I am new and have questions

[Staci Roberts]

All very good points. Same story here...been wearing clothing since I was a kid and "graduated" full dressing years ago. While I fully agree it is great, it was beginning to take over my life. I was finding time to dress and doing so sometimes two or three times a week, constantly upping the ante by going out, first at night, then during the day etc. I honestly had (and have) to reel it back in as the dressing has been described to me as a behavioral disfunction aka behavioral addiction. Once the behavior controls "you"...well I am sure a lot off you know the rest...So, after a major purge, (holy crap I had a lot of clothes and shoes!!) I have not dressed in a few months. Do I miss it? Sure.
What does the future hold? I have no idea, I just know in my case, I have lost control of the behavior and have taken this time to realign my wants and needs.

[ginapoodle]

I don't have much more to add, there are many superb answers to your question here. I will say that after a lifetime of hiding my gender, shame, guilt, spiritual confusion, and dressing issues, it was unbelievably difficult opening up to my wife the first time. Literally, I became physically ill from the stress, and fear she would explode, or leave me. Counseling did help.

My advice: be patient, yet keep opening prompts for discussion. Again: be patient, loving and listen-listen-listen. Clarify as needed. I think most CDs or those with gender dysphoria do not know the origins, only that is who they are deep down. Beware a tendency to open a dialog, then drift into silence again.

Blessings on your journey.

[Rachel05]

I started to crossdress when I was 8yo, my life was troubled at the time, was that the reason?? I am not sure, but it felt like something I wanted and maybe needed to do and that was it, from that day forth, I have crossdressed and I am now 50years on from that first time. I went thorough various stages of disgust and shame in my teens, tried to make it a sexual thing and it definitely wasn't, but teen years are hard enough

I got married and had kids, my wife never knew, my mother did as she had found items of clothing, she was supportive in her way and lived well and truly in the closet

My wife used to hate when any crossdressers were on television, drag acts were a no no, so I am hardly going to confide in her, when she did eventually find out she was anything but supportive and only thought the obvious that I was gay and wanted to be a woman

I am not and never have been gay and I really don't want to be a woman full time, but I do love my time dressed, it makes me feel amazing and relaxed and I am absolutely at peace with who I am, I am a man that loves to crossdress

I don't harm anyone and I don't do anything illegal, I just like nice underwear, dresses and I love heels

If I'd had the opportunity to share with my wife in a supportive way then it would have been amazing not to have to keep the secret but imagine this, I had b been doing this alone for probably 45 years when she eventually found out, of course it is going to take some time to share, had my wife been supportive I would have slowly shared why I love to feel girly and look nice

I am happy to call myself a crossdresser and my new partner is very supportive but she has never seen me dressed fully, we are working that way and I love the fact I don't have to keep that secret from her, it means I don't have to hide my things and I can share my thoughts with her

That is the brief version and there are many like me, one of the great things of being a member of this forum, we are not alone

[sherri]

Soapstar, there's sooooo much to say on the subject but it would be mostly conjecture cuz there's not enough info to work with -- not your fault, or his necessarily, but it's gonna be hard to understand if y'all don't find a way to bridge the gap of communication. A lot depends on what is the driving force behind his dressing -- is it just a sexual thing or is it expression of identity? Etc etc etc. But I will make one observation: I didn't come to dressing til after divorce, but I have often imagined how difficult it might be to fess up to a spouse, or even a female friend, and I have to admit that as superficial as it might be, one big hurdle for me would be in wondering how she would see me as well as perceive me.

What I mean is, if you browse the picture gallery section you will quickly see that some of us make very attractive and convincing gurls, some of us look like linebackers in a skirt, some of us are pretty, some of us are not, some of us have good fashion sense and some don't, some are good at makeup and some aren't, etc. Most of us fall somewhere in the middle. My own motives run the gamut -- it's very much an expression of my identity, it's an expression of sexuality, it's how I long to interact with others and so forth -- and I am fully aware that while I could never be genuinely pretty or passable, I don't look like a wrestler in heels either.

So it would be enormously important to me that a GG friend or SO get the identity thing sooner or later, of course, but my first fear and question would be, do I look ridiculous or even gross to her, or can she see me for who I am and appreciate the effort I've made to appear as genuinely fem as I feel? Superficial or not, my anxiety would be pretty high on that count, and it would be hard for me to interact as Sherri on any other level until I knew the answer to that question. Fwiw.

