Dear Soapstar411,

As you're probably concluding, your question has many answers, and it has no answers. That's the nature of the crossdressing animal.

Since you appear ready to accept your husband's "hobby" at some level, I would suggest that you attempt to establish some ground rules that represent a common ground on which you can both have some degree of comfort. Given his reluctance to open up, it won't be easy, and you'll have to take the initiative. Let me share my own experience, just to give you an idea of the kinds of things you might use as points of agreement. After many years of grappling with the issue, here is where my wife and I currently stand:

1. Under no circumstances does she want to see me fully dressed. I am very comfortable with this, because I would find it humiliating to do so.

2. Under no circumstances will I ever leave the house "dressed". I also have no problem with this, because I could never "pass" convincingly.

3. After the umpteenth time that she accidentally found my hidden stash of feminine stuff, she asked me simply to mix my things in with her things. Her concern was that if anything happened to us, she didn't want our kids to find hidden clothes that weren't hers. I found this to be very liberating, because it relieved me of the guilt of hiding things from her.

4. Because I have always found crossdressing to be a very erotic experience (not every CD does), she allows me to wear a few items in bed (for sex, but not for sleeping). Originally this was limited to panties and occasionally stockings. But recently I asked permission to wear a silky nightgown, and she agreed. If this sounds completely at odds with guideline number one, all I can say is, when you enter this domain, you check reason and logic at the door.

I'm not suggesting these are the right guidelines for you or anyone else. But if you can arrive at something comparable for you own situation, I think you'll find it will greatly help you both.