Raver, you express the issue very well. It's easy to get defensive about many things when reading some of these posts. Some, not all.

I'd like to paraprase a quote from Helen Boyd's 1st book. (I do not maintain that she is the ultimate authority on TGness, but the lady has done an impressive amount of research and makes some very informed, common sense statements.) "Some people are just bad husbands/wives." When CDing comes in contact with one of these people, IMO, someone is going to get hurt every time. Since no one would want to admit they are a "bad partner", it's much easier to live with blaming the other person.

Those who post that they should be able to do whatever they want, whenever they want, where ever they want, with whom they want are absolutely right. That is their privilege as an adult in a somewhat free society. However, there is a price to be paid for that freedom and many times it is paid for with lack of successful, long-term intimate relationships (either romantic or friendly). It can't always be about the one in any relationship. At some point, you have to put yourself (your needs, your wants) 2nd so the other can be #1 for awhile. And vice versa.

If you look at the history of posts for most members, I believe you'll find a progression of understanding, tolerance and acceptance (either of themselves or their spouse). Those that keep growing, eventually find no need for a support group and leave the fold. Many never progress to a CD comfort zone in their "real" day-to-day lives and hang around forever with on-line forums being the "real" world for CDing issues. Others take a look and say "No flippin' way" and leave the sites and relationship immediately, never looking back. All are valid options, depending on your perspective.

I'm still here. I'm not 100% sure why, but I do know that I've met some very interesting, great people that I want to maintain contact with. Also, I'm still curious. Not sure about what, but I keep wondering what's happening in CDs.com-world. Perhaps an unhealthy obsession, perhaps a sense of community. Doesn't matter - when I receive no benefit of some kind for coming here, I'll stop.

But in the end, what is most important to me is what my CDer is wanting to do and how that will effect our life. What is said in this forum, from enlightening to ridiculous, is simply education of the possibilities. And a good number of valued hugs when the going gets tough. I refuse to internalize any perceived "blame" heaped on the SO by venting CDs or rejected husbands. As my husband will say whenever I mention an outlandish post, "I didn't do it!" :D And he didn't - neither did I. It makes the defensiveness easier to dismiss.