How do I tell him that I know his secret?

[Dragster]

Lizbeth, if I were in your SO's position, I'd love it if you cuddled up to me and whispered in my ear, "Do you know what I'd like, I'd like to make love to you while you're wearing your high heels, right now!" I've seen in another thread that you could handle this, though not making love when he's fully en-femme. If he starts to protest, then use your best seduction technique to say that you don't want to talk about it now, you want him first, in his heels and nothing else, then he can tell you all about it later, because you really want do to know him better. If he's concerned that you might have been snooping, you could first suggest that if he wanted to keep it a secret, then he shouldn't be so careless about what he leaves on his computer for you (or anyone else!) to stumble across. And in any case, you'd hope that he was going to tell you all about himself before he married you, and maybe he was waiting for the right moment to break the ice, so you decided to break it for him. Then you can get assurance of 100% honesty and get into a real heart to heart. You obviously love him tremendously, so make sure he knows that's why you want to know everything about him. From there, it should be easy for him to open up to you. I only wish that had happened to me 40 years ago!

Good luck,
Tony

[Catherine in Colo]

My Lord people! This is not a story on Fictionmania, and this is not about what you would have LOVED to have happen to you! This is about what happens between two adults in a serious relationship! Transfering your fantasies onto someone else doesn't help them, it just helps you fantasize.

I may be totally off base here, but if we each look honestly into ourselves, how many would really expect to have a fantasy situation go exactly as we'd like? If you were completely in the closet, deathly afraid to tell your SO about yourself, and afraid how she'd react, and you were in bed with her, and out of the blue, she asked you to wear a pair of heels, would you really just hop up and put them on? Or would you be kind of freaked out, trying to figure out what was happening, how she felt, etc...

I hate too be harsh, but I'm tired of reading about girls who, in an honest attempt to help someone else, simply recount what their fantasies are or how they would like things to have gone with their SOs. No one, not even Lizbeth, knows how her man will respond to her letting him know that she knows, so why place additional pressure on her by expecting some amazing emotional or sexual event? The truth is that opening up and acceptance is not something that happens overnight, and to expect otherwise is to feed into the fantasies that so often invade our realities.

Renee

[Stephenie S]

Yeah, what Tekla said!

[Debbie GG]

Lizbeth,

I agree with several others that it is important to have an open and honest relationship. Hiding something from your SO just adds to whatever stress you may be under. With your attitude about CDing, I suspect the snooping will be a bigger issue than the CDing. Does he know you use his computer? If so, it may be that he was hoping you would find the websites and bring it up. Then again he may just not have thought about that happening. It's hard to say from here.

The one thing I am certain of is that you will have a stronger more stable marriage if you don't keep secrets.

My guess is that he is afraid of your reaction to his secret and will be relieved to know you are accepting.

Good luck.

Debbie GG:2c:

[nancy58]

Lizbeth,

I was first going to jokingly say you should pull the freaking-out "who is this other woman whose shoes I found" routine, but I think you have an in to the topic. You owe the man an apology for snooping into the history of his web browser. It's not the worst offense, but if you snooped, you snooped. So maybe you should begin by apologizing and then ask him "what is this all about?"

If the CDing doesn't make a difference to you, be sure you let him know that. Most of us who have a significant other are/were terrified of losing her. The others deeply want a wife/girlfriend who understands them. The reassurance from my wife that she loves me and will keep me, lingerie and all, means the world to me. I don't know what I'd do without her.

Problems that are ignored or minimized before marriage do not go away once the marriage begins. Even if you end up calling off the wedding the day beforehand and sending back all the presents, it's better to explore all the issues you can now, while both of you can go your separate ways if need be. I've heard that half of marriages fail. You can improve the odds that yours lasts your lifetime by dealing with the issues beforehand.

[Stlalice]

Lizbeth,
I know a lot of those who have posted here have in effect given their view of how they would like an SO to approach them about the whole CD/TV/TS thing - but the advice I gave to go slow is still valid. Why? Because from the sound of your initial post your boyfriend is dealing with denial issues and pushing him on this could well have the effect of sending him even deeper into denial. For him the gift of time to work out his feelings and possibly a blind eye on your part as to some of his activities may be best. In general I recomend that a relationship be open - based on trust on both sides - with no secrets but there are times when one party needs to work out issues before they can talk about them. This may well be one of those times. Good luck and hang in there.

[Deanna2]

Hey Renee, I don't know what star sign you are, but it must be the hardnosed one. You are right though, fantasy (or any other) situations don't just happen. Positive relationships don't happen without effort. People have to work hard at them for them to work out to mutual advantage. Sh** happens, but good luck has to be carefully planned and managed.

What is required here is subtly - not a question out of the blue like 'Do you want to tell me all about your secret desire to wear femme shoes' and 'do you have more diverse desires to dress in femme gear and do makeup as well?' The guy probably has a long held secret that he isn't go let it all hang out on a nanosecond's notice.

