Absolutely, it most definately canOriginally Posted by t-girlxsophie
Absolutely, it most definately can
The way this issue is framed is all wrong, I think. The question shouldn't be "what can GGs do for me?" Instead, ask yourself what is it that you bring to the table? What does she get out of you being a crossdresser? The most likely answer is - nothing. In fact, you being a CD is probably going to be a liability. My wife's attitude toward my fetish runs from enthusiastic participation to mild irritation. But I know that she would have never sought someone like me out unless I had other qualities she favored. Overall, I've been a big disappointment to her sexually. I indulge her weirdnesses and she, mine but its often a chore for both of us. At least I don't suffer from gender dysphoria other than sexually or she would have been gone long ago.
Sometimes, I think that if I had it all to do over, I would have GG friends to hang out with and do stuff with but I'd leave the sex out of it. I wouldn't get married or even cohabitate and I would have gotten a vasectomy as soon as I was able. I love my children but being a father in this world has just been one long heartbreak. I think for the young CD that has to be something they seriously consider. Don't waste your life looking for unicorns. Do something productive. If a unicorn happens to find you, great. But don't expect it.
I guess I am different , but I really absolutely. have
no interest or desire be become romantically involved with
an Unaccepting woman on a romantic level .
I personally don't want a relationship built on lies
or half truth . To
me CD is about more than cloths is is about
thoughts , feelings , desires , a state of being .
I do not want her to lie to me, so will not
lie to her.
I guess if it comes to that , I had rather
be alone and unhappy than in a relationship
with one or both miserable .
So I look around for accepting Ladies
The dress shop the mall the grocery store .
Become friends first. You may find better
Educated Ladies far more accepting .
And realize that what we do is not bad
If you are pride of yourself you will attract others
There is someone out there for you if
You look hard enough
Jean. Ann
When I was dating before my wife and I met, I had mostly drab clothing photos but one of me from halloween dressed up. It wasn’t until years later that I had the urge to dress up outside of the holiday. It also helps that most of my matches on that site were bisexual women.
Great advice here! I will work toward "owning it". Confidence is attractive, no matter what the packaging.
When it comes to new relationships, everyone has 'issues', and I think by working to improve myself to the point that CD-ing is just one 'issue' with the relationship, and there are very few others, then a GG would be more likely to accept it, assuming that went with honesty and consideration, and a clear understanding of what CD-ing means to both parties.
For those who do not have an understanding spouse, meeting with a good gender counselor helped both my wife and I gain a lot of understanding. It did not improve her overall feelings about it, but at least she understood it more, which made things easier for a while. I could see a situation where if I hit a point where I had a good relationship and told my new girlfriend about my gender dysphoria, I would also suggest we see a counselor together if she has trepidations about continuing the relationship.
I've seen many CDers in my husband's Crossdressing social group (this was not a TS group). Many were open about secretly hiding things from their SO's, (clothes, of course), places they went, some were having affairs with women and/or men. One even had an apartment in another town so he could "do his thing". Many didn't not want to do things such as vacations, unless they could do it dressed. One had to have a new dress for every outing (and the outings included Friday and Saturday every weekend).
I came away with the opinion that it's not "the clothes", it's the behavior that causes previously accepting SO's to become disenchanted and tired of CDing. Dutchess touched on that issue also.
GG's just don't get excited about underwear, going through drive-thru's wearing a dress, getting their pictures taken, sitting dressed up including heels around the house, or taking the garbage out in a skirt. Most make sure their dresses are not showing too much leg when a truck goes by. The things that many CDers seem to enjoy are just boring and commonplace to many GG's.
There are obviously couples who enjoy each other's attributes. My guess is that they have full and interesting lives beyond CDing.
I agree that order for a partner to understand you, you must understand yourself.
Last edited by char GG; 09-20-2018 at 01:52 PM.
Some great posts here :
I think in a way the same rules apply
as any relationship .
I think sometimes we are not giving women credit for
Their ability to understand and accept .
It is all to easy to blame lack of success on CDing
The women are out there , if you want a relationship
You have to get out there . Go to that bar Social Group etc
Dressed . Meet the GG there become friends with couples
Many GG love to fix their girlfriends
up with nice men
When people know you are a nice guy
who likes and somewhat understands
women it will become much easier
Jean. Ann
Yep, what Katrina, Dutchess and Aunt Kelly said.