Having said that, I would like to address how you came to find out about his dressing. You say he is shy and easily embarrassed, that it's hard for him to open up, and yet he is willing to expose himself to detection by neighbors. Understanding why might give you a clue to what's going. Three possibilities occur to me right off the bat:

• This is a sexual/exhibition kink and he gets a thrill from exposing his secret.
• He simply wishes to experience everyday activities as a gurl, some of which might include outdoor stuff.
• He longs for someone to see, to know, to interact, and this is his first baby step, however ill-advised.

Don't know if this helps, just thinking out loud. :-)

[Stacy Darling]

There is no answer Soapy,

I'm an open Guineapig and so will say that if you try to get into the mind of another, you are asking for trouble!

Understanding us is near impossible, if you are hard core call me!

Stacy!

[MysteryWoman]

Dear Soapstar411,

As you're probably concluding, your question has many answers, and it has no answers. That's the nature of the crossdressing animal.

Since you appear ready to accept your husband's "hobby" at some level, I would suggest that you attempt to establish some ground rules that represent a common ground on which you can both have some degree of comfort. Given his reluctance to open up, it won't be easy, and you'll have to take the initiative. Let me share my own experience, just to give you an idea of the kinds of things you might use as points of agreement. After many years of grappling with the issue, here is where my wife and I currently stand:

1. Under no circumstances does she want to see me fully dressed. I am very comfortable with this, because I would find it humiliating to do so.

2. Under no circumstances will I ever leave the house "dressed". I also have no problem with this, because I could never "pass" convincingly.

3. After the umpteenth time that she accidentally found my hidden stash of feminine stuff, she asked me simply to mix my things in with her things. Her concern was that if anything happened to us, she didn't want our kids to find hidden clothes that weren't hers. I found this to be very liberating, because it relieved me of the guilt of hiding things from her.

4. Because I have always found crossdressing to be a very erotic experience (not every CD does), she allows me to wear a few items in bed (for sex, but not for sleeping). Originally this was limited to panties and occasionally stockings. But recently I asked permission to wear a silky nightgown, and she agreed. If this sounds completely at odds with guideline number one, all I can say is, when you enter this domain, you check reason and logic at the door.

I'm not suggesting these are the right guidelines for you or anyone else. But if you can arrive at something comparable for you own situation, I think you'll find it will greatly help you both.

[kimdl93]

You've gotten lots of advice. Its all based on individual experiences and so, may or may not apply in your case. I'd like to offer just a tiny bit more.

Right now, your husband is unable to talk about it. Since he's been hiding this part for the vast majority of his life, and has, like many of us been indoctrinated with the belief that it's inappropriate behavior, he's probably feeling very ashamed. Id focus not so much on offering reassurance. At the same time, as noted elsewhere, it will help him if you begin and grow within some kind of boundaries...and you let him know, gently or firmly, if he's allowing exuberance to overtake judgement.

[Jenny22]

Welcome to our world and to your world of concern and confusion. The next time you two hug and kiss, tell him how much you love him and how much he means to you. At some point thereafter, tell him again, but this time include however he wishes to present himself to you. As others have said, talking is the key. Don't push yourself on to him. But, you can achieve positive responses with gentle nudging and possibly by prefacing a gentle question with, "honey, ......". I wish the best for the two of you.

[docrobbysherry]

We don't have the answers for u, Soapstar. Sometimes we're still working out what and why we do it ourselves!

Your SO has the answers. U simply need to ask the rite questions! And, those we have here aplenty!

Good luck. I hope u 2 can work this out!

[Lana Mae]

You sound like a very lovely and loving lady! As has been said, only he may know and then again he may not know why! He is shy and you may know what to do or say to draw him out! I believe in therapy but I think it is a little early for that right now! Try to keep this between the two of you for now! Be sure to keep him as comfortable as possible to help him open up! I don't know what else to tell you! I have only actually have been fully dressing for 2 years as my wife did not accept at all and was happily married for 34+ years without dressing and when she passed away a flood door opened! Best wishes that he opens up soon! This forum is fantastic for gaining knowledge and learning from others experiences! Hugs Lana Mae

[sherri]

... I would suggest that you attempt to establish some ground rules that represent a common ground on which you can both have some degree of comfort ...

1. Under no circumstances does she want to see me fully dressed. I am very comfortable with this, because I would find it humiliating to do so.

2. Under no circumstances will I ever leave the house "dressed" ...

Please please don't take this as dissing you or your approach but 1) "Rules" would not be my first order of business and I wouldn't react well to being dictated to; 2) If I had to agree to these two particular rules I'd just keep the whole thing to myself; and 3) I think maybe the point would be to get over the humiliation, at least it would be for me, otherwise why bother confiding? Just sayin.

