Ask a GG - Part Two

[Roberta Lynn]

Not my fathers closet

Would you want to know if your father is a crossdresser? What if you found out after his death?

Do you wish he had shared that part of himself with you?

The fact that you are reading this shows that you are more aware of and have more knowledge about this community than most people.
How do you think you would feel if you didn’t have this awareness?

Roberta

[char GG]

No, I don’t think I would want to know. My dad was a Captain in the Army, a spotter pilot during the war, and received the Silver Star. If he would have CDed, he would have never told. If I found out after his death, I would have thought he was a sly old fox!

[Di]

My father was very black and white about things so I really can’t imagine it for him.But I’m open minded and I’d support anyone and hope anyone close to me would feel safe telling me and if I found out after they passed I’d feel sad if someone close to me felt they had to hid it.

[ReineD]

But do some of you like to wear a dress on a day to day errand trip?

I always wear clothing suitable for the occasion. A wedding? I wear a dress. A funeral? I wear dark colors, whether dress, skirt or slacks. At work? Skirt or pants as the mood and/or weather requires. Going grocery shopping and other errands? Blue jeans.

We live in a small town. No one dresses up for anything, ever, and I don't like to be more dressed up than others. I don't like calling attention to myself. My SO and I often go out to dinner and everyone else there is in very casual attire, as am I. I just got back from a visit to a major city and went out for dinner with two female friends, to a touristy-type spot along the waterfront with a boardwalk and lots of restaurants. It was 95 degrees out and we all wore the least amount of clothing possible: capris and a light top. The only ones wearing sun dresses were girls in their 20s out with their boyfriends. lol

Would you want to know if your father is a crossdresser?

Yes I would. We could then have a discussion about it. If I found out after he died, I would assume it was a sexual for him and therefore private.

[rosetyler]

Would you want to know if your father is a crossdresser?

This doesn't even compute in my head cause he is hardcore religious and I haven't talked to him in almost 2 yrs cause he's a hater of all kinds of diversity.

What if you found out after his death?

After hearing the garbage he's said about nonstandard orientations and gender identity/expression, I would be absolutely FLOORED.

Do you wish he had shared that part of himself with you?

I wouldn't care either way most likely.

The fact that you are reading this shows that you are more aware of and have more knowledge about this community than most people.
How do you think you would feel if you didn’t have this awareness?

The same way I felt 10 yrs ago when someone came out to past sheltered highly religious me-pretty disgusted and weirded out.

[Kelly DeWinter]

I love this thread, but have avoided posting, because most of my questions are just plain silly. However after reading a couple of other threads, I might have a couple of sensible questions such as:

.The first time you EVER heard about a cross-dresser what were your thoughts.
.The first time your SO/Spouse/BF revealed they were a cross-dresser was there an observable difference in them or was it more that your thoughts changed about how your perceived them ?
.Over time were there changes in your relationship based on perception or based on actual observable changes ?
.Did you notice things about your SO/Spouse/BF that were always there, but now had a new context ?

Thanks in advance.

[char GG]

Hi Kelly,

My husband didn't start CDing until he was in his 60's after a bout with prostate cancer and subsequent surgery. A year later, he saw a picture of a CDer and said he wanted to try that. So I knew from the beginning that he was going to try CDing. I thought it was a one time thing, just for fun.

Other than comedies on TV, I didn't realize that men actually enjoyed dressing in women's clothes. I found out later, that many women, at least my age, don't know that is a "thing".

The first time I saw him dressed was the result from a transformation place, he looked pretty strange. He had a horrible wig from the "makeover" place that made him look like an old Bozo with curly hair. The makeup was over the top, complete with the horrible blue eye shadow. I should say that his presentation is 100% better since then.

We have been married a very long time and there were actual real changes in his personality which I have documented because at the time, I thought he had a brain tumor, dementia, or something. These were not "perceived" changes but real changes such as he stopped most of the hobbies that used to be important to him, dropped many friends, doesn't like it if someone disagrees with him, and became pretty reclusive. These changes may have begun regardless of the CDing but at the time, I blamed them on the CDing.

The challenges we faced were not easy. Probably most of the same feelings that women have after finding out about CDing after marriage. We both care very much about each other so we were able to make it work but it took a lot of communication, tears, and trying. I was one of the GG's who came to this forum for answers.

