You set the boundaries so you should have set the consequences of breaking the boundaries. What is it that you wanted to do if your SO broke the rules?Originally Posted by confusedone
If you ask yourself you will probably find you know the answer.
Kim
#1) This never was "your fault" and never will be.
#2) Needing security is normal, but sometimes not realistic. Learning to believe in yourself as much as you believe in someone else is important.
#3) He may very well love you, but he definitely does not love himself right now & is lashing out at you.
#4) Get to a safe place - now. Doesn't mean you don't love him, doesn't mean you want a divorce, but your children have seen the verbal & physical abuse - if you tolerate it, they will see that behavior as acceptable. You do not deserve that, and neither do they!
My heart really breaks for you and I am scared. This sounds like a potentially dangerous situation for everyone (him, you & kids). Please, please tell you healthcare professionals what you've told us ASAP - don't wait for next appt.
For what it's worth, I'm sending
OK the way i see it is boundaries and respect go hand in hand .... and respect and trust from a so is key to anything you do in a relationship...shure from time to time there will be times things get stretched or broken as sometimes boundaries are ... but not only saying your sorry for crossing them boundaries.... but more so knowing that they were crossed and how that made the other person feel .... we all want more it's just part of people being people we need to be mined full of how our actions hurt and make our so's feel ... after all isn't this the person we are saying we love and trust ?? and the very person we look to for understanding , acceptance love and trust??? .........
Who makes the rules? Who sets the boundries? For sure, if a husband is a wifebeater, he sets the rules until such time, if ever, the wife leaves. If, in Vana's case the husband rules the roost but the wife rules the husband (her avitar) then the wife makes the rules. Nowhere in the orriginal thread posted was there a mention of "wishes"; no there were boundries/rules. So, who makes the rules? As life progresses, people change. Things we once thought about our spouse are not true anymore or perhaps never were. What then are we to do? If my wife eats her way to obesity after we are married, does that then give me the right to set rules because she doesn't look like the girl I married? If I am skinny and she is overweight, does this then make superior? So then, it is ok for me to place conditions by which she must abide? If a wife finds out her husband is a crossdresser and she is not, does this make her superior and thus she then gets to make the rules?
A great many crossdressers never reveal this to their spouse or SO . Is this because the spouse set the rules or is it because the crossdresser sets the rules and doesn't want to lose dominance?
Marriage is a contract wereby both parties agree to abide by rules which are understood (i.e. monogomy). Beyond, those basic rules, who sets the rules?
"Lady Fingers"
Good points Tree! Relationships are hard enough to maintain just normally. Add in crossdressing, well you have to work just that much harder. Kitty
Who needs a safe place? Sounds like he does. He may be yelling and cursing, but he isn't throwing objects around.
After reading the detailed update, I really don't know what to say. Seems he is not totally at fault. Perhaps some marriage counseling?
If I may ask, what is it about the pj's that bothers you? Are we talking about lacey lingerie or just regular pj's. I have a pair of pink and green striped pj pants. No different than guys pj's, I just liked the color and couldn't imagine anyone having an issue with it.
Nope he's not throwing "objects" around, he's throwing HER around! Did you not read the part where she ended up half way across the room simply because she touched his thigh? Come *on* noname. For once, lay your issues with genetic females aside!
let him know that he bronk the boundaries tail him not to let hapen agean
Well Confusedone, I feel for your perdicament. All I can say is get out while you can... may not be what you want to hear but from what you have written.... I'm sorry and I can feel your pain. Be extra careful and take care
"I DREAM TO BE THAT ONE DAY I WILL BE"
One of the reasons i've remained single the last several years since separating...It's hard to find a SO that supports, understands, enjoys, and relates on the same wave length as me on dressing. Many cd's i know walk the fine line between just dressing and wanting more...more time dressing, more identification with the feminine side in us...on and on in intensity. By our nature, we push boundaries and social norms, struggling and striving for whatever needs drive us...each of us being individuals and having different needs..
How in the world can we expect a SO to understand us if we don't understand ourselves? I wish i could have been born different at times..this is a hard way to go and very lonely for the most part...but a leopard Doesn't change its spots very easily and i am what i am...i've had many serious friendships and a few serious relationships and the ones that lasted the longest had give and take, but allowed me to express the cd in me openly in the relationship..as that is a critical part of my makeup, not to be hidden or repressed with any degree of success! That's the bottom line...denial, repression, and hostility to dressing and expression of nature is destructive and the relationship is doomed to failure someday....it's like telling an artist he can only paint at noon on tuesdays...limitations suck at best...cd'ing is a drive for me, not a hobby or a passtime!
We are what we are...for better or worse...dresses or depression, so to speak...
I'm speaking for those that i've know and all the studies i've read...
no easy answers, no easy cures, no desire to change...i need to find one who relates and i can relate to by being who i am! Not easy!
i hope i didn't ramble...just some thoughts!
