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Thread: Telling your SO - another perspective

  1. #1
    Lost in Heels AnnaMarie's Avatar
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    Telling your SO - another perspective

    I've crossdressed pretty much all of my life but then due to other things happening in my life I stopped. Then I met my wife and after a break of around 15 years give or take the need to dress started again. However, as I wasn't dressing when we met I didn't tell her (I guess a similar situation to others on here). Obviously the need to dress has increased and again like others the guilt of not telling your SO becomes quite overwhelming and in the end I did tell her. There were several reasons for this. Firstly as mentioned, the guilt. Second, the stash and the amount of clothing was increasing. Third, I've made friends with others and going out has become something I'd like to do more of. Fourth, pressure from those CD friends (not directly as they have been great and very supportive in any decision I've made) but pressure put on by me due to the changes my friends have made in their lives.
    So, I made the decision to tell my wife and possibly risk everything I have (and I adore my wife and family more than anything else in my life). To cut a long story short, this was done in a letter that I read out to her, telling her exactly what I did, what I wear, how I have been out with others and answering some of the obvious questions - no I'm not gay, no I don't want a sex change, etc etc.

    The initial conversation went well (in fact a little too well) and we even laughed and joked about a few things. However, after sleeping on it and in the cold light of day my wife is obviously not happy with the situation and doesn't want to talk about it (although she knows the option is always there to discuss if she likes). Thankfully it hasn't had an effect on our marriage and it's something that's just 'not talked about'. She doesn't want to see me dressed or talk about it still (four months on) and in fact she has indicated she probably would have been happy not knowing as she thought we had a 'normal' relationship. I do get to go out when personal commitments allow but I change away from the house and change before I get back. I don't do half measures. If I dress, I dress fully, makeup, the lot!

    So the reason for this tread. Two fold really.
    Firstly my wife said had she known about this when we met we probably wouldn't have ended up staying together. This although quite hurtful to hear at the time was completely understandable. Thankfully we are a solid couple and hope that anything that came in our way as a couple and family could be sorted out. It also means I made the right decision for my relationship by not mentioning it and anyone saying you've been misleading to her, it's been unfair etc etc, does NOT understand my relationship. You can't, your aren't me or my wife which leads me on to my second point.

    Point two. There is no right and wrong in when or even if you tell your SO. Anyone who is demonised for not being straight up front is just wrong. Having someone to talk to on a forum is all very well and good and we all have our own views. However, someone who is sat behind a computer on the other side of the world can't possibly know you, or your SO, or your relationship, so how can they possibly provide advice on how to do things? No two couples in a relationship are the same!

    Lastly, I owe a lot to the friends I've met on here as we now chat on a regular basis and meet up when we can. They aren't judgemental and are a great support in what ever decision I make!

  2. #2
    Stephanie58
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    I found your points most interesting as I had just posted (on another thread) that I was no longer convinced it was always wise to let your wife know your secret.

    As you say, there is no right and wrong way, and, I suspect for most of us who do finally tell our SO, the result is a definite feeling of unease in the relationship.

  3. #3
    Lost in Heels AnnaMarie's Avatar
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    Yes Stephanie, I read your reply. Interestingly at the time the only thing she was really upset about was the fact I didn't tell her, not that I'd been doing it behind her back as she could understand the reasons why.

  4. #4
    Martini Girl Katey888's Avatar
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    Nice one AnnaMarie!

    (Glad to hear you're still married and still going out even if the dread DADT appears again...)

    Those who know me know I haven't revealed and know I never will... My own peak of activity over 2014/15 seems to have subsided and now I find myself wondering if that feeling will rekindle - hard to say right now (I might be tempted for an autumnal outing - let's wait and see... ) as right now there's just no sign of the feeling returning. Imagine if you have a bad reveal, SO kicks you to the kerb and then the feeling goes away...?

    You're right that everyone has to make their own decision - but thank you for posting another non-reveal positive to help support those who decide not to come out... I'm sure it helps those of us who remain secretive feel much less demonic than usual...