[NancySue]

Hi and welcome to this Forum. It's been very helpful. My husband told me of his CDing before we said our "I do's". Yes, I was shocked, he being a jock, no effeminate manners, etc. He "confessed" because he didn't want any secrets. He said he expected me to leave, but I didn't. I admired his courage and honesty. My first concerns were the usual...was he gay, bi, did he want to transition, SRS, etc. he said "No" to all. He too began at age 8. All those years, he searched for answers to "why", but never found any. We talked a lot...yes, a lot. I read many articles, books, etc. to educate myself, and too, found nothing definitive. He too was quiet, embarrassed, etc. I continually told him I loved him and what he wore made no difference. What opened him up was my buying and surprising him with his own panties, bras, pantyhose, makeup, heels, etc. and telling him I couldn't wait to see him in his new things. I told him I'd help him with makeup too. He couldn't believe it. Little by little he emerged from his shell. He now dresses whenever he wants. Sometimes underneath, (I can always tell &#128521 Sometimes 100%. In my opinion, he is very passable. We'd like to go out, but we live in a smaller, conservative, nosey town and agree to be careful. Discovery would not be well received. Maybe buying him things, going through catalogs, on line, etc. might help communications. It worked for us. Best.

[Alice Torn]

Soapstar, Good that you are not being harsh with him. Thoreau was not kidding when he wrote, "The masses of men lead lives of quiet desperation." So many men are in great emotional "hamstrung" condition, and feel socially "hamstrung", too. An extremely rare woman will not be harsh and condemning!! Also, women can wear ANYTHING THEY WANT TO, WHILE MEN CANNOT WEAR ANYTHING BUT MEN'S CLOTHES, a big double standard. I cannot really say i know the exact reason i have struggled with this since about age 13. I had a harsh dad, who resented em, and mom said he wanted only daughters! I felt very close to my mom, but seldom with my dad. My only sister, the firstborn, was pampered and spoiled by my parents. I know i had long, almost feminine legs, and my dad had a long legs fetish, and i felt like he admired MY legs! I had no confidence with girls, and was kept away form girls growing up. I never got to date, until around age 25, and my first girl friend ended her life on drugs. I have never had penetration sex in my whole 63 years! I am not gay, and am only attracted to certain women, but have always loved hose, dresses, heels, skirts, tops, bras, swimsuits. Pantyhose are my favorite. When i am all dolled up, and looking stunning, i do have sexual releases sometimes, but not all the time. I am only part time dresser, seldom go out in public. Part of my dressing i believe is from never having a mate, and part of it is from unmet social needs, and abuse. I also do not like the way most women dress or care for themselves in our era. Few wear dresses, skirts, hose, and seldom look ladylike, like they did in past eras. I really appreciate it when i do see a lady dressed up nicely. I think many women have abandoned their femininity. I cannot completely put a finger on an exact reason. there are many, i think. Women are flying high, while many men are depressed, and feel unneeded anymore. The female energy is on cloud none. while the male energy is in steep decline, and desperation. "Girls just want to have fun!" The whole modern western culture is in dissarray, and many men are in "quiet desperation", and not handling it well. I feel unloved, unwanted, and misunderstood, and socially deprived, form my toxic childhood, and being different, as a man. I always was highly sensitive, like a woman at times, but many, at other times. If we cannot truly understand it, how can you ever do so? It just is! But, being a man, with all the double binds, and limits, and crazymaking, while the female energy in society is flying high, sets men up for many tough issues. I have had a very troubled, sorrowful solitary mostly life, but i also go to 12 step groups, have been with a church which condemns this, and i trying to be helpful to all living things. The serenity prayer is best for you in this situation. Acceptance.

[Maria_mtf]

He is creeping around and I don't want him to feel uncomfortable around me. Do a lot of crossdressers feel this way even if a spouse or other family member finds out?

I am quite quiet so it sounds like husband has some similarities to me. My wife knows and is great, but doesn't really like it. We rarely talk about it so each time I want to take the next step I feel extremely anxious and put off talking to her about it. For me it's just clothes but I want to buy makeup and wig, she knows I would want to at this point but I know this next step is going to worry her.

What's great is that you are curious and asking questions, my wife doesn't, if she did I would answer anything. Lots of men have trouble sharing feelings, so if your husband if one of those it's even harder to talk about crossdressing.