Maybe these are not the answers you a looking for because most CDers began their interest in women's clothes sometime in their childhood. Our story is a bit different.

[kimdl93]

I have a GG friend who has been aware of my CDing now for a couple of months. (For the record, this is a friendship, nothing more). She is supportive and encouraging, would like to join me on a GNO and introduce this aspect of me to someof her colleagues. At the same time, she remains full of questions, the most difficult being ‘why?’. We have discussed a variety of the prevailing hypotheses, but as we all know, there’s more conjecture than evidence at hand. Why was one of the questions that dogged my ex.

How important is understanding “why?” to you? And why?

[Kelly DeWinter]

At times I can be a fairly deep thinker regarding the human condition. I'm not looking for specific answers, but am interested in the experiences and expectations from before the revelation and after the revelation.

My relationship with Jeannie is different from most as she has known about and seen me (Kelly) on a regular basis, pronouns and even Names are very interchangeable. Even in our conversation,gift giving and where we go is very fluid. So in that sense we have no concept of expectations before and after.

I see and read about the struggles of others hear and among my friends and for good or bad think that hearing about GG perceptions before and after are valuable.

[confused_cathreen]

[QUOTE=Kelly DeWinter;4282965]

.The first time you EVER heard about a cross-dresser what were your thoughts.
*I was loosely aware that there are transvestites (the word used predominantly to describe men wearing female clothing outside of the house, at least that was my understanding) in the world around me but never gave much thought on the subject, a live-and-let-live attitude I guess.
.The first time your SO/Spouse/BF revealed they were a cross-dresser was there an observable difference in them or was it more that your thoughts changed about how your perceived them ?
*Unfortunately, my partner decided to approach the information that he is one by appearing in front of me fully dressed, minus wig and make-up. No change in behaviour and I was in shock so mind stopped recording the incident to protect itself, so haven't got any insightful observations from that day. Even more unfortunately though, the image managed to get recorded and despite my best efforts, it's still quite vivid in my mind. My perception of him has changed forever I fear, and I noticed that I got flashbacks during the most inconvenient of times, i.e during private moments. Seems like my preferences are so strongly hetero that in order to overcome this, my brain decided to bring in mind much more sexually exciting images in the form of other men. I know that this might be tmi but I feel it's important to underline women can be equally as visually stimulated as men, or even more than you might think. Bearing in mind I never had any trouble in being totally in the moment before and always making love to him with my mind as well as my body, I thought it spoke volumes about how important the way we perceive our partners is to a healthy relationship.
.Over time were there changes in your relationship based on perception or based on actual observable changes ?
*See comment above. Sexual behaviour changes, definitely. Now, it has only been 4 months. So I can't say what will happen if I am never exposed to the same image again, I might be able to press delete on that picture, although I have been furiously smashing that button since then and I am afraid it's broken Behavioural changes though, none that I have observed.
.Did you notice things about your SO/Spouse/BF that were always there, but now had a new context ?
*God, yes! Things that he has said or done through the years that I now know were because he is a CDer! I would like to say though that none I would miss or even notice were gone if he was to "not be a CDer any more". Don't think I don't know this will never happen though, he is who he is. As I also am who I am. By the way, to those of you reading this and thinking of telling your gfs/wives: women can be just as unobservant of "clues" as men. Sometimes, even more so than men. So do not assume that because you told her you like wearing female underwear rarely for kink reasons, she will make the jump to "oh, he is a cross-dresser". As I have explained to my boyfriend, that's like her saying that Brad Pitt is handsome means she is into polyamorous relationships. And therefore, you shouldn't be surprised if you one day come home and find her in bed with someone else. You MUST be explicit in what EXACTLY you are, if you want to have any chance in her ever understanding it.
Sorry for the long reply, the "joys" of being a woman

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I have a GG friend who has been aware of my CDing now for a couple of months. (For the record, this is a friendship, nothing more). She is supportive and encouraging, would like to join me on a GNO and introduce this aspect of me to someof her colleagues. At the same time, she remains full of questions, the most difficult being ‘why?’. We have discussed a variety of the prevailing hypotheses, but as we all know, there’s more conjecture than evidence at hand. Why was one of the questions that dogged my ex.

How important is understanding “why?” to you? And why?

