I need input from other cross dressers...

[PaulaQ]

Not everyone experiences the same depression and anxiety that I did. I waited too long to start transition. By the time someone is as miserable as I was, it's sometimes too late for them. I was surprised I made it through the last year. Some of us just realize we'll never really feel right or be happy unless we transition. I bet he's been more miserable than you realize. Gender dysphoria is nasty - I wouldn't wish what I went through on terrorists.

To some extent, transition has to be worth it before it makes sense to do it. It's a tough process, and what you gain needs to be better than what you lose.

It's possible he won't fully transition - some of us are able to get significant improvement from only HRT. This is way less radical than a full transition.

Do keep in mind though that what he's going through is essentially the same kind of thing that gives you diabetes. Your body doesn't produce enough insulin. His doesn't produce enough estrogen, and it affects his mind. I hope you are able to see it that way if it comes to that.

Research suggests that transgender people undergo some type of hormonal anomaly in utero. This causes portions of our brains to develop as the wrong gender. For reasons we don't understand yet, people finally reach a point they can't stand their gender dysphoria at different times of their lives.

If he does transition - and I hope he doesn't need to - try not to see it as his failure to fight for your marriage. If he needs medical treatment, he just needs it.

Like I said, what you describe sounds pretty trans to me.

edit:

I forgot to mention that I really sympathize with the agony of your waiting for a decision about whether or not to transition from your spouse. My wife went through that with me, and it was horrible for her. Our relationship during the four months between my coming out, and then our separation, was a roller coaster ride, and really miserable for the both of us. The waiting for my decision was one of the worst parts for her. I told her that I didn't want to transition, but I knew that I couldn't rule it out. I was sick enough that I'd just do whatever I had to do to find relief, regardless of the cost. I'd hoped that just crossdressing would be enough - unfortunately she couldn't bear to see me dressed. Seeing me for the first time greatly accelerated our separation. Once I knew I needed HRT, I told her I'd transition, and we ultimately split up. I started my transition the day I moved out of our home.

From the perspective of a wife, the transition of her husband can feel a lot like his death. It's a grief process. I hope you are spared this, but understand that this could really happen, I'm very sorry to say.