Mike,
I honestly agree with those who have said you should go see a gender therapist. Yes, one who has lots of experience with transgender people, and who can help you to figure this stuff out. I honestly cannot tell you whether or not you are a transsexual, or somewhere else on the gender spectrum, or someone with OCD and an addiction.
I disagree with those who say there is no fetish or masturbatory component to being a TS. Many TSes, including myself, have had lots of the same feelings you have had. Before I started my transition, whenever I saw an attractive girl, I wished I could be her. I used to engage in masturbatory CDing (along with non-masturbatory CDing). However, not everyone who engages in this behavior is necessarily TS or TG either. Maybe it's just a very strong fetish. Maybe you're TS.
Please see a qualified gender specialist. Qualified as in how AllieSF defined qualified.