I thought I would hit two birds with one stone and try to answer your question as well, Kim. The "why" is important because human nature is a strange thing. We fear what we don't understand and our minds can make all sorts of assumptions if we don't get a clear reason for why our partners get such a big kick out of something we consider at best trivial and at worse outright silly and offensive to our femininity. We might think he is not getting sexual stimulation from us any more (cue a hit to our self-esteem) or he is trying to improve our sex life as it's not fullfilling him anymore (cue another hit). If we don't get an honest appraisal of what's going on in his head, we will start re-assessing our role in this relationship and whether we should really even attempt to decipher this riddle if he hasn't made the effort first himself. We expect you to know why you do it because at the end of the day, this is your issue and you expect us to understand and accept it hoping it won't morph into something completely unmanageable in the future. If we don't know the why, we will fill in the gaps with whatever half-truths and urban legends and trust me, you won't like the result. It is the only way to have any chance of controlling the outcome. If you let us come up with the why's ourselves, we might come up with something that won't reflect the reality of who you are. And make decisions you won't like. Because when most women reach a decision, it will be too late for you to try to change it by deciding to explain the unexplainable.
Always give her the truth. Not what you think she can handle, this is not up to you to decide. Give her the background story, the blueprint to your evolution to what you are today. That is enough of a why.

[char GG]

Hi Kim,
In my case, I lived a long time with a man who wasn't a CDer. When he began CDing, it was very important for me to know what happened, "why??".

I really don't think he knows why. He gives me different answers than he gives other people. Personally, I think he likes the attention he gets when CDed (because he only wants to go out, never CDes at home) but that doesn't answer the "why" he started in the first place. I may never really know for sure.

We have a lot of history together. We both want to stay married and make it work.

[Di]

I have a GG friend who has been aware of my CDing now for a couple of months. (For the record, this is a friendship, nothing more). She is supportive and encouraging, would like to join me on a GNO and introduce this aspect of me to someof her colleagues. At the same time, she remains full of questions, the most difficult being ‘why?’. We have discussed a variety of the prevailing hypotheses, but as we all know, there’s more conjecture than evidence at hand. Why was one of the questions that dogged my ex.

How important is understanding “why?” to you? And why?

I did not need to know WHY. But I read here and even many cders do not exactly know why and question it themselves. I would maybe tell her that.
To me ....I understand why Char GG asked why when it went to a complete change in her hubby.
But in Shers ( and many I think ) it’s just part of who they are and pretty much how they always were.
Not a big deal , nothing wrong just part of who they are.

At times I can be a fairly deep thinker regarding the human condition. I'm not looking for specific answers, but am interested in the experiences and expectations from before the revelation and after the revelation.
I see and read about the struggles of others hear and among my friends and for good or bad think that hearing about GG perceptions before and after are valuable.

We talked about how Sher had to hid it her entire life and my expectation was and goal was for her to experience everything I could think of that she ever dreamed of out in the open. We started out ticking things off grocery shopping, going to dinner , preforming as a GG ( Sher was a musician) getting married in a wedding dress( we had two ceremonies) and on and on to ticking off everything . Then after- it just was our life and she mostly dressed the entire weekend ( her choice wanted to keep work separate) So basically it broke my heart how her kids and ex treated her and I wanted to make everything she ever wished for happen and later it just was our life and better than I ever imagined .
So my my experience is different but that’s my revelation and after.

[ReineD]

The first time you EVER heard about a cross-dresser what were your thoughts.

I first became aware there were such people as a young woman. Having not encountered anything like this before, I thought the behavior strange. It certainly was statistically rare. Also I came of age in an era that portrayed such behavior negatively and this also influenced my early reactions, although I did not condemn people for behaving differently than I did or than what I knew.

The first time your SO/Spouse/BF revealed they were a cross-dresser was there an observable difference in them or was it more that your thoughts changed about how your perceived them ?

I met a woman whose husband was a CDer and I observed they had a happy marriage. I then began to believe that the CDing is only one aspect of a multi-faceted person, and a person’s worth should not be judged on just one part of who they are. By the time I met my SO, even though I was taken aback when told and feared this meant he might prefer men, I was willing to move ahead with our relationship to see where it would lead.

Over time were there changes in your relationship based on perception or based on actual observable changes ?

