My life is a bloody mess

[MarinaSweden]

Dear all. I have been a member here since I think, last summer. I am 49 yrs.
By then, I was married, a marriage that was in trouble, but not to the point we were about to break up. I was depressed. I thought that my wife was so mean to me since a couple of years back. Especially every time we had had sex. For me that is the moment when I am the least mean. Meaning, I had such problems understanding why she was.
I have been a cross dresser since childhood. I told my wife this when we met. She didn't like it so I have tried to quit, but obviously failed so many times and hated myself for it. This I beleive have made me very vulnerable to criticism from her side. I think my low self asteam combined with here being so tough on me led me to my state of depression.

Anyway, I pushed her after being encouraged by my psychiatrist to start accepting this side of me, but that just made the conflict between us bigger. Finally in december we agreed to split up. I found a house and bought it. I moved out in february, but I still had hope that my wife would miss me when i was gone, as I missed her (and the kids) so very much. In march, I begged her to take me back. I was willing to do anything, stop crossdressing and much more. Just to get back in her life. I didn't get a straight answer then, so I kept on hoping. I hated being alone I truly hate it still. I still love her for some reason.
So the date came when we had a meeting with a family therapist. I had hoped that going there and talking about our problems could show us a way to get back together. But the day before, my wife finally gave me notice that we were never going to get back together. Ok, that was a tought one, but in a way, I felt releived. Why? Well I have always considered marriage being for life. For better or for worse was no joke to me. This was worse, I am sick with depression. We have had many years of better. Now she is the one ending it, not me. Sort of made me feel I was anyway not the one to break the promise we gave to each other back in 1992.

Now, if you have stayed with me this far, I am getting closer to the point.
Last friday, I came to the old house to pick up my daughter. She had a problem with her iphone. So i started working on it. I had to receive a mail to get instructions how to go about it. So, I opened the old laptop from my past. Opened hotmail. Didn't think so much about that I got in to it without entering email address or password. I was a bit stressed just by being there.
Then I saw a mail I hadn't noticed before. It was from a man named Kenneth. Ok, I have missed that one I thought and opened it to see what it was before I started working on the iphone.
Can you imagine my surprise when it was a mail to my wife (yes it was her mailbox I opened, she also have hotmail) where this man described the time they have had togehter since 2011. How it all started with him kissing her on her neck etc. and how many times they have made love. Ok so now I understand what she had been doing to friday evening she said she would go to see a movie with friends. AW, trips to their office in another town.

Now I was in a state of chock. So many emotions hit me. Everyting was blurry. I don't remember how I managed to get my daughter to school. I probalby shouldn't have taken the car but I was just mind blown. I confronted her in a SMS and told her I never wanted to see her or be in contact with her again.

The incredible thing is, after I understood she would never let me back in her life again, I started to see women in a way I had not done since 1989 (when we met). I never during the time we were together been interested in any other woman. Almost in desperation, I asked a woman out to dinner, a woman I liked but barely knew. We had decided to meet that very same friday when I found out my wifes unfaithfullness.
It turned out that we had a wonderful time. I liked her alot, and strangely enough, she liked me too. So we met again sunday for lunch. We met again wednesday for dinner and then yesterday and I am really in love. I can say that she is in love with me even though no one should trust my judgement after being decieved for such a long time.

So my emoutions are so mixed now. I don't love my wife after what se did to me (well ok, I do, but I understand I must stop that), but I am so sad over the fact that I got so humiliated, so deceived, by the one person in this world that wasn't supposed to treat me that way.
On the other hand, I am quite in love with this new woman and I can't wait to see her again. I am really scarred that the emotions I have now and the emotions she is showing won't last. In a way, she has brought self asteam baack to me and I do believe that someone can love me, but I hope she is the real deal.

She was at my house this saturday. She came to me around 2PM. I had been away mountainbiking with friends before that. She stayed till around 10PM when I drove her home. We went for walk in the beautiful surroundings where I live. We had dinner at a nice restaruant by the sea. I had hoped she would spend the night, but she thinks it is to soon. Which I guess it is. Anyway, we had a wonderful day together. Both of us had serious troubles calling it a day.

So why am I posting this? Well I need to just get it off my chest. Even though I have discussed this part with other freinds. But now the big question. Should I tell her about my crossdressing? Before she came to my house, I put away all my femaled clothes, shoes and wigs. And I have a lot now. I just can't stand the idea that she would't want to see me again. But on the other hand, I am totally incapable of deceiving someone I care so much about. God damn it how difficult this is.

