do you care if you pass....

[prene]

Yes, I care.
I just want to blend in and from afar I hope I do.
But I am almost 6' and put on a few lbs, therefore so I don't pass, but I always try.

[ColleenA]

IMO many on this site dress (or show images) far more 'Feminine' / 'Sexual' / 'Provocative' than the average GG you / I see at the local mall. .... I can spend hr's (there) w/o viewing a GG wearing a dress (skirt) or heels.

First off, ronny's statement reminds me of a joke I heard a few decades ago: How can you spot the crossdresser in a group of women? She's the one wearing a dress.

As to the main question: I am learning right now not to care.
For more than 40 years, I never went out. I knew I could never pass and feared risking the consequences. That sort of began to change in 2015. That was the year I began going out dressed as often as I could - but only from October 29th to 31st, when I could fall back on the excuse "It's a Halloween costume." Every year I took those days as vacation to maximize my time out.

Two things have recently changed so that I have now started going out - a lot!

The first happened on Halloween itself. I was in one of my favorite thrift stores shopping for clothes. At one point, just as I was passed by a small group of teens, I heard some snickering. Fearful, I immediately assumed one of them was laughing at this man all dressed up. It occurred to me that if some of my facial features were covered, I might not be clocked so fast. **A light bulb went on.** Just wear my Covid mask anytime I go out. It can't address every tell, certainly, but at least it will blunt one of the most obvious when someone is in my vicinity.

The second happened two months ago. I attended a Disney-themed party as Cinderella. I had been lucky to find a wonderfully comfortable pair of shoes for the costume. Usually, I would buy shoes at a thrift store in drab - and hurriedly buy most any marginally adequate pair; and too often they were uncomfortable. The day after the party, I saw a co-worker with shoes similar to my costume's. Suddenly, I had to find more, comfortable shoes. On my next day off, I decided to venture out as Colleen to shop for shoes (thank you, mask). However, being winter, the weather was cold and wet. As we all know, dresses and skirts are forbidden to men - thus, those were about the only outer garments I had in my wardrobe. Well, it would look odd on such a dreary day for a woman to be wearing a dress. I decided to borrow a pair of slacks from my SO. Since I have trouble tucking completely, I decided to also borrow a long-ish top from her, one that easily covered my crotch area.

I got to the store and noticed that I was dressed similar to virtually every other woman there - casual top, jeans or slacks, basic shoes, jacket or sweater. Since I was not a dude looking at ladies shoes, I didn't have to rush this time. I blended in just fine, so I casually tried on shoes (and bought three pairs).

That outing opened a door I had never dared approach before - going out wearing ladies slacks. And since I was now dressed like 98% of women doing everyday things, I didn't have to care if I passed, only that I didn't stand out. **mind blown** Since then, I have gone out at least seven times without drawing undue attention to myself. Most of the outings have been to shop for my own separates - long tops, as well as pairs of jeans, slacks, and now leggings (wow, they are sooooo comfortable). But the trips have also included restaurants - sit down and fast food - grocery stores, the park, and the library. And of course, I still employ plenty of other cues that help indicate to the casual observer that I'm just a woman going about her day - nail polish, jewelry, scarves, etc. Meanwhile, I now plan on going out at least twice a month - whether in pants or in dresses as the weather gets better.

I realized, as Helen says:

being just another face(less person) in the crowd will do for me. I can go about my business as other theirs. I'll always try to improve my appearance, hone my makeup skills, get the mannerisms off pat, work on my speech but as it stands I'm content that the image I present is good enough for me to go out and about without hindrance.

[Vintage4sarah]

An absolutely miniscule percentage of us ever pass, if by "pass" you mean being mistaken for a genetic female.

But there is a standard I aspire to which I refer to as passing in a crowd or passing at a distance. It would annoy me if people were reading me a hundred yards away or everybody stopped and stared at me. It would tell me that I hadn't put enough effort into my hair, makeup, wardrobe, or especially my walk.

I've learned that it's relatively easy to avoid that when going out dressed in the daytime simply by making a bit of effort. People are too busy wrapped up in their own worlds worrying about their own problems to notice, or even care, if the person over there in a dress is actually a genetic female.

Of course I won't fool anybody in a one-to-one interaction. But most such interactions are with shop assistants where my money is as good as anyone else's.

I feel the same way Ursula. Thank you for sharing !

[kimdl93]

I had a pleasant surprise in this regard late last Saturday afternoon. I stopped by my favorite coffee/wine bar for a glass of wine after a busy day. I was dressed much as in my avatar. During a conversation with the proprietor, she asked how tall I was and I responded six feet - two. Then she asked if I played any sports, to which I responded all of them. Then she looked a bit puzzled, and remarked that she was surprised, because really we are the same age, and back then there were no girls high school sports. It was then I realized, after more than 3 years of patronizing this wine bar and dozens of conversations, she still thought I was a woman. My quickly considered response was that I had six older brothers, so playing sports was unavoidable, which was true.

