Married CD-ers: How much does your Spouse know?

[Teresa.Smith.VA]

TheHiddenMe made some very fine points in her comment, especially those related to men cross dressing to attract men.

[Judy-Somthing]

I don't think she knows due to learning how to hide my dressing.

I don't like that I have this secret life but as far as I can see she gives me no choice if I want to stay married.

[Jodie_Lynn]

First, let me thank all who responded to this thread, it tells me that my small contributions are of some value to the community. Thank you!

Second, it is very comforting to see that so many are open with their spouses, and even if the result is not all that was hoped for, honesty & communication are very important for a strong relationship.

I would also like to apologize to anyone who was offended by my use of the word "prance", it was not meant to be derogatory and I probably should have used another term, but I couldn't think of one. I live full time, and when I get a new dress or skirt, I like to see how it moves and flows, so yeah, I prance & primp in front of the mirror too! Same with shoes, you have to break them in, so what better way than to practice my catwalk.

As for the "relieving the tension" comment, we all know that for many, dressing is a sexually stimulating adventure, ending in a quick shedding of womenswear as soon as the person reaches the...uhm... er... 'peak' of the moment? And I hope that I am not coming across as degrading or demeaning by bringing up the subject. We all have our reasons for why this is important to us, yes?

[SIZE=1]- - - Updated - - -[/SIZE]

My wife knows I dress; my clothes are in our walk-in closet. Does she know I dress sometimes when I go out of town (like recently when I went to Milwaukee for a couple triathlons)? Maybe? Do I want to rub her nose in it? No. So we don't talk about it.



How insulting.



Your assumptions are inaccurate and insulting to many on this board.

So you are insulted? By what, exactly? I NEVER stated that this applied to ALL crossdressers. A line from Shakespeare comes to mind, I'll let you figure out which one. HINT: it's about protesting...

You also chose to nitpick my sentence about women dressing to attract a mate, and chastised me for stating that the mate would be a male. You were right. I should have left it at "attracting a mate", but are you suggesting that 50% or more GG's are lesbians? If so, please present your evidence.

And you have proven the point of my questions by stating that you go out, dressed, when out of town, and are unsure whether your spouse knows or not. But as long as you 'don't rub her nose in it', it's OK? And if I may be so bold as to ask: WHERE do you go, when out of town & dressed? And WHAT do you do? Your spouse knows about your crossdressing, but not the extent of it ( you hope ).

Personally, I don't give a fart in a firefight what you or anyone else does in regards to crossdressing or anything else, as long as it harms no one. And that includes deceiving your spouse about the extent of your crossdressing activities in regards to harm.

It's like saying: "My spouse knows I spend $25 a week on lottery tickets, but she doesn't know I spend $100 a week at the casino..." A Lie of Omission is still a lie.

And to illustrate how people ( women especially ) are more observant than we think....

I had purchased a pair of women's jeans. My wife knew and said they looked good on me, and she was dead set against crossdressing! They were light blue, slight flare at the ankle, with ZERO feminine stitching or anything else. Except for.... the pockets. They were typical of women's jeans, small and almost useless. The three of us ( me, wife, daughter, who was 14 ) were going to a family event, I was wearing those jeans, and as we walked to the car, my daughter asked: "Are those women's jeans?" Not missing a heartbeat, I responded: "No, they are my jeans."

I post that to illustrate how people are more perspective than we think. And we are not as clever as we think when it comes to hiding things. And women, young or old, seem to have an uncanny knack for deducing more than is apparent.

And so, 'TheHiddenMe', you can take your unrighteous indignation and shove it into a deep dark pit of deception. And I sincerely hope that your spouse never discovers your deception.

[TheHiddenMe]

I don?t know, where do I go?

Maybe here?

https://www.kandis-land.com/birthday-boys-part-2/

Or you could read about it here?

https://www.kandis-land.com/author/dee/

Or one of the 75 or so threads I've written on the picture forum?

