Alright enough.

[Desirae]

If this story is true, 7 years IS a long time. The only thing I don't get, like many others, is why this lack of sexual intimacy is such a big deal now and (presumably) has not been over the past 7 years? Or, has it been? Whatever the case, either get in counseling and try to work things out or get a divorce on the grounds of lack of intimacy or irreconcilable differences or whatever. I say skip the cheating unless you can get absolute permission from your spouse. I get that, maybe, you don't want to divorce for the sake of the child? That's honorable but doesn't necessarily help anyone in the long run.

[mariehart]

Sorry for the delay in replying I just needed time to get it together. But what else do you expect from a selfish childish jerk, as Tamara put it. I posted in frustration. I just needed to tell someone, anyone. I didn't even have a fight with my wife that night. It just got to me in the end. I simply told what I was going to do. I didn't even mention sex.

But Tamara is right about one thing, there is more to it. But first in relation to the seven year thing. Yes it's seven years since we made love on a regular basis. It stopped after the second child. But there have been intimate moments since, five times by my estimate and only two could be described as more. None this year and maybe one last year. But it is seven years since our normal intimacy ended because she lost interest after giving birth. Now I understood perfectly and never put any pressure on her. It happens.

But time dragged on and nothing changed. Not only that when I tried to raise the issue she dismissed me, wouldn't discuss it or even acknowledge it sometimes. I felt like a 'selfish childish jerk' when I brought up the subject. I'm not a pushy person so I let it go most of the time. If I pushed it she would get angry and clam up. S

he did suggest that if it was that important I should go elsewhere. Her suggestion, not mine. That wasn't an option for me or at least it wasn't.

This didn't come out of nowhere, it's been building up for some time now. The problem for me is that I've become very isolated. When I married I moved to my wife's home city and at one stroke lost regular contact with what few friends I had. Also my family. I don't make friends easily, so it's been difficult.

Tamara drew attention to a couple of posts of mine which to her seem inconsistent whereas in fact they are completely consistent. I am a full time homemaker, November 2012 was when I was really coming to terms with it. Before that I saw the job as the most important thing and I committed hard to it. It worked out fine when the kids were babies. We put them in a nursery every day, at great expense. But it was worth it I thought. But the job was never destined to be full time, even though sometimes it seemed like that.

I was away a lot for a couple of years. But this was never reflected in the money I made. It is also seasonal and weather dependant. So by Nov 2012 I wasn't working at all because the season was over. Around this time I sat down and worked out that in fact the job was costing us money. Once I paid taxes the remainder didn't cover all the other costs, particularly child care. It was in effect an expensive indulgent hobby. Now I could get work overseas and get paid a proper salary but that's not an option at this point.

So Tamara, from Nov 2012 I was a full time homemaker with what had become an interesting paying hobby which I didn't mention at the time. Sorry about that. I didn't realise it would be used in evidence against me later on. In 2013 I worked when I could even if that meant I had to bring the kids with me and leave them in the care of someone while I worked. Not a very practical solution you'll agree?

This year even that went as well because of the move to another base. I only worked a couple of weekends this year. But up until the summer of 2012 I worked all the hours I could, to the detriment of our family life and relationship. That was what I was referring to. No BS.

In effect I had give up any career aspirations because I couldn't match my wife's salary. It just made economic sense. Unless I had a well paid job that made it viable to hire someone to care for the children then it made more sense to stay at home.

So now I have no money of my own and I contribute almost nothing to the family finances. I've worked hard all my life and no matter how you spin it, being dependant on someone else is not something to be proud of.

Meanwhile I am TS, now like many others I thought I could make it go away, not deal with it and indeed I seemed to cope well enough for a while. But it doesn't go away and I wake up every morning with that slap in the face. Then I spend the rest of the day with it tripping me up at every turn. It grinds away, in turns I feel frustrated and depressed or guilty and ashamed about it. But I can't do anything to resolve it because I have responsibilities now. It's not fair that my issues would affect my children and my wife. I may be selfish jerk but I won't do that to them. I'm never going to transition. I would kill myself first.

