Wife won't go to counseling

[ReineD]

Near the end of my marriage, as it was collapsing, I chose to take some personal development courses and attend one on one counseling sessions. She refused. I learned about myself, what I could control, what it would take to make me happy. It's not for everybody, but it worked for me. It was my experience that when I worked on myself, got myself healthy (mentally & physically), then everything else fell into place. I changed, the people around me didn't, but I was better equipped to deal with them after. It's something to consider.

^This.

Go by yourself. You will learn the difference between her boundaries and yours, and find ways to comfortably crossdress without involving your wife.


Dinky, welcome to the forum. I agree that Glenda needs to respect his wife's grief, support her fully in her time of bereavement, and not throw the CDing in her face. At the same time it is possible to find compromises that will not impact Glenda's wife.

[Teresa]

Dinky,
It's great to get a GGs view on this and I'm inclined to agree with you. As I said in my previous reply I can see the same situation arising with me if my sister in law passed on. My wife has a close relationship and her support, I'm sure my CDing would have to be rethought if it happened.

[heatherdress]

Based upon many spouses of crossdressers I have met and what I have read, I believe most women prefer their spouses to dress like men (due to physical attraction, fear of gender issues, upbringing, religious beliefs, family, children, reputation, etc). Those that accept usually due so out of love, understanding, trust, confidence. And most males probably want their wives to look and act like women.

Also, it is unfair and inappropriate to judge Glenda's wife to be abusive and controlling. No one knows her except Glenda. And the loss of a sister is most likely a source of deep sorrow and possibly depression.

[Laurana]

Laurana, you stated "because most women want to be married to a man, not a dude, who looks like a lady". The years I have been on this site I have saw your comment repeated over and over again and I still don't think it is accurate. Why ? Men can say we want our wives to look like ladies and not dudes, so you hide in a closet if you wear pants. They are all cloths,

Sorry Amy but clothes aren't clothes. Jeans and t-shirts are universal now adays and you can still look like a lady in them. Dresses, skirts, hose etc are not universal.

I'll say it again then ask you a question "because most women want to be married to a man, not a dude, who looks like a lady".

Now the question, Why would a man put his wife through such emotional misery just because he wants to look pretty?

[renae.lake]

I agree on the first point. I've seen the "it's just clothes" argument often, and yes, that's true in the material sense, but if there were not also social, cultural & personal meanings attached to a pink frilly dress vs a pair of khaki Dockers, CDing would probably not even be a "thing" and everyone would wear everything.

To the second point, I'd add the qualifier "... most heteronormative women ...". And I don't know that it is something innate and unchangeable as much as socially conditioned. But I agree that it is true on the face of it - most women are not looking for a crossdresser as their ideal mate.

On the final question, though - I think the Why is because the alternative is to (perhaps continue to) put oneself through emotional misery. I'm pretty sure that for all of the reasons people CD, CDing is about more than just "feeling pretty" - it is about real psychological wants and needs, and in some cases, having an outward gender that does not match what is on the inside. One can try to stuff those needs inside, but they are unlikely to go away, and more likely to come out in other, less desirable ways (resentment being just the start). I don't believe that anyone wants to put their SO through misery over CDing, and people have surely found ways to make it work with disapproving partners. From what I have read on this site in trying to figure out my own situation, I'm amazed by the range of arrangements people have made.

So, to the OP, I do think there is something to the loss of your wife's sister that makes this an especially difficult time, and that things will eventually get easier. Don't allow yourself to be made to feel selfish or uncaring as long as you are making an earnest effort to meet your wife somewhere in the middle. It sounds like you are, and I truly wish you the best.

Cheers,

Summer

[char GG]

I don't know why it's the "unaccepting" wives that need counseling. I get a little tired of hearing that comment.

It sounds to me like there was some sneaking going on and there may be an element of mistrust there. I don't want to pass judgement on anyone but there is only one side of the story here.

It sounds like your wife needs some attention and sympathy. She lost her sounding board. I don't agree with her methods but you might need to cut her some slack.

I have a new pair of high heel boots that I want to wear but it might not happen till spring time

.

Is this your biggest concern? Maybe lighten up a bit.

Also, Laurana's comment is pretty accurate. Women don't usually seek out CDers, they seek out men. When the find out about the CDing, they usually have to weigh the pros and cons. One of the biggest "cons" is deception, sneaking around, lying, and hiding things. Big turn off!!

[Dinky39]

It's the lies that gets me. So many lies over the last 10 years. It's been a year and a half now and it's still the first&last thing on my mind every day. I'm driven crazy with it because of the big white elephant in the room. It's affected my confidence and there's a massive trust issue.

[SIZE=1]- - - Updated - - -[/SIZE]

I agree whole heartedly with char GG.

