Is telling your wife the best thing?

[Bev06 GG]

Is telling your wife the best thing? well Ive heard both sides of the argument. Most of us GGs have said that we would feel betrayed if our other halves lied to us or kept something a secret, but I do know of some who would rather not know at whatever cost.
I suppose it depends on the person, and you know your wife better than we do.
However, Im not sure that testing the waters is a good idea. I have female friends who think dressing is just fine, so long as its not their partner doing it, so you dont always get a true reflection of the reaction that your going to encounter.
I would advocate though what Kitty said about balance and not going OTT. If and when you do decide to tell her, please take things easy, even if she is completely Ok with it.
I love the dressing and it has definitely increased our social life and our circle of friends. However, my partner doesn't dress every waking hour and doesn't become obsessed with it if he can't. Im not so sure I'd be the supporting little partner if he became so obsessed that it started to rule his life and dominate our relationship. I wouldn't be too keen on it if he started to get depressed because he couldn't go full time. But what we have is really special and we both get to enjoy the balance. Sooo please bare that in mind if you do tell your wife and you do get the green light.
Good luck and I hope you have a peace with whatever decision you make.
Love Bev

[MsJanessa]

Bev is right---it really depends on the individual wife---some will accept it, even participate fully(and yes I mean sexually) in it, some will simply tolerate it as long as you keep it to yourself and other will simply walk out of the marraige---so unless you think your wife falls in one of the first two catagories you probably shouldn't tell her. The urge to "share" everything with your spouse is part of regretable trend I call the Oprahization" of society---lets face it--its a relatively rare marraige where couples share all there secrets---it used to be enough just to be kind, hardworking, sober, gentle and sexually faithful----now it's changed to we have to be completly compatible with our spouse and if we aren't then its a disaster. Probably explains why half of all marraiges end in divorce----the last time I remember hearing wedding vows nothing was said about " thou shalt not crossdress" nor was there anything said about telling your spouse everything. If you think she would take it badly, why tell her---unless you are looking for a divorce.

[Nicole]

Cindy, I've lived in fear, abuse, and denial before, and it took a huge toll on my health. I was so unhappy, much more than simply being alone. Yet I can't recommend a one-size-fits-all answer because there are so many things to consider. Total honesty with yourself is the key. Then you can decide what to do. Can you live in the shadows and be truly happy? Only you know for sure.

The problem is that she has already told you, point blank, that she doesn't want a husband who is a crossdresser. Too late! That's exactly what she has. Now you need to figure out why she said that. What is the underlying reason? Social pressure? Fear? A sexual turn-off? I think knowing the source of her feelings about it would help. Getting there, whew, that's the challenge isn't it? *wink*

Best of luck and I hope you will find a happy medium somewhere.

[Wendi0012]

I told my wife when we were dating, my wife is a very open-minded woman and after a long chat we set rules of acceptance. Since we have kids dressing at home is limited my wife knows loves and accepts me for me. Telling is the true test of any relationship if she truly loves you it's a no brainer!! Good Luck

[Sally24]

The best move I ever made was to tell my wife when she was just my girlfriend. She had a few questions and that was it. We had only been together for a few months and we were young so it was not so much a big deal. If I had waited until we had been married for years it might have been different. I am of the opinion that it is difficult to keep the secret forever. If you agree that it will eventually come out, then you should decide to do it in a controlled fashion instead of random. In most cases I would reccomend that you tell your wife. I think that is the best choice in most situations. Will it improve things? There's no guarentee, it might make things worse! You have to decide if not telling is more destructive to the relationship then telling. Only you can make that decision.

Good Luck!

Sally

[Lilith Moon]

I told about five years ago after some 20 years of secrecy. It went well at first, she seemed relieved that the big confession I had been hinting at was "only" about my crossdressing. We talked about it a lot, she helped with a few photo sessions and even helped buy some clothes.