FYI, I go out when I'm out of town. I go out when I'm in town. My wife knows about my going out; not all of the time, because she has told me to "lie to her".

When you use terms like prance, you are insulting the members here.

When you write that people dress to masturbate, you are insulting the members here. Maybe some do, but it?s none of your business.

When you write that members here dress up simply to attract men for sex, you are insulting the members here.

When you write that women go out to attract men, you are insulting women--because they might want to go out simply to have a good time.

Lots of members here wish they could go out dressed. I did too, until I read stories here and decided if they could, I could. I tell my stories about going out, and people have written numerous favorable comments, both here and at Kandi's.

You wrote the original post, asking for comments. My comments were that your post was inaccurate and insulting. Your answer proves my point.

[Pumped]

I believe you are taking Jodie's post to literally.

There certainly are members here that fit her comments, but I don't believe she meant we all fit her comments.

There are CD'ers that are gay and want to attract men, there are CD'ers that prance around and act all fem, there are CD'ers that dress for the sexual release, but of course not all do. All of her points get discussed here regularly so I don't get the "insult".

[TheHiddenMe]

Here is the money quote:

IF your wife knows that you crossdress, does she know that you fantasize ( or at least think about ) being in the arms of a man, dancing, kissing, and going to bed with him? I know, I know, you may never in a million years actually DO that, but you think about it, don't you? It's one of the aspects of dressing pretty, isn't it? I mean, WHO, are you dressing up for? Yourself? Ok, fine. If you stay in your room, prance around, take a few pics, and then >ahem< 'relieve the tension', that's your business.

So if someone crossdresses, and their wife knows about it, it MUST be to attract a man? Isn’t that her statement verbatim?

Jodie_Lynn could have asked the question about members' motives for dressing and going out, but she assumes IN HER QUESTION it's only for ONE purpose--and the same for women too.

Surveys show that about 5% of the population is gay/lesbian or bi, so for every ONE person who is interested in same sex relationships, there are NINETEEN that aren't. So to suggest that everyone on this board fantasizes about that--which is exactly what she states--is contradicted by the facts.

[Pumped]

Again, I think you are taking her comments to literally. I don't believe she thinks all CD'ers feel that way, certainly some do. I don't take it that way.

[Jodie_Lynn]

Here is the money quote:



So if someone crossdresses, and their wife knows about it, it MUST be to attract a man? Isn’t that her statement verbatim?

Jodie_Lynn could have asked the question about members' motives for dressing and going out, but she assumes IN HER QUESTION it's only for ONE purpose--and the same for women too.

Surveys show that about 5% of the population is gay/lesbian or bi, so for every ONE person who is interested in same sex relationships, there are NINETEEN that aren't. So to suggest that everyone on this board fantasizes about that--which is exactly what she states--is contradicted by the facts.

And may I suggest that you take a chill pill? Point out where I stated that ALL cd-ers are looking for sex with a man. Also, please cite your references for the "5% of the population is gay/lesbian or bi".

From your very hostile responses, it would appear that a nerve was struck. IMHO.

Regardless, you go on and have a great life. I'll ignore you, if you ignore me.

[Rachelakld]

I started crossdressing at the age of 4, because the girl next door was pretty and I wanted to be like her, not "to get a man"
Anyone else here, start at the age of 4 or 5 "to get sex from a man?".

Okay, I wore my sisters Tutu and was seen by my whole family, soon after my mum allowed me to wear female pyjamas (age 6) and at the age of 12 she got me a night dress (long t-shirt with a pretty picture on the front) - non of these things were to get me a man.

Being male gave me privilages when it came to career (military), but the female within still wanted a life.

I know quite a few gays, who go to bars to find men, but NON of them dress as females

It's actually easier to "get with a man" when your dressed as a man - I saw reviews from a gay club, so many gay men "complaining" about crossdressers attending when they just wanted a man.

