Hi Becky,

Great question. The feminine in me, until about 4 years ago (67 yrs old) was considered a demon. She made me feel and do things that males should not feel or do. The fact is, she appeared in my identity when I about 6 or 7, I got caught playing with my mother's clothes. I was lectured that "I was a boy and I couldn't be a girl" as a response to my blunt statement that I did not want to be a boy anymore and wanted to be a girl. In 1953 that was not a bad response; today we know that is exactly the wrong response to signs of gender reversal.

In the last 4 years, she has become more and more dominant. On Aug 8, 2012 at about 2:30 PM I read an article in the New York Times about how to deal with young boys who want to wear dresses. I saw myself as a confused and scared boy and everything that followed. It all suddenly made sense. The flood gates opened and in a few hours I sank into something I had never felt before - the despair of having lived a life that was, at times, directed toward killing the girl in me. Now I was forced to accept her. Denial was killing me.

Over about 6 months of incredible turmoil that aspect of my life finally made sense. I accepted her influence and have never looked back. That said, Gretchen is more an internal entity that is key to who I am today. Totally different from the way I was 5 years ago. A great influence and always there playing a big part in decisions and behaviors involving gender traits and characteristics and the behaviors resulting from "doing" those traits and characteristics. But she is blended with the masculine and the two now operate as a collaboration that does so much very differently than in the past. The distinctions between the masculine and the feminine are fading as they become functionally one. The dressing is not an important part of the totality, but, like you, I love to walk through the women's department in stores, slowly I might add, and looking at all the beautiful clothes that would never fit me. I still immensely enjoy dressing, but the clothes do not define the identity. The expression of that identity in clothing is not that important. Being that person and doing the gender identity, as mixed as it is, becomes critical. It influences everything and is a core element in who I am in terms of behavior. It has made me a vastly different person. But I am also masculine and can switch back an forth or implement intermediate blends with ease and comfort as the situation requires. It has been so enriching and I would rather die than go back to the old days.

Gretchen