[Di]

First off if the relationship is just payback because you were hurt that's not fair to the new woman.

But if you do find yourself in a relationship and when it starts to be serious you MUST tell her and explain it.... It's something you've done since young, you are the same person, you do not want to become a woman ect ect ect. And have them understand it.( have books, this site,info ready)
And most important
DO NOT SAY YOU WILL STOP
It is part of you and does not have to be a big deal.

[Mykaa]

Ok I see a lot of similarities hear that resonate with me, you cannot change who/what you are, that took me a long time to figure out, I spent the last 7 years being miserable because my ex was still at least somewhat controlling me, the best thing you can do is let go of these "bad feelings", I think some professional help would be in your best interest. Yes my ex cheated on me too, yes even though she "knew" about me for almost 1/2 the time we were together. You have to face up to you for starters. Its also not fair if your being with someone to "not be alone", so I think it would be best to start figuring some of these things out, dont you? I think if your new friend truly cares about you, she might just accept this part of you, there are no guarantee's with anything, thats life. I had a friend tell me 1 time, "theres only 1 person in your life you can control, thats you"
Marina I wish you the best of luck with this, I really do. Doing the right thing isnt always the easy thing either.

[Sarah Louise]

Hi Marina,

Sorry to hear about your marriage breaking up. Knowing your wife has cheated on you is a horrible thing. You don't deserve that - whether or not your dressing contributed to it. But it's great that you've met someone.

Should you tell your new GF about your dressing? In my view - definitely. Having to hide something that is a big part of you is not a nice thing and it's not fair on your new GF. I told by wife recently and it was such a weight off much chest. Of course, if you tell, there's a risk that your new GF will end the relationship.

As to whether you tell now or a little later is a very difficult one and I don't know the answer, even if there is a right one. Some will tell you that you should tell straight away. However, do you trust her enough not to tell others and then 'out' you? You barely know her. Others will say wait for a while until it's obvious that the relationship is committed. But is this fair on your GF? Telling early may mean it's more likely that she ends the relationship.

On balance, if it was me, I would wait until the relationship is more established. Yes, I know it's not fair on your GF, but the only reason I say this is based on my recent experience of coming out to my wife. I told my wife three months ago and fortunately she accepted my dressing. However, if I had told her at the beginning of our relationship, she believes that she would have ended it, even though we were really keen on eachother. This means we wouldn't have had a wonderful 20 year marriage with two amazing kids. She wouldn't have concluded that my dressing is not that big deal compared to our marriage and our love for eachother. For her, looking back, that would have been a mistake. (As it happens, I've only been dressing for the last 1.5 years after a break that stretches back to before we met so this is all hypothetical.)

No doubt, you'll get lots of opinions, but the most important one is it's your choice. You'll live with the consequences, good or bad.

Whatever you choose, I wish you luck. I hope it all works out well.

Sarah

[Mollyanne]

You have got some serious issues here not to mention the cross dressing. My suggestion to you is for you to see a therapist in order to resolve what is deep down inside you. I totally understand your feelings of betrayal and mistrust but this could spill over to your new relationship, which BTW should be taken slowly. Affairs of the heart are NEVER an easy road to walk especially considering your circumstances. When you see a therapist, honesty will help you make important decisions.

Your X-Dressing is a part of you that will probably NEVER go away. You could at some point "probe" your new love interest by asking her how she would react to anyone who could be a X-Dresser, this would guide you in either telling her or not.

Best of luck to you.

Molly

[MarinaSweden]

First off if the relationship is just payback because you were hurt that's not fair to the new woman.

I agree, but this is not the case. My meeting this new woman the same day I found out about my wife is purely coincidental. I made the decition to try to move on before that. It is in no way at all any payback and even though I do not want to be alone, I came to the conclusion after being that for a month or so, that since I anyway want to find someone to live my life with, why not start now? So I opened my eyes again towards women.

And - I have been seing several psychiatrics and therapists these last almost two years. I still think it is difficult to find out what is wrong. First i thought it was just the crossdressing that led me to a feeling of being less worth that anyone else. Now I feel that is only one of my reasons.

I beleive that I have to tell her. There are pathological liars, I think I am pathologically open. Almost all women say to me that they have never experienced this in a man, maybe it is the female part of me that makes me that? I know I will have such a difficult time hiding this part of my self.

[IamWren]

Marina, I am so very sorry to hear of the hurtful things that have happened during your long marriage. I have been cheated on and found out about it in a surprising way similarly to you. I an so sorry. I completely understand the hurt and pain that can come from being deceived, having your trust abused and mistreated from the one you trusted the most.