    Katey x
    "Put some lipstick on - Perfume your neck and slip your high heels on
    Rinse and curl your hair - Loosen your hips, and get a dress to wear"
    Stefani Germanotta

  5. #5
    Lost in Heels AnnaMarie's Avatar
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    Thanks Katie, I do think there are two sides to everything and what is right for some isn't for others. Interesting that your peak of activity seems to have gone away. I'm up and down with my dressing all the time. I can go for weeks without wanting to dress then all of a sudden wake up one morning and bang, the feeling is back. No explanation for it. Saying that, this year has seen more dressing activity than ever. Of course when I don't want to dress I do wonder if the want and need will return. It always does!

  6. #6
    MIDI warrior princess Amy Fakley's Avatar
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    As a person who took the risk and told, after years of guilt and lying and hiding and all that, all I can say is damn right!

    I've witnessed (and been the recipient of) too may "tell tell tell" pile-ons on this forum. Telling is a double edged sword. It can be the best thing you ever did, or it can be the mistake that blows up your life for no good reason. To presume that some well meaning stranger on the internet can know enough about your life and circumstances to really tell you what the right thing to do is ... well ... it aint a good idea.

    All any of us can do here is share from the perspective of our own experiences.

    Speaking for myself ... there have for sure been ups and downs since telling. On balance the highs well outweigh the lows, and in a lot of ways it was the best thing I ever did. But on the other hand, it has complicated my life in ways that are pretty tough to deal with and sometimes it feels like a living hell ... still, living in the closet was also living in a different sort of hell.

    By the time I told, I was darn sure that regardless of the outcome, this was the only decision I could live with. Nobody else can get to that point for you, and nobody else has to live with the results but you and your family.

    If closet haters be hatin' pay them bitches no nevermind.
    They don't gotta walk in your heels, girl! :-)
    Last edited by Amy Fakley; 06-21-2016 at 10:56 AM.
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  7. #7
    Member Molly James's Avatar
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    Hi AnnaMarie,

    Firstly, well done for a really well written post on a subject that will forever be debated. My story is very very similar to yours except that I currently haven't ventured beyond the front (or hotel) door en femme but I can very much relate to the guilt / shame & feeling that my stash was at some point going to be unmanageable if trying to keep it hidden from my wife. When I got married, I hadn't dressed or even thought about it for over 20 years but then the urge returned a year after marriage like a runaway train that just couldn't be stopped. Rather like Amy has posted, I am relieved that I told my wife but it hasn't made life all that much easier although at least I was able to release the pressure that was building up inside of me. However, in no way would I say this is necessarily the right or indeed proper thing to do for everyone because we are all different. I took a chance because I felt we were strong enough as a couple to cope with it based upon how much we love each other - our love is still very very strong but I now feel very guilty that my wife has a secret she probably feels she cannot talk to anyone about except me & she doesn't want to talk to me about it because she hates the thought of me dressing & simply cannot understand why I would want to (I wish I could explain it to myself!). So, what works for one isn't always going to work for others & I'd hope that those who choose to bottle up their dressing are left to make their own decisions based upon their own unique circumstances rather than be demonised or directed by others.

    Molly.
    Just be who you wanna be - even if only for a few hours here & there!

  8. #8
    Senior Member Nikkilovesdresses's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by AnnaMarie View Post
    ...she thought we had a 'normal' relationship.

    ...someone on the other side of the world can't possibly know you, or your SO, or your relationship, so how can they possibly provide advice on how to do things? No two couples in a relationship are the same!
    What she thought of as normal, ie the relationship as she experienced it, hasn't changed. Only her perspective has changed. Everything you've experienced together - it's all fact, history, the past. Nothing can ever undo any of those experiences, any more than her suddenly telling you she has a twin. It's a new event, but it doesn't mean your history is somehow different, or less valid. If she told you she's started gambling and your kids' college fund is all gone, that would be a betrayal, but it still wouldn't invalidate all your years together.