[AllieSF]

Char and Dink, you both bring up good points. Thanks for the input. However, for the OP, the wife knew before getting married. In this current situation the wife suggested the counseling per the OP and now sounds like she doesn't want it. I agree, maybe some more time is needed before pushing for counseling. I cannot speak for others, but when I recommend counseling it is usually to have a third party intermediary, hopefully with the proper skill set and knowledge about the main problem at hand, CD in this case, who can help both parties better communicate, understand the main issues and hopefully be able to work through them over time. I think most recommendations here follow that train of thought. I do not believe that the wife is sick and needs help. Both need help. Yes, some may think that the non-CDing party may need more help, and that may be the case sometimes, but probably not always. However, there is probably a lot of work that needs to be done by both to figure it out and come to terms with it.

[Amy Lynn3]

AllieSF, thank you for getting my point. Other posters missed it, but your comments nailed it. They both need help in determining who needs to give to the other the most. We don't need a pile on of either party, because none of us know either party. It seems the majority here want to point a finger at the OP, but like Allie said....we have two sides to this issue that needs to be looked at by all.

[Dana44]

I think your wife is grieving. I would say. Sit down and listen to her. Let her talk just listen. Let her get it all out. It is probably the best thing you can do right now and it will give you answers and it may bring you closer to her. Which, she may respond by being stronger and accept you more. Make her a priority for a while. she needs it. Right now she is lashing out in fear and grief. As a man, the best thing you can do is listen to her. Let it flow out. She may just need to relive some happy times with her sister and may just need that someone who needs to listen to her and share that experience. Communication is the most important thing in a relationship.

[Sky]

AmyLynn, I don't think we missed it, it's just we disagree. The OP is the one driving the situation here. The wife does not have to accept it if she does not want to. If it was you who doesn't want something and somebody else tried to convince or force it on you, you wouldn't say you need help accepting it, right?

[Lorileah]

If it was you who doesn't want something and somebody else tried to convince or force it on you, you wouldn't say you need help accepting it, right?

And yet that is exactly what happens..just reverse it a bit. CDs WANT to dress and spouses force them not to...right? And we have had SOs force their TG spouses into counseling. Goose/Gander.

You can't force anyone (and you shouldn't in any marriage) to do things they don't like/want. In this case no you can't make the SO see a counselor. It would not work anyway (mental health people aren't there to make you think in any specific manner contrary to your feelings).

This is where compromise comes in.

[docrobbysherry]

Glenda, your post has obviously pushed a lot of folk's buttons! But, most seem to be projecting their experiences onto u and your SO. While none of us really know what's going on. Because we've heard so little from u and nothing from your wife! The result sounds like a lot of guessing games!

A marriage is supposed to be a partnership. Yours doesn't sound like one at the moment. I'd rather not guess why. But, I can tell u this, if u don't get help your marriage is in danger!

Find a good, experienced counselor and go see him/her ASAP. Hopefully, they will guide u in a positive direction and let u discover workable solutions for both your issues!

[Dinky39]

"Sister, you need to realize that you are as unique and wonderful as any of God's creatures, as deserving of love and respect as anyone"

Isn't Glenda's wife worthy of the same? Glenda brought the crossdressing to the table,yes before they were married and she accepted it but apart from Glenda's sister in law recent passing away,perhaps other goalposts were moved and his wife wasn't prepared for it (apart from his wife finding a secret stash of clothing.) That may not have been in the agreement-having them in the house. I imagine she is weary of lies and saw red.

[Katey888]

Glenda - I always have sympathy for any of us that go through these DADT skirmishes and I don't see this as being much different from most of the others that you've recorded in your seven year marriage...

I think you've pushed boundaries at times and it seems like your wife has become more accepting and then defaulted on her changed acceptance more than once - counselling would be useful, but no-one can force anyone to attempt the process... Refusing it does send a message, however...

If she doesn't want to go, she doesn't have to - you have to live with that.
If you continue to push boundaries, you have to live with the consequences.
If you can't live within the current ones you may have to try living outside of the relationship.

I'm left with a similar thought I've had in the past when you've posted:

"Repeating the same actions over and over again and expecting a different result is insanity..."

No relationship is without compromise - and everybody lies...

Katey x

[Kate Simmons]

Maybe it's time to bring the issue to a head once and for all. She needs to know this is an important part of you and take it from there. That depends on you though.

[TaraGrace]

Wow, this truely is the first post I've read on this forum in the last weeks that makes, what's the right word, ah yes, disappointed in quite a large number of you.

Perhaps some posters really should (re)read everything Dinky39 said.

[Eryn]

Glenda, perhaps it might be a good idea for you to get some counseling. If you wife doesn't want to go with you, fine, but that shouldn't stop you.