[SIZE="2"][/SIZE][SIZE="3"]Big Hugs!
Ash[/SIZE]
confusedone
hi there sorry about the second post but !!. your man should never never push you around ever i am sorry.. as a young man i was a cop in england most of my calls were domestic and the same ones over and over i got so pi**off doing the same old thing.. i ended up quiting because i could not deal with it almost every time i would take his ass to jail the woman would get mad at me for helping her ???. in the end you have to help your self... tell him if he ever hit or pushes you around...you will call the cops.. thats insane.. there are kids involved what is it teaching them ..i wish i could speak my mind but i will end up being banned :mad:
confusedone you are a wonderful woman..
and sir you have no idea what you have till you lose it all .. trust me i know
don't ever lay a had on that goddess you have ...
this forum can help you with your issues we all have been there in one way or another when we first started dealing with our cding issues you think you got it bad now try going it alone ...enough said..
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
After reading your second post and getting more detail I want you to know how sorry I am that you are going through this. If what you are saying is accurate and he is becoming violent then you need to get out for your safety and that of your children. I know that in arguments with my ex I did end up getting loud, but it was in no way unprovoked, she said very cruel and nasty things to me and blackmailed me with threats of exposing my secret to everyone she could (she ultimately followed through with those threats). This is the reason that I said you should speak calmly with him and let him know how you felt without making him feel like a freak. If my GF had been like that I would have done anything for her.
I sincerely hope that I was not one of the posters who made you feel that you were in the wrong. I would never have intentionally worded it in a way to make you feel like that. As a matter of fact I feel that you are bending over backwards to try to do what you feel is the right thing. Having said that, I believe that it is never a good idea to try to help someone who is being physically abusive with you. Please, please get out of there while you have the chance.
Shannon
OK, I have read this thread three times, and I can't figure out where anyone got the idea her husband was wearing pj's? She said he went to sleep in their bed in women's clothes.
What am I missing here? Was the pj comment edited out or something?
Well, that's a whole 'nother thing from the first post.
I worked as a mental health counselor for over a decade and knew many personality disorder individuals.
Speaking from my prior experience, no one on this forum is qualified to get into this conflict.
Nope, across the bed, not the room.
Almost 1/2 across the bed is like... I dunno. I think I take up a 1/3 of my queen bed just laying there. Sure, it may not have been a sexual advance, but that wasn't how it was interpreted.early one morning about 7am, I was still half asleep and he rolled over towards me, I put my hand on his thigh - and not in a sexual manner at all - he pushed me almost 1/2 way across the bed and then SCREAMED "dont touch me dont you ever touch me"
GG Vanya, I have a feeling you would support any women using force against a man for an unwanted advance. Let me ask you this, what if the tables were turned. Would you say a women who pushed her husband away from an unwanted advance would be abusive to her husband? Men are just as much victims of violence, sexual harrasement, and rape as women are.
Sorry, no issue with gg's, I guess I belive men have the same rights women do. This includes unwanted sexual advances. Let's keep in mind this persons issue is complicated and we are only getting one side of the story.
Thanks daytripper.Speaking from my prior experience, no one on this forum is qualified to get into this conflict.
"I joined these boards two days after I found out....so I could educate myself, so I could begin to understand.....I have been patient....and I am taking the blunt of his blows (so to say) well, other than him shoving me thru the closet door while he was in a fit of rage....I was not hurt, but my 11 yr old was here - my son went nuts....I had to call his daddy to meet me 1/2 way to so he could get Clay....I knew Clay was upset, and I knew I was upset, and I knew that Clay didnt need to be seeing the rage that my husband was showing.."
Daytripper suggests that none here are qualified to "get into" this conflict. I will not "get into" the conflict, but will suggest that a person, man or woman, raging to a point of pushing another through a door is not one with whom I would be close for long. How very abhorrent his behavior is.
A Tiffany lamp shoved across a room, merely an object. A human being being shoved through parts of a home is another story all together. How very shameful to trivialize over details a matter of real significance. Pajamas, womens clothes, whatever it was, it was WRONG!
It is so sad to see men "sticking up for" men, just because they're men. The facts suggest that each has reason to consider their actions. The man in this case has dishonored himself and his chosen life partner.
Where rage abides, I cannot remain.
OK, I'll concede that I misread the thigh touching incident, so I went back and read her "the rest of the story" because I knew I'd seen something about a closet door:
.....I have been patient....and I am taking the blunt of his blows (so to say) well, other than him shoving me thru the closet door while he was in a fit of rage....I was not hurt, but my 11 yr old was here - my son went nuts
Surely you'd agree this is different than your scenario of him gently nudging her hand away from his thigh? :rolleyes:
just wanted to send a bunch of these your way....
Folks, educate yourself.