    You're here to seek answers, as well as to hang out with like-minded folks, and surely it goes without saying that you're not going to agree automatically with everything you read? Like many, I believe in getting ahead of potential disaster, and with over 50 years of experience I'm inclined to be truthful, and so I made the decision to tell my wife about my crossdressing. We're still together, in a gentle kind of DADT way. I'd advise you in principle to be honest with your SO, but of course every case is different. My opinions are entirely valid, as are those of somebody advising you not to tell. But the decision is yours. I don't think anybody here would really pretend otherwise.
    I used to have a short attention spa

  9. #9
    Silver Member Tina_gm's Avatar
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    If a young CDer would ask my opinion on telling, I would always say yes. We better serve ourselves from telling. I mean, in the end, typically you get to dress MORE often than before, as now there is not the dreaded sneaking around. BUT- someone who has been married for decades, and they are not at some crossroads, feel they need to do more, be more, transition etc etc. At that point, I am not going to give the auto tell answer. Not that it is ever wrong to tell the truth, but, after that much time and life has gone on, does someone need to fix something that is essentially not really broken? The only thing is that the person who hasn't told after so long will still be under the same risks as they have always been. That is a choice they have been making for many many years.

    I agree, there isn't any specific right or wrong ways, although there are better or worse ways depending on the individual the CDer is with and what the CDer is looking for.

    Annamarie, congratulations, as you have found yourself in what I believe is the most common situation of a CDer who reveals after the relationship evolves into a lifetime commitment. A semi DADT. The wife loves us enough not to leave, but doesn't "like it" feel in any way comfortable with it most or all of the time. May likely have some insecurities about its direction in the future. She doesn't like to see her man in woman's clothing, or with make up and any other forms of feminine expression. They do tolerate it as they love us. May even do things for us. One day, she may feel a bit more comfortable, but not ever truly choose it. Or maybe not.

    Ask a certain question on here, (ever kissed a man) and you will get a lot of replies in the yes column. Enough to make you think you are in a serious minority if you haven't. Or of wives who participate, and you get enough replies that makes you think your wife is a non accepting immovable rock with it all. But then ask the reverse questions, (which you rarely see) and you will probably get even more replies in the yes column. So congrats on finding the most common situation we CDers find ourselves in. It is far better than before, even if it isn't exactly what we dream of, but we need to remember what it was like before the reveal.
    Chickens should be allowed to cross the road without having their motives questioned

  10. #10
    Lady By Choice Leslie Langford's Avatar
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    Some excellent points have been raised here, and not only is AnnaMarie's cri de coeur one that strikes close to home for many of us, I was particularly impressed by the responses and additional insights offered here so far by Amy, Molly, Nikki, and gendermutt.

    Those of you here who occasionally follow my posts already know that my wife and I have been in an uneasy DADT relationship over my crossdressing for 40 of our 45 years of married life so far. While her stance has softened somewhat over the last 10 years or so, it still continues to be a major elephant in the room which casts a continuous pall over our relationship, and there is no doubt that despite the fundamental love that we still feel for each other, part of the collateral damage has been a permanent loss of intimacy in certain respects. That, and the underlying resentment on both our parts that we are each living a lie in our own particular way because there are some things that we simply cannot discuss freely with each other because of all the negative feelings that evokes...something that other couples don't ever have to deal with as they can be totally open and honest with each other at all times.

    But there are also two other issues related to this subject that I haven't seen adequately addressed here yet, namely:

    (1) The age bracket (demographics) of the couples involved and the cultural/historical context surrounding the initial reveal;

    and

    (2) Not just the reveal, but also how it was presented and managed

    I'll provide my own spin (and experience) surrounding this aspect, and will let others chime in as they see fit. But first...full disclosure:

    I just turned 68 and will have been married for 45 years this coming autumn. We have 2 married adult children who know (but it is never discussed), along with 3 grandchildren. This makes my wife and I card-carrying "Boomers" who came of age during the "Mad Men" era along with all the baggage that entails - very rigidly defined gender roles and expectations, a societally-ingrained belief that homosexuality was a disgusting perversion, and as for crossdressers (or "transvestites" as we were called back then, with all of the negative, fetishistic connotations that label entails), well, the world saw us as being an even lower form of life than the aforesaid homosexuals. No wonder that we were so deep inside the closet that we probably wouldn't have confessed to our deep, dark secret even under torture, and why we would have withheld that information from our intended for fear of irrevocably blowing up our burgeoning relationships.

    Besides, like many of our era who were bumbling along without the benefit of today's internet and all the information to be found there now, we thought that we were the only ones in the world with these strange desires, that as a result we were disgusting people, but more importantly - many of us also thought that this was just a passing fancy and that marriage and a regular sex life would "cure" us - NOT! What I am driving a here is that I - and especially my wife - were products of our time in how we initially viewed this whole "crossdressing thing".