[Suzie Petersen]

Good for you Kim! You have arrived

[Rhonda Jean]

For the first 30+ years of going out I knocked myself out trying to pass. So much so that my everyday male image was... let's call it "compromised". Hair, nails, brows... that stuff that you can't just change at the end of an outing. Not to mention the incessant dieting and other things. It's usually not apparent whether you pass or not. Just because nobody gives you some obvious reaction doesn't mean you pass. In certain situations, I asked. Mixed results, and even though I asked I'd say the answers were not always truthful (both ways). I still vividly remember the first time someone called me out. I was 20, and I would have bet anything that no one could tell I was not a girl. I went straight home and tried to critically analyze whatever might have given me away. I still could not see it, but the person who called me out did not hesitate. It shook me up for quite a long time, and I tried even harder.

Now, passing is a lost cause for me. I still wish I could pass, but it'd take a time machine. I've started going out again, but I'm not kidding myself. After quite a long time now of just not feeling it, I'm once again, well, feeling it! It's not like it used to be. Can't put my finger on why. It's not just the "not passing" thing. I'm not sure if it's how I see the world now or how the world sees me. Probably both.

[Amelie]

No, I don't care, never did. Passing to me seems like I should try and look and behave in a way that is acceptable to strangers. They can view me as a man or as a woman. It doesn't matter to me. I don't know who those people on the street are and don't care what they think. I rarely talk to anyone either.

[DianeT]

I dress only at home and I definitely want to look the part, which is a different thing than passing. I'm not sure you can "pass" in your own eyes, but let's say I don't fool myself in the mirror anyway. However that same mirror sends back enough of a feminine version of myself to blur the lines and reach some level of satisfaction. And that, I really care for.

[Sandi Beech]

During my last outing a little over a week ago, a young GG told me that I passed , unsolicited I might add.

Now I am kind of laughing about it after the fact. If I truly passed, she would not have been telling me so, haha. It did not matter. I still had a good time.

Sandi

[JackieD]

I will never pass at 6?2?. Even if I was a ( r e a l ). At 6?2? 200ib I would stand out. At my size not many jokers try to pick a fight.
We all just want to fit in. Feel good about ourselves,, enjoy ourselves, the little time we have on this earth. If you don?t like how I look that?s find ,,,I don?t want to be your friend

[Heather76]

An absolutely miniscule percentage of us ever pass, if by "pass" you mean being mistaken for a genetic female.

But there is a standard I aspire to which I refer to as passing in a crowd or passing at a distance. It would annoy me if people were reading me a hundred yards away or everybody stopped and stared at me. It would tell me that I hadn't put enough effort into my hair, makeup, wardrobe, or especially my walk.

I've learned that it's relatively easy to avoid that when going out dressed in the daytime simply by making a bit of effort. People are too busy wrapped up in their own worlds worrying about their own problems to notice, or even care, if the person over there in a dress is actually a genetic female.

Of course I won't fool anybody in a one-to-one interaction. But most such interactions are with shop assistants where my money is as good as anyone else's.

I'm another who agrees 100% with Ursula's take on oassing. When I went into an ULTA a while back to inquire about a makeover, both SAs addressed me as Ma'am when asking if they could assist me. As soon as I spoke (bass male voice), they both took a double take. I was about 5' - 7' away from them and they were doing stocking chores. Had they been concentrating on me, they would have recognized I wasn't a GG.. I figure 99.9% of the people that will see me when I'm out will be otherwise too occupied to pay close enough attention to me to notice. Now, if I went out in my drab clothes and without a wig, but had a bra on with DD forms, I'd expect to be recognized for what I am and I'd expect to hear nasty/snide/belittling comments.

[SometimesNatalie]

I'm also in the 'I want to blend in' / pass in a crowd camp. I won't ever pass but I'd be thrilled if I could go out in public and not draw any attention at a distance. Of course it's not like I can accurately evaluate that - I'm sorta wired to assume the worst most of the time so my baseline attitude is that everybody who sees me knows what's up.

[Britney Summers]

I would pass from the other side of street, possibly from the middle of it, it really depends. I have tried working with make up apps with my wig and I think I would be reasonably passable. I want to rate myself a 3 or 4, but comparing myself with plus sized models I will bump myself up to a 5 or 6.

As I don't go out as Britney I don't have to worry about it. Maybe I could pass as a middle aged Kirstie Alley. At least I have nice looking feminine hands, I could make my legs nice looking too...That would really get questioned at home.

[Tasha McIntyre]

I used to try my best to pass a few years ago, but being a 6 ft 2 gym junkie found it all a bit challenging.

These days (as opposed to most on here) I am very happy out and about in my dresses without any wig or makeup. Never had a problem.

[Majella St Gerard]

Anyone with decent eyesight can tell you, that there are a lot of REAL women out there that don't PASS. Just sayin'.