[Kris Burton]

I'm really sorry to see that this thread became a flame battle. Personally, I took Jodie's original post with a light heart, and responded that way...so I'm quite surprised and yes, disappointed. Hostility limits participation and invites further hostility. That is all.

[char GG]

MOD NOTE/WARNING

Stop the back and forth bickering. If you want to respond to each other, take it to PM and don't cause the thread to be closed because some don't agree with each other. Anything else about the disputed topic will be deleted.

[MonicaPVD]

This is a quite entertaining thread. I would love to believe that my wife knows nothing, but she's much smarter and more perceptive than I am and I have to assume that she has simply adopted a DADT attitude. I don't do anything at home and don't keep any of my Monica things at home, either.

The endless debate over what % of what we do is gay or bi is obsolete in my opinion. You do whatever makes you happy or brings you fulfillment. I don't have to justify the fact that I am a mostly hetero guy who enjoys the company and attention of men when dressed as a woman. For me it's simply the completion of the role and its quite enjoyable. That's all. Whether that makes me gay or bi or extraterrestrial is besides the point. I enjoy what I do when I do it, and I also enjoy being a boring average hetero guy who is married to a wonderful person.

[Krisi]

My wife knows I dress and I occasionally dress when she is around. She doesn't know that I have been out in public a few times when she was out of town.

I don't pack suitcases and travel to go out as a woman and I don't have fantasies of being with a man or even kissing a man.

[tifftg]

I don't think she knows due to learning how to hide my dressing.

I don't like that I have this secret life but as far as I can see she gives me no choice if I want to stay married.

My story is pretty much the same as Judy-Something. I had a confessional moment about 10 years ago when I forgot about some makeup brushes I had taken out and left in a drawer while she was out of town. She knows I have dressed, suspects I do a lot and does not really want to know more. I am very very careful and rarely get the opportunity in these Covid everyone is home time. Doing what I can within the needs I feel I have to keep my marriage together.

[ReineD]

It's interesting how your post is about whether wives know about the fantasies of being with men, yet many thread responses skirted around that beautifully - while not denying it either. I've also noticed over the years both how often this seems to come up here and the sheer number of hits these threads get when members prefer to read them even if they choose to not respond. So I don't blame wives for wondering how "straight" are their CDing husbands.

To respond to your question directly, I can say that in the beginning I also assumed that most CDers were attracted to men. And I used to get upset when my SO dressed in a manner specifically designed to make men's heads turn (tight, short dresses with heels, etc). But, I chose to believe my SO when he told me that he wasn't interested. He had fantasized about being with men before he met me and he did have sex with a man to see if it might fit, but he discovered that the reality of the experience did not measure up to the fantasy. And so he determined that it wasn't for him. I strongly recommend experimentation for anyone who has these fantasies. It's the only way to dispel any mystique about having sex with a man while you're presenting as a woman - that is, assuming you're straight. Obviously, latent gay men would enjoy it.

So over the years I've come to understand that fantasies of being with men are rather common among CDing men, but as one member above put it, it's more about enhancing a feminine-feeling, or rather, flooding the system with endorphins (like putting on the clothes) than an actual attraction to men.

As an aside, I'd like set the record straight on something else you wrote:

Ask any of the GG's on this site and they will tell you that when they go to a function, they are dressing to impress the other women. Unless they are single and looking for a mate, THEN they dress to entice & seduce men.

This is just so not true! I have never dressed for other women. My friends don't dress for women. My daughters-in-law don't dress for women. Believe me, I've asked, after having read this so often here. Most of us are confident enough in ourselves to not need other women as a barometer. I'm guessing that if a woman dresses for other women, she would have serious self-esteem issues - and the people who believe that this applies to most of us have fallen prey to myths and stereotypes.