    I am happy to say that over the intervening years I have finally come to fully accept this part of myself, knowing now that it will never go away. More importantly, I have also come to embrace it as something that makes me highly unique in a good way (at least to me, anyway), and gives me a broader, more balanced perspective on the gender divide than is typical, and one that is beyond most "vanilla" peoples' comprehension.

    As for my wife, well, she is still stuck in a 1960's time warp, and has been so irretrievably socialized in terms of what she considers to be "normal" (and acceptable) male and female gender roles that no amount of exposure to the current media love affair with all things transgender-related including Caitlyn Jenner, Laverne Cox, Janet Mock and all of the awards and accolades that they have had bestowed upon them lately will make even the lightest dent in her perception of this whole crossdressing/transgender thing. That, and notwithstanding the growing trend to not only normalize but actually embrace it as part of the overall "celebrating diversity" umbrella that is all the rage these days. And so, DADT it is, and DADT it will stay albeit with a less acrimonious flavor attached to it nowadays.

    As for Item (2), well, in my case I put out some feelers to my wife early on in our marriage (and before the children came along) about maybe trying on a few of her clothes some time "just for the fun of it". Needless to say, that idea immediately fell with a dull thud. Then some time later, she accidentally came across a pair of heels in my size that I foolishly thought were well-hidden, and the excrement duly hit the ventilator.

    But the BIG reveal - when it finally did happen was both unexpected and traumatic, and occurred while our first-born was still a toddler. I was in our basement trying out a new pair of heels that I had just purchased when out of the blue my wife appeared at the foot of the stairs, only to promptly faint and collapse on the floor when she saw me. And at that moment - as if I needed any further convincing - it became crystal clear to me that having an accepting wife with regards to my crossdressing was simply not in the cards for me...not now, not ever.

    I and others in my age bracket can only envy the younger gurls here who - along with their spouses and/or SO's - came of age in more enlightened, internet-enabled, and LGBT-friendly times where rigid gender roles were becoming increasingly blurry. At least you have a fighting chance that your better halves will not be as totally grossed out by a crossdressing partner as the women of our generation tend to be, even if other aspects of a planned reveal are still fraught with a degree of uncertainty as to the ultimate outcome.

  11. #11
    Gold Member Sometimes Steffi's Avatar
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    Leslie: All I can say is, "Here, here" (as in the toast).

    You've saved me from writing a very long post. BTW, I'm 63 and my wife is 67. I also got caught, but I managed to hide it a lot longer than you did.

    I made a decision to live my life and accept the consequences. I go out fully dressed a couple time a month and I have way more T friends than cis friends.
    Hi, I'm Steffi and I'm a crossdresser... And I accept and celebrate both sides of me. Or, maybe I'm gender fluid.

  12. #12
    I am me! TrishaTX's Avatar
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    well said...circumstance does get in the way...I am a proponent of telling but we all have a different path
    No regrets except I should have got dressed & stepped out sooner.

  13. #13
    Member Shayna's Avatar
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    Anna Marie, you're not alone. In my case my wife found my clothes, but when we first got together it was at a point where the need to CD was as strong.When we first talked she said the hardest part was that I kept it a secret, but as time went on she expressed she wish she had need mentioned finding the clothes. Our marriage is still strong, but it does bother her so we never bring it up. One sign of progress, during a recent argument she started to bring up that it bothers her, and cut herself off saying "I don't want to make this about that." It showed me she wouldn't blame everything on cross dressing.

    While the marriage is still strong, I'm guessing had she known this about me before she probably would not have wanted to be involved in the relationship. While I am the same person, I can see it as completely valid that this changes her perception of who I am. I'm in my early fifties and she's in her mid forties. I hope younger generations don't have the same problem as CD/TG/TS etc., is a lot more out in the open now and less of a taboo subject.

    Thank you for this thread.

