Advice on feelings

[Scarlett1975]

Hi everyone,
I could use some advice, happy to hear all points of view.
I've been Cross dressing for many years and underdressing daily and feminising my self as much as possible without 100% transition.
I have a wife of 10 years who is supportive of my journey , I have 3 children under 9. Although we agree hormones are not on the cards right now as we both enjoy the male sexual function.
That being said I am dressing and using makeup more that people including my daughter's have on occasion noticed. I work for myself and both my wife and myself are very concerned about the knock on effects of transition to full time.i have my first theropy session with specialist this week and hope for some clarity. I continually question "who" I am.
I've never been a boys boy, not into sports, suffered from severe depression before allowing myself to explore dressing and presenting as female. I have friends that are cross dressers but are 100% happy for that to be the end for them. I am not how ever , I feel I need to transition but am completely torn as to the concequences. I'm no longer depressed I guess just confused.
My wife and I go out nearly every week for our special girl dates and apart from the occasional smart remark and the confused looks it's when I'm most centred and happy. Sorry for the rambling but would love to hear others thoughts on my situation .

[mbmeen12]

It sounds like your in a good place hun...Wife, counseling, healthy family ... I would work with therapy and wait for the kids get older but still let Scarlett grow into a flower.

[Scarlett1975]

Thankyou for the warm reply, I guess I'll keep moving forward until I can't anymore

[Teresa]

Scarlett,
The important point is you are seeing a therapist , I would be as open and honest with them as you can be , don't hold back but don't BS them either , you are paying them good money to discover yourself . There is a great deal of fear associated with being TG , much of it you will find is in your head and not reality . You have a very supportive wife but don't overdo that support as she has quite a balancing act herself now with young children as well as the implications of gradually coming to terms with you being TG .

At the moment take one step at a time , you are thinking you need hormones and possibly more but you still have to find yourself and the balance that goes with it .

I'm sure you don't need telling you have the same responsiblities to your family no matter how you dress , I know how tough that can be , most of us have been there and lived it .

[Nadine Spirit]

...... I guess I'll keep moving forward until I can't anymore

What does this mean? I suppose it means that you will transition until it affects your "male sexual function" and then you'll stop? If that were the case for me, then I would not have stopped yet, lol. I changed my hormones 3.5 years ago, have super high E levels and take a bunch of progesterone, oh and yeah I had an orchiectomy about 1.5 years ago, and I have yet to lose the "male sexual function." I also legally and socially and anything else-ly transitioned about 2.5 years ago, so? Will you go that far?

I personally had no idea that I would be where I am today. But once I got a taste of true happiness and fulfillment well then I thought, maybe I could get just a bit more. So...... my GCS will be in June of 22. I had no idea that is where I would want to go, but now I want it SO bad!

Anywho, therapy, hopefully with a WPATH gender specialist, that is truly a great place to start discovering.

[Katya@]

I started transitioning with two kids under age of 9. Kids are totally fine. They know who transgender people are and what it means. I am their dad and that doesn't change. My wife has gradually accepted me while I was transitioning but we never had "girls night out". I feel like your wife maybe less stressed out about it. With that being said, her attitude may change if you to start the hormones and/or full social transition. Just keep in mind. Hormones did take a toll on my sexual performance but don't make it impossible. Also, you still can use prescription like viagra and alike if things are not as they wish to be. You also may transitioning socially and do nothing medically. That's totally fine too. The question is - would that be enough for you? I found it hard to answer how much is enough as this has been a moving target towards more transition. A lot of unknowns and hard to plan everything to the end. Instead, take one step at a time and moving slowly can make it easier on those around you.

[Angela Marie]

I identify as transgender but I have no plans to transition. My age, 66, and familial constraints are the roadblock. While my wife is ok with my dressing she would draw the line on transitioning. But I can't complain. Everyone is different. If I had been born 30 years later it would have been much easier, but alas that was not the case. But I have a lovely wife, number 2, two great children and grandchildren. We always don't get what we want in life but overall i'm very satisfied with the path it laid out for me.

[Wen4cd]

My advice is 'never trust a therapist,' (but that's not going to be a popular opinion here.)

Just live how you want to live, it's only the one life you get...enjoy it on your own terms.

