marlena
i no the feeling i whent through this same situation but it was many years ago and i thought some one accepted and in reality they did not and i also was sorry for the pain i caused them but i can't be sorry that they were not as honest with me as i was with them if she was so uncomfertable noing that you are a crossdresser she could mention it to you directly then youcould act accordingly
just a thought
susie
Originally Posted by pwincessbigbootyooty
Princess just remember Hun those whom you have dealt with are non professionals. I got written up once because I laughed at a joke (in uniform) that I was told. The woman who filed the compliant said I wasn't acting quite right. ??????????????? They have to take all complaints no matter how dumb. I got to laugh again when I sent my response in to the investigators. I never heard about it again.
I used to have respect for LEO's and law enforcement in general until I got involved in multi family housing buildings as a business and specificly drug-free multi-housing, Shelter Plus Care and ohter SRO's. I saw it all, police beatings, police shootings, cops on the take, police gangs, dispatch fraud so bad that it took money to get 911 responce at all. After 24 months I sold out of everything for pennies on dollar just to cover contracts and debt service. I just couldn't deal with the police anymore on a daily basis.
Marlena
I think on one hand you havec courage that many dont' have, because you do want to educate and share your life with people.
But in being so open and reaping *a job well done* for those who are interested in you and what you have to say...there will always be an instance where it goes wrong.
I think considering how many people you have shared this with that your record is pretty damn amazing.
But I like to play devils advoate, if let's say you have told say 20 people and you know know of one who was very upset by this.....my guess would be there is one other person who feelss this way. ANd that is strickly me guessing a random number.
Anyway, don't let this bother you too much, this was inivitable...you come out to enough people you will encounter people who finding this very upesetting.
Agreed, it probably was inevitable. What made it painful more than anything else was feeling like I badly misjudged things (since I'd thought by her previous comments/actions, she'd be OK with it).
Anyway, here's today's postscript:
I went back for my usual Sunday brunch determined to follow Tink's advice and just act completely normal. The manager greeted me with his usual over-exuberance. Maria was working another section, but I caught her eye as she passed and let her know that I had the coupons for her as per usual. She took them with her usual abundant thank you's.
Chalk one up to "commerical courtesy" I thought. But then....
I was head-down in the newspaper when, as she was passing by, Maria gave my hand a tap and gave me a big smile when I looked up. Then as was leaving, she gave a pat/rub on the back in the same sort of way she's done previously.
What's it all mean? I'm not really sure...
Obviously she wasn't avoiding me. It seems like she was treating me with the same familiarity as before. Maybe she's realized that even though she now knows something about me that freaked her out, I'm still me. Maybe realizing that I probably overheard her comments about me caused her to do some self-reflection. At this point, I'll leave it at "don't ask, don't tell."
Lena
A dream? What is a dream, but a blueprint for courageous action.
http://www.adahlshouse.com
What does this all mean? I have no clue. Either I was right about her over exaggerating things to her friends or she now BS-ing you (which I doubt) either way I would keep your guard up if I was you.
.
The River City Gems - Northern California's largest and most active crossdressing & transgender support group!
the fact that you use terms like 'general population' begs to differ.
just tought that needed to be pointed out.
but back on topic, i haven't had a bad experience yet. but have always been quite selective about who i tell, but that is your point.
i have no advice, but thanks for the eye opener.
i retract my previous statement,
i missed out the word "different" when i was reading it and it very much changes the meaning,
and my apologies to joy.
Actually Helen suggested the same thing. Which is entirely possible, because she was with a guy who was probably either an SO or a relative.
Yup. I won't be bringing it up again, unless she specifically asks about it.
Lena
A dream? What is a dream, but a blueprint for courageous action.
http://www.adahlshouse.com
Marlena
Could I ask when you went back were you dressed en femme? If not, it may be she can look you in the eye dressed as a man but not when looking at you in pictures en femme. Otherwise, hmmmm.
Your thread starter was very interesting and cautionary. Although I go out en femme at least once a week and have little fear in public, deep down I still care what people think. My wife is reasonably accepting but she seems to prefer that I dress when away from home. Or at least that may be my comfort zone when I am around people that I know.
It is a fine line between asserting our rights and confronting people. I've reached a stage where I have good friends (generally restaurant or hotel staff) who I relate to well dressed en femme. They are genuinely very pleased to see me, and are relaxed and chatty when I visit their establishments. However, I have decided not to go to these places when en homme to avoid challenging their thought processes.
The purist would be agast at this but it just is nice to have a circle of friends when en femme and I don't want to disturb the relationships. They know I am a man in a dress but they accept me that way.
I see this as a diferrent part of the same jigsaw.
Thanks for sharing Marlena.
Michelle (Oz)
It's better to be consistent in your self presentation than not. Since she knows, she doesn't have to be told any more. Since she has had a reaction, you needn't go any farther. But, apologizing, explaining further, etc. will just exacerbate the situation. Just relax and go on with your life. There's a saying "Don't ever trouble trouble till trouble troubles you." If something happens, deal with it then.
Olivia
"Sit down before fact as a little child, be prepared to give up every preconceived notion, ... or you shall learn nothing." - Thomas Henry Huxley
"There are three sexes - men, women and girls." - Ambrose Bierce
No, I was en homme.
There's no one way to be trans, so if it works for you that's a Good Thing.
I agree that for many people it's a lot easier to deal with one gender or the other, rather than seeing someone moving between them.