[mykell]

I would like to comment that GG's typically dress for the "venue". They do not typically consider a grocery store, movies, or a mall, a dressy venue. That is why I do like to attend concerts, plays, clubs, and dances where I get a chance to wear cute dresses and heels. (I do work at a concert venue and the GG's are dressed beautifully!)

As to passing, wear what you like. However, remember, if you aren't dressing for the venue that typically warrants GG's to wear the type of clothes that some CDers are attracted to, you may stand out and be scrutinized more closely. If you truly "care if you pass", keep in mind the "place" that you are trying to pass. The idea of "blending" in with the crowd usually helps people who "care" about "passing".

Wear what you like, it's all ok. Just remember that GG's will probably be dressed more casually when they are doing a casual activity. Don't get the impression at the mall that GG's don't want to dress like what a CDer would consider feminine, because we don't usually care what anyone else thinks while shopping. Feminine is a state of mind no matter what the clothes are.

i put in bold the part i liked the most from this thread....for the most part people tend to see what is presented, most of us are larger than a typical female, as stated their are some larger and less attractive ladies out there....there is beauty in all of us even though.....

[jjjjohanne]

I am the odd-man-out here. I do not attempt to present female. I just go out in public in a skirt/dress. I wear pantyhose and heels. I try to dress in a way that looks good for my age, gender, and body size. If going out and not passing stops you from trying, I am your case study for how society reacts.
I don't do this full-time. But I go out a couple times per month on average. I am careful about where I go. I do the kinds of things that a boring dad would do. Grocery store, restaurant, even church a couple times. No one who knows me is aware of my dressing, so I am careful to go places where I won't see acquaintances.
I don't care if I pass. I don't try. But I do care that I look good.

I blog about my outings: https://joeypress.wordpress.com

[Stephanie47]

At six foot and 200 lbs I know I would not pass. Knock off six inches of height and I probably could pass. I am dresses only wearer, no pants. I have worked myself up to donning a pretty dress and a comfortable wedge and going for an evening stroll in a safe neighborhood. That is my comfort zone. As a male I shy away from clothes shopping. It's a case of I need this, so I get it and be done with it. I cannot see myself en femme perusing racks of bras and panties at a department store; nor attending a hobby interest en femme. If there was a local support group I'd probably attend all dolled up. I'd be among like minded individuals. I'd rather be a June Cleaver and be a home-body.

[Helen_Highwater]

I'm also in the 'I want to blend in' / pass in a crowd camp. I won't ever pass but I'd be thrilled if I could go out in public and not draw any attention at a distance. Of course it's not like I can accurately evaluate that - I'm sorta wired to assume the worst most of the time so my baseline attitude is that everybody who sees me knows what's up.

Natalie,

Actually, the more you go out, the more relaxed you get, the more you realise that most folks just aren't paying that much attention. This is something I haven't written for a while but as the saying goes, if it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, looks like a duck then folks who glance will see a duck. You will get read but you learn not to react, you stop caring and just pass on by. Also remember that most of the people who see you see you not from the front but some other angle and that's where the duck thing really kicks in.

[Genifer Teal]

There is a big difference between passing and not standing out like a sore thumb. Looking female yet walking in an excessively male way can really mess with people. I feel it is much better to blend in somewhat. To look and act somewhat female. I think it goes a long way towards acceptance.

[Rochelle76]

Yes, I care if I pass but during Covid I gained a lot of weight unfortunately, so I definitely don't pass. But I try my best to, I specially have a hard time with makeup but I try to on the hope that I get the courage to go out one day.

[CeCe]

I have absolutely no intention of ever passing. I have facial hair that I will not shave. I love to fully dress only when at home alone and will not be going public except to any friends who visit. I am a fully-realized yet bearded man in a dress at home and an occasionally underdressed man in drab outside the home. I am not expecting any changes forthcoming in my behavior.

[TAG]

Yes, I care if I pass but during Covid I gained a lot of weight unfortunately, so I definitely don't pass. But I try my best to, I specially have a hard time with makeup but I try to on the hope that I get the courage to go out one day.

Women come in all sizes Rochelle76 so wear clothes that fit your curves.
Heck if I can do it you can too.
Throughout my transition (99%) a huge weight gain has been an issue but I deal with it and wear clothes that fit properly.
I do belong to a gym and work with a nutritionist so we will see what happens.

[Krea]

No, i don't care that i don't pass.
As an enby i don't try to pass, i just present however i like and try to look respectable.
Admittedly, even if i wanted to pass i couldn't. At 5'7" and ~135lb i might sneak under the radar from a distance, but close-up there are the inevitable "tells" which don't hide easily. (Wide shoulders to hips ratio. An unfortunate combination of very pale skin and very dark facial hair, which leaves a shadow even after a very close shave.)

[Ann Simpson]

During my last outing a little over a week ago, a young GG told me that I passed , unsolicited I might add.

Now I am kind of laughing about it after the fact. If I truly passed, she would not have been telling me so, haha. It did not matter. I still had a good time.

Sandi

I wouldn't have given you a second glance. LOL