Dating.

[Kimberlyfaye]

My first thread in a long while. I have been hit and miss for a long time now, mostly miss more than hit. I just can't seem to meet any women who are accepting of this side of me. More to the point, I just can't seem to meet any women who are interested in me even without any knowledge of the CDing. I have tried dating sites, I have asked friends, but no luck.

Everyone keeps telling me that I'll meet someone one day. "It'll happen, give it time" they say. I don't want to give it more time though. I've been waiting long enough. I just want somebody, is that too much for me to ask?

Should I post an ad here in the 'meeting place' section? Should I just give up looking? Women have never been interested in me and it really gets me down

Anyway, sorry for the vent. I just feel lonely...

[Katie1989]

Aww I'm so sorry to hear that! You are so pretty it makes me sad you haven't found someone to share yourself with.
I hate to sound cliched but someone is out there for you. Maybe you just need to broaden your search? Try looking in different cities/states, or try looking for a different type of woman than you usually go for. Please keep your beautiful head up and smile cause you are a beautiful girl and things will work out!

[Leah Lynn]

Girl, I so totally understand. I've done about everything but the caveman bit. Hit one over the head with a club and drag her home.

So, I've quit looking. Yes, everyone says she'll come along. Hasn't happened yet, so I'll just do my own thing all by myself.

It's not bad talking to myself. At least this way I know I'll have an intelligent conversation!

Hugs,
Leah

[the_long_now]

Interesting. I have two CD friends who both have accepting GF's. One had a GF who was VERY into it, then he started a new relationship with a girl who also enjoyed it. A second friend has a GF who is "accepting", he dresses but she has draw the line at no relationships outside theirs. This is reasonable but he feels when "en femme" things change. We can guess how this may end

[regina young]

Kimberly I wish I knew something to say to fix it, I truly do. But we have all known, and will know, what it feels like to be alone. It is part of the human condition unfortunately. Sometimes, in matters like these, we can find ourselves trying too hard. What are you looking for in a mate, if we know for sure what it is we are looking for we might have to redirect our search, for its always possible we are looking in the wrong places. I do know this, one day you will find someone and the time you spent lonely will seem ancient history. So in those times we just make sure we live with a purpose, and allow fate its hand also.
Good Luck to you on your Journey,
Regina

[kimdl93]

How long is long enough, Kimberly. I'm sorry to say it but the world isn't operating for your benefit nor on your schedule. You might ask yourself if there is anything...and I mean anything besides CDing...that might put off women. Think about it.

[the_long_now]

Kimberly, fret not, I know a number of girls that met women who were interested in their interests, some very much into it. If that helps?

[Erica Marie]

Kimberly I feel your pain. I am in the same state of mind as you are. For now I am just letting things fall as they may. If someone comes along, great. If not then I guess I was put on the earth to be alone.

[AllieSF]

You are definitely not the Lone Ranger, nor Lone Rangerette here. I am in a similar situation as you are. But in one way or another I have always fought this demon when I was not with some one. I am a very social person and need that regular daily contact with someone very special to me. I have slowly learned over the years that when I really look, nothing ever seems to work. Then when I am in a relationship it all changes, and let's say that I see more opportunities. I jokingly attribute to the lack of seeing relationship opportunities to my maybe not so literal drooling when I find someone interesting. I.e. I am better off keeping myself busy and happier doing others things that I enjoy (Thank you CDing for entering my lonely life!) and trying not to think about "is she the one?"

I have fully embraced this side of me, probably to the detriment to other things that I enjoyed doing and can still do when this side of me lets me do it. Having so much fun as Allie and just being my almost normal social butterfly self when out has opened up so many opportunities for me. Now my issue is my new fear of getting so involved that I will need to tell that special her about this side of me. My dream situation is to meet someone while out dressed, and that has happened, but my tendency to find perfection, i.e. I see all the flaws as well as the beauty, also interferes.

So, my recommendation is to get your butt out there doing whatever it is that you get excited about, sports, dressing, theater, other hobbies, be yourself in personality and have fun and just as important for others, be a fun person to be around. We all have our baggage and issues. We just do not need to share that with everyone until the appropriate moment. Good luck.

[Amy R Lynn]

you are certainly not alone. The dating world is rife with pits and craters let alone adding "booby" (pun intended) traps to it. What has worked for me so far is to just be friends. I haven't gone out on a serious date for a LONG while now. I just meet up with friends and have a good time. Some of my friends know about Amy, and most of my friends don't. I have met more interesting women along the way than I think I would have on dating websites.

