Hi Kelly,
I want you to know that many of us have been where you are now and can empathize. When I first came out to my wife, there were questions of our marriage surviving too. Over ten years later, not only are we still together, but our relationship is stronger than ever. It sounds like both of you are doing the right things, so I think there's a good chance you can make this work. We're all pulling for you.
Jamie
Thanks for that Debbie
Hi KellyO. You and your wife sound as if you are in a similar spot that my wife and I were at when I 1st told her. She cried, has admitted she has cried a lot more in the beginning and didn't want me to see it. She had a lot of doubts, and many fears. ( She still has some fears) It is good that you two are doing a lot of communicating. One thing at least with my wife that I have come to realize is that she doesn't like to talk about it for hours and hours at a time. Touch on a few subjects regarding CD, discuss some feeling and thoughts, then she needs to talk about other aspects of our life.
I know with me, after having it pent up inside for nearly 30 years, just discussing it let alone dressing was a tremendous release and relief. It would get to be a bit much for her at times in the beginning. She is not as uncomfortable discussing it now, and I try to keep the convos a little shorter in duration about it. How you go about handling this in your marriage, the compromises and expectations will likely make the difference. I am finding that being patient and giving her time to adjust has been the key for our marriage to survive so far. Give her the respect that it is as difficult for her now as it was for you to come to terms with it all. (lf now moreso) Give her a break from it when she gets frustrated. Lastly, its good to remind yourself that what is almost always as difficult for our SO's are the feelings of betrayal and dishonesty. My wife has told me more than once that she struggles with that aspect as much as the CDing itself. From what I have read on here, that appears to be very typical.
You didn't tell us if you were wearing one of her dresses. Because that will continue to be part of her reaction. So, part of the discussion is finding a budget for your own clothes, even if it means buying them at some consignment/ used clothing store.
So, one promise that is easily followed is to only wear your own femme clothes and never hers without specifically asking her. It also means not hiding them from her. They can be "out of the way" but still not hidden, not prominently displayed but still accessible easily. Once they become "just part of her new normal" it will become far less of a big deal for her.
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. Mark Twain
thank you soooo much for your thorough and informative post Debbie. that was extremely helpful. and thanks for the well wishes JamieG and all.
to answer one of the questions posed, i actually was wearing one of her dresses in the pic that she saw. the biggest reaction she has had from that was, "how the heck did you fit in it?". i am sure she has thought about it more than she's shared. although we have talked a lot about this and still continue to. we have not yet gotten to when/where/how i will dress going forward. we will get to this. she knows this is not something i can be "cured" of and i need/want to do. perhaps we just need to come up with the rules/boundaries on this activity for me. and when we get there, i cant imagine i will wear her things again. that might be too weird for her. i certainly wont do that on my own. when we get there, i will out now and get my own things. i've never had an expanded wardrobe. now i can go do this......in time.
things are going really well right now. i understand its still really early. this Thursday will be 2 weeks. we still talk a lot. we are more intimate and i feel closer to her than i ever have. its wonderful. right now, we are sked to see our therapist once a week, so we'll see how that goes.
been reading a lot on here and its all really helpful. this was a nice place to find.
i'll keep you guys posted.
thanks all.
love,
kelly
DebbieL has some good points but I have to disagree on these:
- Don't tell her you'll never want to transition. Sure, there are some who don't know, but some of us have always known that we will never want to transition, just regular guys who like to dress up occasionally and don't want to become a woman full-time. You never told us what drives your dressing, and it's possible that you may want to transition in the future. But if you just dress up for sexual excitement and otherwise enjoy your life as a man, say so.
- Do let her set boundaries. No. To balance your needs with her disapproval, boundaries (and their flip-side: permissions) should be negotiated. And don't agree to terms you can't keep (and neither should she).
- Do be willing to let her meet Kelly. Only if she wants to AND you are comfortable with it. But the result could be a greater turn-off for her.
- Do let her give you fashion advice. Her advice may be inconsistent with your style, taste, preferences. If you allow her to give you advice, she may be "put off" if you don't follow it.
- Do ask her to share any secret desires... This one's a head-scratcher. It sounds like "OK, I told you my deepest secret desire, now you tell me yours so we can be even".
- Do tell her when you check out other women... Oh, please.
Last edited by NicoleScott; 09-10-2013 at 07:24 AM. Reason: spel
I have no advice, but I really hope you and your SO can work it out. Your marriage has been a good one, and I hope both of you can push through things together as a loving couple.
