Sorry Phili, I understand your point but I can't fill in your two prompts.
You see, I'm not negotiating anything with anyone. I'm not styling myself for anyone elses benefit. My presentation is for my own well being, I don't really care if people get the correct message, the wrong message or any message at all. They can live their lives and I'll live mine. Someone once asked me, and I quote, 'doesn't it worry you that others (men or women) may think you are gay because of your presentation even though you are not?'. My answer, 'no why the hell would it?'. For that to be a problem I would have to be homophoic (i.e. consider an assumption of being gay a negative thing which I do not) or single and actively looking for a new female partner (which I'm not). The point is they can think what they like, I don't want to dictate their thinking on anything.
I'll admit you are different though. Now please do not see this as a criticism but reading your posts it seems you are always negotiating with someone (your wife perhaps) or everyone. It is as if you are constantly rationalising to justify your behavior even though no such justification is needed. Personally I believe this all boils down to the hurt this causes your wife and the pain that in turn causes you. No amount of negotiating will enable anyone to give you the permission you seek to carry on, only you can do that and only you know the consequences.