Since then things have deteriorated. She still very occasionally makes positive comments but for most of the time her attitude is very frosty and her reaction to any talk of CD-ing is to immediately change the subject, as if she hasn't heard it. If I mention it more than once in a week she complains that I'm "Always talking about it". She is adamant that she does not wish to read about the topic and does not wish to participate in this forum "I don't want to be told what to think about crossdressing". She is also utterly terrified that anybody should ever find out about it. Even before the emotional shutters came down she would fuss around the house closing curtains, making sure that there were no tiny gaps where anybody might be able to see. This, in turn has had a negative effect on my emotional life and we seem to be locked in a sort of downward spiral. I can no longer bring myself to dress when she is around (almost all of the time) which makes me depressed. She know this and sees the crossdressing as a source of unhappiness for both of us. Counseling is out of the question...it would involve somebody knowing about my CD-ing and she could not countenance that.

Things are not all bad...we get on fine on an everyday basis, we have fun, we do lots of things together, but only if the dreaded CD subject is carefully avoided. Also, I no longer have to hide my stuff. It is all hanging neatly in my closet..trouble is, I never get to wear any of it.

Just my experience of sharing my crossdressing secret with my SO.

[Holly]

Cindy, as so many others have rightly commented, only you can decide what's "best" in your situation. But here's something to think about... What level of trust and honesty do you expect from your wife? Can you do any less for her?

[Mary Morgan]

Wow, this is a tough question. One could read it to say what is better for me? What is better for her? I don't think there is one universal answer, and I tihnk one should consider all the facts. Children no children?, religious idolotry? Good relationship, not so good relationship.


My own wife felt that I had taken my secret and thrust it onto her making it her secret. She resented that. I told her she could share it with anyone she wanted to and she resented that. Most of her issues were about what others would think. Interesting that we sometimes worry more about what others will think than about how our partners think. After the shock and anger wore off, and we could talk about it and come to a compromise. I dress as often as I want, which is not as often as I'd like. She shops for me, and with me, and we have made some room for my need. We are closer than ever although I am certain she would my dressing away. In the end, we have no secrets, we have restored integrity, honesty and trust, we have fun, and time marches on. To each his/here own. Be thoughful and caring.

[SandyR]

Cindy,


You know your wife better then anyone, but from what I have read she will not be very accepting about it, but will most likely deal with it. Not a best case. Mine knew long before I got busted, and its working out, she is supportive (other then the shaved legs thingy).

Good luck hun........

Huggs....

SandyR

[Jackie-Ann]

Only YOU...know your wife...................so take what you get here with a grain of salt...............if you think she would be more hurt knowing...then leave it be.

But if she is like me......I would be more upset that something was hidden from me....a feeling of being betrayed....but that is me.
Good luck with you decide...I know you asked what the girls would do....hope you don't mind hearing my :2c:

Hi, Di GG, its so true !!!....in my case I always let the women in my life know before I got seriously involved. I'm presently married and she knew when we dated. I don't believe in hidding such an important issue to your partner. Honesty is everything to me, Jackie-Anne

[Tree GG]

Now this is just one issue the spouse may have, but as I read these posts many at least hint at this point.

I read a survey once that asked the average US woman what her greatest fear/concern with their everyday life was. The largest number responded that security was issue #1 - being able to pay the mortgage, retire, provide for their children. I hope you can see how revealing CDing when already well into your life together can be seen as a security threat. Potential job loss, negative effects on children, etc.

Perhaps it would help the wives if the CD focused on this issue a little more - I know we've only discussed it briefly and sometimes I wonder if his position has changed on "coming out to the world". I know I would've been alot less anxious had he said the words, "Don't worry, our life plans are still priority #1 and I will do my utmost to protect our livelihood and family." I think he assumed I knew he felt that way, but wives have a need for security & reassurance (almost needy at times).

Just a thought that may alleviate some SO fears. :2c:

[Eugenie]

However, Im not sure that testing the waters is a good idea. I have female friends who think dressing is just fine, so long as its not their partner doing it, so you dont always get a true reflection of the reaction that your going to encounter.
Love Bev

Excellent comment Bev,

My SO feels exactly like that. She is extremely tolerant with other people being CD or Transsexuals, but she is far less happy whith my X-dressing as it hits too close from home... So she tolerates but doesn't like it...