It is lonely for sure. But think of it this way, no one can tell you that you can't do what ever it is that you want to do. You don't have to worry about doing something that may disappoint someone. There is some liberation in being single!

[Alice Torn]

You wrote the story of my life! Since i was 18, people keep telling me i will meet someone, too, and at 59, no success yet. I also have been rejected for cding, and also because i am not well off financially. One day at a time. We get to the point, where it does not matter anymore, if we ever meet the right one. It is ok, ot learn to be content alone, or with pets. It would be nice to date again, though. What bothers me, is that , when i have an ad, with me as a lady, I get MANY guys responding, wanting to meet me, but, as a guy posting a personal ad, very seldo does a woman reply!! Crazymaking isn't it. Women are in great demand, but guys are seemingly not needed anymore by GG's. I sure empathize with you, and feel the same pain. Lonliness is the norm for many single men, and Cders, sadly. It could still happen, though, we cannot expect it. Best to you. Sometime, it could still happen. But if not, it is peadeful and quiet living alone, no strife.

[bulmabriefs144]

I've had terrible luck with dating, since I always feel like I should keep that part a secret.

I've met someone I like, but I'm just so nervous of it souring. It's a long-distance relationship, so although I want more to it, it kinda sucks that I can't see her more. She's not physically very pretty, but her acceptance is what's pretty about her.

I kinda came out to her about it last night, and she seemed very okay with that (she's part of the cosplay culture, so that stuff isn't that farfetched).

[k lynn]

Girl, I so totally understand. I've done about everything but the caveman bit. Hit one over the head with a club and drag her home.

So, I've quit looking. Yes, everyone says she'll come along. Hasn't happened yet, so I'll just do my own thing all by myself.

It's not bad talking to myself. At least this way I know I'll have an intelligent conversation!

Hugs,
Leah

I was married at age 18 the girlfriend and I fooled around our senior year and had a son then at age 38 we divorced now at 49 I havent had a relationship in a long time I also keep looking and doing my own thing sometimes its hard .

[Kimberlyfaye]

As far as I can tell, I don't do anything wrong. I'm a gentleman, I like to treat a woman as though she is the only one in the world. I'm nice, kind, caring, loyal. I'm a great friend and a great listener. I guess I do try too hard. The term 'Always the bridesmaid, never the bride' springs to mind. I am always the friend a woman will turn to when she wants to complain about her partner or life. "Why can't I meet any nice guys instead of bad ones?" they usually ask me. I'm just not boyfriend material I guess. I'm just useful as their lovely, kind shoulder to cry on.

By long enough I mean I have spent all of my school life and the time after, looking for a girlfriend. I know that's not really that long compared to some of you but I don't want to wait any longer. It's hard watching a woman you like go out with guy after guy, all while you sit there knowing no one has any interest in you. I have asked out tons of different girls. Gothic, pretty, tomboy, sporty, girly, you name it. I have no set type. I just love women. Maybe I am trying with the wrong girls, but it's not like I'm going after a certain type. If I see a girl I like I will become friends and then go on to ask her out. But then I'm just a friend so she's not interested. I've even tried just asking a girl out pretty much straight away. I think all of the women I have asked out were just shallow. They want tall, dark and handsome, ripped abs, and laddish. I'm not good looking enough. At least when I dress up I get attention. Even if it is from guys.

[Wildaboutheels]

Okay, so here'e the deal. And it's just one TACO's opinion.
Based on about 8 years worth of Dating on four different sites, 2 paid and 2 "Free" ones... Each has it's advantages and disadvantages. But make no mistake about it. The FREE sites collectively hurt ALL dating sites.

I saw it time and again on the Forums. And endless NEVER ending procession of "whining" men and women. And I am NOT passing judgement on you or your profile or anyone else here who has spent time at Dating sites. FACT. Almost w/o exception the men [complaining about their "luck"] had poorly written profiles full of almost every grammar mistake possible. Maybe something almost as bad as "I love to laff and chilland just have fun. And I will treat you like a special women. Write to me so we can hook up". Often they had bad/blurry/clearly old/cluttered background/taken with other males or [possibly scantily clad] females with no indication of the person in question. And possibly a slew of mirror shots. With or w/o a shirt with a silly smirk. MOST women do not want to see such shots.

Many/MOST of the whiny females had been on for at least 6 months if not possibly years. Even IF they had nicely written profiles and/or "good quality" DATED pics, they all had this same mindset about all the bad/lame email they got but refused to initiate contact and actually take a huge risk by actually SENDING a first contact email.

