A lot of those heteronormative people are really freaking miserable too. They cheat. They have a super high divorce rate. They do all manner of unethical things. I would argue that the normal relationships between men and women fail pretty hard a lot of the time. But that's not my deal - I don't care. I am pretty sure I don't need to be with a bunch of random men or women. I am apparently a promiscuous person. I like sex - a lot. I think I scared my boyfriend a little the first time we went out. (He got over it in a New York minute, however - best deal ever, cheap date, classy woman, pretty much sure thing with sex.)Originally Posted by mechamoose
I'm really tired of feeling horrible about myself about this. I won't cheat on anyone I'm with. I won't. I'd rather break it off and be alone than do that. Anyway, yes, I understand the world thinks I'm terrible. I get it. I know you don't think I am horrible - we've talked too much. I feel, really, really, really bad about myself though. I really dislike these feelings.
I appreciate that you aren't judging me, thanks becky77. I really can't tell you whether or not most bisexual people feel as I do. Let's be generous though, and assume that they do not feel that way, or at least find ways to be involved with only one partner.
No, I suspect most people don't have the conversations I've had with my boyfriend. For the reasons why, see the first statement I quoted. BTW, my boyfriend doesn't really understand that it wouldn't bother me overmuch if he had another girlfriend. (I'd say another guy, as well, I wouldn't care about that, but there's no way in hell he'd do that - he is the straightest person I've ever met.) It'd be better if she was in a relationship with both of us. It'd be tough if he dumped me, or totally ignored me for someone else. It'd be tough if he wasn't upfront with me about it - and I found out about it without it being disclosed. I'd probably break up with him under those circumstances. He doesn't believe that I would be OK with this, however. I mean, who am I to demand something from him I can't give myself?
Anyway, most people are going to judge me about that. Straight, gay, lesbian, whatever. Maybe the asexual folks will cut me some slack while the enjoy knowing perhaps the only person on earth who envies them sometimes... I don't know if this is clear from what I'm writing - but I'm really miserable about all of this. It's not that I think I'm super-cool and deserve all these partners. Actually, I'd like nothing better than to just be a simple little straight girl. Seriously! That I'm not, that I'm some complicated thing just sucks on so many levels.
Yeah, the jury is still out on all that. I'll write about that in another thread. I have a horrible, sinking feeling this is going to go only slightly better than my transition did for my marriage. I'm kind of used to "OMG, I love you, I can't live without you! Wait, you're what? Oh you can GET THE HELL OUT!" Honestly, if that's how it goes down, I'll just give him back everything he's ever given me, and write him a check to cover what he's spent on dinners and stuff for me. (I do buy for him from time to time.)
What Paula really wants is to find a way to not be miserable, always wanting what she doesn't have. (We're not going to be bold here and shoot for "happiness." Just "non-miserable.") What Paula really wants is to find relationships where she isn't the object of intense resentment and hatred at the end of them. (Again, we'll set modest goals and not shoot for "lifetime relationships" here, just "no hate when they end.") Or at least where she doesn't have to write a big check if she does more than shake hands with someone. All kidding aside, I have terrible feelings of guilt about every relationship I've been in. I am very afraid of hurting anyone else. I just don't want to live with those feelings again. I'd rather be alone - or have meaningless one night stands. (Not a big fan of those, btw.)
Pretty clearly, Paula has a bunch of stuff to get over, not the least of which is "how can someone who's only ever had sex with women before her current relationship suddenly find themselves ashamed of having sex with women?"