I think though that you need to slow things down with the new woman in your life. If I'm reading your post correctly it was just about a month to six weeks ago that you were still hopeful that you would get back together with your wife. And it has only been a week since you went on your first date with the new woman in your life.

Think about what that sounds like. If you read about one of sisters here saying she just got out of a tumultuous marriage of 24 yrs, had been separated for four months, had still been holding out hope to reconcile just four to six weeks ago and went on a first date a little more than a week ago and is saying love is in the air... what would your advice be.

Sweetie, cool the engines. Slow things down. Continue to talk to a therapist and wait to tell this new woman until a solid foundation for a relationship has been set.

Wishing you all the best,
Sayyidah

[ChristinaK]

Hi Marina,

I'm very sorry about your marriage. But, life goes on as you have discovered. Sometimes it gets much better than before.

Should you tell your girlfriend? I'm on my third wife and I'm sure that the last two would not have happened if I had told them before marriage. Once I did tell them, we negotiated a DADT relationship with some exceptions, like panties, etc.

Did I deceive them? No, I chose to hide that side of me, but did not lie to them. If you want to tell her, you may want to wait until you're fairly certain you won't scare her off.

In marriage, there are many negotiations that must be made. Quite often you find out your partners issues after marriage and you deal with them. Granted, CDing is a big one, but doesn't have to be depending on how much you're into it and how much you want her involved.

Good luck and I hope you the best. I haven't been to Sweden, but have been to Norway many times. If it's close to the same, you are lucky to live in such a fantastic place.

[Di]

I agree, but this is not the case. My meeting this new woman the same day I found out about my wife is purely coincidental.
Glad to hear that!
And - I have been seing several psychiatrics and therapists these last almost two years. I still think it is difficult to find out what is wrong. First i thought it was just the crossdressing that led me to a feeling of being less worth that anyone else. Now I feel that is only one of my reasons.
elf.

I hope you learn that cding is not wrong and glad you are starting to see its not a reason for you to feel less than.
So if you decide this new woman IS THE ONE and not someone so you do not want to be alone .... Explain it all to her.... Everyone should have someone to love all of them. And glad you are seeing someone so you can accept yourself... That is prob the first step. Best Wishes

[MarinaSweden]

I agree, it sounds a bit crazy. But I think rather than my new relationship, my wish to go back to my wife was the desperate attempt to not be alone. I have true feeelings for this new woman. I think she is beautiful, sexy, funny and it seems we like very much the same things. But obviously it will take a while before I and she can be sure.

aBoyNamedSue, can you please share your story with me? I really would like to know.

I think though that you need to slow things down with the new woman in your life. If I'm reading your post correctly it was just about a month to six weeks ago that you were still hopeful that you would get back together with your wife. And it has only been a week since you went on your first date with the new woman in your life.

Think about what that sounds like.
Sayyidah

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Marina , I did manage to make it all the way through your story, I didn't see the affair your wife was having coming.

Putting all your things away will not work, You need to be upfront with this new lady and if it doesn't work out then
that will be the best thing for both of you......

[Jaylyn]

Marina, I'm not certified to be giving any advice except thru my experiences and life itself. I'm thinking that any relationship needs to be built on trust, truth, and love. Maybe even in that order. I can give examples of that in my own life. I had put any thoughts off of ever dressing again when I met the woman of my dreams at 19 years old. We knew we were meant in Gods eyes to be together. Every part of our being was in love with each other. We both fell hard in love. True love and wanted to know every detail of each other's lives to the point of our meeting. At the time I was close to finishing college, and she was just in her second year. We were in love, in heat, and looking to a future together. We married after only knowing each other for one year. Not many secrets we had in our past had not been discussed. We enjoyed each other's company and knew we were what I call soul mates. She knew I loved watching her apply her makeup and she knew I enjoyed from time to time painted her nails and toes. We were in college together and paying our own way. My point is that I waited till we were in the right moment, right mind set of love and told her I enjoyed the feeling of smooth panties, hose and just adored how she looked in them. I told her that I used to wear moms and they turned me on. I just laid everything out. I assured her that it wasn't greater than my love for her though. I wanted her to know everything before we tied any knot that could not be undone, said any vows I would regret, and be united as one. This has worked for me, it might not work in every circumstance but I feel honesty is always the best policy. She in return knew that I had a fondness and enjoyed wearing women's things long before we were married. Our love for each other now knows no limits. We've been married 45 years. That's my example of what to do that worked for me. I don't let dressing consume me and let my love for her do that still today. I enjoy though my dressing time but don't take it to extremes. She does not want me to go out dressed, I agreed to that. I have a few things I don't want her to do also and she agreed to that. One is I love seeing her dressed in beautiful things and we have a regular date night we still go out and eat a dinner each week. I live thru her and she has become a very helpful partner in my desire for the smoother underdressing styles. She doesn't mind me in her makeup and we have even dressed together in matching outfits but I know my limits and we are happy as we both agree. There are things I wonder about and think I am missing but the one thing I am not missing is a faithful, beautiful wife, that loves me. Marriage is a litlle give and take. We all would be better off to realize that from the wife to the crossdresser. Didn't mean to write a book just showing you that real true love has to be unconditional with truth honesty and most of all still somewhat flexible. True love is not difficult, but can be trying from time to time.
I wish for you the best and hope that you find what you need in this new GG friend.