To answer your OP as to why, it's like an itch that needs scratching. Don't know why, feels great when you do it and when you stop you know you will want to itch again.

I wish you the best.

[Sometimes Steffi]

First of all, I don’t think there’s an answer to “Why”. I don’t think many of us can even answer “Why”.

I could tell you my story, but it wouldn’t be very enlightening for you. Suffice it to say, I don’t know “Why”. But I did get a lot of messages (about others) while growing up that crossdressing was wrong. When I was growing up, if you were a crossdresser, you were gay (actually, you were a queer or a faggot).

If your husband is doing makeup and going out of the house, even just to the mail box, he’s a lot more advanced, even than many here, who are trying to figure out makeup or are looking for the courage to go out for the first time. So, as a warning, there may be way more to his crossdressing than you might expect. I tell you this not to scare you, but to make you aware of the possibilities. If you really want to support this and get your husband to talk to you about it, you have to be “all in”. Be respectful of whatever he tells you without laughing or criticizing.

I have some different ideas that you could try. The basic concept is to begin sharing his crossdressing with him.

For example, you could ask him if he has any pictures of himself dressed that he feels safe in sharing, making sure he knows that his secret is safe with you.

You could ask him if he’s ever painted his toes, and tell him you would love to paint his toes for him, or maybe even go for a pedicure together, someplace safe.

You could ask him about his favorite outfit, and maybe, even ask him to leave it on the bed after you leave for work, so you could see it when you got home.

You could offer to buy him some clothes, maybe just a panties, if he told you his size. Or you could just buy him some and leave them on the bed for him to find.

Note that all of these things require some kind of friendly interaction or conversation.

One last thing, once he understands that you will accept him, he may go wild about it, like popping the cork on a bottle of champagne. At some point, you may want to discuss boundaries that allows him to be her and you to accept to your level.

[donnalee]

Hi Soapstar and welcome.
As you can see, there are a lot of opinions on this subject and I'm sure by now you're pretty overwhelmed.
The best advice I can give you is to go slowly and gently. Your husband is just as confused and in search of answers as you are, probably more so. The reason for this is not as important as recognizing that it is part of your husband's make up and so part of what you love about him. Acceptance is the most important part of this addition to your relationship and can most likely be best addressed as how you can best live with this circumstance.
I think you're starting out with the best kind of outlook and that is hugely important.
Good luck and best wishes.

[looking_good]

Others more eloquent and thoughtful than I....

But I can say it was transformative when I found my spouse was open to "coming along for the ride". What an amazing woman! We continue to learn more about each other every day. We learned a lot about working on things together rather than opposed to each other.

And clothes shopping for both of us is just such a joy! (Too soon?)

[Alice B]

A very difficult question to answer. I did not start until in my 60's and it was out of the blue and to this day do not know what the trigger was. Had lots of discussions with my wife and she knows it is not a threat to our marriage and accepts, but does not wish to participate an any fashion. In your case you are already showing that you can accept his dresssing. Maybe a simple letter to him explaning your view of the issue and concern that he is not sharing his feelings will give him confidence to open up to you. As to why, he may not know and may never know.

[Confucius]

What makes a man want to crossdress?
Well in my case, when I crossdress it makes me happy. When I crossdress my brain releases feel good neurotransmitters (oxytocin, dopamine, serotonin, etc) and these neurotransmitters produces the sensations I want. Or, at least that's my theory. I find it relaxing, reduces stress, produces gratification, and my world is made right.. I have no desire to transition to a female. I know I am 100% male, but sometimes I enjoy being 50% female.

In my case I've felt this way as long as I can remember. My first crossdressing memories go back to when I was around 3 years old. I know that when I was born my mother wanted a daughter, and I was something of a disappointment to her. However she did not have to wait around too long, when I was only six months old she found herself pregnant again. She hoped and prayed for a daughter, and bingo my sister was born. My mother often recalled it as the happiest day of her life. My sister grew up to be my mother's pampered princess. I grew up thinking that my mother would love me more if I was born a girl. I was convinced that all parents preferred daughters because girls were better behaved, and causes less problems. I knew I was a boy, but it was considered a handicap in life. I thought girls had it so much better in life. So when I crossdressed as a small child, I felt that I was fixing things, and it made me happy. I did grow out of those thoughts (during my teenage years), but the association between crossdressing and happiness never left.

Finally, you need to know that crossdressing covers a wide spectrum. No two are exactly the same. We all bring the baggage of our life's experiences.

