She Asked Me When Do I Want To Sell The House

[Stephenie S]

Dear Melissa,

I agree with some above that the "sell the house" ploy was just that. A ploy to get you to listen to her. It may not have been a good one, but it did get your attention, didn't it? I also agree that it is not very likely that she REALLY wants to do this as long as her mother is living there.

So the question remains, ARE you going to listen to her?

She is clearly freaked out about your CDing. And you keep wondering, "Why can't she just be a little more accepting?" It's easy to ask this question, isn't it? We hear it all the time on this forum. Why can't my wife, girlfriend, SO, be more accepting?

Your wife is haveing trouble accepting this because it's a BIG deal to her. You (and anyone else on this forum) are not going to be able to come to any resolution in your marriage untill you understand this fact. It's a BIG freakin' deal. Asking why she just can't cut you some slack is just not gonna make it here.

Melissa, I want you to do an exercise in empathy. "Empathy" is the ability to experience another's feelings as your own. Please try hard to do this exercise. Imagine that you are not interested in CDing. Imagine that you have never even heard of CDing. One day your loving wife tells you that she wants to start dressing as a man! OMG!! A man! She wants to start dressing like a man. She says she wants to experience her masculine side. She says that not only does she want to dress in a suit and tie, but she wants to cut her hair in a man's buzz cut. "It's OK honey", she says. "I can wear a wig when we go out together". She says she is done shaving her legs and underarms, and she really doesn't want to wear any makeup any more. Also, she wants to make love as a man, on top, and with pajamas on, no more sexy nightgowns or teddies for her. She wants to get some shoulder pads to make her look more masculine and some lifts for her shoes to make her look taller. Oh, and she wants to bind her breasts so she looks more like a man, and maybe get a false beard to wear "just arround the house, honey". Are you with me so far Melissa? She also wants to spend hours on the computer talking to other women who feel the same way she does. And she wants to join a club with a bunch of other women who do the same thing. She tells you that her biggest thrill would be for you two to go out to eat and to a game as two guys. TWO GUYS, Melissa!! Can you believe that??? Your wife wants to parade around town with you as TWO GUYS. This is your beautiful, sexy, wife saying all this. She doesn't want to look sexy any more. Now she wants to look BUTCH. All this, Melissa, and she wants your marriage to go on as usual. What will your family think about this? What will your boss think about this? What will your friends think about this. Will they think you are gay because you are fooling around with another man? And it's not really a man, is it. It's your wife. She can't really look like a man. The best she can pull off is to look like a prissy gay guy. Are you still with me, Melissa? She wants you to parade around town with a gay guy!! What's happened to YOUR masculinity?

OK, I hope you are getting the picture, here. I think you would have some trouble accepting all of this. I think you just MIGHT say no to all this. I think you just might say you couldn't accept this situation at all and you could not stay married if she continued with it.

Maybe, just maybe, if you really wanted to stay married (perhaps you are dependant on her for your suport), you could come to some agreement where she just did this when you were not around. Or maybe she could do this just once a month. Or maybe just a little bit. Perhaps she could do it just around the house but not out where anyone could see her.

There are all sorts of ways you could accomodate her desire to dress and act like a man. But I am going to remaind you of one fact. This is going to be a VERY BIG DEAL in your relationship. It's going to rock to foundations of your marriage and it's going to require a great deal of understanding on your part if you two are going to stay married. If you think this whole deal would be easy for you to accept, then you are not thinking clearly about it. As I said at the beginning of this rather long winded post, your wife is freaked out about your CDing. It's really bothering her. AND, it's going to take a lot more than just, "becoming a bit more open minded", for her to accept your desires.

Those of us who have partners who accept us should stand up and give a rousing round of applause to the women who do. And those of us whose partners are having trouble accepting us should understand that it's not an easy thing to do. It may be the right thing, it may be the good thing, it may be the loving thing, but it will NEVER be the easy thing.

Do I have any advice? Sure. Treat her like you did when you were first married. Take her out on a date. Not just once. All the time. Try to show her that Melissa is a better person than Tom, Dick, or Harry, or whatever your name is. Try to show her how important SHE is to you compared to Melissa. I know how important Melissa is to you, but you have had a long time to get used to Melissa. She hasn't.

OK, I am winding down here. Whew! Try a little empathy, dear. Your marriage may not be over if you do.

Lovies,
Stephenie