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    The only person I've ever told about who I really am is my current SO.
    She has been and still is totally accepting so I'm a lucky girl .....ain't I?
    What she has said which has made me think very deeply about many things related to my dressing, is that she finds my femme alter-ego, christina, a far nicer person to be with than my male everyday self.
    I suspect this may have to do with the reality of having to hide my femme side from the world makes me a more frustrated and therefore angrier person to deal with.
    Does telling alleviate the frustration, guilt and anger?...does dancing out of the closet trip the light fantastic in the brain and wave a magic wand to put all to rights?
    I doubt it , but in my case, I love Jax more each and every day for accepting for who I truly am, for encouraging me to dress whenever I want,
    ( whether chilling in a sloppy Joe top and jeans or 5" heels, makeup, hair and heels tart)....did I do the right thing in telling her...?
    "hell YES!"
    But hey I'm not you and you ain't me....chacun a son gout.
    One does what feels right....I just got lucky xx

  15. #15
    Silver Member Sarah Louise's Avatar
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    Hi Anna, you and those who have responded make a lot of good points.

    I have a genuine question for you. Do you regret telling her? For me, what really triggered my need to come clean with my wife was the thought of living a lie for the rest of my life. Before my big reveal, I would have accepted the situation you are in as better then continuing to live the lie. Do you feel the same? Is DADT better then hiding?

    Another thing. While your wife may feel that if she had known sooner, she may not have stayed with you, I bet she doesn't regret it, particularly as she wouldn't have had the children she does now. Hers and your children wouldn't exist without you! I don't think many women (probably none) would give up their children for another set of hypothetical children that didn't have a father who crossed-dressed.
    Last edited by Sarah Louise; 06-22-2016 at 06:08 PM.

  16. #16
    Member SharonDenise's Avatar
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    I came out to my wife while we were dating. Fortunately, she accepted and supported my activity for the 40 years that we were married. Sadly. she passed two years ago. It had been a secret between the two of us, but since her death I've become more open to others about crossdressing. I've started to do a little dating again and have made it a point of letting my lady friends know after four or five dates about my crossdressing. It didn't hurt the relationship.

  17. #17
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    I didn't tell her of my desire to crossdress when we were first married. Maybe I should have owned up to it before we were wed. I feared the worst since she was very religiously conservative. When she discovered my need to dress, the reaction was one of disgust. After many discussions about my needs, she finally relented to allow me free time to dress in private, as long as she didn't see me dressed. I have been careful to honor her wishes for the past 40 some years.

  18. #18
    Lost in Heels AnnaMarie's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by sarah7391 View Post
    Hi Anna, you and those who have responded make a lot of good points.

    I have a genuine question for you. Do you regret telling her? For me, what really triggered my need to come clean with my wife was the thought of living a lie for the rest of my life. Before my big reveal, I would have accepted the situation you are in as better then continuing to live the lie. Do you feel the same? Is DADT better then hiding?

    Another thing. While your wife may feel that if she had known sooner, she may not have stayed with you, I bet she doesn't regret it, particularly as she wouldn't have had the children she does now. Hers and your children wouldn't exist without you! I don't think many women (probably none) would give up their children for another set of hypothetical children that didn't have a father who crossed-dressed.
    Do I regret telling her?
    Yes and no I guess. Yes, because the first several weeks were hard not just for my wife but for me also (and yes I know that's selfish). Yes because when I get a dressing 'low' I always think why did I need to say anything (the lows are few and far between though). Yes because I know her perception of me has probably changed and I don't like that. No because if I didn't I wouldn't be able to go out, I'd feel guilty every time I dressed and no because she's my wife, I love her without question and she has a right to know.

    I guess also that you are partly (if indirectly) to thank for me feeling pressured in to telling her. When you mentioned you had told your wife I did feel a huge amount of pressure to do the same.

    Overall though, yes, I'm glad I've told her!

  19. #19
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    Quote Originally Posted by AnnaMarie View Post
    ...because she's my wife, I love her without question and she has a right to know...
    So much commentary on how everyone's situation is different but AnnaMarie, you seem to have distilled the essence of commonality.

  20. #20
    Senior Member Jenny Doolittle's Avatar
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    Anna Marie,


    I agree 100%. I see so much in my own situation in your post, right down to the reply your wife and mine have said. I will say that it had been 10 years now since I told my wife, and things have gotten better, not totally allowing jenny time all the time..but better.

