So my bf cds and is upset I - advice?

[Jane GG]

I found my bf's clothes. I have no problem with it and told him as soon as I asked about them. He, on the other hand, is completely stressed out about it. I told him it doesn't bother me in the least and I see nothing wrong with it. But since I found out he seems to have closed a door and I feel shut out. He only dressed in the clothes- no makeup and only inside. He is almost avoiding me now. What do I do? It doesn't matter to me at all, but his being upset is making me upset because I feel shut out all of the sudden. Any advice?

[Kimberley]

Hi Chloe and welcome.

He is embarrassed to be sure. A lot of compassion is called for now; a lot of it.

We grow up living with this and it manifests itself in fear, guilt and shame. Not a pleasant way to live. In his mind, all 3 of those have been realized and hit him at once. He is hurting big time. Words are fine, but he is going to need to FEEL that you are okay with it. It will take some time but patience and love will be the key.

So, if he isnt a member, get him online here for starters.

For yourself, get involved with the GG forum as soon as you can. They will have a lot of good advice for you.

Hope this is of some help to you.


Kimberley

[Iniquity Blonde GG]

hes obviously embarrassed that you have found out, and now is fearful that you will walk away, leave him, because even though you have told him you are fine with it, hes not gonna believe it hun we have a GG forum here. ( for genetic girls ). you just need to have 10 posts , then you can apply to join there are plenty of people on the forums who can listen/help/offer advice the key point with the c/d that comes up time after time, is COMMUNICATION .talking with him, i would imagin hes quite shocked that you know now, so he will be frightened and worried.
hang in there hun, after all hes got your support from the outset

[Sophia Rearen]

May I ask, how old is he/she?

[Jane GG]

Thanks- he did say he was embarassed and has grown up being told it was wrong. He says he has done it for as long as he can remember. I told him I see no problem with it, afterall I wear pants all the time. I don't know how to make him know I am fine with it; Id take him shopping if he wanted. He said he was afraid I said I was ok, but am not. I assured him that was not the case and he would have known if I was, which he agreed was true. (I'm not great at hiding my feelings) I tried talking to him and letting him know it was fine, but it doesn't seem to help. I am at a loss because I don't see what is wrong with it. I am just estatic they aren't another woman's and that he's not cheating!

What is the GG forum? He said he has been online, although I'm not sure if he was here or is a member.

[Jennifer_Ph]

There's only one thing to do! Take him shoe shopping! Everyone is happier when they have new heels!

[Jane GG]

He's 31 years old. There are no wigs or makeup or anything- just the clothing, which is just when he is alone. I told him I would care if he wore them while I was home either. I wish he wasn't embarrassed because it's ok! How do I help? He is one of those guys that will shut down and kind of run away when he is feeling like I am hearing he probably is, which sounds like some of the things he has been saying.

[Jane GG]

He also said he isn't gay and doesn't want to be a girl, but just likes wearing the clothes.

[Janelle Marshall]

Be patient with him. It sounds as if he will have to see that you are OK for a while to believe it. By the way you sound like the SO that most of us only can dream about with your accepting and suportive attitude. Hopefully you can get him to at least read the posts here and possibly join. Welcome to the both of you! You are not alone.
Janelle

[Jane GG]

We were talking on im earlier. I brought it up and reiterated I had no problem with it and he said he needed to "reboot" and never came back online.

I am feeling like he is the one who will run away from me.

[Lisa Golightly]

Sounds to me that the best policy to employ is to let sleeping dogs lie. You say you're not worried, he obviously wants to keep this private, so the best course is to say to him 'talk when you want' and just be as you were. The barriers will fall with time. Deep breath and relax

[Jane GG]

He started to talk some this morning when it all happened, but I had to go to work - my job can't let me be late. I dont' want him to feel like I am trying to shoo it under the rug because I am not okay with it. I feel like I have no idea what to do. I feel really upset because I almost feel like there is something wrong with how I feel about it.