So SO may be accepting the idea in general and be upset if it hits their husband or partner.

I've come out to several GG friends, all of them accepted me very well, but all of them told me that they wouldn't have accepted that their husband be a X-dresser...

However, if the SO had a positive attitude in general about x-dressing, it may presume of a slightly more positive outcome than if the SO answers bluntly "I hate these men who dress as women", at least, there is a chance that it won't be a total rejection... But no guaranty still...

Thanks again for your wise comment (as usual )

Eugenie

[kathy gg]

. I've dropped hints in the past and she finally shut me down when I asked about mascara saying she didn't want a crossdresser for a husband. So she has her suspicions and has basically told me where she stands. It hasn't been brought up since.

It would just be nice to be completely honest with her and dress with less guilt. Maybe even start building a wardrobe (which is the selfish reason for telling her).
Thanks again, girls.

Cindy I think you already have an answer. At this point telling her will only either make her do or say something very regretable as in a ridiculous ultimatum or separation.

Really some women never can *get it* or understand, even to an extent that they desire to stay married. Some women can never get the mental picture of their husband en femme out of their mind and it becomes a thorn forever in their head.

As Di said, only you raelly know yoru wife, but from what you posted I can't see that this is information she wants confirmed. My guess is she already got the hint but has chosen to lock it away in the cavern of her head. She choses not to take this discussion further.

This is a lose- lose situation for both of you.

My hope is all the other reasons you married her outweigh your need to be honest about this side of yourself.

[Sweet Cindy]

Sorry to resurect such an old thread, but I just wanted to thank everyone for taking the time to let me know their thoughts. It means so much to me to have all of you to talk to and the support is exactly what I was hoping for on this forum.

Everyone gave me something to think about and I know it's ultimately my decision but it certainly helps to talk about it. I think I'll just keep it to myself for now while I work out what to do. Life is a bit crazy right now and I wouldn't dream of bringing it up now. I've probably hinted enough as it is. Day by day for now, and keeping an eye out for the right time.

Thanks again, everyone!
Cindy

[suzy]

Hi Sweet Cindy,

That is a difficult and individual question. Everyone's situation is as different as the opinions that you have received here!!

In my humble opinion, yes, you need to talk it over with your wife. I can't see where hiding this will help build a or upon a trusting and loving relationship.

I feel it is your duty to share these feelings with your wife and deal with the consequences that arise. Good luck... we're always here to help and offer assistance.

My wife knows, and is supportive and I know how fortunate that I am to have that.

Suzy:D

[slamddoger]

how longe have you kept it a secret from your wife maybe you can let hint out frist.

[helenr]

As others have very sensibly explained, the acceptance issue is so complex. I can imagine most women seeing a movie about transgendered people and feeling empathy-kind of a natural feminine thing, yet when 'their man' displays this behavior, that corrupts their image of masculinity, the strong 'foil' to their own femininity. I have been married nearly 25 years and still conceal my daily crossdressing-pantyhose,etc. My wife knows but prefers to ignore this very important to me issue. I wish it were otherwise, but we learn in the school we're taught, and her background doesn't include this sort of tolerance. I wish I had known before we married that such a strong drive as transvestism (since age 5-6) can't be extinguished and I would have told potential dates/spouses that I was 'different' and maybe would have found a woman open to this desire. So, please be very careful and observant as to her attitudes so you don't both get hurt. good luck, Helen in CO

[jenny c]

in my case it was the best thing to do come out to her i hated all the lies and i was lucky she accepted it. but it does depend on many factors whether to come clean to you S.O. only you know them and another one is finding the right time too!!

[Dixie Darling]

Cindy,

This is a sort of 'cache 22' situation. On one hand, you want to tell her so as to be up front and honest about yourself and not to be holding back any secrets from her. On the other hand, if you do come out to her and she refuses to accept it, there's no way to "un-tell" her and put things back the way they were.