I went the route of dating sites and the odds are just not good, which makes sense when you think about Kelly's point.
In other words, unless their looking for one of us (and it's just not possible to fully explain what that is in a dating site profile), then they'll see the profile, say no thanx and move on.
Same for potential relationships not began from dating sites; my opinion on the right time to spill the beans is before any type of commitment that includes engagement, marriage or even living together.
I made that promise to myself long ago and told my last LTR partner after we had established that we we're a couple, she accepted it and for the most part handled it well enough, but after 2 years of living together my other issues destroyed the union.
Since I migrated into this state of being known as non-binary and present as a mix of genders, advertising and searching online became redundant and unnecessary. I get the occasional fully accepting interest from random women, but it's just that, they aren't looking to date.
What's also relevant and nice about my home on the gender spectrum, is that I do indeed own who I am, and that confidence is, as has been thoroughly noted already, most important. You can be sure i'd not get that open interest from ladies, I don't know already, if I wasn't comfortable in my presentation.
Which brings me to the present and one last point. I have recently gotten to know a 30 yr old, lovely (inside and out) young woman, and even though we haven't had a talk about me and why I look as I do, she is one of those truly open-minded types. We were in a group of peeps just hanging out and chatting and she got my attention and covertly made a little hand gesture to me indicating I had something on my face.
I excused myself, took a peek in a mirror and some of my mascara had flaked off and was smudged on my cheek under my eye; I think she obviously would just have reached up and took care of it or said something outright if I had been any female.
I am sensing she might have some feelings for me, but given the rather large age gap (I have 25 yrs on her) and other circumstances i'm just treating her as any other friend...…...for now.
The main point to that, and one that relates to the whole topic overall, but also something that will prolly not affect any of us on this forum (unless your 18 to 25) is that times are changing and there will come a time, someday (could be 50 yrs) that we will see more acceptance.
With that acceptance there will be more open dating between cis-genders and transgenders.
Cass
Last edited by Cassandra Lynn; 09-20-2018 at 04:33 PM.
I agree with Dutchess and Char understand yourself and be honest .
So many are told this and that and then more comes out then more where if a GG wants to support and be in a relationship they start to think / what is the truth? What else are they hiding?
I was very lucky - knew from the beginning, met here, met Sherlyn first and grew together. I made it clear we had to be on the same page as we were.
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Well my wife is so unaccepting and today she went on for over an hour of yelling and anger about how I've ruined her life by not telling her 35 years ago when we got married.
Said she would have never married me.
Seems like she totally forgets all the good years. Now she says when she looks at me she only sees an old man in a dress.
I don't dare say all the things I don't like about her. That would just make matters worse. (Yes Dear)
It's sad but I think I'm on the road to devoice!
Wow now she just hugged me, I guess I have no clue about women.
Last edited by Judy-Somthing; 09-20-2018 at 10:12 PM.
"This is ME" I am not CRAZY, I'm just a GUY who likes dresses!
Since allot of men dress up in woman's clothing that makes it a manly thing to do!
Much more fun than fishing.
I do construction like house building and I love CD-ing, what's the difference?
Katrina, you're absolutely correct and it worked for me.
Well, I'm single, but hopefully I can add some insight here as a straight GG who is actively seeking a CD partner.
(I am not attracted to transwomen, and I do in fact know the difference, docrobbysherry)
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What does she think makes her different from all the women who find us such a turn off, or even repulsive?
When it came to relationships, I gradually decided to go after what I wanted instead of what society was telling me I should want, and here I am. I am more comfortable with openly unconventional people, and I allowed myself to consider an unconventional relationship as a possibility. Then came research, research, and more research!
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And then how do we inspire that quality in other women?
Although it sucks, I don't think you can. It's up to us GGs to talk to each other and open each other's minds to different options. It's similar to how guys tend to change other guys' minds when it comes to treating women better, or how white people tend to change each other's minds when it comes to treating minorities better. It's stupid, but true. People listen to those who are most like themselves. We are bombarded with images of what makes a "real man" on a constant basis, and crossdressing is a subject that practically never comes up except as a joke. It's an uphill climb, and there aren't many of us ready or willing to make the hike and educate each other.