Be whoever you want to be. Screw what others think. It's their loss....
Good point Nicole. I hear this a lot and I believe I am guilty of using the global "let her set the boundaries".Originally Posted by NicoleScott
Yes by all means you need to discuss boundaries and limitations to your CD lifestyle so as not make your SO uncomfortable. But I believe you should be looking at this as a contract (which may be open to negotiation at some point down the road). For example, my wife is reticent to allow me to go out in public as she is fully aware of how society can and will most likely view me. I tend to agree with her on that point (in my case "Dude does not look like a lady" and dude can have a very bad reaction to those who may want to do bodily harm). So we agreed, no out in public for the time being . . . will we revisit it . . . perhaps or perhaps not.
This should be a two-sided conversation not "I'm laying down the law (the CD or the SO)". If the CD absolutely needs to do something to feel whole and cannot live without it (I am talking severe emotional need, not a nice to have) then this needs to be in the contract. If one side cannot live with that option on or off the table the open dialogue needs to ensue until an accord can be reached mutually. If an agreement cannot be reached one way or the other, then it is likely the relationship may or may not survive but that will depend on a lot of variables which may or may not be related to CD.
Remember, there are two people involved her (the CD and the SO) not just one. Relationships should never be about "who has control and power" male or female. I never play the Alpha jerk at home I would not like my wife playing so either. Mutual agreement is the surest path to understanding. As another example, I brought the idea of "breast forms" . . . I could tell that made my wife uncomfortable as she was not quite sure how she would feel about me with breast (real or fake) . . . could I live without them . . . yes so it came off the negotiation table.
Now before some jump on me for advocating it is all about the CD and not the SO I would ask you to remember, we (the CD) are part of the equation as well. If we say . . . Yes dear, no breast forms but then can't live without them and go out and purchase some only to be discovered, your contract, boundaries or whatever you want to call them will be back at square one . . . Don't we always advise honesty in all things . . . that includes two way communication/negoation . . . n'est pas?
As well, this is not something you need to do right away . . . "Here are my list of demands, let's have yours and we'll hash it out." I recommend caution and much introspection (what you need to complete you, what you think may or may not hurt your SO) thing about it . . . talk and come to your contract, boundaries mutually and slowly . . . it has been three weeks and we are still working on it and I expect it will be a continuous process.
Hugs
Isha
Last edited by Marcelle; 09-09-2013 at 10:40 AM.
Kelly,
Welcome and thanks for sharing. The best thing I got from your post is that your wife and you are communicating openly and regularly about this. KEEP THAT UP!! Doing your best to understand the adjustments and challenges she is going through will be a great help. I should mention, I am still in the closet with my wife, but have not been actively dressing that long (couple years) and am working toward coming out. If you read through similar posts, you will find the pink fog mentioned, and keeping things on a slow pace so she can adjust. This is just logical. You will want to jump in with both feet, but she needs time to adjust. I have a good friend with wife and kids, she dresses regularly and does family activities with their kids. This is the goal we all wish for, but many never achieve, so patience is important. Do what you can to build her belief that you have her at the top of your priorities list.
I wish you well and look forward to seeing your story unfold.
Hi Kelly
You’re 41 and you’ve been crossdressing since you can remember, but you just wore heels and a wig for the first time. Even though you are in your forties, it is true that you are pretty much a novice. You didn’t say and no one has asked as I write this, how did it feel to wear heels and a wig, i.e. how did it feel to look in the mirror and see yourself as a woman? Did you think omg and your heart skip a beat?
I worried when I read in your op that you and your Wife were going to see a Therapist, one that the two of you had seen previously, as that can be a big mistake. Marriage Counselors or Therapist who have not been trained to deal with gender issues can make matters much worse. Even if your Therapist seems opened minded to your crossdressing, and doesn’t have any pre-conceived ideas about crossdressing, I would urge you to seek out on your own a Therapist trained to deal with gender issues. Your Wife will have a better chance of accepting your crossdressing if you yourself accept it and are comfortable with it. I’m seventy and I still have questions; I’ve been seeing a Therapist every month for more than two years, and I plan to keep seeing her.
