Thank you Lana Mae! I'm looking for therapists but I don't see anyone who actually says that they are a gender therapist in my area. I see a lot that deal with sexuality and some of them have said that they have counseled transgender clients before but I don't know anything about how that counseling went or anything. I'm afraid to start throwing money at this for the wrong therapist but I do need to start talking to someone.

General update: My mom talked to my dad about my plan to gradually lose weight and he responded "Is he thinking of becoming a woman again?" My mom didn't answer that and he said "Because I'd be okay with that. I'm not the same person I was before." I had hinted at this previously when my father used to drive me home from work (I had a 45 minute commute and I remember him sounding pretty accepting. I don't know why I didn't tell him sooner. It's just great to know that my family is on board with me as I explore my identity more further and decide if transition is necessary for me. They told me "We'll probably be an island but at least you'll have us" which is true because the rest of my family is super religious and have not held the best stance on the LGBT community in the past. My girlfriend wants to be supportive but I don't think she can for the same reasons plus she wants a man in her life. Sometimes I wonder if she and I would make better friends than lovers. I still love her deeply but I don't want to hurt her. Maybe the best thing I can do for her is to let her go and pursue what she needs to pursue. I feel sad because she's had a hard life and that would make me just another in a long list of people (mostly men (at least biologically) who have failed her but I think if I really need to transition keeping her would only hurt her more than holding on would help. I hope I'm wrong but that's the read I get on the situation.

My own thoughts on God are also holding me back. I keep feeling like God is telling me to remain a man. I don't know if that's that still, small voice telling me that this is a bad idea or if it is just religious hangups for me. Because when I think about transition and exploring my identity I get nervous but on the whole since I've started talking about this I feel better and happier and am taking positive actions in my life. These are motivated by my desire to explore these issues and (potentially transition) I wonder if perhaps I should listen to my actions more than my feelings and stop thinking and start doing, but then why didn't I do that when I sank back into dysphoria? All of my actions at that time were masculine and dysphoria was just a feeling so why not follow the same advice? I need to get out of my head and take advantage of the freedom I have at long last been given. I have a chance to explore this with support from my parents so I think I should do that. Still though why the nervousness? Why the feeling like I might be making a mistake? Why the feeling like I'm going against God?