Since I'm a dominant (potential nopenopenope #1 for a partner), I run into a similar problem on the kink side of things. Female dominants don't take well to crossdressers at all, but I try to convey how most crossdressers aren't automatically into humiliation/degradation/sissification or as "deserving" of punishment as social conditioning has taught us and them that they are. It's not always a fetish; crossdressing can also be a part of their identity, and can come from a positive place. The downside is that there are a LOT of subs who DO want to be humiliated, so it feeds into the misconceptions.
My career is a web series where I review gay romances (potential nopenopenope #2); I regularly include books about gay CDs that are positive portrayals, roast the bad books, and talk about crossdressing. I also repeatedly explain how contrary to these books and popular belief, most of you are straight, so we should assume you are and just like to look pretty ;)
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With all the single women out there, literally sitting at home eating a pint of ice cream while watching some sad romance, wouldn't at least dating a nice guy who sometimes crossdresses, be better instead of waiting around for Mr alpha male to arrive?
You'd think so, but no. Those sad romances only feature ultra-fit, hot, rich, alpha males and every time they watch one it further reinforces the "someday my ultra-fit, hot, rich, alpha male prince will come" mentality. A vicious cycle, to be sure, but these women have to be exposed to different relationship possibilities, and at a time in their lives when they're still open to change - so young and/or clearly open-minded women.
(and I will have you know that when I watch sad romances, I eat protein bars - so there :p)
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What can we do to make ourselves more acceptable?
For some, the only thing you can do to make yourself more acceptable is to not be a crossdresser. Those are the women you don't want, by the way. They'll either always be on their way out or trying to change you at a character-deep level, which is impossible and won't lead anywhere good.
You will have better chances with someone who knows about you guys and is not only okay with it, but enthusiastically supports you. That level of interest rarely wanes over time, but we're really hard to find. I actually don't know of anyone else.
In the meantime:
Focus on being an honest, confident person - guys who focus on physical, emotional, and intellectual self-improvement are always hot
Have diverse interests - it shows that crossdressing doesn't consume you, which can be seen as a negative if that's all you have to talk about
Be as outwardly proud of who you are as you are on the inside - I agree with KatrinaK and sweetdreams on this one
Show you can commit time to a relationship - if you're always busy, what's the point?
If you win the lottery, she'd only be around long enough to spend all of your money...then you'd be back at square one lol
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By the way, I've looked on dating sites under het/bi/pan males, androgynous/genderfluid males, etc. and there just aren't that many of you out there within my search parameters :(
Lexi,
Maybe you're overthinking it in a negative way , I don't consider it a curse , certainly not now I'm finally enjoying what dressing can do for me . As for finding an approving lady if you find an opening ask the question .
Recently when in a shop a comment was made about now having a nice outfit what about going for a drink , so I went back and asked if the offer was genuine , she said it was so we exchanged phone numbers . I'm not pushing it , she said she will contact me again when it is convenient .
The annoying or sad part is my wife would often say if I found another partner she knew how to put them off , well I don't have that problem because I was dressed when my conversation took place .
To add to the GGs comments from Char and Di , I'm just looking to go out with a female companion , I understand their comments about going OTT, when most women treat it all as everyday and possibly boring . I've now lived alone for just over six months and know I still have a lot to offer , I've had to come to terms with everyday so I understand the excesses women will dislike in a short time .
I'm sorry to have to repeat this but the honesty talked about often appears to be one sided , we have a guilty secret which ashamedly have to admit to ! Sorry we are wired differently so there is no shame to attach to it , I also wish my wife had been more honest with me before we married . Why is it mostly the case our wives try and change us when ( with or without the dressing issue ) we just go along and accept our wives . I feel I'm just emerging from a dark storm cloud and seeing daylight for the first time .
Last edited by Teresa; 09-23-2018 at 05:42 AM.
I take the side of those who just find someone nice and then go for it. Going more than a couple of months without telling is unreasonable. There is a problem for all men in that women start out with unrealistic expectations of men. Mr Darcy and Heathcliff do not wear dresses. As they get older woken become more aware of the male qualities that are important. Those of us who care about others should be OK there.