[Kimberley]

We dont know how long ago all of this transpired so feelings are probably very raw at the moment. He is trying to digest all of this because it goes against everything he has been told throughout his life.

I'm not saying leave him alone, just be patient, give him a bit of space and be loving so that he will feel begin to feel comfortable over time. Just keep being the great lady you obviously are. Communications are the key but he has to feel comfortable with it too and right now he isnt at all comfortable. (IM is a not so good thing at the moment.)

I dont think I would be too concerned about him fleeing. It has happened but very rarely.


Kimberley

[carla smith]

Hi Chloe Jane, sorry you are having problems.

The GG forum is where the genetic girls chat. Most of them have been in the same situation. They are an important part of this site.

[Emily Ann Brown]

If I can suggest something, just treat him like the man he is. I'm gonna guess you finding out was his worst nightmare and then a bit. Guys have this macho issue and confession to dressing is a killer on the male ego. If he has been secretly dressing for near 25 years it is intensely private and personal to him.

And I applaud your support for him dear....wish my wife would have been so accepting when she found out in January.

Emily Ann

[Lisa Golightly]

He started to talk some this morning when it all happened, but I had to go to work - my job can't let me be late. I dont' want him to feel like I am trying to shoo it under the rug because I am not okay with it. I feel like I have no idea what to do. I feel really upset because I almost feel like there is something wrong with how I feel about it.

You obviously love him very much. You need to show it doesn't change anything by just being you. A sense of normality means more than anything at these times. Trust me I've been there. The talking comes later. At this moment in time the real fear is that everything has changed, you just need to show nothing has. He knows you know, now he just needs to feel the foundations are as safe as they always were.

[Sophia Rearen]

Chloe Jane, pretty name. You can IM me if you want. Sounds like you have a lot of questions and want to get alot off your chest. At 31, he probably is still confused about who he is, what this is, where is it going? Most of us don't figure this out until a later point, if ever! Some do figure it out earlier, of course. The advice of slowing down and giving space is valid. He's probably so overwelmed right now, he might burst. Soon, he'll come to his senses and the two of you will be able to share a rare and powerful relationship.

[Jane GG]

Well he came back on im after several hours with a "work reason" for the delay. we talked a litlte bit- mundane stuff like what's for dinner and his car needs gas. I didn't bring it up at all. I have to admit I am smarting a little bit about it myself- not because of the cd, but because I feel kind of alone myself. A bit like a slap in the face that it seems perfectly normal to me, but even though I support him I am getting shut out, as though I did something wrong. I then feel terrible because I feel like that is so incredibly selfish of me since it sounds like he is having an extremely difficult time. As far as society- to me it is just a double standard - anyone can wear pants, so why can't anyone wear skirts? Besides maybe he has some cute ones I can wear! I feel like I can't win here. He wants me to call on my way home from work, which is now, but I kind of want to just have a good cry on the way home because I feel like I can't make him feel okay. I want share it with him, but I feel like he is upset with me about it. grrr... boys can be so difficult! (even if they do wear skirts)

[Jane GG]

Thanks everyone! You are making my life so much easier! Being a girl- I have the urge to talk through things right away. This is such great advice and I feel like I get things out. I appreciate it! I am headed home for now, but will check back in tomorrow. I'm sure I will have lots more then! ...and he has mentioned the macho aspect. I'm so glad you guys are here!

Sophia- I will take you up on the im tomorrow!

[Lisa Golightly]

grrr... boys can be so difficult! (even if they do wear skirts)

You're not wrong there

[carla smith]

Chloe Jane....you just won my heart! I hope that everything works out for the two of you.

