You are carrying around shame and self hatred because you feel you are not what society says a man should be. I'm a fetish dresser who grew up in the 50's and 60's. Back then I heard society use words such as sick, perverted, weird, and abomination to describe someone like me. I carried around this shame for many years until I realized I was a decent person in spite of what I liked to wear. Society likes to control people, make them conform, and make them perfect. Every human being is different in some way or another. Do you want to live for society or live for yourself? There is a great book called "The Gifts of Imperfection" by Brene Brown. She is a "shame" researcher and the book explains how shame/self loathing affect your self esteem and your quality of life. I highly recommend it.
