Crude comments from a man

[Yinlingyen]

I was out shopping (I chose a less crowded part of town when I am fully dressed to avoid problems) , but I was completely taken a back this time.
I wore the heels as shown (and for those who know me from this forum and has seen how I dress a times - more provocative type) I have had both compliments and cat calls. But this time as I was walking from my car towards a shopping area I noticed a man sitting on a bench with a beer in hand.
Flags started going up in my mind so that I was cautious not to go too near.
But as I walked past I heard a comment that did not immediately strike me as to the meaning of it. But it dawned on me quickly as I thought about it for a couple of seconds.

He said "Bet those heels spend more time pointing up than down".

I was very scared at that moment and made a quick entrance to the shopping area. I did not buy anything. I went around the back towards my car again to avoid him and drove to another part of town. At that moment my heart was the size of a melon !!!

I guess a close call.... and some may even say what else do I expect dressed like that.

[abbiedrake]

Not pleasant, OP. Not by any stretch.

However, I can't get behind Daisy's comments. They're too perilously close to blaming sexual assault victims. "Well, you dressed like that!", "You were asking for it.", "It couldn't possibly be HIS fault because look you could see the beer. HE wasn't responsible, so you should have been.". SMH.
Perhaps OP should take it as a compliment on passing. Or celebrate it as part of an authentic female experience? Yes. Of course, sarcasm. Please also watch for the utter absence of 'No offence, but...' in the next sentence...
Shrugging off rampant, ubiquitous misogyny as 'meh, reality' is what allows such insipid behaviour to continue unabated all the way to SCOTUS. (And top levels of government and business here in the UK, lest anyone think I'm anti-American. Which would be odd since my wife's a Floridian.)

[Charlotte7]

I guess a close call.... and some may even say what else do I expect dressed like that.

Ok, let's look at the situation from the victim's point of view. They did nothing wrong. Let's look at the situation from beer man's point of view. The fault lies entirely with him.

When it comes to sexual assault, even when that assault is verbal, victim blaming is wrong, every time and on every level.

Victim blaming is one of the biggest reasons that rapists walk free.

[DaisyLawrence]

No no and double no. I'm sorry Charlotte and Abbie, I did NOT victim blame in any way. I simply stated the reality of the world and made it clear that the man behind the comment was a stupid misogynist. I made it clear he was in the wrong but as I live in the real world I am not surprised he behaved in such a manner. That is NOT the same as saying Yinglingyen is wrong or to blame in any way, to say it is is offensive to me. Knowing how some other people think is not victim blaming. Women learn this the hard way and have to allow for the stupidity of people in their choices of where to go and what to wear. Is that right, no of course it isn't but it is reality and reducing ones chances of being raped is commonsense because these men exist whether we like it or not. :Angry3:

And since people can't understand simple English, poof the reply has gone. Free speech?

And Abbiedrake, why would you refer to my reply and then put a load of quotes in speech commas in a way that infers I made them when in fact I did not, not a single one?

[JayeDee]

Hello, Lin
I would say that "congratulations" is in order. Not only were you passable, but you were also quite attractive. Consider the source of the snide remark, and discount it. ... but take the attention as a compliment. (As the saying goes, if 1 person says something, 10 people thought it.)
Can I borrow those shoes? :-)

[abbiedrake]

@daisy "Well, racism exists. Shrug. What yer gonna do? Just deal, I guess."
I think Charlotte and I would happily agree that that you didn't directly condone beer man. But suggesting that women change their behaviour to circumvent misogyny IS a way of indirectly condoning it.
My wife has been raped. She was not dressed provocatively, but yes, was predictably victim blamed.
I have been beaten up and was victim blamed because I'd had a drink and it was dark. Not dressed, mind you. Just some scum decided to kick off. The police advice? 'Don't go out at night.' 👍Thanks a million.
That it's 'reality' that criminals are opportunists doesn't make their behaviour any less criminal. Regardless of what the victim does. It has to be challenged unequivocally otherwise our wives, mothers, daughters, sisters will never be safe.

As for your offence at mine and Charlotte's comments, well, that's reality, isn't it? It's your fault for saying what you did.
See how well that works? Real but unpleasant. You don't feel like you deserved it. Neither did OP.

