Let's flip it.
What if my wife shops, spends, sleeps, drinks, gambles, and avoids work excessively? Any push back is considered my intolerance with her preferred lifestyle, so I should go to.....I mean be sent to.....therapy so I can learn to accept it, turning my intolerance into acceptance.
Let me guess.........that's different.
Ouch, Nicole! You described my first wife! When I pushed back, she demanded that I go to therapy. After a couple years, I decided that it was time to move on. A hard decision after 20 years. I have never looked back. BTW, I was totally in the closet, so CD was not an issue.
I dislike DADT. I think it originates in a lack of communication that I personally could not cope with in an intimate relationship.
BUT beware Pamela (and others). Beware you do not fall into the trap of patronising an SO. You do not know that couples circumstances. Maybe the CD individual is also very selfish and thinks of nothing other than him/herself when crossdressing. Maybe the SO is treated like something of an optional extra, a handbag if you like to complete the fantasy for the CD? Maybe the CD cannot express their feelings or needs without either getting angry or sulking (both situations have been described in relationships on these forums).
So, if you and your SO are in a DADT relationship, DONT tell them or ask them to go to therapy. You BOTH need therapy, together. DADT is a communication problem between two individuals, not one individuals problem to be "fixed" like a stuck door.
I agree wholeheartedly with this, but it is a tough nut to crack. A spouse who believes that CDing is deviant behavior will view any attempt to sway her view as trying to make her into a deviant as well, similar to an drug addict attempting to get their spouse hooked on drugs.Originally Posted by Kate T
I do know some married couples who are not TG who are also very disconnected from each other. They even go so far as to have separate vacations and won't be in communication for days! So, lack of communication isn't just a TG issue.
Quite often when SOs do make it as far as some support they still find it difficult to express their confusion, anger, emotional distress and bewilderment to another woman. If you go to a therapist you at least want to feel that you have a point of view or something to say and bewilderment and confusion prevent this.
The notion that the SO seeking therapy will change her mind is amusing. Does the OP not realise that a therapist could equally reinforce any misconceptions expressed, that the person needing the therapy would then become himself....
What has happened to those seeking counselling is that they get an expansive overview of the situation which then has to be reduced to what the cder sees as where he fits. So the SO gets a huge amount of information which goes well beyond that her partner wishes to dress and then they both have to work out what it means for them. This does not always reach a better situation than they had in the first place!
Now that it has become acceptable on here for a SO to say she does not wish at the present time to be accepting perhaps some cders might like to take a closer look at this. At support groups you have like-minded friends who are very supportive; it is not that you are alone.
As a footnote I would like to add that a better situation can arrive at the twinkling of an eye. It would appear to be a matter of circumstances and timing.
And to Adelaide, whatever it was your wife shouted at the therapist, at least it left you in no doubt as to her feelings on your problems. That gave you something to work with.
Pamela- you asked earlier in this thread for someone to make an argument for DADT. I don't think anyone is going to be able to produce an argument that DADT is the better way to go for a CDer. Perhaps though, it is a compromise of a difficult situation, often made in part by the CDer who did not reveal for many years, or was discovered after many years. The partner was deceived. They were not given the truth, or the information about their partner they should have had when making the decision to commit to a relationship.
If there is one thing that sometimes really bugs me with attitudes on here when it comes to wives and partners, is that they should just deal. A CDer lives a lie for years and years, finally comes out and then when their partner is having difficulties of having the dynamics of the marriage or relationship changed on them without any consent, the answer is to tell the partner to go to therapy to get fixed??
DADT isn't the best way for a CDer, not usually. Although there have been a few on here who have said they prefer their wife or GF not to be involved.... Sometimes, it is a workable solution given the circumstances. I do not have a true DADT arrangement with my wife, we do talk, but I like many, revealed after marriage. It didn't go over to well. Not just because there is a dynamic of me that she never knew (although that one is not easy for my wife by any means) but also the lack of trust as a consequence for the years of deception. The feelings of betrayal. My wife not knowing the man she married the way she thought she did. I did that. The problems are every bit mine as they are hers for the difficulties. I caused all of this with my deception. I take it upon myself to offer limitations I might not otherwise have with my dressing as a result of what I did. I owe my wife that. I do not dress in her presence. If I had told her from the beginning, and allow her to make a decision based on the whole truth rather than a deception, then I could give her the ultimatum of this is who I am, take it or leave it. If you are having problems with it, go to therapy because you are having problems dealing with it but don't want to leave me....
We are asking a lot from our partners when it comes to CDing. And not just to buck all of the society norms and expectations. We are also asking them to go against the grain of what they were literally born with. Partners of CDers literally have to be able to re write their own internal born genetic programming. Some are more capable of going opposite of society and to be able to deal with their own internal stuff than others. CDing is a very difficult thing for most people to deal with, especially partners of CDers.
Lastly, for those who may be somewhat new on here, maybe new to CDing itself, and the needs are not great.... say just a few hours of some dress up time every couple of weeks or maybe even less. Otherwise they are fine with their male identity, I think these people shouldn't be thinking or feeling like they need some grand acceptance from their partners. Life for the most part will not change much, so for these people, a DADT arrangement is hardly going to change much for them anyway. Why rock a boat that sails mostly in calm waters?? If a person finds their needs to be greater, that their identity is as much female or perhaps more, then perhaps getting past a DADT arrangement is probably in their best interest.
Chickens should be allowed to cross the road without having their motives questioned
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