But I do crossdress for all the reasons many of us do. As a form of escape and because it relieves the tensions that build up. It puts the old TS genie in the bottle for a while. So I told my wife I was a crossdresser in the hope that she would see it for what it is and perhaps even embrace it, however lightly. She hasn't and now I feel guilty and embarrassed that I told her, imposed it on her. We spoke about it last night and she told me again how she can't get her head around it and how she never wants to see me dressed. I just said it's no big deal and she should just pretend it never happened. I changed the subject because I'm too tired to bother anymore and instead we spoke about her work issues as we always do. That's all we really talk about anymore. I don't have work issues and my personal issues are not to be aired.

But I won't stop crossdressing. It's too important for me and outside of being with my kids it's the last outlet I have.

So essentially I have no job, no income, no hobbies, no friends, no sex, no one to talk to and nowhere to go. Life sucks!

I have my kids and that's something. There are many like me and many worse off than me. But you know, maybe I'm entitled to a childish tantrum every now and then.

As for my wife I don't want anyone to think she's a nasty woman. On the contrary she's a kind soft hearted woman and I love her. But she does have her issues and an inability to discuss or even admit to them is one of them. We won't be going to therapy because she would never admit there's a problem and I won't go because I've no money for it anyway.

So there it is. Rant over.

[Alice Torn]

MH, You needed to get all that out, even if only on here. I can relate, in that I have been out of work a long time, and give blood plasma for income, and recycle metal. No wife or family, though. No friends in my area. Though, most on this forum, seem to be doing well, there are a few of us, who have been having tough times a while. I wonder if there are any low income counselors or therapists near you. But, with no income at all, that maybe out of the question. I don't know if you are spiritual or religious, but that may be the only way to hang on. Maybe even go to a pub, and there may be a willing ear. I am very sorry. I have been through 4 1/2 years of pretty much friendlessness, too, and barely hang on sometimes.One day at a time. A dog or cat friend can work wonders, too. I have two cat friends.

[Katey888]

Marie - you feel free to vent... it's partly what this place is for.. and if it helps, then keep sharing...

Not everyone will understand, but those of us that do can sympathise and will. For different reasons my wife has agreed to an 'open' relationship and I can attest that this is not something to be considered lightly but nor is the alternative... I really hope you can find a way forward for both of you - I doubt the forum here can help much other than giving you an opportunity to share and if that helps, keep on...

Best - Katey x

[Tracy Hazel Lee]

Ever heard of the song, "It's hard to kiss the lips at night that chew your a$$ out all day long?"

Nope, but that's the best line to describe my relationship I have ever read...

[Tamara Croft]

I might have been harsh on you Marie, that's just the way I am, however, look at your huge rant, it did you good, you needed to get that all out and do you feel better for it?? I must have hit a raw nerve, seeing as I'm the only one who you quoted and don't worry about the tantrums, I have them quite a bit Anyway, please do talk to us more, you know what they say, cruel to be kind, sometimes you just need a kick up the butt

[Michelle789]

Marie, I am really proud of you that you were able to stand up for yourself and that you were able to start dressing yourself in front of your wife.

I don't think Marie is a upset about not having sex for seven years, but for not being able to dress herself for seven years.

[Teresa]

Marie,
It is easy to fall into these traps if you're not a selfish person ! Having a rant is OK if we choose not to read it that's OK but to make unnecessary critical comments is uncalled for ! You feel bad enough without members ripping you apart !!

[avant1465]

Through all I've read in this thread, I think I can honestly offer my time-worn opinion of the situation in which mariehart finds herself. To wit:

If two people believe that they are "an item".... and IF things evolve such that those two people find that they are not compatible sexually/sensually/intimately.... THEN there really IS NOT a "relationship"... and they are best to go their separate ways....

This has NOTHING to do with C/D or T/S.... it is simply a fact-of-life about what goes on between men and women....

[Lorileah]

The only thing I don't get, like many others, is why this lack of sexual intimacy is such a big deal now and (presumably) has not been over the past 7 years?

Amok time?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Amok_Time

Yes everyone has a right to complain. But why are you keeping score? That reeks of "I did this, you should do that." To me it sounds like the negatives outweigh the positives so maybe it is time to move on. No one should be miserable in a romantic relationship

[docrobbysherry]

Wish u all the best, Marie. Altho I never quite understood how going upstairs and dressing because u aren't having sex helps if you're a TS? That mite work for me because I'm a "fetish closet dresser".

But, as u said in your closing post, you're "done contributing". So, whether I understand or not is "neither here nor there"!