[JeanTG]

Part of the problem of him not talking about it is that he simply may not know *why* he does it. He just knows he *needs* to do it. I've analyzed myself until my brain hurts. I just have to accept that this is the way I am. There are times when I feel very feminine and *must* dress or be extremely frustrated, and at other times I always need to express my feminine side even if only secretly. Those times I wear panties, clear nail polish, mildly shape my eyebrows, etc.

[Soapstar411]

Wow, thank you all for the responses! Sorry, I'm just logging back in. Did not expect that many responses! I am still reading through them, and I am glad that I am gaining more insight as to why my husband is cross dressing and does not want to talk to me about it. I will continue reading through responses. Again, thank you all!

[SIZE=1]- - - Updated - - -[/SIZE]

Soap,
Like Leigh said, this happens sometimes very young, like me, for others, later in life. And we don't even have an answer to it a lot of times ourselves. For me, I had a dad that was very mean, bad temper, made me lean toward my moms ways I think. He actually beat me and I hated him for that! So that is one reason that I love these forums so that at least we can say what we think. One thing that always gets me though, all that stuff happened so long long ago and you think that you could just let it go and forget it, but it just seems to haunt you all your life. ;(

Hi Brandy,

I am so sorry that you had to endure that from your father! No child should ever have to go through that. My husband told me he started when he was a kid himself. He has always leaned towards his mom because him and his dad have never been very close. I have still yet to meet his dad! He also told me his dad found women's clothing inside his closet when he was in middle school, so I have wondered if that is the reason why his dad rarely reaches out to him. It's sad because I wish my husband had that father/son bond with him, but he doesn't. I don't want my husband to feel like he is alone. I have told him many times that he can tell me anything. I'm hoping he will reach out and communicate to me.

[Tracii G]

So happy to see you post again Soapstar.
Its really a very complex thing and as you have seen not an easy thing to sort thru.
As long as you let your husband know you are beside him all the way and nothing can break the bond you have he may very well open up more in the future.
He needs to accept himself first and come to the realization that CD is OK and he has lots of friends here.
You are a real gem and he is soo lucky to have you for a partner.

[Soapstar411]

Tracii G
Sorry, the last few days have been pretty busy, but I have returned. And yes, I do want him to know that I am beside him every step of the way. He doesn't tell me when he is cross dressing, but I do know when he is doing it, and he has been doing it the last few nights after he gets off work, and comes walking in around 1am. Part of me worries for him because I don't want him to come across the wrong person while walking outside in women's clothing, especially that late at night. When he was cross dressing while I was at work in the daytime, he wasn't even aware that the neighbors were seeing him until the day I found out about it and talked to him. I so badly want to tell him to be careful and to aware of his surroundings, because people hate on what they don't understand. Is it wrong of me to say something about it? I don't want him to feel like I'm telling him to stop doing what he feels comfortable, but at the same time I worry for his safety when he walks out those doors in women's clothing. Even just walking around the neighborhood isn't safe, especially in this day and age.

[ClosetED]

As others have said, I commend you for wanting to know. My wife threatened divorce when I suggested this site. She went to the horrible crossdresserwives website full of hate. Your questions to your husband showed the typical misunderstanding of the public based on transsexuals like Kaitlyn Jenner, while there are probably 5 times as many crossdressers (CDers) than transsexuals (who want surgery to be women). The rate of homosexuality in CDers is probably slightly lower than the general population. His reluctance to talk is also based on stereotypes - he expects you to want info to help with divorce, outing him, embarrass him, etc. Mutual trust is needed. Each couple may have to find how to establish this. Time and proof with actions may help. If you want him to be safe, let him know that this is your being concern, not his dressing. If you can, agree to help him dress (if he will allow), if done at home. It can start out with looking at catalogs, for what might look good or interest his other side. (I like the metaphor of a coin - a male side and female side, but still one coin that can be seen very different). It could be buying items for him to wear in private. It might move to makeup lessons. Modeling clothes. But kept at home until your both agree to change that. Others have had partners who were reluctant to discuss - suggest he joins here to have others to share with. There is a TG story you can find called 'Trust' by Amy Matthews which gets into the mindset of a CD who finds an accepting woman.
Do you have specific questions we can help answer on the general topic? We are here for both of you as we love to see happy couples and not ones who are forced to hide their real selves as a compromise.
Hugs, Ellen

[Ressie]

Most on this site advise not to walk around (alone) dressed at night. It's very much like a woman walking alone at night. Kind of dangerous. Hubby should go out shopping or out to eat instead. You could go with him maybe in another town if you're worried about running into people you know.