How do I really feel about it? What time is it? It changes in a heartbeat so I'll try to only mention the things that rarely change.

I'll start superficial. He has just a gorgeous male form, IMO, that any 45 yr old man would be envious of. Hell, most 30 yr olds don't look that good. I am puzzled why he couldn't appreciate his natural beauty.

He shows me emails or correspondence w/ other CDs in various support groups. The way they talk......hugs and "delightful" and "fabulous" and "sister".....honestly, it's quite nauseating at times. Anything male is "disgusting". ???? Wait a minute, I like alot of men, and the upper-crust wanna be, superficial, appearance driven female (or male) makes me hurl. Granted, I don't know many of these ultra disgusting men he and so many talk about....either I just have never interacted with them or I suspect they don't really exist. It's an act they drop when I'm around for some reason. But then I don't associate w/ many women who say "darling" and "isn't that precious" very much, either.

Generally CDs complain about being "labelled", but they're the biggest offenders. Labelling attitudes, actions & appearance "female" - avoiding anything they label "male". We spoke last evening of the domination thing. As a sexually active woman, I have never, in all our years, felt dominate or submissive with him during sex. He echoes that feeling. It's all about shared intimacy and pleasing & being pleased by the other. No control over, no "who's in charge", no "boys/girls can't do that". As I see it, gender has little to do with anything other than procreation. Other than that, it only has the meaning we assign it and I'm still baffled why TG persons put so much importance on it and then label it so strictly.

It has caused distress to my children. I cannot allow that. Mother-bear syndrome I guess, but I will educate, protect and try my best to teach but at a pace my child dictates is acceptable. Anything else is "tough tits" and get over it. No compromise - if there ever comes a time that my child (any family for that matter) is uncomfortable to come to my home because of it, there will be loads of anger and resentment on my part.

I do appreciate how sweet, gentle, loving and faithful my husband is. Now which came first - the fire or the phoenix ? If they go hand-in-hand, I will accept CDing as I am not willing to give up his disposition.

He obsesses about it - every day; maybe every minute as far as I know. Looking for next opportunity. Hoping to gain some kind of insight; some kind of validation or direction. I can't help there and I get annoyed that it takes away from other facets of our life too often(IMO). But then he has always been obsessive about any interest/activity he was involved in; that's not new.

Along those lines, I cannot treat Darlene differently than I treat my husband any other time. Actually, she's kinda boring. I do enjoy the increased communication and letting her out has definitely made him a happier, more easy going person, but when dressed she doesn't do much whereas he is always running around doing something. She'll break a nail, or muss her makeup or rumble her hair or soil a garment Hello....there's a reason Barbie doesn't move much and she's pretty dull after about the age of 16.

I do not see it as an "expression of the woman within", just a costume that he feels is necessary. Exactly what it means and it's importance is obviously different to each of us, but then my opinion is not important in that regard. Do I enjoy it? I enjoy looking at clothes and researching the community with him just as much as I enjoy walks in the woods with him or evenings on the patio with him. He is the common denominator, not the activity.

OK, nobody really wanted to read all this. As best I can sum it up, today Jul 24, 2007, I appreciate that this transgender expression is important to him; it has never been a fantasy, curiosity or desire of mine; I accept him as he is and will support him up to the point that this "activity" interferes, jeopardizes or harms the other people I love. Just as I can't be all things to him, he can't be my all. I regret that I don't share his enthusiasm for the activity only because I know it disappionts him, but I won't lie about it. I will be willing to learn, stretch the status-quo and grow, but I also feel that by crossdressing to full femme, he's shunning a gift he was given in this life and not fully dealing with the challenges that go along with it. He has the opportunity to show the world that gentle men are wonderful & powerful - by presenting female, I think that message gets lost. (I will duck now for that one )

If this is who he chooses to be, I respect his right to choose. I am learning to take that same responsibility for myself.