[Aunt Kelly]

Therapy, if approached with complete honesty (to both the therapist and yourself), will be immensely helpful. Gender identity is far too complex to just "live how you want to live" and expect things to resolve themselves. That said, being willing to find and embrace your authentic self is a must. She (he/they) is there, but you're going to want to do the work to "find yourself".

[Scarlett1975]

I meant until I can't look in the mirror and not cry for not being true to myself, right now i can as I know it's best for the kids. I don't take hormones or havnt looked into it as I read it negatively effects erections ? My wife and I still enjoy a healthy sex life and I can't risk changing that.

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Thankyou girls for the replies, I will report back after my therapy session

[Dorit]

I transitioned at seventy with about eight grandchildren under 9 years of age. I say "about" because I now have 11 and do not remember exactly who was there and at what ages! No problem whatsoever with the young ones; easy, thoughtless acceptance. It is the grownups that give easy, thoughtless rejection. Of course children are different than grandchildren. I wish you the best!

[JeanTG]

@Scarlett1975

I can say that yes, hormones affect erections. In my case no more spontaneous ones. With a lot of patience and stimulation it's still possible to get one, but it might not last enough for intercourse; I wouldn't know, I haven't tried. That said, there's Viagra, Cialis, etc.

The desire though, also goes way down. In both cases that's not a bad thing. Erections would just be a reminder that I'm not where I need to be. My wife has also lost interest in sex especially with someone who is trans, even if presenting as male.

To me it boils down to a matter where feel you need to be. If you need to become the woman in body that you already believe yourself to be in mind, you'll accept the sacrifices to get there, and do what it takes.

It's a personal decision, and thus not one where there is a "right" or "wrong". The one you make for yourself is the right decision, and changing your mind too is OK.

[Scarlett1975]

First session out of way, was quite good actu ally , he said he was expecting from my emails someone who was confused but said I was clearly sure I am a trans female which was nice.

[Devi SM]

So Scarlett, if I can ask, always the therapy sessions end with a homework or a thought about what's next so something is next, what was the result and what's next?

[Scarlett1975]

I havnt got the homework yet but it's coming lol. Next is visit doctor to discuss hrt and trans women support group I believe.

[Jodie_Lynn]

@Scarlett1975....

I'm not sure what your OP has to do with "feelings".

You have a spouse who supports you ( so far ), and you are in therapy.

So what, actually, is your question?

[Scarlett1975]

I have numerous questions maybe not that well spelled out. The initial question was who am I? I don't feel.i fit in exactly anywhere . Other questions may be has anyone cone out with small children ? How did that go? Has anyone made a similar marriage with kids whilst running a predominately male business work long term? Again was asking advice on how I feel based on readers thoughts .

[Aunt Kelly]

Scarlett,
First of all, let me be clear that I am not judging or invalidating your feelings. I am, however, confused and concerned. Concerned, because no qualified therapist would offer such a diagnosis after a single session, especially given the particular things you've described in your OP. Wanting to maintain a functioning male sex organ does not line up with the definition of "transsexual". That's fine. Really. You're non-binary, or gender non-conforming, or whatever label you fell comfortable with, but your OP does not describe signs and symptoms of ICD-10 F64.9.
You've decided to pursue therapy to sort things out. My advice is to find another therapist, one who is actually qualified to deal gender identity issues.

[Teresa]

Scarlett,
As far as children are concerned I've put my foot in it in the past , all I can say now is you know your children and family situation better than anyone , only you can truly answer what damage or otherwise might happen once you've taken that step . The one question to consider is , " Do my children need to suffer because of my actions ?" If you have any doubts then don't tell them .

Basically you aren't different from many of us , we have had to face your situation and deal with it but no one can can give you a definitive answer as our circumstances are all different . Perhaps Aunt Kelly is correct or pehaps you just need to see a relations consellor to sort the basic questions in your marriage .

[Ann Louise]

As a sailor for many years, the best analogy I can describe is making an ocean crossing on a small sail boat. Make no mistake, you are undertaking a journey to another land. This is not a round trip. Since you will be at sea for a long, long time, you will be in and out of communication with some folks, and entirely lose touch with others as you sail further and further away. Storms, large and small, appear suddenly on the horizon, some of little consequence, some pushing you far off course, so far that you might not reach your intended destination for a long, long time, if ever.

