Wife leaving me. Need advice.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Gail, Run don't walk to the nearest attorneys office.

Please do keep us advised.

[MelanieAnne]

I think many of us overplay the crossdressing thing. As another poster posted a while back, their therapist said "it is within the range of normal male behavior"! Instead of unloading this deep, dark, secret, "I am a crossdresser", I think it is better to downplay it and still be honest. Don't bring it up. If asked or confronted with it, just say, "yeah, I've tried it a few times out of curiosity". That is a far better way to handle it than saying "I am a crossdresser, look at all my photos, don't I look great".

[Mollyanne]

Hi Gail, Like all of our "sisters" I know from where you are coming from. My advice is a little different, a bit jaded maybe but good nevertheless. go to the bank and close the existing account and open a new one IN YOUR NAME ONLY!!!!!! Get a detailed statement for when you and the wife had the account as jointly held and WITHOUT ANY UNDO HASTE, SPEAK TO A VERY GOOD LAWYER. They don't come cheap but in the long run it pays to go this route. Let the lawyer do ALL the dirty work and stay out of it. I also would try to get a restraining order against the wife's sister, her father, her mother and everyone and anyone else involved. Be prepared for dirty accusations and everything else that can be said to make you look like the "bad person" Good luck to you.

Molly

[theresa renee]

the supportive side of me:

so much great advice has already been given, so i'll say this - finding work has been hard the last few years, but things are changing! even now, i get more calls back now than i did during any time since 2010. you're going to be fine, i promise!

the matter-of-fact side of me:

you get what you pay for - pay for the best attorney; not the most expensive, but the best one.

also, someone posted about avoiding social media... that is the best advice given in this thread. stay off of facebook, twitter, whatever.

[JeanetteX]

Hi Gail, such a sad story. I have never been married, never had such an experience, so cant give you advice. Just wanted to say good luck girl, I hope things will work out for you soon

[MelanieAnne]

If you haven't filed yet, do it now! If you file, you are the plaintiff, and she is the defendant. In some states it makes a difference. Also if she left you, that is abandonment. My wife left with a long haired pot smoker half her age. Many people think no fault means you split everything in half and go on your merry ways. Wrong! In my state, no fault simply means if one party wants a divorce, no fault needs to be proven and the divorce is pretty much automatic. However, in my state, fault is taken into account in the division of property! And that's a biggie! I wound up with the kids, the house, and the dog.

I went back and read your initial post.

She never actually saw Gail. Neither of us wanted that. I have always kept my activities out of her way.). I told her about my hobby after the first time we made love. She also told me that day that she had MS. (Offsetting Penalties, no?)
Up till now, I believe she has kept my secret to herself. BUT I'm worried that she told her sister, and that they will try and use my secret as leverage in a divorce and custody.

Unless they saw you dressed, it is all hearsay, and irrelevant.

[heatherdress]

Gail - The advise you have received is very good. I also want to add another thought. Your wife is a sick woman - MS, heart attack, seizure. She is probably depressed. That is no excuse for her behavior, but she not a well woman and her health is probably a significant factor that you are probably well aware of. You don't want to fight because it will cost you both a lot of money and you both are unemployed. She needs to avoid stress. It would seem that a mediator would be the best solution - for you both. Probably the children, too. Maybe it is too late, but if she can be reasonable, it might be good to explore that option.

[kimdl93]

I think this is an excellent idea. The very best thing you can do is to keep cool, do nothing to escalate hostilities and seek a humane and reasonable arrangement. And focus your energy instead on getting reemployed.

[mechamoose]

Do what you have to in order to protect yourself.

For instance, if you decide you want to leave a job and they offer you more money, it is just a delaying tactic. They now know that you want to leave, and they won't be trying to keep you further until they find your replacement. Then you are gone due to some manufactured reason.

I know you hate it, but if your partner has hit the 'eject' button, then it is VERY hard to take that back.

Just continue to be you. That IS the source of the 'problem', yes?

How can YOU take that back? Isn't that the only solution that would be acceptable to them?

Be brave, I know this is gonna be hard. (I'm in my 2nd marriage. I don't miss the 1st one.)

<3

- MM

[MelanieAnne]

I know you hate it, but if your partner has hit the 'eject' button, then it is VERY hard to take that back.