    I wish the best for you and your wife, I am sure like us, with love in your relationship you will be fine!

  21. #21
    Lost in Heels AnnaMarie's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jenniferathome View Post
    So much commentary on how everyone's situation is different but AnnaMarie, you seem to have distilled the essence of commonality.
    True Jennifer. I think we all agree our SO's have the right to know, that's what marriage is about. Still there are many varied reasons why we don't tell and the essence of my original post still holds just as true, that although they may have the rights to know, it may not be the right thing to do for many reasons and each individual situation and relationship is unique.

  22. #22
    GG ReineD's Avatar
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    At least your wife knows, and should something horrible happen to you while you are out and your wife finds herself collecting you from a hospital emergency room, she won’t be catching you outright in a lie and she won’t be taken completely by surprise. I’m not debating the merits/pitfalls of a DADT situation, just saying that at least DADT is not outright lying. Still, I have a few thoughts on your post:

    Quote Originally Posted by AnnaMarie View Post
    She doesn't want to see me dressed or talk about it still (four months on) and in fact she has indicated she probably would have been happy not knowing as she thought we had a 'normal' relationship.
    Although I fully respect any understanding established between you and your wife, I do find the above a bit troubling.

    All types of issues, problems, and differences of opinion crop up during the course of any marriage and it seems to me that each partner deserves to be respected enough to be heard if the issue is important to the partner. This doesn’t mean that the other partner will automatically agree or be involved in something against their will, but if a dissenting partner knows that something is troubling or important to the other partner, to just say "I don’t want to hear about it or talk about it" seems rather one-sided. If your wife wanted to do something that you disapprove of, would you bury your head in the sand too and just leave her on her own to sort it out, or would you attempt to learn where this was coming from and why your wife felt that way. Would you try to ascertain how important or necessary this was to your wife and if you discovered that it was (and she wasn’t breaking the law), would you take some time to discuss the matter with her, try to understand and learn, spend some time ascertaining why you were against the idea, weigh the issue, and finally let her know what you were able to live with and what was a deal breaker.

    Quote Originally Posted by AnnaMarie View Post
    Firstly my wife said had she known about this when we met we probably wouldn't have ended up staying together. This although quite hurtful to hear at the time was completely understandable.
    Well, hindsight does not always accurately reflect the actual decisions we would have made, given the circumstances at the time. Right now, your wife feels lied to (assuming that you’ve been married for a number of years). But, a GG who is head over heels in new love and about to be married, is often times more open-minded than a wife who discovers after many years that her husband willingly withheld information from her and he is not who she thought he was.

    Quote Originally Posted by AnnaMarie View Post
    I do get to go out when personal commitments allow but I change away from the house and change before I get back. I don't do half measures. If I dress, I dress fully, makeup, the lot!
    Maybe just dressing occasionally is enough for you and this is why you are satisfied with the current status quo. If so, the arrangement you have with your wife is fine. She knows and nothing you do will come as a complete surprise. She will never find out something that you were completely unwilling to tell her about.

    Still, would you be happy dressing fully to go out when circumstances permit without having told her, wondering how she would react should she find out by mistake. How would this act on your conscience. She knows now and so it’s easy to say that telling her wasn’t well advised.

    Also, how would you feel if your need to crossdress was more advanced than it is now and you actually needed to dress a few times or more per week. Would you be able to not tell. Would you be happy with telling your wife you were working (several times per week … not once in a blue moon), if you were instead sneaking out to go shopping, dine in restaurants, seeing shows, spending time with your CD friends, going to clubs or support groups, etc. Would you be able to construct fake business trips in order to attend TG conventions. How would you hide shaved legs, trimmed eyebrows, a growing wardrobe, makeup, jewelry, etc. How would you hide all these purchases from your shared finances.

    The people who do end up telling their wives, do so because it bothers them to keep this a complete secret and because it becomes necessary to tell.
    Last edited by ReineD; 06-23-2016 at 12:10 PM.
    Reine

  23. #23
    Silver Member Sarah Louise's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by AnnaMarie View Post
    I guess also that you are partly (if indirectly) to thank for me feeling pressured in to telling her. When you mentioned you had told your wife I did feel a huge amount of pressure to do the same.