Sure you can waste an awful lot of time by sending emails. The few ladies that will answer are more often than not simply LONELY and looking for an email pal. If that works for you or you enjoy typing, plan on JUST typing because that is likely all you will ever get.

Your best bet [for actually MEETING women] from my own experience? You MUST get ladies to write to you. To maximize your chances for this, you have to understand a very simple concept lost on the vast majority of the "whiny" men. YOU are competing with every other male in your area/age range for the small group of females "sharp enough" to actually have the chutzpah to actually send emails. There are not many who will. Your profile should have at least ONE "good" photo if not a few. Put DATES on them!!! Your profile does not need to be a masterpiece but it needs to be as mistake free as possible. A minimum of 3 lines. Most ladies will not read beyond 8 or 10 lines... Don't be afraid to ask any friends for any input. Since you ARE competing with other guys in your area, go and look at your competition to see how your profile matches up. Don't worry that they will see that you looked. I am assuming the default on most sites is STILL that men looking for women won't see other men that looked at their own profile. And if they do see that you looked, SO WHAT.

Whether you choose to send and/or receive them, the next part is critical. INSIST on at least a phone call after no more than 3 emails. Some/most will disappear w/o a trace, especially if you wrote to them first. Almost w/o exception the ones "sharp enough" to initiate contact will be up for it. That first phone call will usually tell you everything. These "sharp enough" women either come to Dating sites and start looking/mailing right off the bat or figure out that waiting is NOT working.

Despite the endless whining of all the Forum folks about ladies and men they met using "untruthful" pics. I probably met 70 or 80 ladies during that period and not a single one was guilty of that. I am absolutely certain is because I refuse to waste time with emails. Anyone wanting/willing to meet right away is NOT hiding anything is the obvious conclusion. To me at least.

Another thing you can try is going to singles parties/meets. I have attended and shot pics for many here locally for both PoF and DH and met a ton of great ladies that way also. They are usually free or only have a small cover charge. You can meet a "ton" of ladies at one time that way who obviously are not on the site just looking for typing buddies/merely to have their egos padded...

I have not seen your profile or pics so please don't take any of the above personally. Often Dating websites have Forums JUST for submitting profiles for review and often there will be folks who love being able to offer constructive criticism. Some are very good at it and others, pretty bad.

And your CDing? As long as YOU control "it" and not the other way around, I think it's a mistake to mention it in your profile and it might cut your chances dramatically. Realize that these women who WILL write have tons of men to pick from.

LATE EDIT! I personally think it's a great way to meet ladies as long as you remember Dating sites are a marathon and not a sprint. Having to do an awful lot of wading is simply the nature of the beast.

Good Luck!

[Lynn Marie]

I must admit that Wildaboutheels has given you a truly masterful insight to online dating. At your age, the desire to mate and procreate is at its strongest. Trust me, once you give up looking, and relax, and accept a monastic life, you just might be pleasantly surprised at how attractive you become to the ladies. Of course, then you'll blow it by "glomping on" to her! LOL Try ugly girls, they're really appreciative! I wish you the best, it will happen. Probably when you least expect it.

[MatildaJ.]

Wildaboutheels gives excellent tips for using dating sites. This is also solid advice:

So, my recommendation is to get your butt out there doing whatever it is that you get excited about, sports, dressing, theater, other hobbies, be yourself in personality and have fun and just as important for others, be a fun person to be around. We all have our baggage and issues. We just do not need to share that with everyone until the appropriate moment.

On the other hand, I don't think this is a reasonable interpretation:

Women are in great demand, but guys are seemingly not needed anymore by GG's.

Women don't use dating sites as aggressively as men do, but most women do want to end up paired off with a guy. They might prefer to meet men in other ways. On dating sites, women think more highly of men they've approached, so write the most charming profile you can (as Wildaboutheels suggests).

As far as I can tell, I don't do anything wrong. I'm a gentleman... I guess I do try too hard...I think all of the women I have asked out were just shallow. They want tall, dark and handsome, ripped abs, and laddish. I'm not good looking enough.

My advice, like AllieSF, is to put more of your effort into activities you enjoy, and stop looking specifically to date someone. But work on achieving some level of excellence in your favorite activities, and then find a way to demonstrate that excellence in front of women who are interested in that sort of thing. Women are drawn to high performing men, but it doesn't have to be in the standard ways of height, money, or muscles. You can be a high performer in role-playing games, or on the guitar, or in ultimate frisbee, or even being the best damn drag queen you can be -- if you exude confidence, that's super sexy.

