Yes, I too went from wondering what was going on in my head, to finding out, and then to being scared of what I found. A lot of us here have experience with those incredibly awful feelings. They are real, they are powerful, they must not be taken lightly. I've read and heard from several sources that the suicide attempt rate among transgendered people is 41%. That's simply awful.

Some (many) of us have gone through the discovery, learning, and accepting process, and have begun to have wonderful, if a little unusual life. It's one of our characteristics, like a dominant hand, or eye color. When you get to that point where you become comfortable with it, life could be better than it has ever been before.

Of all the very important things that many have said, I agree that a qualified gender therapist is very, very helpful. My therapist is the person with whom I can talk freely about my feelings, and never feel marginalized or stigmatized. She asks tough questions that force me to consider my motivations, fears, anxieties, and even joys. She has guided me to a better understanding of myself, and better acceptance. I cried through my first session, and laughed at my most recent one.

Getting that kind of good help is really important, but so is providing for your family. So what's a gal to do?

This forum is not a substitute for having a good therapist, but a great substitute for having no therapist at all. Unless and until you can find a way to get a good therapist, keep in touch here. Let us know what's going on and we'll try to give sound advice. (caveat: Free advice may not be worth what you pay for it.)

Remember too that while we all have had similar experiences, your specific situation is unique. Don't fall in line with the group-think, believing that since so many others do something, it must be right for you.

Best wishes
MsVal