Reine, you scare me!...but in a good wayOriginally Posted by ReineD
So sorry for what your wife and you are going through.
But if I can offer a perspective from a mature (past 60) woman:
The prospect of losing a breast is not half as devastating now (let alone should this happen in my 70s!), as it would have been during my child-bearing years. There really is a season for everything and as we GGs age, we do place much more emphasis on our inner selves and on all the richness that life has to offer than on the exterior package. We no longer care so much about looking "sexy" at a party, or physically attracting a male should we become single again. Relationships in our 70s aren't nearly as physical as they used to be.I dare say that the prospect of losing a breast is much more devastating to you as a crossdresser. CDers have always given me the impression they prioritize feminine things and female body parts much, much more than do GGs.
Of course no one wants to lose any body part, but I do believe that your wife was able to pull herself together quickly and sign the documents once she got over the immediate shock that she has cancer because was able to realistically assess the situation. In her shoes, I would be grateful that it is only a breast, rather than a limb, eyesight, or hearing. Prosthetics are readily available and no one will ever be the wiser, since a prosthetic breast is always worn under clothing. I'm sure your wife knows that you will not love her less after her surgery. She may be worried that the cancer might spread, however.
So please don't feel bad for agreeing with the doctor. Any husband who loves his wife would choose the option that would extend her life. Breasts really are negligible once we are past the lactation stage, which your wife has been for 40 years!
I would like to comment on one of your statements, which I have seen expressed in this forum by many members over the years, and which may be the cause of you feeling bad:
The first point: while it is true that some wives see the femme side as competition, it is more about a competition for their husbands' attention. I've known many wives of CDers and a common complaint is simply how much more the CDing husband seems to enjoy the pretty things and dressing up, than simply the enjoyment of hanging out with his wife in guy mode the way he used to. Many wives feel that husbands prioritize the CDing over the wives and so it makes the wives feel sad (or angry).
The second point: no, no, no. I have never met a wife who felt that she could not "live up to" her husband's femme clothes or makeup. After all, these are things any wife can purchase for herself if she is at all interested in "competing" (which wives are not). Wives know they are women and there really is no competition between a GG and a CDer who presents as one. Nothing a CDing husband does will ever take away any GG's innate femininity.
An example: In my prior marriage, my ex had an affair with beautiful woman who was younger than me. Not once did her looks make me feel bad about who I was as a woman. I thought that my ex was a jerk for betraying me, but my image of myself was never affected by the way this woman looked. And she was a real GG! I disliked her for her lack of morals - her selfishness and callousness - she knew that my ex was married, and she knew me. I did not dislike her for her looks and I did not think myself less attractive just because my ex had sex with her.
So please do not project onto your wife how you think that wives feel about the CDing, as if your femme clothes/makeup/wigs/forms/jewelry/etc are somehow the cause of her feeling "less feminine", which you now imagine is compounded by the removal of her breast. This thought is more a reflection of your inner beliefs than her reality.
Just be there for her and tell her how much you love her and you appreciate her in your life. Don't even bring up the CDing, since it has nothing to do with the cancer she is facing. Although you might want to pamper her for a period of time when she recovers from surgery - I don't know what would work for you guys - breakfasts or coffee in bed? Making meals? Offering to do things that you know she hates doing? Surprising her with flowers or something else she would see as a treat?
I send my best wishes to you both, Leslie.
Before I elaborate on that (somewhat provocative, yet tongue-in-cheek) statement, let me begin by extending my heartfelt thanks for the time you took to write your lengthy response, as well as for all the wisdom that you imparted therein. You have hit so many nails on the head, I don't even know where to begin.
As for the "scary" part...even though you have never met my wife, my jaw began dropping ever lower as you described the range of emotions that she might be experiencing at this time. Not only were you 100% accurate in your assessments, it was as if your words had come directly out of her mouth instead based on the discussions she and I have already had.
The thought of losing a breast at her age (early 70's) - although clearly troubling - was not as traumatic as it would have been had it happened at an earlier stage of her life by my wife's own admission. She has begun to look at this whole thing philosophically, and is now grateful that her breasts were intact while they still mattered. It had always been very important to her to be able to breastfeed our two children while they were babies, and she did that admirably. The way she now looks at it, her breasts did their "job", and the rest is incidental. Joining a number of online breast cancer survivor support groups as well as tapping into similar community-based breast cancer support groups has also been a bit of an education for her. They have provided her, with among other things, specialty bras designed for mastectomy patients as well as soft knitted temporary breast forms to wear during the early stages of healing ("knitted knockers" as those ladies affectionately call them). This outreach has also put my wife into contact with younger women of the type that you have described and who lost their breast(s) in their 30's and 40's but are still within the dating and/or relationship forming demographic, or else are still in their child-bearing years. If anything, my wife now considers herself lucky that if this really was destined to happen, she is grateful that it was in the twilight years of her life rather than during early adulthood. And as you have so rightly pointed out, the idea of losing a breast is of far less consequence than taking the necessary steps towards dealing in a direct and forthright manner with the primary objective - eradicating this cancer and hopefully getting it to stop in its tracks. That is exactly how my wife sees it, and therefore never having had a second thought over consenting to a full mastectomy as opposed to a possible partial one. She wants to continue to live and see her grandchildren grow into adults to the degree that she can control this outcome.
Another "plus" in my wife's eyes is that she was never overly-endowed in that department in the first place, so the contrast between what she has left on one side of her chest compared with the intact breast is not as stark as if she had been, say, a 40DD or the like, and which might have been much more troubling to a woman in that situation. She has already seen the healing wound along with the stitches when the visiting community nurses have come to our house to change the dressing, and was not freaked out by that visual. If anything, she is quite pleased with the way it turned out all things considered, and with what a neat job the surgeon did in minimizing the extent of the incision and associated surgical intervention. So on that basis, I believe that we have already overcome one of the major hurdles on the road to full acceptance of the mastectomy procedure.
Right now, I am doing all I can to be supportive of my wife - both physically and emotionally - and precisely as you have recommended. And again, you are exactly on point here. My wife sees that, is deeply appreciative of my efforts, and if anything, facing this unexpected challenge together (probably the biggest and most far-reaching one of our lives to date, notwithstanding my father's suicide years ago) is causing us to draw upon strengths we likely never knew we possessed. This can only serve to draw us closer and strengthen our marriage even more...the proverbial "silver lining".
So again, Reine, thank you so much for your insight and wisdom to help us make some sense of our current situation as we navigate through it...and also for showing that you truly care, even if we are only "virtual" friends within the context of this Forum.
