An open letter to "A"...Thanks for outing me :(

[Sara Jessica]

Nice to wake up to so many constructive comments...

Just curious, what was "A" presenting as at the time of the encounter?

He was presenting as a guy. And there was no self-disclosure on his part so I couldn't say whether he is "T" or not.

I do go shopping quite a lot in drab, I'm confident enough that walking into a shop doesn't phase me. Confident enough to walk up to a mirror and hold up clothing against my body to see how it looks. Confident enough to try on shoes, etc etc. And I've never encountered any problems. I've often been approached by sales staff asking if I need any help, or if I would like to try anything on. I do believe that because I am confident, then other people can see/sense this, and because I act as though it's the most normal thing in the world, they tend to react accordingly. That it's simply not a big deal. I believe that being confident, acting naturally, makes me more approachable to sales staff/shop owners. And maybe this is the reason why "A" felt comfortable enough to approach you, because you gave off a vibe of someone who was confident - you give off a vibe of someone who was APPROACHABLE. And that is a good thing. No, that is a great thing. In my opinion.

I think you're on to something and in all fairness, maybe I'm being a bit harsh to "A". It's almost as if my confidence invited such interaction. Does that make it right? Not really. But I can empathize where "A" was likely coming from.

Which means that if we can give off positive vibes, have an air of confidence and belonging, and other people can pick up on this, then wouldn't it be also true that we give off bad vibes. If you were in a bad mood for example, then others may pick up on such a vibe and thus not regard you as being approachable, and as a result, not approach you. Or for example a newbie who felt incredibly self-conscious/nervous, others may pick up on this and leave such a person alone. Which brings me to my point - re your comment "it's rarely a good idea to approach a trans when she's minding her own business". That could be said of anyone. And most of the time people do "mind their own business" and not approach others. But my own opinion, as a trans person, I do not mind at all any person, be it a stranger, a shop assistant, whoever, approaching me. Whether I'm in drab or not. As long as their intentions are good, then, well, their intentions are good and that's a good thing. I welcome that personally. Unless I'm in a bad mood of course!!! But then they're not as likely to approach... ah, you get the idea )))

It's kind of a double standard. I'm put off by the "T" interacting with me but if a natal female comes up to me and starts to make small talk while I'm shopping, I feel totally different. Like I'm accepted in her tribe regardless if she sees me as "T" or not ("or not" being highly unlikely).

“A” meant well. “A” was just a bit stupid like most of us at sometime in our lives.

I agree Suzy, no question "A" meant well. Stupid though might be a bit harsh. Uneducated on the niceties of tripping over us in public might be better.

I with Jenni on this, the way Sara was approached was not rude, hateful or ment to make fun or embarass. I see it as A could pickup on a CD where most may not, his suggestions for a support group were positive and ment to be helpful. Hasn't it occured to our members that if he knew so much about the support group for CDs and he was shopping in Victoria Secret then he or someone in his life is a CD. I would have welcomed the encounter, glad he came over and tried to continue the dialog at the right time and possibily turn it into a friendship. Don't we hear a lot on here about never meeting another CD. I also would have asked him if he had found anything in the store he liked, his answer could possibily reveal a lot about his self.

If "A" is trans, or perhaps is just a fan (who knows?), he likely would read us more readily than your average Muggle by way of his own experience.

As far as turning the interaction into more of a conversation, there are a couple reasons why this didn't figure into the situation...

• The first time "A" approached me I thought to myself "OK, this is a first, being hit on at VS".
• After the second interaction, he split so fast that I couldn't have got a word in edgewise even if I wanted to. I truly think he was embarrassed.

Shortly after coming to this site I posted one of those threads. The first response I got was quite insulting. Only an ignorant redneck would think this is ok or some such noise bathe rest of the replays were much kinder but all pointed out their reasons for not wanting to be approached.

The more I learn about myself and you ladies the more I understand. Obviously A didn't mean harm. I suspect she was operating from a desire to help as well as the desire for social interaction. The story implies, to me at least, she was uncomfortable and had to work up her courage to come talk with you. I'm glad her faux pas didn't cause you great discomfort. I'm also glad you were able to remain civil with her.

In my entire life I have only noticed maybe half a dozen people put in public. I know I never did malicious harm, I sure hope I never caused unintentional harm or made anybody uncomfortable. It's a shame the world is as it is.

Hug
Rita

There's no rulebook with this whole thing Rita, only what we can share based on our own personal experiences and preferences.

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Like I mentioned above, sleeping on it has led me to lighten up a bit more over the whole thing. Still, it was one of those real-world examples that I'm glad to have been able to share.

"A", if in the odd chance you are reading this, please feel free to send me a PM. If I came across as dismissive, I apologize (but you really didn't give me a chance to say "anything but the facts, ma'am").