First, these are my opinions, based on both personal experience (and watching my marriage go down the drain) and four decades of reading every thing I could find about crossdressing and relationships. I cannot provide references, because I did none of this to write a report for others. I read it all to learn about myself,and how it affected my own life. So take it for what it is, and I hope it helps you understand what's going on in your life now.
Okay, now it's time for damage control. You've done something which may destroy any sexual attraction that your wife had for you. And if you lose that, you're done. Your romantic relationship will be over. And if that's gone, the marriage usually is pretty much over. Why? Because romantic love, for women, is attached to sex. If you've destroyed the sexual attraction, the love always follows for a woman. And once that's gone, she will want to regain it, and it WON'T be with you. It will be with another man, either in reality or her fantasies. And then if that happens, you're done.
Let me explain.
We don't fall in love with what the other person is. We fall in love with what we BELIEVE that other person is. As we get to know them, we accumulate information, and in our mind, we gradually add information to that image which becomes what we believe that person to be. Your wife fell in love, and had sexual desire, for a masculine man. Now she finds out that, that's not what you are (at least in her mind). This can either instantly turn her off, or sometimes gradually just eliminate the sexual desire for you, as she no longer sees you as the masculine person she was turned on by. Let me give you an example. You turn the corner, and see a hot babe walking in front of you, you love her subtle curves, the slight wiggle, the way her long, sexy hair gently swings back and forth. Pique your interest? Feel a little turned on? Enjoy looking at her? Then she turns into a shop to look in the window, and you see that it's a guy; bulge in the crotch of his jeans and all. Still turned on? Nope. Attracted? Nope. You might even feel he's repulsive. That's what usually happens when a wife finds out her husband is a crossdresser. It changes the sexual dynamic. Instead of picturing you in her mind as the masculine man she always has, now she might see you in a dress and heels. And not only doesn't that turn her on at all, it most likely specifically turns her OFF.
So don't dress up for her, and I wouldn't show her any pictures, either. Because while she might imagine it, seeing it in real life will be an image burned into her mind that she will NEVER forget.
So. Remain the man she has known as best you can. Don't dress up in front of her. Don't discuss make up, clothes, DON'T try to become her best girlfriend, unless that's all you want to be. Because once you're her girlfriend, you're not her husband anymore.
Continue to have sex the way you always have. BE THE MAN IN HER LIFE. This is important. Why? Because if she loses the man she has, she will start looking for a replacement strong male figure; women often want their mate to be solid, reliable, someone that they can always depend on, someone they know will protect them; that is part of what a man is in our society. If she starts seeing you as feminine, this may make her feel unsafe and unprotected. And it makes you seem unreliable, because you suddenly have become something she never thought you were.
^this is what I went through. Her initial confusion, then investigating the world of crossdressers, we went to a crossdressing 'friendly' therapist, and then my ex discovered the support groups for wives of crossdressers; then the bad stuff happened. She started hearing all the horror stories by other wives about how their husbands were liars, continued to lie, about the crossdressers who were actually gay or transsexual, about how those men secretely fooled around outside of marriage with men, basically painting all of us as lying feminine gay cheating scum who would eventually progress to transitioning and getting sexual reassignment surgery. THis is a tale that at some point your wife will definitely be exposed to, by MANY women out there. Why? Because most crossdressers don't know why the do it. If you cannot explain to your wife why you crossdress, she will assign a reason to you, and you won't like the one that she picks, because it will be based on her worst fears.Originally Posted by Samm
That's not the general result. Remember, you're on a 'feel good' crossdresser forum. In reality, the majority of marriages probably fail. You'll find out if you decide to go to a therapist with your wife about this.
Sharing an unwanted secret doesn't bring people together. It usually drives them apart. The percentage of women that like the surpise of finding out that her husband is a crossdresser, is very close to zero. Otherwise, there wouldn't be such a huge percentage of single crossdressers.
This was my situation as well.
And separate from sexual attraction.Your wife's reaction troubles me, and yet it's perhaps understandable. It will take a lot of patient education and learning together to convince her that gender is a characteristic separate from sexual orientation.
About 80% of us are straight. There are some of that 80 who occasionally have had some fantasy of being fem in some way sexually, but that isn't their usual feeling or behavior. At least, not from what I've read about us over the past 40 years.There are a vast number of heterosexual straight crossdressers. I'd almost venture that most CDs are straight males (without know the true stats).