    Overall though, yes, I'm glad I've told her!
    Well that's a relief then! I would hate to have influenced you (albeit indirectly) to tell, for you then to regret it. This is why I always caveat my comments when I respond to a 'should I tell or not thread'.

    Yours and my experiences and the different reaction of of our wives, just go to show that no two situations are the same. In many ways we were so similar except perhaps in one. While we were both scared rigid at telling, there was one major difference. When we first discussed this, you said you thought your wife couldn't accept your dressing whereas I thought that it was most likely that my wife would ultimately accept this part of me. Maybe those who are struggling whether or not to tell should trust there gut feel rather than looking for the answer on this forum.

    (Usual caveat to those thinking of telling: Only you know what's best for you. Once told, you can't undo it - unless you're married to the girl in 50 First Dates.)

  24. #24
    AKA Lexi sometimes_miss's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by gendermutt View Post
    If a young CDer would ask my opinion on telling, I would always say yes. We better serve ourselves from telling. I mean, in the end, typically you get to dress MORE often than before, as now there is not the dreaded sneaking around.
    Well, that part is generally true. I certainly did get to dress a whole lot more after the divorce!
    But again, it came down to telling all about it, or hoping for some semblence of a normal life. It's pretty clear that there are not a whole lot of women out there hoping to find a crossdresser for a husband.

    Quote Originally Posted by sarah7391 View Post
    Maybe those who are struggling whether or not to tell should trust there gut feel rather than looking for the answer on this forum.
    The problem is that our gut can be just as stuck in the pink fog as the rest of us. I, too, was so sure that everything would work out fine, that the crossdressing was way overcome by all the good things that I was. But I couldn't have been more wrong. So much for a gut feeling.
    Quote Originally Posted by sarah7391 View Post
    Another thing. While your wife may feel that if she had known sooner, she may not have stayed with you, I bet she doesn't regret it, particularly as she wouldn't have had the children she does now. Hers and your children wouldn't exist without you! I don't think many women (probably none) would give up their children for another set of hypothetical children that didn't have a father who crossed-dressed.
    It has been said that hindsight is 20/20 vision. That said, it's impossible to predict the future; there are so many variables. While she perhaps wouldn't give up the children and life that she already has, there are plenty of other women who didn't wind up with those assets who would look back and gladly change how their life might have gone without a crossdressing husband.
    Last edited by sometimes_miss; 06-24-2016 at 07:25 AM.
    Some causes of crossdressing you've probably never even considered: My TG biography at:http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...=1#post1490560
    There's an addendum at post # 82 on that thread, too. It's about a ten minute read.
    Why don't we understand our desire to dress, behave and feel like a girl? Because from childhood, boys are told that the worst possible thing we can be, is a sissy. This feeling is so ingrained into our psyche, that we will suppress any thoughts that connect us to being or wanting to be feminine, even to the point of creating separate personalities to assign those female feelings into.

  25. #25
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    Great replies and the OP is on point for sure.
    Before I got married I was in denial of the dressing and really didn't do it much while we dated for nearly 3 years. I did not have any understanding about it, no internet to search for info...I was in love.
    Since I have figured a lot out about my need to dress through many hours of therapy to get a grasp but not to be cured.
    So over the years she has found several clear hints of something going on, a stray clip earring in my car, some left over remnant of eyeliner,many years ago this forum in my computer history repeatedly...Through these discoveries she has asked no questions, just shown me her discoveries. I feel that if she wanted details she would ask. My want to no longer hide needs to be tempered by the possible or likely outcome of taking that path. We have children which need to be considered...Once it is said there is no turning back!
    In Psychology Today mag years ago there was an article about spouses finding out secrets their mates had and the burden of them sharing these had on them. 2 were used, a husband being gay and a husband who had embezzled money. The wives said the worse part was the feeling that they now needed to keep and carry those secret too by no choice of their own.
    I have never spoke of this to anyone who knows me and I would think my wife would feel the same about not being able to even run this by others for how she should deal with this. If i essentially make this her problem too she has to decide, be a party to it, look the other way but now clearly knowing of it or walk away. Not many good choices there.
    My choice is to keep the burden to where it may be at and carry on. This is my tale from my view, put out for others to gain what they may. I have no need for a reply.

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