Is crossdressing making you bitter and anti-social?

[Sonya]

Leslie, there is a reaction to every action. You are actually free to do as you please as long as you are not breaking any laws. I spend a lot of time by myself and sometimes crossdressing does make me bitter and anti-social. I wish I can just be myself but then you think about how that would affect people around you. Most of us are in so much conflict with who we are and what the general societies expectation if from us. When you add the guilt and the shame most of us carry, we are stuck between a rock and a hard place.

[ArleneRaquel]

Not at all, if anything I'm more out going than ever. Ignorant people sometimes get me down, but I consider the source.

[Alice Torn]

Sonya, I agree. Much conflict, confusion, anger, frustration , fear and gulit too often true. Much of it is over going out the door.

[Adriana Moretti]

[Andy66]

Leslie, you really struck a nerve in me. I spent six years (six years too many) with an insecure, manipulative man who would complain about what I wore. He didnt like my pants, shirts, or even my underwear. I bent every way to accommodate him, but he wouldnt return the favor by simply refraining from wearing certain ugly sweaters in public. We had other issues, but they all boiled down to insecurity and a power struggle. Looking back, I was a fool to stay as long as I did. I get you, girl.

By the way, his family, for the most part, was just awful, but I think being polite to the in laws is a different subject, and something you kind of have to do.

I dont think its crossdressing thats making you bitter and anti social. I think not feeling like you can be yourself, defensively reacting to a situation like a fighter on the ropes, instead of thoughtfully making your own choices, is what is making you bitter and anti social.

[PaulaQ]

I dont think its crossdressing thats making you bitter and anti social. I think not feeling like you can be yourself, defensively reacting to a situation like a fighter on the ropes, instead of thoughtfully making your own choices, is what is making you bitter and anti social.

Pretty much this. It seems to be expected by much of society that TG folks should subordinate our needs to be who we are to conform and make others more comfortable. That rejection, abuse, discrimination, and even violence are our lot, and that we deserve no better. Their comfort trumps our identities - that's what so many seem to expect. The tragedy is so many of them, particularly partners and parents and friends are so awfully uncomfortable with us - it really is hard on them.

[Vickie_CDTV]

I have been bitter, antisocial and mad as hell since I was a small child, long before dressing became significant in my life, for reasons not related to dressing.

Many complain about their marriages and such, but remember there are folks out there who are lonely. Alone. Unwanted. Who have no human contact at all. Who have to sleep alone. Every single night of their life. Sometimes being alone isn't what it is cracked up to be either.

[Teresa]

Leslie I can't understand why more members aren't agreeing with you, it often feels like a one way street ! At some point it's got to be said, " What about me, I have feelings too !!"
The feeling of zero interest is just saying I want to change part of my life, and until I do I'm not interested on what's going on !

[Pink Susan]

Great Topic Leslie , and I can relate to your points well .

Dressing En Femme has made me very anti social , and I make my excuses regularly . If there is an opportunity to dress in the manner I prefer , and make myself up , whether its just relaxing at home or sneaking out alone , I'll pass on social occasions most times , in order to enjoy being the real Me.

I hope 1 or 2 rude replies , don't prevent you starting more of these interesting Threads

[Andy66]

Popular opinion seems to swing back and forth between treating your spouse like a queen, and dressing how we like. Only a lucky few have relationships where both of those things can happen at once. How do they do it?

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Leslie, I'm the same easy going person no matter what.

[mbeth426]

Popular opinion seems to swing back and forth between treating your spouse like a queen, and dressing how we like. Only a lucky few have relationships where both of those things can happen at once. How do they do it?

Compromise, communication, honesty and trust. I feel like I am trying to compromise the best I can, so that I am not completely dismissing and ignoring how I feel, but also taking his feelings and needs into consideration. I communicate with him constantly about how I'm feeling, what I'm scared about, what I feel I can or can't handle, etc. I have always been 100% honest with him, even if I know what I say may upset him. Trust, that's not so good right now, but I hope I can get it back.