^this is a big problem. As her instant assumption is that you are gay, it means that this has been her belief for a long time, that crossdresser=gay. So you're fighting to change her belief system, and every time she sees something that reinforces what she already believes, the harder it will be to change her mind. So avoid ANY mention, EVER, of you thinking of a male either romantically or sexually, or of you behaving as a woman sexually, i.e., submissive or dressed as a woman during sex. If you DO feel that way, leave it to the future when and if she suggests that you do that. Because if SHE doesn't ask to do it, she doesn't want it. Your marriage may depend on this. Avoid screwing it up any further.My wife had the same negative assumption that CD or trans means "gay" . It won't be easy to overcome but with patience and love you can do it and prevent panic.
Unless you've been routinely deceiving her in some way with little things (doing things with your friends that you didn't tell her about, not being where you said you were, not telling her about being friends with other women and being caught at that, hiding money from her, buying stuff and not telling her) this will be new to her, and the sudden realization that you would deceive her about something this big may make her suspicious of you not telling her the truth in the future. The big one? Since you hid this, she may always wonder if you are actually TS. And this is not something that you can dismiss, especially since there is so much suggestive information out there that supports the generally held belief that lots of crossdressers are just TS who are in denial.The other thing that will be difficult ( but not impossible ) to re-establish is TRUST.
Women will almost always consider any deceit as cheating of a form. They reserve the right of deceit, for themselves. Examples being how many previous lovers they had, not to mention all the ways they change their appearance.It isn't cheating.
No one will accept this excuse. Women expect complete honesty from their mate; it's even more important to women because their life can be ruined by marrying the wrong man and having his kids. To women, the relationships with others are the most important things in her life. Men, not so much. We define ourselves by what we do (and, of course, we don't include crossdressing in that, because we know it's unacceptable to over 99% of the population). Women define themselves by their relationships. Never forget that.You were almost required to conceal it.
No, but there is a potential to make it work. I just hope your wife is very, very smart. Because those have been the only women I've known who are able to accept a guy who crossdresses. There's a whole lot of psychology involved, and very simply, most of the population doesn't have a comprehensive knowledge of psychology to draw upon when faced with a very sudden change in who they believe their mate, to be.You're relationship has changed forever and there's no toothpaste going back into the tube. Same thing happened when I came out. My relationship with my wife of 40 yrs changed, and hasn't been the same since. Its not hurt or wrecked, and we've come a long way to living with my inner girl. But it can never be what is once was.
&
Yep, the pink fog screws with our minds. To US, crossdressing is no big thing. After all, all the good things about us MUST be more important to her, they should easily outweigh the 'little, unimportant crossdressing thing', right? NOPE. Changing how they see us from mascuine, to feminine, is perhaps the biggest change in their lives to ever occur. It's a BIG problem.
My ex wife initially hated it. I provided literature to help her learn about crossdressers, and we went to a therapist. None of that made a difference. I would forever to her be 'not the man I thought I had married'. At the therapists office, she finally admitted that had she known before we got married, she never would have married me. She continued to believe that I was just a transsexual in denial, despite everything both I and the therapist told her. She eventually divorced me with that being the main reason, she simply couldn't accept a husband that she didn't see as masculine.
Let's remember, that many women accept all kinds of things. Laziness, infidelity, drug and alcohol abuse, lack of ambition, lying, women even stay with murderers, criminals, assassins, wife beaters, etc.. But what do all those men still have in common? They're masculine, and they retain the masculine sexual appeal that women look for in men. Crossdressing often destroys that. And once it's gone, it's gone.
Good luck. You're going to need it.
And, prepare for the worst. Most marriages don't survive this, despite the success stories you will read on this forum. Yes, you might be one of the lucky ones. But the odds are against it. Prepare for the worst possible outcome, so that you won't be blindsided if it happens.
Some men come home to find all their belongings tossed out on the lawn, the locks changed, some even have restraining orders against them created by their wives making up some sort of story involving abuse or endangering children. Sure, you can fight it, but it will take time. Others had vindictive wives cancel all their credit cards, report their cars as stolen, empty the bank accounts, and sending pictures of him in a dress to his friends, family and place of work. And many of these women never gave any warning that they were going to do this.
You could easily wind up living in your car without a job, listed as a sexual predator, and broke, minus your friends, family, everything. This is a real possibility. So plan for it. Keep at least some money hidden somewhere, and some clothes (man clothes). A simple duffelbag with locking tabs at a trusted relative's house will do. Start asking around those who you know (that don't know your wife, because that WOULD get back to her, so maybe coworkers) who were divorced, which lawyers they used. Better to be prepared and not need the information, than need it and not have it.
Feel free to PM me with any questions, as I don't always come back to threads after I post something, and this forum doesn't have reliable notification system for that.
I really hope I'm wrong. But that won't change how she feels.