Just continue to be you. That IS the source of the 'problem', yes?

How can YOU take that back? Isn't that the only solution that would be acceptable to them?

Be brave, I know this is gonna be hard. (I'm in my 2nd marriage. I don't miss the 1st one.)

Good advice. Once they have left, it would never be the same again. She might just wait for a better time to leave again. As Jimmy Buffet says, "Breathe in, Breathe out, Move on"!

My divorce hurt at the time. But it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I learned from it...........and never married again!

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Glad you're doing the practical things you can Gail, you have a wise head and it's firmly attached. The numbness is more than understandable- you're facing a new chapter in your life. But I do not doubt for a moment that you will ride through it and your kids are lucky to have you. I am certain that some time in the not too distant future, you will be telling us how you are rebuilding and that things are looking up.

Hugs, Nikki

[ashleyjane15]

I was in a similar situation to yours a few years ago. My ex-wife was getting worse at the time both physically and mentally. When she returned home from in-patient care, she told me that she wanted a divorce to "spare me from seeing her suffer." I was devastated. I fought as hard as I could to make her see that I loved her and wanted to work things out but after a year or so. I had to let her go and hope that she found peace and happiness.
I can only say that it will get better eventually. Just know that you have the love and support of friends and family members that will help you greatly in your time of need.

[MarinaSweden]

I am quite sure you have stopped reading all answers as there are so many, but to me, it is rather simple. You should talk to your children now before they get to know about it from someone else. I think they will understand and accept you. Especially if you promise to keep on being cautious and respect them if the for instance don't like you to be dressed when they have friends at home.

I am not far from that situation myself, but in my case, I am the one that is thinking of leaving my wife. She doesn't accept me as I am and that leaves me thinking, well, if she doesn't love me that much, what will I really loose if we were to split up? Maybe you don't see it that way, but maybe you will when you have had some time to think about it?

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Gail, Keep a good log of everything.
We are all here for you anytime you need to vent.

[gailbridges]

I am quite sure you have stopped reading all answers as there are so many.....

Ha ha!!

Well, Monday had to be the worst day of my life.
I went to the bank to move checking accounts around and found that she was there earlier in the day and removed the OTHER 50% of the money she had taken on Saturday.
She left me with $48 in one account, and .75 cents in the other.
Again, I know this is on the advice of her sister (I will not underestimate her again). I know this because later that night my wife sent a friend over with an envelope of cash. The money she had taken out Monday.

After discovering that all the money had been taken, the rest of the day was about fast damage control. I happened to find 2 gold coins that I had stashed away for a rainy day, and cashed them in. I quickly got the house re-keyed, and drove my truck a very long distance to pick it up from storage so I can stash it someplace. However, the tires were very cracked (Michelins) and I had a blowout on the way back home. Getting a shredded tire fixed on the freeway is a nightmare. Fortunately, the local tire place was just up ahead at the next exit after the spare was put on.

Rewind: My daughter (17) woke up crying.
Because of mom?
Uh huh.
Do you want to see her?
Uh huh.
Ok. I'll see what I can do.
Ok. But not Aunt ______ in the car!
OK

So I sent the wife several texts that morning to ask her to pick up the kids. No response.
Called her. No response.
Sent texts to her father, sister, and best friend. Best friend said she'll talk to me later. (She's the one who brought the money. But no details on what is going on in that camp.)

My daughter even asked her to come pick her up after school.
The only thing my wife said back was "I love you."

Later that night, my daughter and I went grocery shopping, and Wife called my daughter's cell. They agreed to talk later when we got home.
Daughter spoke privately, and not for terribly long. When they hung up, daughter went on at length about how evasive wife was... "Well, these issues are between me and your dad."
"Mom, I feel the issues have to do with me too. You're the one who left us."

And that's where we are today.

I've spoken with 2 attorney friends who are advising me. One of them knows my wife's sister, and is rather surprised at how vengeful she is.

I know my wife has been unhappy (so have I), and Monday being the first day without Mom home hit us all rather hard. And it hit me how particularly badly how I have neglected her, and this home.