A number of replies have suggested that you don’t make promises that you can’t keep. You may tell your Wife that you will never dress again, only to find that the next time she travels you can’t resist the urge to put on something feminine. Then you’re right back hiding from your Wife and lying to her. I can still remember the first time I looked in a mirror wearing a bra under my shirt and thinking omg; I was in my early teens at the time. All I could think about at school the next day was getting home and putting on that bra. There have been a number of omg days ever since – getting close to six decades worth. Every time I put on one of my bras and slip in the forms, apply my makeup, brush out my wig, pick out something to wear, apply my nail polish, and look in the mirror I have that omg feeling.
I don’t know how your crossdressing will evolve, nobody here does, and neither do you, but one thing I’m fairly sure of is that you can’t just quit. My Therapist told me there is no known “cure”, medical science doesn’t yet know what causes people to cross dress. What they do know is that it is extremely rare that an individual can completely stop; many can stop for awhile, maybe even a few years, but the urge invariably returns, and when it returns it is usually stronger.
I’d like to suggest that you read the book “My Husband Wears My Clothes: Crossdressing from the Perspective of a Wife” by Dr. Peggy Rudd. The book is intended for wives but I think it will give you some insights you probably don’t currently have. Once you have read the book, you can probably read it in an evening; you can then decide if it is something you want to pass on to your Wife. You may want to just pass on some of Dr. Rudd’s knowledge. The book sells for less than $15, or about $8 as an eBook.
Babs
Welcome, Kelly -- best of luck making it all work. This thing of ours, it's complicated ...
I surely hope ther will be forgiveness, and compromise, and lots of empathy and communication on both sides. That has to be one of the toughest expereinces in life for you, and her. Yruth is, though, ALL, both mates, all of us have things we hide from others, including those closest. I am sure she may have a few secrets, too. We all have at least one. Acceptance of our imperfectness is a key to it. I hope the marriage will survive, but if it doesn't, you are in lots of company. one day, or minute at a time. Communiction is the key, and maybe treat her to a great restaurant, and talk may help, too.
thanks for your note Barbara. yes, 11 days ago was the farthest i have ever taken my dressing: bra, panties, thi highs, garters, black dress, some make-up (not a lot cuz i dont know what to do actually), limited jewelry, heels (too high actually for me) and a cheap wig i got on-line. and it felt................incredible! omg to use your phrase. it was wonderful.
perhaps if i had a bit more courage, i would post one of the 6 pics i took that night. not crazy about how the wig looked though. need to improve there.....;-)
since i told my wife about kelly, i havent really had the "urge" too much. only in last few days have i thought about dressing again. i am NOT going to do this until i talk to my wife about it.....she will know (if she wants to know). she deserves that.
thanks all. so moved here,
kelly
Kelly, my personal read on whether a marriage will survive is governed by how is the marriage going without the cross dressing issue? There is always the ongoing discussion on the site as to whether not telling is lying by concealment of a significant fact in a relationship. You're past.
Your wife has the years of marriage to govern her response. Yes, there will be years of turmoil, lingering doubts, questions, etc. Hopefully, she will weighs the scales and decide my hubby has this little quirk, but, otherwise he is a great guy.
When my wife and I were first married we dabbled in some bedroom play; me wearing a nylon nightgown and stockings. We even went shopping together for her and myself. Then I gravitated more and more to other garments; panties, slips and bras. Neither I nor my wife understood what was creeping into the marriage. My wife once told me she wished she had not told me of some of her youthful indiscretions, because it would have made it easy for HER to walk away from the marriage. Had I known and disclosed I was a cross dresser when we first got serious, she would have dropped me like a hot potato. Now she realizes, and her family and friends agree, I am and always have been and will be a thoughtful and caring husband, father, grandfather and great guy. It sounds as if I'm patting myself on the back, and, I AM because I have always gauged myself against others.
Kelly, if your wife knows you, then she will accept YOU. She may not accept or participate in your cross dressing, but, she will accept you. And, don't try to push her to accept more than she will accept on her own.
Stephanies' observation that her wife knows that she is " a thoughtful and caring husband, grand father and great guy." is really important. My wife has often observed that I am the same person, regardless of how I happen to be dressed. That cuts both ways. I like to think I'm a decent, honest, considerate person. And I acknowlege openly that I am far from a 100% redblooded, macho man. And yet, whatever I am, its the same regardless of what I'm wearing. If I'm dressed in a wife beater, workboots and jeans, I'm still the same person...a mix of genders in my case...as I am when I'm wearing a pencil skirt and silk top.
Its true for you as well. If there are things she loves and depends upon within you, those things are there regardless of how you dress.
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