[MarinaSweden]

A beautiful story Jaylyn. Nothing is as fine as genuine love. I envy you.

I know I did love my wife before. Yes in the same way as you describe your love for your wife. I can tell you, withour limits. I would have died for her. Obviously she didn't have the same feelings for me and her being unfaithful killed off any love I had left for her. I know I don't love my new compagnion yet. I am IN love but to love someone, you have to know that person longer than this.

I have for a time now been able to fully dress every day. Yes it is wonderful, but I have come to the conclusion that finding a woman to love, who loves me, is more important. So, if I manage to stop crossdressing, is it to lie if I don't tell her what I used to do? Is it crazy to think that I have to choose between a woman and wearing womens clothes? And that I would be able to choose the woman?

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Hi Marina, good to read from you again, even though your news is tragic.

But is it tragic? Isn't it better that the truth is out in the open, because now you can understand so much better why your wife has been acting so hostile towards you?

And if not for the tragedy, you would not have met this new person and found the feeling of happiness again?

But to answer your question, should you tell her about the CDing? - you have already answered it yourself:

"I am totally incapable of deceiving someone I care so much about."

Yes, you risk losing her, but you risk far more in the long term by not telling her now.

I wish you the very best of luck with her reaction.

[Alice Torn]

You are ery vulnerable aat this time. It is NEVER WISE, to jump right into a new relationship, immediately! you need to be alone, for some time, a recovery period. Please, do not have sex, or get serious with this new woman right away! Just be platonic friends, for a while, then tell her of your CDing. Too many people think they have to be in a relationship, right away after a breakup! It takes courage, to walk alone! Depending on women too much is a weakness too many of us men have. I have learned that i do not need a sexual relationship, and i have learned to walk alone. Give it a year before seeking a serious relationship. That is what wise counselors have said. Jumping into bed with another women you hardly know is anothe mess.

[Dana44]

One thing I wanted to point out is that a real fast love is called the rebound love and those typically won't last and you will get hurt again. Alice is right, you need to walk alone and find yourself and possibly enjoy your crossdressing and really find yourself. Then find a new love.

[Tracii G]

You never mentioned if your divorce was final.
The new lady needs to know all about your CDing so get it out there,if she can't deal with it let her go.
Don't feel like you have to be in a relationship with a woman. I have guy friends that feel there is something wrong with them if they don't have a GF.
They tend to date endlessly and never seem happy.
My two ex wives cheated on me too so I know how bad that feeling is. You feel used, hurt,deceived all that stuff most of all an idiot for not seeing it as it was happening.
I think its wise not to jump into a rebound romance as Alice said.
Take some time for yourself and regain some sanity in your life.

[heatherdress]

Maria - I am very sorry about your pain and hardships. I experienced similar abuse from my first spouse and tolerated it for many years. But I assure you, there can be much joy and happiness ahead. The first steps are to heal from your past marriage - the abuse and the shock of learning abo[U]t your wife's infidelity. If you want your new relationship to have success, or any future relationship, you have to give yourself time to heal.

Focus on yourself. Examine your low self esteem and why you tolerated an abusive relationship. Get healthy yourself - mentally, physically, spiritually, emotionally. Get help. Get a medical check up. Maintain your physical fitness. Stay busy. Cultivate friendships - buddies. Do activities you enjoy. Focus on you - or you will have problems with any new relationship.

