probably not, but I do my best to present myself as a classy old broad with confidence and grace. Oh would I love to be 5'10" and skinny.

This pretty much covers it for me as well. I'm ultimately a realist. I don't want to be read but I'm far from average dimensions. But I don't go out to fool or please anyone else. I go out to be myself and enjoy the company of others.

[Chari]

Paula, Good post with ideas from another angle. We are all individuals and that alone makes us unique and different. IMO, whether we "pass" or not is only part of how we feel when we dress. Each of us should always be comfortable and confident in whatever we choose to wear, in whatever mode we present, regardless of what society deems "OK". We all need an encouraging word or a comment to know we are accepted. Thanx for sharing your views.

[Sally24]

When I go out I wish to be treated as a female regardless of whether those I meet think of me as a woman, a transsexual, or a CD. Most see the effort to be feminine and treat me as such.

[I Am Paula]

If I defined passing as being treated as any other gg in a similar situation, then I pass almost all the time. Being mistaken for a gg only happens occasionally, usually by guys on drugs, or very old people.

[Chickhe]

Mostly its just respect and to feel safe. I guess, if you asked, would I do it if it was 110% okay with everyone?...sure. But, there is passing and doing that is a challenge. I know that I passed for sure only a couple times and you know when it happens....its when you do something 'male' and the people around you correct you as they would a female. Like when you walk towards the men's room and other woman laugh and tell you that you almost went in the 'men's' by mistake! I actually can only count a few negative reactions when I didn't pass and was not accepted and all the other times... either accepted or passed, hard to know what's what.

[MysticLady]

All this leads me to ask, what is it that we want when we go out in public?

All I want is your Respect and Honor. Because that is what I'm giving you...

[TeresaCD]

All I want is your Respect and Honor. Because that is what I'm giving you...

I like how you put that, Victoria.

Striving to be respectful, as feminine as I can be, and as comfortable, confident in myself as I can.

[Claire Cook]

Hi Paula,

I think you've said just what I feel about this. When I go out, I present fully as female. If I'm treated that way, that's great. Sure I get read -- but if someone knows and still treats me as me, that's great too. Maybe even better! When I stopped worrying about "passing" and just accepted myself as me, I think others started to as well. And it all became more natural, and more fun.

[Dianne S]

I want to "pass" because I want to look female. My makeup and hair-styling skills are not there yet, unfortunately, but I hope to get there.

For me, it's about looking as pretty and as female as possible. If/when I do get read, I would like the reader to think "not bad for a guy" rather than "ugh, he looks ridiculous!"

[Leslie Langford]

I like to think that I "pass" under most conditions as I always try to dress in an elegant and age-appropriate manner and take great care with my make up and choice of wigs. I also try to dress somewhat better than most of the GG's around me when I am out in public - but not so much as to stick out like a sore thumb - in order not to give them an excuse to diss me, even if it is unsaid or via "the look".

Now, when I say "pass", I don't know if I pass as a GG or as a pre- or post-op transsexual in most peoples' eyes, and frankly, I don't care. The point is - I have always been treated as a woman and with both dignity and respect, never had an issue with using the women's restrooms or fitting rooms, and have even received the occasional compliment on my outfits from GG's. And yes, I've even been hit on by men on a couple of occasions (not that I seek that - LOL!), although - truth be known - alcohol might have been involved on their part in some of these instances .

In short, I love going out in public as "Leslie", and all these positive reinforcements just encourage me to do more and more of it...

[Claire Cook]

Now, when I say "pass", I don't know if I pass as a GG or as a pre- or post-op transsexual in most peoples' eyes, and frankly, I don't care. The point is - I have always been treated as a woman and with both dignity and respect, never had an issue with using the women's restrooms or fitting rooms, and have even received the occasional compliment on my outfits from GG's.

..... and all these positive reinforcements just encourage me to do more and more of it...

..

Leslie, I think this is what I was trying to say. Yes, yes and yes!

[Paula DAngelo]

Quote Originally Posted by Leslie Langford View Post
Now, when I say "pass", I don't know if I pass as a GG or as a pre- or post-op transsexual in most peoples' eyes, and frankly, I don't care. The point is - I have always been treated as a woman and with both dignity and respect, never had an issue with using the women's restrooms or fitting rooms, and have even received the occasional compliment on my outfits from GG's.

..... and all these positive reinforcements just encourage me to do more and more of it...
..

..

Leslie, I think this is what I was trying to say. Yes, yes and yes!

This is the same as I'm thinking, you're being accepted as you and isn't that what we all really want?

[TheMissus]

I'm curious about this as we women don't usually seek validation that we look feminine etc - we just are. It's innate. So if you're 'feeling' feminine why does it matter what people see?

[DianeDeBris]

For me, it's about looking as pretty and as female as possible. If/when I do get read, I would like the reader to think "not bad for a guy" rather than "ugh, he looks ridiculous!"

Hi Dawn - I think this is a *great* way to put this! Thanks for the insight, which I'm going to incorporate into my thinking.

[Wildaboutheels]

1] NO one can ever know for sure if they "passed" despite numerous claims here to the contrary.

2] "Passing" is highly desired here by many but yet no one ever wants to really address exactly what "passing" to them means.

I think # 2 is because most [that want to pass] want to be SEEN as/treated as "females" so they go to major efforts to LOOK female. Probably not all that hard [to pass] sitting down with one's nose buried in a book. An entirely different matter if you throw in walking and talking into the equation.

I also think that for a very small minority, "passing" to them means no one gives them any dirty looks/and/or laughs at them and makes derogatory statements. They don't NEED to interact with people they just want to be left alone and not made to feel bad because of how they are "attired".

To me worrying about "passing" or not is pretty silly since few people with even a modicum of class are going to call a CDer out. Just because the vast majority of folks are not going to bat an eye [teenagers don't count] doesn't mean they thought you were a female and didn't see a man in a dress from 100 feet away.