[Shadeauxmarie]

Well he came back on im after several hours with a "work reason" for the delay. we talked a litlte bit- mundane stuff like what's for dinner and his car needs gas. I didn't bring it up at all. I have to admit I am smarting a little bit about it myself- not because of the cd, but because I feel kind of alone myself. A bit like a slap in the face that it seems perfectly normal to me, but even though I support him I am getting shut out, as though I did something wrong. I then feel terrible because I feel like that is so incredibly selfish of me since it sounds like he is having an extremely difficult time. As far as society- to me it is just a double standard - anyone can wear pants, so why can't anyone wear skirts? Besides maybe he has some cute ones I can wear! I feel like I can't win here. He wants me to call on my way home from work, which is now, but I kind of want to just have a good cry on the way home because I feel like I can't make him feel okay. I want share it with him, but I feel like he is upset with me about it. grrr... boys can be so difficult! (even if they do wear skirts)

My wife continuously complains about my lack of communication. Since I HAVE tried to tell my wife about my dressing and she shut me out as a "pervert", I don't have your perspective.

If you continue reading on this forum, you will find many of us here don't understand the dressing ourselves. Why, how far we want to go, the guilt, the lack of support.

It would appear to me the best course of action would be for you to show him the posts you have written here. This will let him know you are searching for answers too. Aren't we all?

[Jill]

Chloe Jane, I think just about every person that has read up on you and your situation now has a small part of them that is in love with you! LOL You are a dream come true for many of us.

I agree with what has been said here about him. He's embarrassed about it and he's embarrassed about it because he has never come to grips with it within himself or accepted himself as being a crossdresser. He probably feels the need to be macho and manly and a guy dressed as a girl, just doesn't feel that way at all. In many ways, I can relate and I have been there myself. A huge step for me in my personal growth came when I could admit to myself that I was a crossdresser. If he hasn't done that with himself, he's not going to want to talk to anyone about it, including you, so don't take it so personal. I admire you for wanting to talk about it, I wish I had someone like you in my life that was dying to talk this thing over with me and was as supportive as you and that is a huge credit to yourself, don't beat yourself up over it. The fact is and will remain, that he does not want to talk about it and sadly, you can't force him to. Talking about it will only make him uncomfortable and you're right, he will continue to push you away.

My advice is to stop forcing it and let it be, I think that's what he wants right now, for you to let it be. I think that you should just say one last thing about it and that would be to tell him that you love him, that you don't care what he does during his alone time and if the day comes that he wants to talk about it or even go shopping, you'll be there for him and leave it at that. Once he gets over the embarrassment, I really think he'll appreciate that a lot and love you more.

Good luck!

[Jane GG]

So I called him on my way home like he asked. And when we started talking I just said:

Okay I need to say this first. I want you to know I'm perfectly fine with all of this and would enjoy sharing it with you when you feel ready. I know you feel upset by it all right now and so I don't want to keep trying to bring it up and you feel like it was always going to be coming up. So I am going to not talk about it until you feel better about it and want to talk. My not talking to you now is not because I think there is anything wrong or that I have any problems, but only to give you time and some space until you are ready to talk. And that is is like when I say I am upset and want to talk it all through if you have done something wrong and you should do that because you made me upset. I know I didn't do something wrong to make you upset, but that you are, so I am letting you get through how it is best for you, which is just some space. This doesn't change anything in our relationship.

To which he responded: Okay and I need to find something to take to the pitch at work for Thursday. Maybe I can still just bring the rolls.

Oh geez!

So I left it at that. But I can't tell you all how awesome you are! Thanks for talking to me and everyone helping me out.

I hope you don't all feel so guilty about it and feel it is wrong. I mean not long ago I would have been horrible to wear pants and even think about not riding a horse sidesaddle! Now both of those are completely acceptable. There is nothing wrong with it- they are just clothes. If other people in your life thinks it is perverse then they are not thinking about it the right way - not you.

[Sandra]

Don't force it with him, talk with him about it and take it slow, the more you try to push the more he will go into his shell.

He is proably confused and worried and although he may not show it he will be hoping for your support, but even though you have told him it is ok he does need reassurance.