Our relationship almost ended at one point when I perceived that I came second to my SO’s CDing. Eventually it sorted itself out. I have never observed fundamental changes in my SO due to the CDing, other than the fact that at one point, he seemed to enjoy it more than any other activity.

Did you notice things about your SO/Spouse/BF that were always there, but now had a new context ?

No. In my eyes, my SO has always been the same fundamental self - a man who enjoys expressing femininity on occasion.

How important is understanding “why?” to you? And why?

Very important. I’m more likely to accept stuff if I understand the reason for it. For example, if I understood why someone behaved poorly toward me (they were emotional due to the loss of a loved one, vs they are habitually self-centered and selfish), it would affect my ability to have compassion for this person.

[stephenie3756]

Question - often I see a woman wearing a beautiful pair of heels or a awesome dress that I would love to know where she purchased it and/or tell her that her heels/dress are beautiful. How, in this day and age, can I, has a man, ask her the question or tell her she look great without getting accused of something or seen as a wierdo? The crossdresser in me is dying to know where she purchased such items since I would love to add it to my fashio connection - I am married by the way and wear a wedding ring. And I am not trying to pick up the woman...just ask a question or give the compliment. Thanks in advance

[char GG]

Stephanie,

If your wife is with you, she may be willing to ask for you. I think a strange man asking a GG where she got her dress and/or heels would feel creepy.

Maybe the other GG’s will weigh in with some suggestions.

[Di]

Stephenie,
Maybe just say .....Hope you don’t think this strange ....but I think your dress is lovely and my wife may like it could you tell me where you purchased it.
Or if your wife is with you have her ask as Char suggested.

[stephenie3756]

Di - Thanks for the suggestion - My wife would slap me silly if I asked another woman that question with her with me...But your suggestion of how to approach a woman without my wife present would work. I'm in a DADT relationship...I used to be able to be out in the open with my wife, but not these days. Again, thank you for the excellent suggestion...

[ReineD]

Stephenie, I wouldn't ask a strange woman where she got her dress or shoes. Not in the current climate. Especially not in PA. The issue of men hitting on women is particularly sensitive right now.

I've had wonderful luck with google. Just describe the items and do an image search. You may not find the exact ones, but you'll come close.

[Lydianne]

Greetings, all!

I was reading a thread recently, and I saw several usages of a phrase to label women who make a particular decision . The decision and the label are not directly connected. I would not have made the connection without having read that thread. I still wouldn't, but I'm now aware of it. Regardless, the connection seems to be made widely.

So I was wondering whether there are any subtle things with spurious connections that men do that would universally crash their stock among a multitude of women who have never conferred with each other . I'm not talking about putting on a dress or anything like that because that's obvious . I mean indistinct stuff like a 3-series BMW, for example . . .

Regards,
- Lydianne.

[char GG]

Hi Lydianne,
I’m not exactly sure what you are asking. So, I’ll give it a try here. I can’t stand self-centered, pompous, “look at me”, type jerks. However, I deplore those traits in both men AND women. (I do like a nice sports car, but I bought one for myself.)

Edit: Lydianne kindly PM’ed me with clarification of the question. My new answer is the mullet haircut (short in front, long in back). Some ladies think it makes a man seem uneducated even though that is most likely not true.

[Di]

Lydianne, I had to think on this a bit. And say lol back in the day I thought they had to have long hair or I would not even consider going out. ( yeah hippychick)
But now nothing like any of that looks, clothes or cars ect.
Just
Do I come first?
Do they listen?
Sense of humor
Are they controlling?
Do we laugh together?
Things like that .

[Lydianne]

Thank you both for your responses! . Either men get away lightly, or women are not so quick to draw dubious conclusions from the superficial.

Visit the barber, pomp in check, put the lady first, and always listen! Check .

With all that in mind, I am heading out tonight! .
Mothers, lock up your daughters! :we:



...Thoughts? :winkp:.

- Lydianne.

[ReineD]

any subtle things with spurious connections that men do that would universally crash their stock among a multitude of women who have never conferred with each other

Effeminate affectations or mannerisms springs to mind.

[Kelly DeWinter]

What are three things a GG are sure we get wrong about women ?

[ReineD]

"We" as in men in general, or as in members of this forum?