You may not want to hear this, but I also met someone immediately after leaving my ex-wife. I believed she was perfect but I did not realize I was not. I focused on pleasing her and trying to develop a new relationship. I was in love with the feelings and thoughts of being in love, but I was not emotionally able to develop a genuine, deep, healthy relationship. I needed time to heal. My new relationship was initially successful, passionate and fun - but only lasted a short period of time. I did get help from a therapist, made important changes in my life, became much more self-aware, and then found a woman who I have married and am very happy with. She loved me for me, not because I was lonely and available. She also, by the way, totally accepts crossdressing and wants me to be happy as fulfilled.

If you care for this new woman, take your time. Do not share your sadness and burden her. Focus on your strengths and have happy dates. Go slow. Do not rush into a serious commitment. Let her learn to know the real you, as you heal the real you. And do not tell her about your crossdressing until you are confident that she understands what a good person you are, all that you have to offer her in a relationship, and when you can answer her questions and provide assurances that she may need to insure she is more important than your dressing.

You can be very happy, Marina. Good luck.

[ClosetED]

Sorry to hear about your wife and glad you found someone new.
You wonder if you should tell the new woman about your crossdressing - Yes!
You should know by now the desire will never go away. You are seeing this woman but still dressing at home. Do not promise you will quit, but you can work with her to find a level that may work for both. As you are lonely, even if she can't tolerate a spouse who crossdressers, maybe she would tolerate a girlfriend to go to dinner and other outings who she gets along with. And from there, maybe tolerance will build. There are options to claiming to quit forever.
If she is accepting of the crossdressing you really win, but still take it slow. If she is willing, then let her set the pace.
Hugs, Ellen

[Jenny22]

Marina, take it slow and easy. Heatherdress gave some very sage advice worth your consideration.

[Leelou]

Marina, sorry about the marriage. I agree with those that have given cautionary advice about jumping into a rebound relationship. From what I can tell, the breakup of the marriage has been so recent that I'd doubt that the divorce has even been filed, let alone finalized. I'm surprised she's even willing to consider dating you since it's so recent.

I also agree that Heather gave some great advice.

Please understand that our caution is given in friendly support. Best wishes!

[Patrica Gil]

After thirty plus years of marriage she left me for someone else. I was away taking care of a parent who was ill and about to pass. Coming back from that I found she had met someone else and decided to leave me. I had lost everything during the fall of the economy so she took the easy way out which was to leave me.
Got thru the hurt ASAP then decided to move forward with life. Definitely made some changes and choices as well. Decided to come clean with anyone who wanted to get involved with me. Best decision ever. Some left skid marks while others only became better friends. Than one day someone actually didn’t run away. She stayed and took a chance on me. What did it mean?
It meant no more hiding, telling lies, or pretending to be someone that just isn’t me. Also meant a drawer full of panties that we both share. Dresses that do belong to me, and a frame of mind that is so normal to me. Like when you wear a dress you should wear nylons, and definitely heels that match my outfits. Shopping trips where you can actually say whether you like something or not. Like I’d wear that dress out dancing, and I have the shoes for it.
Sure getting passed it all took a little time, but it is not impossible. Time passed before meeting someone special and made a lot of friends. Oddly quite a few ladies love going shopping with me. Been told more than once how I am so much one of the girls. Take your time and learn to live again. First be happy with yourself before including another person. Besides you have a lot of shopping to catch up on.

[Rhonda Darling]

Marina. I offer a bit of practical advice. You need to assume that your ex-wife will attempt to sabotage you by telling anyone you're with about your crossdressing. You need to take the proverbial preemptive strike and let her know. Follow the abundant advice available here on how to tell her, but don't let your Ex have an upper hand.

Rhonda

[Lena]

Maybe I'm in the minority on this but I'm not sure you need to rush to tell the new interest about CD.

It's one of those things that you will have to reveal if the relationship goes that far but I don't think it's deceiving to be protective. Think of it like family. How long do you date someone before you have to introduce them to family? Not to be crude but another example comes to mind. You don't pass gas in the car on the first date but that doesn't mean you don't do it.... OK, bad example

But what I'm saying is revealing a shock too early could run her off. When she is just meeting, she's judging you and judging the relationship. It would be easier for her to walk when there's no strings but when there is a relationship, the issue becomes one of the pros and cons.

But what do I know.

[mechamoose]

Truth is truth. Desire is desire.

I don't care if you are het or gay, cross or tragically normal. All this sh!t comes down to truth and honesty.

I'm 52, on my second marriage. I'm not quite "normal". Cripes. You have the room to be yourself without someone else validating you. (I need to tell myself that frequently )

What you related sucks. I'm sorry. }

- MM