Others here have given you some good advice already. NOT telling her puts you at risk for being accidentally discovered later on. This is probably the worst case scenario since she would then have trust issues with you and wonder just what ELSE you may not have told her. You've indicated that the two of you have a good relationship at this point in time. The continued quality of that relationship is directly proportional to how she might take the news IF you told her. At the very least, a TOLERANT attitude would be something to hope for while one of acceptance would be the goal you would be seeking the most. The problem is not knowing whether either of these would be the outcome, and from your indications it doesn't look too favorable since you've told us that she's already made the statement that she "doesn't want a crossdresser for a husband".

If you do happen to decide to tell her, and she's intolerant about it, be prepared for some major changes in your relationship. I can speak from experience when I tell you that intimacy will very likely suffer severely and could (as it did in my case) cease entirely. YOU know that you haven't changed and you're the same person you've always been, but regardless as to how factual this is, HER image of you will be different. This is mainly due to her lack of knowledge about what a heterosexual crossdresser really is. I would guess that what she's seen on programs like the Springer show, and what negative things she may have read about is all she knows about the subject. As just about everyone on this forum knows, those are NOT typical examples of most crossdressers.

Now over on the OTHER side of the equation, if she COULD be educated about what crossdressing actually is, and even MORE importantly what it ISN'T, you might stand a chance of finding some degree of understanding which could lead to a compromise of some sort upon which you could build. With this in mind you might want to try 'feeling her out' and introducing some ideas and reputable materials in a VERY subtle way and see what kind of reactions you might get.

Dixie -- http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd

[aka.laura]

Depends on how important CDing is to one. When it's a real big part of your life and personality: tell her. When things go wrong: bad luck, but better early than late. When she tolerates it: OK. When she LIKES it: lucky you. When it's not that important to you, and when you can do with the odd chance you get to dress: why bother, leave it at that. Don't take any risks. For me, I'm very happy my wife knows, I feel, it deepened our relationship.

[melissacd]

I don't mean the right thing, I mean the best thing.

I'm still wrestling with whether or not to tell my wife. I don't see how telling her will cause anything but pain. It seems like it's only to help myself. I don't want to hide something about myself from her, but maybe it's for the best. And given the number of horror stories about divorce and wives who would rather not know that I've read on here, maybe it's best that this is my little secret.

The urge to dress only seems to come up when the opportunity to dress is available (pretty convenient). My wife is back at work now and that means my lunch break will be spent driving home to let our dog out and this is the time I used to dress in the past. Now that this schedule is revving up again, I find the urge to dress returning (I'm wearing a red thong under my work clothes as I type this). Since I don't have any burning desire to be 24/7, maybe it's best that this is just my own secret hobby.

If you've told your wife, are you glad you did or do you regret it?
If you're planning to tell her, let me know your feelings too.
Thanks girls. Just looking to cause the love of my life the least grief possible.

We are all different. All of our situations are different. What we can live with is different. I can obviously only speak for myself. Keeping this a secret was for me very difficult. I struggled with it because I realized that I needed to do this and yet I hated hiding it from my spouse. The repression, guilt and shame were taking their toll on my health and I eventually reached a point where I had to fess up come what may. In my case the outcome of telling has been negative in that it has cost me 10 years of grief in my relationship and ultimately it has cost me my marriage. On the positive side though I feel that I am only now beginning to emerge as the real me and with all of the pain that I have gone through I still feel that I am becoming a better and healthier person for it. So for me it was the right thing to do.

Huggs
Melissa

[Lovely Rita]

Opinions are like elbows on this one, everyone has one. I think this is a decision one can only make alone. I would not even dare to advise on this one. It can go either way.

[MJ]

Only YOU...know your wife...................so take what you get here with a grain of salt...............if you think she would be more hurt knowing...then leave it be.

But if she is like me......I would be more upset that something was hidden from me....a feeling of being betrayed....but that is me.
Good luck with you decide...I know you asked what the girls would do....hope you don't mind hearing my :2c:

i am with Di here too, i think the big problem is sooner or later she is going to find out......... and then how will she feel like Di said :- I would be more upset that something was hidden from me....a feeling of being betrayed....

this is soooo hard to call , she as told you how she feels about cding , and you love her, but she could end your marrage over this . i hid mine for 21years.. sooner or later she will find out