On the other hand, I feel lack of compromise from him. Many things I suggest he flat out says no I can't do that, but never comes back with "but I can do ____". His communication skills have always been lacking, but I feel him starting to open up and talk to me a bit more (it helps if I do my best not to cry, which can be difficult because I'm extremely emotional). His honesty with himself and me hasn't been too good lately, somewhat affected by his guilt, inability to communicate well and him not wanting to hurt me.

But if both people are willing to work on these things, I think it could work. It may be bumpy for a while, but it could work. I think for both people compromise can be the most difficult, depending on how deep the feelings/needs go.

[Marcelle]

. . . "you have to", or "it's expected" - and mainly to keep the peace with your spouse or SO? And this is likely the same spouse or SO who forces you into a DADT relationship with her to maintain marital harmony, but on her terms? Terms that are coming from an asymmetrical power imbalance within the relationship, because she is using guilt and shame to manipulate you into getting her way? . . . this happy feeling is becoming inversely proportional to the resentment I am starting to feel over restrictions to being fully able to express this side of me within the confines (yes, I used that word deliberately) my marriage. And yet, at the same time I am expected to nod and smile while I accede to - and put up with - everyone else's idiosyncrasies, foibles, and neediness. In other words, starting to become bitter and anti-social...

Hi Leslie,

I just got back from my trip and am going to take a few days to rest and recoup but I wanted to respond to a few threads before going and this was one. Please read this response is given with good intentions and is not meant to hack on your thread but provide my opinion on what I see is a repeating theme in a lot of threads . . . "What about the rights of the CDer in a relationship to be who they are?"

While I understand your angst and the compromises you and others make to remain married I also believe that we (CDers) self-impose (read agree to) a lot of these restrictions upon ourselves much to our own detriment. When I came out to my wife, I expected and was prepared for the inevitable (get your stuff and get out). Luckily for me this did not happen and room was made for Isha in our lives. However, the standing agreement with my wife is, should a time come when Isha is too much for her to handle then I am prepared to walk away. We both know that Isha is not going anywhere, she cannot be boxed put on a shelf and forgotten as it would create undue emotional distress on me which would then (and did) translate into bitterness, anger, hostility toward our relationship. So when I say I would walk away it is not because I am callous, unfeeling, selfish or narcissistic . . . it is for the exact opposite reasons I would do so. I love my wife far too much to become that angry, bitter and hostile (emotionally) douche I was becoming before I came out. If I accepted conditions which I could not live with it would not be long before I would feel bitter and mad and the relationship would end. Relationships falter all the time over things not even related to CDing (e.g., money, infidelity, work, hobbies) these are either worked on via mutual communication and/or couples counselling. In the end they may be resolved or they may not and both parties go their separate ways . . . that is life and sometimes it is not "happily ever after."

Don't get me wrong, I have agreed to things when it comes to CDing that I can live without but likewise my wife has agreed to things she can live with. I agree 100 percent with your statement that no one party (CDer or SO) should have an unequal balance of power when it comes to this thing we do. If power is to be portioned (either equally or more one sided) then both parties need to agree. If you have agreed to a more "one sided power balance" and can live with it as many here in DADT relationships have, then it will most likely work out. If you have not agreed to a such a power imbalance or feel as though you drew the short straw in the "rule making" then it will most definitely lead to bitterness.

Now before anyone piles on with a "holier than thou - you have an understanding wife" tirade, I am fully cognizant that we each remain in marriages for a variety of reasons. Many GGs stay with CDing husbands on this site for various reasons and many CDers remain in DADT relationships for various reasons. However the one constant in relationships is that you either find common ground and move forward (it may still not be all sunshine and lollipops, but what relationship is) or you try to find common ground and cannot at which point there are only two options (1) end it in the best way possible or; (2) remain in the relationship and hope for the best . . . however each has to make their own decision for that scenario.

Hugs

Isha

[LaurenS]

I'll admit that I am frustrated too. Not just with my TG issues, but the world in General, what with all the bigotry, ideology, irrationality, etc.