[Alaina R]

I guess we can only go by our own experiences so please pardon this overlong and slightly preachy reponse.
If women see you as the 'friend type' rather than the partner type, you are almost certainly giving off a vibe at some level that they are picking up on. Perhaps you are a little like I was, and are holding a part of yourself back out of fear.
When I was around 30, there was a woman who I was totally nutso over and who was very attracted to me as well. We went back and forth for years (most of the time long distance which papers over lots of issues) but it never quite happened. She told me once, that despite the mutual attraction, early on she picked up the sense that I was not really available. And thinking back on it I realize it was true. The CDing, which informs my sexuality to a major extent, created a block for me even before it did for the woman. So though I was a guy women tended to like (reasonably attractive, smart, blah blah blah), the possibility of a real relationship, as desperately as I wanted one, was lousy. My feelings about myself, about my CDing, about the chances of finding someone who was comfortable with it, about exposure, humilation etc made the chances of finding a relationship remote. It was only when I got to a point in my mid-40s (it can take a long time) where it seemed like everything had fallen apart - job gone, a 9 month relationship with someone I liked broken up (ultimately over the CDing) my closest male friendship ending due to arguments about money and such (never lend money to a 'good' friend) - that I changed.
I guess I just kind of gave in. I realized my life is what it is, not what I've imagined or fantasized, and I need to accept it and deal with it. In a way, I stopped fighting and just let go. Literally, about two months after I 'gave in', I saw an adv from a woman looking for a CD. I almost did not bother to respond thinking here is another bull**** adv come on from someone. But I decided why not - I've nothing to lose. I wrote her a letter about myself (BTW, women, even those who may be into CDing, first want to know about the person - not the sexual/kinky stuff). Long story short, we've been together almost 15 years, married 11.
What is the moral of this too long tale? My life did not change until I was forced to change. It wasn't until I got to a place of accepting a level of reality within myself that things outside myself changed. I don't know why things work that way but they do. My suggestion is that you stop looking outside yourself for the answer - the answer is in you.

[MssHyde]

internet dating is a good way to go, but be careful.

look at it this way, everyone has things that are most important to them.

when your ideals coincide with theirs it helps. (common ground)

such as horses, nature, dancing, working out. faith. any number of things.

guys crave respect women want security.

come across as respectable and they may respect you. but show you are solid not flaky and you will be supportive and loving.

I could find a woman that wants to marry me in a week or so at least I could at one time. I've been married for about 13 years.

but in between marriages I played the field.

if you can move a woman's soul with your words it helps. I used so send sound bits of me singing.

find what works

hugs Cheyenne

[DanielleT]

I never had any luck with internet dating sites, not that I tried it very much. Better to go to LGBT bars or clubs, dance some and meet people face to face. Almost all of the men and women I date today I met that way.

[Chardonnay Merlot]

I like what wildaboutheels said, because its true...

That is part of the reason why I got out of the internet dating thing, because the whole aspect of it, just doesn't play to my strengths. My strengths are more face-to-face one-on-one. Although I can write well and express myself well, such skills in my opinion just don't play well with the environment in some cases.

As far as looking goes. You have to look a little bit and be open. The whole idea of "it comes when you least expected" and "when you don't look, its come to you" is somewhat of a fallacy.

You have to put yourself out there. Do the things you enjoy and just let it ride. Even if its by yourself. That confidence is a force multiplier.

As far as expressing that femme side of yourself, being a CD. My policy is I'm upfront from the start, the same way I would be with any part of what make up this person known as "me". One thing I've learned the hard way is that you can run, you can try to hide, but eventually who you are comes out. So rather than try and hide it..just be you and work it. Somebody who can't accept the core being of who you are...then it'll never work. Now that not saying work on that things that short-circuit you (ex: if you have bad hygiene, that's something you gotta work on...if you have a negative frame of mind, its something worth working on for your sanity, let alone your dating prospect), but those things that make you unique, make you fun, make you worth getting to know? Hold on to those.

Yes, this policy will disqualify me for a large number of prospects, BUT I've also seen the other side, there's a lot more likely women who would not only accept it, they'd thrive on it than you think. There truly is somebody from everybody in this world, it just takes a little work, a little moxie and a little faith.

But mainly, to quote that famous line from "Risky Business" sometimes you truly have to say "What the F---" and just get out there, risk getting hurt and take your shot, rather than be one of those tepid souls who never know victory or defeat.

Oh, yeah and three rule I date by.

