Raverbabe, I do agree with you to a point. Many do blame the SO's, but I caulk that up to the point that we are mostly CDers here so there is more of that point of view. I see the validity of the blame is always questionable as we never have the full story from both points of views.
IMO a lot of the blame should go to generally poor relationship skills and communication. These are not usually taught and most of us to not try to improve them on our own. And last time I checked there was not a manual for marriage. Then add most do not seem to get help from a professional when the relationship gets on the rocks. And if they do they often wait too late and one of the partners has already given up. Then add to that many go for help with the CDing to those that are not qualified. And all of the other issues are over looked.
Along the lines of communication there is also the spouse, CD or GG that will not open up to the other one. And interestingly it seems that the one that is trying to get the other open up and talk / communicate is fairly open minded and trying to communicatea, as in the case of the GG or in the case of the CD being open and not pushing the GG.
After that there are so many different situations that it is hard IMHO to push the blame to either side. And not just CDing issues, but all marriage / relationship issues. They are all inter-related.
But a couple of large issues I often see is:
A CDer wants acceptance from a spouse and others but they have yet to accept them self. The CDer is a moving target and they often seem to not allow the Spouse into their inner world so they can understand a bit better and help. It is hard for anyone to understand something that may change from day to day.
A CDer, say age 40 has been dealing with there CDing all their life and is either found out or coming to some type of self acceptance and wants to come out to their spouse. The CDer has had a life time of dealing with, and often seem to have the attitude that the Spouse should suddenly accept them for who they are. Get real. 40 years versus a few days, months, or even years is not fair. There is a lot of communication that needs to be done as for the CDing. Then add in any other issues there may be.
The CD's and SO's come here looking for help and support. There is a lot of information here. IMHO, often the CDers think they are or need to be like other CDers. When they really need to look within them self and see who they are and what they really want out of life. And the SO's look at what other CD's / TG's / TS's are and do and think that is who their CD spouse is. When they need to be talking with their CD to try and understand who they are and what they may want.