However, there is not much I can do but be true to myself and try to have a happy life. Forgiveness seems to be daily for me, while all the while being ignorant of my own faults. I'm working on that, though.

No guidance here, just thoughts.

[skirtsuit]

In general, my experience of being an occasional out & about CD has been positive and has opened up my social world considerably. Women, young and young(er), old and old(er) will interact with me in ways that I probably wouldn't ever experience if I was just a regular 50yo guy. I think the CDing has probably kept me from getting bitter..

Best,
Ms. Wedge

[devida]

Popular opinion seems to swing back and forth between treating your spouse like a queen, and dressing how we like. Only a lucky few have relationships where both of those things can happen at once. How do they do it?

Way before I recognized I was transgendered and made a real effort to stop playing gender based games my wife and I had to agree to equal and non gender based power sharing. The games that men and women play in the interests of society's oppressive view of gender roles are many, mostly unconscious, and so destabilizing in a modern world that I am frankly amazed that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce. Mbeth talks about her husband's flat out no's and lack of communication skills. These are as much gender based behaviors as the ridiculous need for men to have an answer to everything (and that one is very difficult to stop), to refuse to ask for directions, or to feel they must have power over women's reproductive choices. Since both my wife and I are alpha males, or I should say, in all honesty she's an alpha male and I'm an alpha female, not being incredibly sensitive to the power dynamics of our relationship always resulted and from time to time still result in arguments that are so destructive to our emotional well being that we are hung over for days. We simply can't handle them.

I agree entirely with Isha that, as she said, if power is to be portioned...then both sides have to agree. I am afraid that too many marriages just blunder along their destructive paths because the partners are unwilling to surrender power and often won't even talk about it.

I do treat my wife like a queen and I do dress how I like. But she also treats me like a queen and she also dresses how she likes. Actually I think her taste and presentation is so superior to mine that I defer to her most of the time, drawing the line only if I think the clothes and presentation she suggests are too masculine for me.

We still have problems. No relationship exists that doesn't have problems. But we know or rapidly recognize where the problems come from. They usually are assertions of power resulting from personal issues like exhaustion, pain or anxiety. The way that power is asserted is most often by being short, curt, dismissive or neglectful of the other person, by discounting their feelings, by undervaluing them. Invariably this results in the other partner complaining or being curt and aggressive in turn. We just got better at stopping this hateful cycle quickly by recognizing our behavior, talking about it and apologizing. I can't say this is easy to do but it certainly beats the alternative. Of course I think that I apologize too much, she doesn't enough and she thinks I never apologize and she's always having to defer. But we do understand that that is just what we would think and we don't have to act on it. We can recognize we're still thinking like hurt children and at least we can act like sane adults.

[Ressie]

I'm not quite fed up with socializing with relatives and straight friends, and I wouldn't call my behavior antisocial either. But I do spend too much time at home alone (which isn't social), not necessarily dressed. My bitterness is about my income being reduced for the last 4 or 5 years, and CDing is part of the reason that I don't get out there and socialize with prospects, or seek better employment.

I don't blame CDing on my grumpy moods, but I'm sure it's a factor. I sometimes wonder what my life would be like if I were out in public as a full time CD, but it's never been what I wanted to do. Come to think of it, I doubt that would make me happy unless it was completely socially acceptable.

I see where you're coming from Leslie even though my situation is much different than yours, now that I'm single. Freedom!

[Sonya]

So when I say I would walk away it is not because I am callous, unfeeling, selfish or narcissistic . . . it is for the exact opposite reasons I would do so. I love my wife far too much to become that angry, bitter and hostile (emotionally) douche I was becoming before I came out. If I accepted conditions which I could not live with it would not be long before I would feel bitter and mad and the relationship would end. Relationships falter all the time over things not even related to CDing (e.g., money, infidelity, work, hobbies) these are either worked on via mutual communication and/or couples counselling. In the end they may be resolved or they may not and both parties go their separate ways . . . that is life and sometimes it is not "happily ever after."