If you're at all interested, I can tell you what motivates my choices in clothing: When younger, yes I dressed to be attractive to men when I went out. But there is an age for everything and eventually I settled in a relationship. I then dressed to present a professional and polished appearance at work. As I aged, I dressed to minimize signs of aging and I did my best to remain contemporary, yet steer clear from trends. I never dressed to show off boobs, legs, derriere, etc, even when younger. I saw myself as a great deal more than a collection of body parts, and I found that most men responded quite well to what was left to the imagination. At times, when meeting a client for example, I also dressed to reflect power and material success (not unlike the motive for men to dress up). Now I dress casually and comfortably. I still do dress up on rare occasions when circumstances dictate, but this happens less and less. Most people I know don't really dress up anymore, but this could be a side effect of living in a small town. I can't tell you the last time I saw a man wearing a suit and tie, or a woman in heels.

I don't know why so many CDers like to believe that we dress for other women. It's not the first time I've read this here.

Edited to add:

I have to admit that the unfavorable assumptions many CDers make about GGs is a pet peeve, and so I feel the need to try to set the record straight even more. lol

If you think about it, what would possibly be a motive for women wanting to impress one another. Would they want to show how much better off they are financially with expensive clothing and jewelry? That seems rather small-minded. Or what might be a motive to show another woman how much more attractive one thinks one is. This seems petty and self-centered as well, not to mention that we all have different personalities and styles, our own aesthetic preferences, and I might not choose for myself what another woman thinks is the epitome of an elegant or sexy outfit.

I suppose an argument might exist in favor of women vying with one another for a particular man's attention. They might then try to "outdo" each other in an attempt to dress in what they think is the best way to get that man's attention. But although I've seen this in movies, it's not something that I have personally experienced or witnessed. Maybe the CDers who think that we dress to impress other women fundamentally believe that most women are petty, self-centered children?

[BillieAnneJean]

I keep no secrets from my SO. Besides she is more important to me than anything. I believe that is the foundation of a great relationship.

I was a late bloomer. I started after we had been married a long time.

Before I started I asked her for her ok. That ok was a process. Mostly because she found a LOT of narcissism in the online words of CDers. I had to convince her that contrary to what she sees online, I will always tell her the truth.

Once I proved to her that she would always come first, and she always will, then she became quite supportive.

How can a person hurt someone loving and trusting?

Besides, nothing imagined could ever compare to the real thing. And I get to be with her.

[char GG]

Reine said this very eloquently...

I don't know of any women in my circle of friends/co-workers that dress for "other women". Most are strong women and confident in themselves and their ability to dress in what they feel is appropriate for them. Meaning, that we dress for ourselves. Not for other women or men.

We also dress for the occasion. Clothes to run to the grocery store are different than those to go to a formal event.

Maybe some single ladies are dressing to attract someone's (anyone's) attention but I don't personally know them. The more a woman gains confidence, the more she creates her own style.

Back to the OP:

My SO has kept me informed all through his CD journey. This was the result of lots of communication. My opinion is that it's a rare woman who would rather have her husband keep secrets or have to give a warning call/text as to when she is returning to her own home. I wouldn't stand for that. However, everyone has their own system that works for them.

[Dutchess]

If Im only going to be around other ladies only I dont care at all . I'm just super super straight . I have my own bohemian/Carnaby street style I've kept 45 years. My parts are covered , showing stuff/too short/too tight at my age sends a pathetic message. I dont want men thinking of me that way .

My ex husband oh boy , could not tell the truth even if the truth was better . He learned to do this from years of hiding and lying about who he really was and even though I asked him before we married he still lied about it completely . I caught him a few years later . He was another one who insisted and STILL insists he is totally straight yet really gets into advertising himself all social media in lingerie to other males / transfolk and had a VERY active online sex life with chasers and other trans/cd folk , so much so that I finally was left out completely . I just simply didnt have the right parts .
If I asked him about this he would blame me for not wanting sex ,, which I see here alot too so I really wonder..I finally got tired of it and we had separate rooms. He would not disuss it any further .