My earlier suggestion was not fantasy, flight of fancy or sociological experiment. I've seen it happen and with positive outcome.

But hey, anyone can offer advice, but Lizbeth has to make the decision of how to handle her relationship.

[susiej]

Chicas,

I don't fear my SO learning my dark little secret, per se. The thing I fear most is her going negatively berserk about it. "What are you, some kind of queer? You're disgusting, I hate you! Eeeewwwww, you wear girls' underwear sometimes? That's sooo gross! Oh, and by the way, why didn't you trust me with this for twenty-something years? Don't you trust me???"

Heaven, for me, would be for that same SO to simply say to me one night, maybe over a nice bottle of wine, "darling, by any chance would you like to explore your feminine side? Wear my clothes? Make love as a woman with me? Because, if you do, that would be OK with me, and I'd still love you like I always have. I just want you to be happy with what you are, whatever it is.".

The very thought brings tears to my eyes, even now. How wonderfully it would change my life, if she would just be accepting, even though I have no reason to expect it, and reach out to me about it. I am stuck, because I have no reason to expect she will understand. But if she understands, she is not stuck, because she knows the truth of both of us.

Lizbeth, in my humble opinion, the opportunity you have before you is priceless. You are in control, because he has no reason to expect you will be accepting. If you are, you owe it to yourselves to simply tell him. Why would he "freak out" about it? You're giving him the crown jewels, the Mona Lisa, and the right to a core identity, all at the same time.

Hugs,
Susie

[Calliope]

'I know **** about you - and since I learned that from snooping, now you know my secret, too.'

[tekla west]

nicely done DT

[Frances1]

I think the snooping could be an issue. But I think your answer is you "tripped" over his shoe collection and you wondered. I think the best approach is one that has already been suggested. Take him shopping in a general store (Target or Kmart in Australia) and while you are browsing in the girls area (with him) ask his views and work around to suggesting something pretty for him - Skirt, this would look nice on you. "You would look good as a girl in this". Bra, his size?, shoes, his size?, knickers, his size?, etc. Be prepared to respond to "How do you know". But you "I love you still", "I'm rather turned on by it"

I think you have to take a risk that he may react badly. But better now than after the wedding.

Frances

[Lisa Golightly]

You ought to know by now how he likes to be introduced to new concepts... It's a 'couples' thing. You need to approach this the same way as any other 'eeek!' moment.

[Kandi]

You will make him the happiest man in the world even If he doesn't know it at the time.

[lizbeth GG]

I appreciate all the responses (wow, I sure got a lot of them!). I especially appreciate the ones who give me different ways to approach talking about it. As for others, I know for many of you you would love it if your SO gave you a skirt to wear or told you that you would look good in a particular piece of clothing.

For me, that is not really an option. Yes, I may be able to say "I bought these shoes because I thought you would like them," but I could not say "It would really make me happy if you wore this [item of clothing]" because that would not be truthful.

I am accepting of this (whatever it is exactly), but I am honestly not mentally ready to see him in anything beyond the shoes if he is in fact interested of wearing anything beyond women's shoes.

I did get some unexpected outside comfort last night. I was hanging out with a girlfriend and she asked if I was planning on inviting a particular guy to the wedding. He is gay, and a friend of mine, but I don't know him all that well.

He doesn't know about the wedding yet, but my friend told me that he will cry when he finds out we are getting married. He apparently told her that his ideal man is a gay version of my guy. I guess that's better than saying my guy should marry him instead of me! :D

Anyway, I'm sure I will have to take some serious steps soon. I will keep you posted.

[Jennifer in CO]

how 'bout a simple but nice cami/panty set but not much (if any) lace with a matching set of mules or slings? I'll admit that about a week earlier I had told my then girlfriend (now wife of almost 29 years) about my "desires" and this was what she gave me the next time we were together. I'm pretty sure it ment she was accepting....

Jenn

[Atlanta Peach GG]

Lizbeth..............

he is going to be breathing a HUGE HUGE sigh of relief that you are accepting of his little "hobby"..........

Get with it girl, just sit down, tell him you know, and that you are "ok" with it..........

It will only pull you both closer, and he will feel like he has NO need to hide anything anymore...........

----Keely

[tv_rachael]

i suggest saying

"I have a sexual fantasy about a guy dressed up all gurly"

you will be married a week later !!

[NewbieCD]

Sorry to say it but i think there is no advice that a lot of us can give you on here that would be right for your situation some of us have supportive so's and some don't some say they would like to be suprised with a gift others say no just be honest and others say give it time. Which way is right who knows but you you know your man better than anyone else. So i hate to point out the obvious the plan is best made by you and i know you are now in a state of confusion and need some advice. The only advice i can give you is to step back from the situation remove all emotions and think of it from a logical stand point of how do i tell him i know and what ways will he be the most accepting of the things i say.