This makes sense to me but mainly in the opposite way. One of my reasons why I walked away from my marriage was actually the anger and the resentment that my ex had towards me. After many purges and futile promises to myself, I have no choice but to live with this side of me in harmony (if that is at all possible). Mind you my ex never saw me dressed (that I know of), I never underdressed in front of her, never took it in to the bed room, no hair removal of any kind other than face and I most of the time had some growth on my face. Even though it was hard to end the marriage, I think letting her go was the only honourable thing to do. Don’t get me wrong, we had many other problems in our marriage, maybe all of those problems could have been managed to my ex's satisfaction but not my cross dressing. Some of you and GG members might think that I am just playing the role of a victim and looking for sympathy but I assure you this has been my personal experience and I never blamed my ex or imposed anything on her. I really don’t know if my cross dressing was just an easy way out of the relationship for her or she was so repulsed by my cross dressing and lost all her trust on me.

[CynthiaD]

You have to be your own yardstick. Over my many years, I have been treated shamefully and shabbily by many people. Many of whom I considered to be among my best friends. You cannot measure yourself by these things. Giving credence to them, even in the slightest degree, is what leads to bitterness. But bitterness does not harm the person who mistreated you. It harms YOU, and no one else.

When someone treats you badly, ask yourself this: if the shoe were on the other foot, would I have treated them the way they treated me? If the honest answer is NO, then you've won. It doesn't matter how it seems at the time. You're the better person, and that's all that matters.

Live up to your own expectations. Measure yourself by your own yardstick. If you do that, and the result pleases you, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.

[Brianna_H]

And to those men who think that wearing women's clothing makes me less of a man, let's see them find the courage to walk the length of the Galleria wearing a pretty dress! And enjoy it!

To the women who think that wearing women's clothing makes me less of a man, the only opinion that counts is Mimi's.

<3

Best answer EVAR!

[Stephanie Sometimes]

I think I understand exactly how you feel Leslie, especially the frustration you experience when the “happy feeling is becoming inversely proportional to the resentment I am starting to feel”. That certainly resonates with my experience and I don’t like that feeling at all. I just refuse to allow myself to evolve into a grumpy old man and am doing my best to prevent it from happening. Grumpiness is just not in my character and yet I see it creeping into my mindset way too often. In my case the CD’ing is not the source of my marital frustration but the inability to freely express my CD nature certainly exacerbates the other problems and increases the frustration level. I think that’s a unique problem that many of us here may face (other folks have many other problems so we are not unique in having problems obviously).

Your post just expresses your feeling of increasing frustration with the double standard imposed on MTF CDs in society and your unhappiness with yourself due to the resulting growing resentment you feel. Why a few here on this forum would attack you for your post as a “pity party” is somewhat beyond me but I think it illuminates the problem even more that we CD’s are regarded as dirt by some people and have no right to complain especially in regards to marital issues.

Thanks for your post Leslie. Good luck on working out your frustrations, there may be no easy solution and I think these problems become more difficult as we get older and we perceive that our options in life are more limited. I do hope you can resist the grumpy syndrome as it’s no way to lead a life.

Hugs,
Stephanie

[JamieG]

I think my answer is "it depends." My relationship with my wife is great, and I enjoy spending time with my two young daughters. I like visiting with my parents, and can honestly say that I even like my in-laws. When I'm with family, I just put the need to crossdress on hold. But, I've never had to spend more than say a week at a time with my parents or in-laws, so this might have something to do with it. They also live 4+ hours away, so we only see them a few times a year. That said, sometimes I feel uncomfortable when talking to my parents on my phone, and having to conceal some of my activities. Mom: "What did you do this weekend?" Me: "Um, not much." because "Oh, I put on the cutest dress and went out and had drinks with my crossdressing buddies" just would be too much of a shock for her.

That said, I have noticed that I am more likely to feel slighted at work since I started to more strongly identify as TG. Is this sort of my way of saying "I feel put upon by society enough that I won't tolerate minor annoyances?" I don't know. Maybe it's just a symptom of getting older and has nothing to do with being TG.