[docrobbysherry]

Gail, I'm sorry about the S--- storm you're going thru now. But, it could get worse. A LOT WORSE! I live in SoCal and lived thru your nitemare. However, my ex and I had no custody issues. We easily agreed on splitting that so the kids wouldn't suffer. It was all about money!

I could tell u many things that I learned thru my experience. But, none of them is as important as this:

Employ an experienced divorce ASAP! U will NOT regret it! Custody is the worst, most contested issue! And, you're kids r considered children until they r 18, I believe.

[debstar]

Not a lawyer and not married, but for the love of god keep a cool head and don't do anything stupid. If the two of you end up In court you do not want any negative actions hanging over your head. CD or not I doubt that will even be an issue just play it cool and keep being a good dad to your kids.

[Katey888]

Gail - I'm sorry to hear that things are going downhill...

The old adage: "Hope for the best but prepare for the worst" is also a good motto to follow now - Blue Orchid's advice for logging everything should be considered mandatory - it will help you a lot.

You mention that attorney friends are advising you - are they doing that formally or informally? You should make sure that someone is retained formally so that there can be no accusations of impropriety from your legal advisers. You'll probably feel that the human issues (your children) should take priority and while their reassurance is necessary, you really need to make sure the legal stuff is in place and working for you.

The other old saying that applies here: "All is fair in love and war..." - don't think it can't get worse, I hope it doesn't but it probably will...

Katey x

[Suzie Petersen]

Dear Gail,

What a mess! Sorry you have to go through that.

I just want to add a voice to some of the advice you have already received:

- Keep a journal. Write EVERYTHING down with date, time and all. Who said what, who did what.
- Get a lawyer signed up. Like Katey said, advise from a friend is nice, but you need a lawyer formally on retainer or similar.
- Last but definitely not least .. Do not expect ANYONE to play nice or fair. Expect the absolutely worst in people to come out but at the same time, do your best to play nice yourself. If you can show to world, and the judge, that you are being the reasonable one here, it will work for you long term. Even if it might take biting your tongue now and then. If nothing else, you will sleep better at night when it is all said and done.

Hang in there!
Hugs
Suzie

[Dana44]

Gail,
Get an attorney. Do tell him everything and that it is DADT. Do express all fears to the lawyer. Do try to get a fair settlement. You have a lot working against you.
I went through a really tough divorce. But the one thing I was worried about, crossdressing and we also were swingers, he handled that in in the opening statements of the court. It was no issue on any of the settlement or even discussed in the two plus years of court.

[LeslieSD]

Am I the only one seeing the silver lining here? I think this might be a good outcome - for both of you. Rather than having both of you stuck in a relationship that none is happy, now both of you have a chance to start it over.

Just to take it one day at a time.

Sure it hurts. Sure there is much uncertainty. Getting an attorney, protect your interest, etc. , yeah, yeah. To me, any problem that can be settled with money is not a problem. You are healthy and you are free. Even if you came out this penny-less, you have the entire future ahead of you. What to be afraid of?

[Sissy_in_pink]

I know how you feel, when my wife left me it was divorce straight off the bat, no separation. Anyway, has your wife given any thought as to who is going to look after her when the MS gets so bad she can't look after herself, it's not as if her parents are going to be around forever.
A former colleague where I work had the same thing happen to him, only she left him for another man, she also had MS. Question is, is her new guy going to hang around to look after her when the honeymoon is over and he has to look after her full time.

[mechamoose]

I know how you feel, when my wife left me it was divorce straight off the bat, no separation. Anyway, has your wife given any thought as to who is going to look after her when the MS gets so bad she can't look after herself,

Similar, but different.

A life partnership is one of those 'in sickness and in health" things. If they want to be gone, it becomes someone else's problem. YOU didn't ask for the Divorce, they did.

Your responsibility only goes so far. You may be all into them, but if it isn't reciprocal then that does not matter.

Accept that and move on. You won;t get anywhere chasing ghosts.

(Yes, it sucks, and it feels like death)

- MM

[gailbridges]

Just got served the divorce petition 30 minutes ago.
Ugh. She's serious.
Sigh.

Again... everybody, thank you for your support.
Now here's another question..... ever been in this position and just want to forget all about your femme persona, and not do anything with her again?

[AmandaM]

Yes, when dire circumstances come up, I instantly go into man mode. But, when things chill out, she comes back.