The thing was is that he was ok with all this behavior and really enjoyed his hidden/second life but when I would pose the prospect of an open marriage ( I was trying to remain together for my youngest child ) he would explode ...
so .. I was to put up with all the chasers and his extra activity with cd'ers ad transfolk but literally stay alone in my room or by myself through the rest of my life . I finally declined and he was still very shocked and very angry . My counselor helped me see that I was a cover for him to his family and friends back in the Netherlands . When I left home and went with Kat I was still accused of cheating .. so it was going to be really bad for me no matter what . He can do whatever with who ever ..but I had to stay a nun ...

I know I m not alone ,, there are some here who know exactly what I am talking about too .
I hope my words help someone do better.

[OrdinaryAverageGuy]

My wife pretty much knows all. She knows I like and prefer "women's" clothes, both for comfort and for appearance, although she doesn't understand why I like to wear a bra. She knows I have no desire to become a woman, or to be with a man, although she knows that if there was some sci-fi or Harry Potter magic way of switching places for a weekend I'd be all for it. She knows I'd love to have real boobs, but she also knows that I know that to be unrealistic. She's said that if I got them she'd still love me, we've talked about fantasy methods of getting them, such as a million dollar bet (she also told me then that if the haggling takes that figure down to a half million I'd damn well better get them anyway!) We've talked about minor makeup, like eyes and such, but she also knows that I'm not going to buy the stuff myself so it's up to her, and since she keeps not buying it I'm guessing she really doesn't want to deal with that. She's so used to me wearing little things like a toe ring and an anklet that she doesn't even notice them anymore, even if we're going out (once she did and congratulated me on leaving the anklet on). She knows I sometimes drive "comfy" and she knows I'm getting waxed later this week. And she gives me hand-me-downs, including lingerie.
Yeah, she pretty much knows all.

[MichaelM]

Everything.

Having lied about it for a number of years, when it came out, I had to get it all out in the open.

Horrible for her to hear. Horrible for me to talk about. But very cathartic once out in the open.

But then I'm pretty mild on the crossdressing scale.

[Jodie_Lynn]

Just to clarify a point that seems to be misconstrued, when I said that women dress for other women, it was NOT meant in any kind of sexual way, but that they sometimes dress to compete with, or impress other women.

One of my co-workers had to attend 3 wedding in a 10 day period, and quite a few people would also be attending all 3 weddings. She had 5 dresses she was agonizing over, and asked my opinion of which 3 she should wear. Because, she couldn't let everyone see her in the same dress at all three events. Meaning other women, because most guys are pretty clueless about these things. I mean, many guys can get away with wearing the same suit to every occasion, but if a woman wore the same dress/gown to an event, tongues would be wagging.

Apologies for any confusion, sometimes my brain works faster than my fingers, and I assume people are in tune with my thoughts.

[DianeT]

Jodie, regarding women dressing to impress other women, the answers you got from Reine and Char didn't allude to anything sexual. They simply opposed the very assumption you made (and that a lot of crossdressers here tend to make as well). Reinie through her description of her own lifelong evolution in dressing sampled for you the various reasons why a woman can dress a way or another. Your example with the wedding is very specific and can't be generalized, especially if we are talking daily routines.

[kimmy p]

My wife knows almost everything. Only thing I keep to myself is that I would love to have real breasts. But that is not feasible anyways so....

p.s.---- Yes I want to keep all my boy bits. I am fond of them.

[TheHiddenMe]

MOD NOTE/WARNING

Stop the back and forth bickering. If you want to respond to each other, take it to PM and don't cause the thread to be closed because some don't agree with each other. Anything else about the disputed topic will be deleted.

Duly noted.

Also, please cite your references for the "5% of the population is gay/lesbian or bi".

The Gallup poll is referenced here.

https://www.crossdressers.com/forums...are&highlight=

[Stephanie Voorhees]

My wife knows everything 100%. I hide nothing from her. See fully supports me and has even told me she would be with me, even if I transitioned, which I'd like to do, but it's just not feasible.