[DaisyLawrence]

Well Abbie you don't get it. I find such behaviour abhorrent and probably more so than you and if you'd been here longer you would know that. I also couldn't agree with you more that it is never the victims fault but people live their life in the real world and make choices everyday to reduce risk. I was beaten to a pulp once in a city centre when I was a student because I was guilty of being alone in the wrong place at the wrong time, nothing more. The perps were entirely at fault but that doesn't change the fact that I was still beaten up. If my son wanted to go to the same place alone in the early hours of the morning I would advise him not to. Should I, after-all if he gets beaten up the perps are entirely at fault and he is blameless so maybe I shouldn't have an opinion. Trouble is, and this is the difficulty, in this scenario he is still beaten up and whose fault it is doesn't change that reality one tiny little bit now does it. So advising the use of commonsense for ones own safety and victim blaming are TWO ENTIRELY DIFFERENT ANIMALS and until people realise that they may well be putting themselves at increased risk.

[deebra]

I agree with Daisy, well said. Yinling love your shoes, you have the right to wear them just as much as a woman. If you were showing boobs like in your avatar scale it back. Don't let this stop you from going out just dress to not call attention.

[abbiedrake]

Dressing to draw attention is NOT a crime. Even boobs fully out is NOT a crime here in the UK. Public 'indecency' is a crime but then a court must ascertain intent.
Sexual assault IS a crime. Regardless of state of dress or undress.

[DaisyLawrence]

Thanks for the education but I guess we all knew that maybe.

Now since you are so knowledgable please tell me if either of these statements is not true:

1. Dressing to draw attention is NOT a crime.
2. Dressing to draw attention might increase ones risk of being a victim of crime.

You know, my friends sister who was raped and then murdered regrets not walking home with her on the night in question and has done everyday for the last 33 years. It's not her fault that her sister was murdered and her sister shouldn't have needed an escort but you know what, that doesn't make it any easier to live with. And that, abbiedrake, is reality and sometimes it stinks.

[abbiedrake]

True statement 3. Never leaving my home again might reduce the risk of assault.

Burqas maybe? Since we're gonna simply accept that those men will always exist. (It'd make CDing easier.)
I've not once argued against sensible risk reduction. Neither had Charlotte.
This 'discussion' stems from your now- absent tacit agreement with OP's comment "some may even say what else do I expect dressed like that". Victims blame themselves (as OP kinda did). Agreeing with that is victim blaming.


See also: https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/...ns-over-trials

[Di]

Of course we should be able to dress any way we want! No one is arguing that!
But just know Women Always Have The Burden Of Being Careful!
They have that burden because they have learned and understand not to can end up really bad for them.
Is that fair? NO but I am here to tell you that IS how women have to live.
I would never go to a area where there are not many people or dress sexy except maybe a club and I would have someone walk me to my car.
None of this is is fair or right but it is how woman have to think for their own safety.
Be careful ladies!

[DaisyLawrence]

This 'discussion' stems from your now- absent tacit agreement with OP's comment "some may even say what else do I expect dressed like that". Victims blame themselves (as OP kinda did). Agreeing with that is victim blaming.

Well that's the whole point isn't it abbiedrake. The OP commented "some may even say what else do I expect dressed like that" because that is exactly what she was expecting herself. If you dress for attention you'll get it, it doesn't matter if you like it or not, it doesn't matter if it's rude or illegal, you still get it. If I dye my hair green I'll get attention and I may well be laughed at. Some people think green hair is laughable, fact not opinion. If I do it and it happens I'm not going to complain and say you have no right to laugh at my green hair because the reality is that I'm intelligent enough to know that some people think a middle aged man with green hair is laughable. You can say to me "what else did I expect?" and my honest answer would be that in my real life existance where there are not unicorns at the end of rainbows I fully expected that I would be laughed at even though I wouldn't laugh at anyone else for their hair colour choice. So yes I tacitly agreed with the OP's statement because she and I and everyone else living on the planet knows there is some truth in it. That is NOT victim blaming and accusing me of doing so is still offensive. But not half as offensive as it is to my friend who campaigns for women to take steps to protect themselves so that they don't end up a murder statistic like her sister. Oh and by the way, there was no victim blaming at his trial, he went down for life but guess what, on his first day release from prison after 10 years he murdered another woman.