Abuse is abuse. No excuse.
Wow this is some thread, been scanning over it a bit, but your right this is a form of abuse, and needs to be dealt with fast before thing really get out of hand.
I'd say run! once he threatens to hurt you or does hurt you, there is no reason to stay. I was in an abusive relationship for about 2 years, even with counseling he did not get better, he just got worse. If he is not willing to try and work with you on these issues, then Iwould say there is no reason to stay. * this is my opinion* and would Highly suggest you speak to your therapist about the abuse.
Do you live, do you die
Do you bleed for the fantasy?
In your mind, through your eyes
Do you see it's the fantasy? - 30 Seconds To Mars- The Fantasy
I agree with this 100%!! Please, please, make sure you and your children are safe! Abuse is grounds for immediately getting out of there however hard that may be! But your safety and the safety of your children must always come first! Also, Boundaries are boundaries.. Regardless of the fact that we were born like this, We are only approx. 10% of the male population.. And most men do not CD.. We KNOW THIS!! IF you have an SO that is willing to accept in however small way, do everything you can to love her, cater to her needs as well, make her feel like the queen of the planet, and show her how much it means to you that shes trying to accept you! As some people have posted, boundaries arent always forever. If you're lucky maybe your SO will expand those boundaries. But.. You have to accept the boundaries as surely as she has accepted you CDing. After all, she could have just said "screw this, I DO NOT need this in my life"!! Just my :2c:
Last edited by StayceeCD; 11-22-2006 at 02:33 AM.
I'm sure people do stuff like that for no reason at all. You don't think he was provoked or anything do you? You have no idea what she was doing, it could have been much worse. Perhaps he did it as a last resort self defense? Or maybe he's got a hot temper and short fuse? Point is, we have no idea what transpired, and were only hearing one side of the story.A Tiffany lamp shoved across a room, merely an object. A human being being shoved through parts of a home is another story all together.
It's not about men sticking up for men, it's about judging this guy without even hearing what he has to say.It is so sad to see men "sticking up for" men, just because they're men.
Some people can rationalize anything. This isn't a matter of fairness. He was "offended" she touched his thigh and responded in a physical manner. He rages. Simple pattern here. He responds physically when he is confused or angry making him not only dangerous, but exceedingly immature and lacking in self control.
I know personal responsibility is not a very politically correct concept these days, but it has a history of positive results. Denial merely maintains the status quo.
p.s. Physical hostility is also VERY unladylike.
Last edited by Tamara Croft; 11-22-2006 at 08:12 AM. Reason: Use the 'edit' button, no need to post again....
Daytripper suggests that none here are qualified to "get into" this conflict. I will not "get into" the conflict,
And Daytripper is spot on. Bi-Polar, formerly known as manic-depressive disorder is a serious - in fact one of the most serious - mental health conditions. If this person had said, "Oh, I have a heart condition" EVERYone would have told them to get to a qualified doctor. How it is that when it comes to mental health, the rest of us feel fully credentialed to take it on, with no more than a kind of a "Buck Up Buckaroo" mentality. Like that makes it better. It does not. It is a misfiring of the brain, and can only be brought under some control by rebalancing the chemistry of the brain - pretty sophisticated stuff that. Matter of fact, only a qualified medical doctor can do it, legally. No treatment is 100% guaranteed, and no treatment is steady, because the chemical equilibrium is in constant flux.
The facts suggest that each has reason to consider their actions.
In fact, the facts suggest that neither are 100% able to consider their actions in a reasonable manner 100% of the time.
These are actions (and since both have this condition, any commentary on the others behavior have to be filtered through this self same set of condishions). So what you have is a specific notion of 'temporary insanity' commented on by someone who may or may not have been seeing it through their own 'temporary insanity.'
Indeed, it might well be that each of them saw these things in thier own unique (and vaild) manner, what we all would have seen a totally different third way. The only difference is we would all more or less agree on what we saw.
but will suggest that a person, man or woman, raging to a point of pushing another through a door is not one with whom I would be close for long. How very abhorrent his behavior is.
By definition, there are episodes that are beyond the ability of the person to control. According to the diagnosis those episodes can swing violently back and forth from being radically overjoyed at some trivial bit, or becoming violent, paranoid, and hostile. This person (these people are) is not dishonoring anything. The behavior is not abhorrent, because its not necessarily chosen. The fear, or the notion, they had at that moment - that instant - might well have been fear in their mind, or an attack. Since they simply can not control the mood swings that define the condition, there is no way to hold them.
Indeed, many of the cases of rage and murder we have are due to undiagnosed (until they get to prison) or under-treated bipolar conditions. The need is for professional help - though a shining need for a bit more sensitivity on the part of those who do not so suffer is apparent also - is overwhelming, and will be continuing. Unlike buying the right garment, this problem will not be solved on posting boards.
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