1. When I get back in the pool after a long hiatus (6 months or more), I "clean-sheet" the process, which disqualifies anyone I've dated in last 3 years.

2. If she didn't say "F--- YEAH!" (or reasonable equivalent.."Yes" is acceptable), she said "no". This is a good guard against the "whiny" types wildaboutheels talks about. Mainly, many of those folks I find have a sense of entitlement that is way over the top.

3. Down time is a great time to work on you. Take inventory of yourself. Work on your rough spots, tightening you game up and be the best person you can be...mainly for your own mental health and well-being. The better you feel about you, the better somebody else will pick up on it.

4. Do speed dating, if for nothing else than the rather amusing sociology of it all

[Leah Lynn]

I must not put myself out there very well. Went to a wedding reception last evening. Tried to mingle, but ended up drinking and BSing with a few guys from work. As they slowly left, I was sitting alone in the corner nursing a beer. Not even a glance my way for the ladies choice dances. I fiinally decided that if I was going to drink alone I could do it better at home.
I did try online, but most all that checked me out were looking for someone to support them. I won't support anyone and I don't want anyone with a truckload of baggage.

If I do manage to transition, will that make me a curmudgeonette, or curmudgeoness?

Leah

[TheMissus]

Kimberly, is your CDing a defining part of you or just a hobby? If it's the former you really need to be upfront at the very start. I personally would be livid if I discovered something so huge after I'd invested my emotions. If it's a hobby and something you indulge occasionally then I think telling after a few dates is okay.

I'll be honest to everyone here though - I wouldn't believe the people who insist there are plenty of women out there seeking crossdressers. That's nonsense. There's definitely someone for everyone but I don't think it's any coincidence that most here were married before revealing their CDing. This isn't something the majority of women are seeking in a partner. My advice would be for all the single people here to first indulge in some serious soul searching about what CDing REALLY means to them before involving another person. And I mean really invest time into what this is and where you think/hope/worry it might lead. This is VERY important.

Then you can hit the singles scene confident you know who you are and believe me, there's nothing sexier than a man with self confidence. Nothing.

[Beverley Sims]

Kimberley,
finding a mate does not happen overnight.
Have fun finding one , and when you do find her, treasure her.

[ReineD]

As far as I can tell, I don't do anything wrong. I'm a gentleman, I like to treat a woman as though she is the only one in the world. I'm nice, kind, caring, loyal. I'm a great friend and a great listener. I guess I do try too hard.

It's hard watching a woman you like go out with guy after guy, all while you sit there knowing no one has any interest in you.

Women, at least the women of my generation, like to be pursued. This doesn't mean acting like a bad boy or an insensitive jerk, but a woman likes to feel as if the guy is or has the potential to be passionate about her. If you become their friend first, then they are getting the wrong messages from you.

I have asked out tons of different girls. Gothic, pretty, tomboy, sporty, girly, you name it. I have no set type. I just love women. Maybe I am trying with the wrong girls, but it's not like I'm going after a certain type. If I see a girl I like I will become friends and then go on to ask her out. But then I'm just a friend so she's not interested. I've even tried just asking a girl out pretty much straight away. I think all of the women I have asked out were just shallow. They want tall, dark and handsome, ripped abs, and laddish. I'm not good looking enough. At least when I dress up I get attention. Even if it is from guys.

Don't give up too soon.

It's more than just asking a girl out. I call up my friends all the time and ask if they want to do something. A girl has to FEEL as if you really want her. This is chemistry and it goes above and beyond just asking if a girl wants to meet you for coffee or go to the movies.

I don't want to paint with a broad brush, but I have noticed a trend over the years among many CDers. Many do tend to see women as friends and many do say they like the women to take the lead. This does not convey a strong romantic message.

It doesn't mean that you can't be friends with a girl, my SO is my best friend. But at first there was a lot of sexual tension between us, he didn't give me the impression that he wanted to be just my friend ... I don't really know how to describe it, other than I felt the chemistry big time. The first time that we laid eyes on each other, he was very bold. I felt his eyes boring into mine and I felt as if the earth beneath had opened up and swallowed me whole. This was all done before we even said a word to each other. lol

If you need help working on an attitude that might be more successful for you (I'm not saying that you need to change who you are but maybe you need to assert your needs a little more), you should search the web for forums for guys like you who do need some pointers on how to convey the message to a girl that you're interested in a romantic relationship. I ran across one years ago but I can't find it now. Still there are all kinds of forums out there, even if you look just to lurk. There are even romantic "Ask-A-Girl-Any-Question" type forums.

Good luck!