You might even end up in a place you never expected, and perhaps never even heard of before. Still, there it is. Land, You see it, smell it, and as you reach the shore, hear it. You made it! No more seas and swells! No big waves! But it's a foreign country, and as you walk the streets and drive the roads of your new land, find the language is different, customs are different, the people are different. Most everything is different than you might have expected initially.

Did others accompany you on your journey across? Family, best friends, and acquaintances? How do they like it here? Some, it seems, are whole-heartedly with you, even now. But the grumblers down in the foc'scle? Did some jump ship half-way across? Are you catching some who made it here with you thumbing through travel brochures to back home? Return tickets in their back pockets?

Don't be surprised when you find that the place you traveled to isn't exactly what you expected. Nor that many, or perhaps any, of your shipmates will hang around your new home port long enough to even learn the language. Those that actually do are worth their weight in gold, and worth all the respect and love you can give them - don't ever stop giving it to them. Those that don't? They are past, for good or bad, but past.

A successful sailor learns from the past, and plans for the future, but, to survive the crossing, must accept whatever comes from windward.

Right now, real time, JUST THIS.

Each and every moment.

[Dutchess]

I dont ever comment in the area much but as the long time ( 10 year ) SO to a person who was on hormones and who did think he needed to transition I just want to implore you to take Aunt Kelly's advice as well as Teresa's about your responsibilities no matter how you present .

In my case, the hormones wrecked our sex life and was something neither of us liked but more importantly. His "gender counselor " who was also a mtf person , sounds alot like what you are describing and caused so much chaos and grief that he eventually lost his life because this person was so focused on being a "yes person " that they did not care to address what all had gone on in his life to cause him to think that something as drastic as transition was needed . That step is very important .

He knew all the right key words- just like many do - and that's really all it took.
Alot of the long timers in this section very correctly advise to make sure your mind is right first . I don't know you and I don't know what is going on in your life but after one session with this person , you are ready to start hrt after you just said you didn't want to do that ( for good reasons too ) . You need to really explore everything going on in your life .
Too many of these gender counselors seem to just go along instead of really examine things .

[Scarlett1975]

Love the sailing analogy seems super appropriate.
I'm not starting hrt rather I am ready to have a discussion with a doctor about it. As for kids and family yes that is the hardest part and seems to be an unanswerable question at this point. Thank you for all points of view I do appreciate them. I have a lot of reading to do as emailed from councilor and actually I liked him. I plan on going on a face to face meeting or session to see how I feel. At the moment my wife and I are working through our boundaries and hopes and dreams for the future but rest assured there will be no rash decisions on coming out full time. I see this as a slow journey but as long as I'm going in right direction then that s the best I can do at the moment.. in relation to definition of trans women I'm quite certain my situation is not unique

[Katya@]

Ann Louis - may I use in quotes your analogy to my friends on FB? Never seen anything that beautiful.

Scarlett,
About boundaries with your wife. Be careful with those. I have been and still am keep pushing forward. I never set the boundaries but had I have them, they would've been nothing but another reason for a conflict.

[Sometimes Steffi]

I've gone to several different therapists, all female. I always felt that I could open up to a female therapist more freely. Therapy is supposed to be a "judgement-free zone." I couldn't get past the judgement that I expected to receive from a male therapist.

All the therapists took a different approach, but I attended many of the therapy sessions dressed.

One therapist I met first in make mode. At the end of that session she said, "You're gay, but don't worry about it. It's OK to be gay." I didn't believe her, but I took it under advisement. Since I was "gay", I should be romantically/sexually attracted to men. So, I surreptitiously checked on the men in the locker room at the gym. I was not attracted to men at all. Not gay.

For the second session, I went dressed. She almost didn't recognize me. I went to her weekly for about 2 to 3 months. Each time I was dressed, and dressed differently. Once I went dressed in a leather miniskirt that was so short that I was embarassed, even with my legs kept together. Eventually, I figured out that I wasn't learning anything about myself, so I stopped seeing her. It was hard giving up my weekly dressing sessions with a GG, but I couldn't see spending money at an hourly rate to have a GG see me dressed.

YMMV

[Teresa]

Steffi ,
That raises the point that I asked my gender counsellor , " Am I using her and these sessions as a validation for my dressing ?" Whose benefit was wearing the leather mini skirt for ?

I never got round to dressing for my counsellor but I still raised that question , she was professional enough to see through that .

I feel you counsellor was out of order suggesting you were gay , surely it was up to you to approach the question with her , so you could talk it through