At least Di understands it. But then she is a woman without the priviledge of a male safety blanket. I think one of the most annoying things about this forum is how a bunch of men who like to play dress up think they know what it's like to be a real woman in a testosterone dominated world. Well they don't.

[Teresa]

Yin...,
Sadly you attracted the wrong audience , sometimes it happens ! Lets face it he could have been dishing comments like that wholesale to most GGs that passed , in that case you were the lucky one as he read you as female .

OK it wasn't a pleasant remark , with time you'll learn to ride over them , I know you went out dressed that way for some fun sadly it turned sour , next time you could be having a laugh with a comment from a stanger .

Thanks Di , in other words be sensible and dress appropriately and learn when to dress it up or down . I guess it's what label you choose to go out wearing !

[Beverley Sims]

Hello, Lin
I would say that "congratulations" is in order. Not only were you passable, but you were also quite attractive. Consider the source of the snide remark, and discount it. ... but take the attention as a compliment. (As the saying goes, if 1 person says something, 10 people thought it.)
Can I borrow those shoes? :-)

I would agree here, I know it is outrageous but that is what attractive women have to battle through daily.

[Yinlingyen]

I'm sorry if my post here has created any animosity.
I was not looking for that. I just wanted to share my experience in this great and loving forum.
I was not wearing the dress in my avatar nor did I wear my silicone forms.
I wore a padded bra under a one piece dress that was a few inches above the knee so I was perhaps looking sexy
But not slu@@y.
I thank all those who took their time to reply to my post as it shows genuine concern for me.
love you all,
yin

[t-girlxsophie]

Oh and by the way, there was no victim blaming at his trial, he went down for life but guess what, on his first day release from prison after 10 years he murdered another woman.

There's the failure of the British justice system right there.Life=10 years :angry:

Sophie

[Aunt Kelly]

Fact: Dressing provocatively will draw unwelcome attention.
Fact: Nobody should have to receive such unwanted attention.

Observing that the former is true does not negate the truth of the latter.

[DaisyLawrence]

There's the failure of the British justice system right there.Life=10 years :angry:

Sophie

Sophie, I'd tell you more but your inbox is full!

[Maria in heels]

Thats what happens when someone is drinking beer during the day and just sitting on the bench...no class and just a low life drunk

[Jean 103]

Hold on.

Drinking beer, outside on a bench. Outside a shopping area.

So what kind of people engage in this behavior?

You are going to live your life according to what street people think?

Depending on where you live street people are a fact of life.

I for one am not going to live my life by what these people think.

I understand if you don’t have a lot of experience with this kind of situation.

Most of these people are harmless, but it is best not to trust any of them.

Don’t even think to challenge me on this. I know some of these people.

You could call the police. Drinking in public is against the law in most places. Here they will just give him a ticket and make him go somewhere else. Pretty much a waste of time.

[docrobbysherry]

Here's the deal, I've been there:

In a crowd of folks the guy was likely flirting with u, or just drunk and shooting his mouth off.:drink:

But, when you're off all alone u feel threatened!

My answer is to stay away from possibly threatening vanilla venues at nite and never go alone!

[LilSissyStevie]

The difference between me and this lowlife is that I would have just thought it and kept my mouth shut.

[Tracii G]

Daisy and Di make good points even if you don't like to hear what they had to say.
Sure what the guy said was wrong we get that but that is the reality of life.
Yes you can say its wrong and it shouldn't be like that and sure you would be right again but the reality is its not like that in the real world and you have to deal with people like that.
Don't live in some fantasy world deal with reality and don't get all butthurt when reality steps in to wake you up.
Dressing how you want is fine we get that but use your brain and realize dress like a streewalker expect to be treated as one.
And again I agree it shouldn't be that way but it is.


PS disclaimer: I am not saying YOU were dressed as a street walker It was using that term metaphorically.

[JenniferMBlack]

A guy drinking beer in the day time on a bench at a shopping center makes a rude comment. Is anyone really surprised? I dont condone it but I am not going to pretend it doesn't happen. Fact is if you go out dressed you may get rude comments, be it sexual or just mean. Is it right no but it happens and there is nothing you can do to stop it. Most poeple have enough civility to not say things but there are those who don't.

Or maybe he just thinks you store you shoes upside down.