Like Connie, been there, done that. I call it rapid cycling dysphoria. You seem to be like a bouncing ball in a closed room that can't stop bouncing. Eight years ago I went through a really severe case of that right after I came out with the Big Reveal. As Helen says, shame plays a big part in it all because most of us have had to deal with that hidden shame for decades and it becomes a more or less permanent pattern in our thinking about our sense of self. You can't bury it no matter how much sand you throw on top of it. But there are a number of other things that are involved and many of those things come from your personal experiences in the course of your life that have had a big influence on your personal definition of who you are. Undoubtedly, some of those things are at great odds with the expectations others have for us. Those things just produce more conflict which provides the energy to keep the ball bouncing around in the room.

These are all things that are exceedingly difficult to solve yourself because you are the one afflicted with this pattern which in turn is cemented to some degree in your thinking. The problem patterns the solution to the problem. It is sort of like your car engine trying to change its own spark plugs to see if that is why it is not feeling or running smoothly. If that doesn't work then your engine tries something else. Meanwhile the poor running just gets more deeply set. It can become a downward spiral. Sometimes it is really hard to fix yourself when the problem is a part of "Yourself." You need someone outside of you to help you find a path. And I suspect that is why you posted this issue you have. Admitting there is a difficulty if half of the solution. You did yourself a favor by opening up to us.

I agree with Helen. I think you need to find a therapist to help guide you out of this pattern. To help you turn off the cycle and find a more straight pathway. And because it involves gender identity in some way it would be pointless to see a therapist and not reveal all the facts about how you think of yourself. The most important thing about therapy is to not hold anything back. If the therapist doesn't see the whole picture of YOU it is hard for them to help guide your thinking to find your way out of the cycle. A personal therapist would be good, but perhaps a gender therapist that does not focus on transition as the answer to all gender problems would maybe be better. But they are hard to find. Seeing a therapist soon is more important than being choosy about what they specialize in. You can always change if the two of you don't relate real well.

And ALWAYS REMEMBER, we are here to provide some support.