Lena
A dream? What is a dream, but a blueprint for courageous action.
http://www.adahlshouse.com
Hang in there, kiddo - you learned more about Maria than she learned about you. Don't ever change!
Marlena,
I understand your feelings. I can't seem to help being concerned about other people and their reactions to me. Have had to gain a bit of thick skin to endure the awkward times I have been read in public. Doesn't change that fact that I would rather always pass. Kind of a cop out, no pun intended, compared to the brave ones here who are more defiant in the face of being clocked or a revelation gone bad. I just keep it to myself, you all, and more or less tacitly, my wife. Oh, and the manager of my favorite women's clothing store. Joni
Finacarina,
Can you explain this statement a little further? This is very important to me as I'm moving to Central America.
Thanks
Finacarina
Can you explain that statement? Really important to me
Marlena,
What she told the man and how she is interacting with you doesn't match. If your pictures really made her sick to her stomach then she would have little if any physical contact with you. She would have thanked you for the coupons and kept her distance as much as possible. She didn't. I feel these are her true feelings. She had doubts that are now confirmed by your recent pictures and fear got the better of her. I think she had time to think it through and is more comfortable about it. I agree with the decison not to bring it up unless she does and to continue as you have been.
Police, Latinos, ... I think there's a lot of generalization going on with some of the statements.
Bonnie
Agreed. While certainly someone's cultural background may influence their views, I prefer to treat them as individuals making individual decisions until proven otherwise.
Lena
A dream? What is a dream, but a blueprint for courageous action.
http://www.adahlshouse.com
So went out for my usual Sunday brunch again and while I was waiting, Maria came up, gave me a big hug and said, "You'll forgive me, won't you?" I told her that I was sorry for putting her on the spot. "But you'll promise, you'll forgive me, won't you?" she replied. I told her yes, I did forgive her.
The restaurant was unusually busy, so afterwards we had only brief bits of conversation. Eventually she left me a note with her phone number, which said she was ashamed of herself and asked me to give her a call. I thanked her again and by the time I'd finished brunch, we both seemed to be putting it behind us.
Unfortunately I didn't get a chance to call her this evening since I went up to San Francisco and got caught in massive traffic jam. (Seemingly there was some big event at Pier 39 and Embarcadero was shut down, not a pretty combination.), So I didn't get home until too late. (It was too important to do on the cell while I sat in traffic.) I'll try to catch her tomorrow.
Lena
A dream? What is a dream, but a blueprint for courageous action.
http://www.adahlshouse.com
I for one, am very careful around older latina women. I do not want to expose myself to get an earful in public. As Carina said, this can be a bad move.
That said, people are people and they are all different. I have been very well treated by latin women when shopping in drab regardless of what they may have said after I left. I have also bought jewelry and perfume and tried it on with the help of a darling matronly catholic latin lady.
Furthermore, I am married to a Mexican GG that is as supportive and understanding as any. My ex is also Latina and totally accepts my cding including around our son and has never used it against me or revealed it to anyone. There are those latinas who get sick of their stomachs at the pervasive machismo of their cultures.
Marlena - thanks for the post. I enjoyed it. It sounds as if you have succeeded in opening the mind of one more latina. Thanks!
As for the lady wanting to move to Central America - go ahead. There are tvs all over. But there is no way you can generalize on this - in the same way you cannot in the good old USA. Every country is different. Some can be very dangerous . Some are OK. The bigger cities are more relaxed. Laws and police also vary from one extreme to the other in their tolerance and abuse.
Michelia
Marlena, I'm so glad that it seems to have worked out so good. It seems that you indeed have a good friend there.
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
Marlena, you're taking this way too seriously. Maria seems like a nice lady to me. When you come in for brunch she is kind and courteous. When you showed her the pictures she didn't throw you out or try to humiliate you. Even though she didn't agree with what you were doing she didn't say anything bad or hurtful to you. She kept her feelings to herself. When you were out later and overheard her conversation, she was with friends or family in an environment where she could say what she wanted without hurting anyone. How was she to know that you were listening? If this is how she feels then so be it but she wouldn't hurt you by saying it to you or to anyone who cared about you.
Quite frankly, I cannot imagine why you carry pictures of yourself to show to people. If you want to carry them fine. I don't have a problem with that. If you tell someone you are a crossdresser fine. I don't have a problem with that. If someone says, " Wow, do you have any pictures?" then by all means pull them out and show them. But to feel that you need to show anyone who you feel may be empathetic or accepting of your crossdressing......that I don't understand. You're looking for acceptance from people whose opinions just don't matter.
In truth, while we do care what others think about us, we really can't care that much. Not enough to let them (especially strangers or people we only know through social interraction) control what we do. You don't like me wearing a dress and makeup? I'm sorry, but I enjoy it. I may not like your hair fixed that way, but I'm not going to tell you. What would it accomlish? Be nice, be courteous, be aware that not everyone understands us. Some may not tell us. But, if you're still visiting that place a year from now and someone else makes a comment about a crossdresser.......you never know. Maria is just as likely to defend the crossdresser if you treat her with respect while knowing that she may not approve of what you do. People change through interraction with people like us.
I'm soooo sorry this happened to you. I've had a few experiences of people laughing and whispering to each other when they have seen me. It doesn't feel very good to be the recipient of that.
I heard a TG speaker say that it's not gender it's that we're different. In our culture different isn't highly thought of.
"Every desire of your body is holy. Did you hear what I said? Every desire of your body is holy"
Hafiz "The Gift" Translations by Daniel Ladinsky
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