case study

[Stephenie S]

OMG Kitty, my immediate thought is no, this will never work. There is just no hint of cooperation from the CDer. Marriage is a compromise and without compromise you will never get it to work at all. My quick judgment of this relationship is that it's headed down the road to disolution, bigtime. So no, it's not possible for this CD/SO coouple to have a sucessful partnership if the current attitudes are maintained.

And there's the key, right there. It looks to me like you are the managing director of this situation, and I would say that if you can lay down the law, i.e. provide a framework that demands an equal participation from both parties, you may be able to save it. Although you may not want to do it, it may be time for those words we all dread, "It's my way or the highway". At the present time it seems that those are the words you are receiving from the CDer even though they are not really being spoken, only acted.

I think that CDing is not relevant to this issue at all. This is just a very one-sided selfish relationship and it can't work this way. Substitute my favorite, "fishing" for CDing and you have described a fishing fanatic who is working hard to destroy his marriage. Substitute any activity that you want here, and taken to the extreme you describe, with the thoughtlessness and inconsideration you describe, and you have a picture of someone hell bent on dissoving a relationship. This is not to say some relationships do work under these conditions. We have all heard of the "fishing widow", and I know one couple were the husband is a policeman, and I truly don't know if the man even exists. In the 10 years I have known them, I have NEVER even seen him. He is always on the job, or training, or hanging out with his buds, or, if home, he's sleeping. He could be immaginary for all I know, except that he has fathered two children. I know another couple in which the man builds Kentucky long rifles for a hobby and I never see him either except at meal times.

I think that waiting for Mr CDer to fix his behavior here is a lost cause. Unless you are able to set some rules, and rules with teeth, I don't see how this will work. Perhaps the threat of absolute refusal to alow ANY CDing at all in return for FULL participation in the relationship would work, but it's a little late to hold out much hope. As I said, I think CDing is a non issue here. It's the refusal to participate in a relationship that's that's causing the trouble here. Fix that, and the CDing won't matter.

JMHO dear,

Stephenie