I agree that some CD behaviour is stranger than the crossdressing itself. And revealing crossdressing (or being found out) after years of partnership WILL be viewed as dishonesty). I don't have the lingerie obsession or a female identity (despite the name used here - it is just a convenient term) and the only clothing I wear that a woman would not is a slip. The behaviour that would make a woman think twice about me is the number of women's clothes I have which is WAY more than most women. Other than that I want to look good in my outfits rather than pretend I am a woman and when I am pretending I never lose sight of that - I am just acting - my real self is always male. I have had partners who could not take the crossdressing and others who didn't like it but tolerated it because they liked other aspects of me. One of the things women like about me is my voice and in public that is incompatible with a female appearance and I could understand if a partner objected to me attempting to speak in a higher register. What we also have to consider is that women sometimes perceive their own status as related to the status of their partner, and if that partner is a high achiever she really will not want to be known to her social circle as that poor woman whose partner wears women's clothes. I am NOT saying that a woman's status should be related to her partner's - just that in the real world this perception exists even among women.
I may not be the best qualified to comment as I am currently single but I believe the best way to find a supportive partner is simply to find a partner and be a good, considerate and appreciative partner yourself.
I must be unusual; as my partner of 43 years had no problem with it (she was Japanese, a country whose traditional clothing was pretty much unisex). After her death in 2011 and after a couple of years of mourning, I tried on-line dating without much success. In 2015 I fell in love with another woman who I met in a more conventional manner; things went very quickly and she agreed to move in with me. In the interest of honesty I also told her I crossdressed..She said that turned her on! Unfortunately, the relationship only lasted 2 months due to other issues.
ALWAYS plan for the worst, then you can be pleasantly surprised if something else happens!
"The important thing about the bear is not how well she dances, but that she dances at all." - Old Russian Proverb (with a gender change)
It doesn't matter if you are a crossdresser or not. it is difficult these days to just plain date period. My history has been, the ones I like are all married or taken. The others are so messed up from failed relationships that it is most times not worth the effort you have to put into it.
I myself have been divorced for 20 years. Sure the first 5-10 years I had to deal with raising my kid, and working at a job that was for several years 80 hours or more, so left little time or energy to want to do much more than spend time with my kid. Add to that My Mother lived with use until she passed. It just takes the energy out of all of it.
Now, I am 58, and find myself not overly concerned with dating any longer. That is not to say that I would turn a date down from a nice lady. I just and not willing to hang shingle so to speak and try. Too many disappointments.
So, I take care of me. My dogs, and cats. Spend quality time with my kid who is now almost 30.
I know it sounds sad. This is my life and I guess I have to own it!
Getting the truth out right away may not be working but at least it's a way of weeding out GGs that won't go for it. Here's my idea of finding a GF that will accept CDing:
Any time you go shopping for women's clothes, (en fem or male mode) there may be opportunities to chat with women that are also shopping. Be friendly, charming and let them know that you're a CD. This is more promising than running an ad in a dating service site IMHO. These women will see the real you in real life! If they aren't interested (or unavailable as in married) you could ask them if they know any single women that would go out with a CD. Any takers?
"You're the only one to see the changes you take yourself through", Stevie Wonder
IMO when looking for friends and partners we are scanning the people we see, wherever we are, and putting together a sense of how it might all work from all the clues visible. We know that generally people are also not showing anything they are not proud of,but those things are there to be ferreted out in lunch, dating, etc.
Now discovering that even telling my wife to be was not enough to really help her understand what it meant to her, I'm strongly in support of just crossdressing in public or talking about it like any other hobby that is important to you, so that it is clearly part of the package. Then women who are not sure will have time to judge how big a deal it really is to them.
I believe, just like any of us would prioritize issues with mates, that a woman looking for a mate will still pick us if all our personal characteristics are sufficiently attractive to her and she is not tied to convention so much that she can picture herself saying 'my SO is the most wonderful person, and one of the interesting/quirky/unresolved things about him is that he is a cd.'
That was what happened with my girlfriends in hs and college. Just didn't work with my wife because she picked me first without knowing, and at that point I just told her and didn't show her, and was overconfident that it was going to be fine.
We are all beautiful...!
Back to the original posting by SM good luck wit that.
In theory all the the suggestions made could work possibly but the chances of a CDing man actually having the guts to implement the theories is slim to none because most are deep in the closet.
Consider this dating site: https://www.disabledmate.com/search....IaAhAdEALw_wcB
There may well be the one you seek, here.
Dating sites suck and lead people to dismiss potential mates all too easily for shallow reasons. Meet people in real life instead, which would be my advice for anyone who wants to meet a potential mate.
My experience is that a lot of women are attracted to good looking crossdressers, many of them don't know they are until they meet one :-) A lot of women also appreciate good fashion style. So, I go out crossdressed to meet people, but I make damn well sure it looks good. I think it also has the advantage of weeding out people I don't like: like close-minded people, women who like masculine men, or women who expect men to fit into a stereotypical male role.
Confidence seems to be a big thing too. I've met a lot of crossdressers and transgenders who are *very* shy, as in social phobia shy. I was very shy when I started crossdressing but got bolder with a lot of exposure therapy. I went from buying clothes on the internet to showing off dresses to the store attendants (and having all the customers gawk at me), from nervously standing by the door all dressed up but never daring to go out to walking through busy streets dressed like a drag queen.
Further, people know very little about crossdressing and there may be a lot of questions and misunderstandings. Like: you must be gay or you are transitioning to female. It's complex material, and people can't even figure out themselves, let alone others. For me, it sort of clicked when I started calling myself drag queen. This is what I communicate upfront. And not just with words. I dress over the top flamboyantly. I go to venues where people expect others to dress up for fun. I add a funny detail that communicates the dressing is for fun (even if not "just" for fun). Even just putting on a big smile helps! Generally, do whatever works for you personally, but be clear about what potential mates can expect from you.
Last edited by fashionisto; 09-25-2018 at 07:55 AM.
Thanks for your forthrightness! Great points.
You are you. You are beautiful. Labels are worthless.
This is an important point! I wouldn't have been able to put it so succinctly, but I've experienced it. I STILL struggle with it, actually. I'm absolutely comfortable, solo. In public with the woman I dated for a long time... totally different. Taking your example of getting our nails done... I've done this alone for decades. I have no insecurity about it alone. I LOVED us getting our nails done together and loved the fact that she was so comfortable with me being "out there" like that. It was astonishing to me how she just didn't care. She didn't care where we went, who we ran into, what the reaction was. I was awesome! I was the one lagging behind in this, and she did not get it, and it took away from her enjoyment of it all. It was the same with the purse in male mode. She bought me the first purse I carried in male mode. It was SO thoughtful! I loved it and it meant so much to me that she'd do that for me and that she wanted/expected me to carry it. It was an adjustment. There was a couple of times I was going to leave it in the house if we were going someplace that I was not comfortable carrying it. I was already in the car, and she'd come out of the house with it saying, "You forgot your purse."
Nail polish and a purse are a couple of my "tells" in male mode and I love the telling, but it was not without effort that I could go out with her as a couple and be comfortable like that. We still often go get mani pedis, facials, brows done, etc. together, and to be totally honest it still tenses me up a little. If I'm acting weird about it, I can tell it takes all the fun out of it for her. When I can own it, she loves it!
Rhonda Jean and Katrina K, Excellent posts, telling us how it has worked out is just so important to us all. I really enjoyed reading them! Crissy
This may veer slightly off subject, but I want to add something. Everybody wants their wife/SO to go out with them. I get it. My wife did a few times when we first got married, and was always completely tolerant of whatever I did inside or outside the house without her. For the last couple of decades, though, she wouldn't be seen with me completely dressed. 50/50, reluctantly.
So I get into this dating situation where she is willing to go out with me dressed, and I'm overjoyed! Let me tell you, that first time, the second time, the tenth time... it was surreal to the point of being awkward. The very first time was the most awkward and the most memorable. We go to a mall and I'm wearing a white eyelet dress and heels. A little dressy for the mall, but WTH. When we were walking in I was so subconsciously confused by being outwardly a woman in a situation that I had only known from a male-of-the-couple perspective that I literally couldn't hardly put one foot in front of the other. I walked like a drunk! My mind was simultaneously telling me to walk like a woman and walk like a man, to that point that my date asked if I was alright. Even now, although I've gotten a lot more comfortable in a couples situation, I still get twinges of that. It's embarrassing! But seemingly totally out of my control. Sure, the predominant thought is to be a "girlfriends" type couple, sometimes I just can't quite get there, even though I want to so bad! Maybe it's just me.
