The elephant in MY room is starting to make some noise

[Sara Jessica]

I'll make this as quick as I can, we shall see how successful am.

Those who know me in these pages understand that I have pushed many limits when it comes to minor body modifications (©VM ) and this has fed into my elephant in the room theory about how others perceive these things. For example...

Shave the legs, hmmm, he does ride a road bike you know. Does everyone notice? Sure. Anyone really say anything, not so much.

Wax the eyebrows, things kind of begin and end with a hmmm. Have been called out on this once. People would have to be blind not to notice that I've done something here.

Facial hair removal via electrolysis. We're doing a gradual clearing and at this point, the trees are non-existent on the entire cheeks and noticeably less-dense about the goatee area. Anyone else notice? Not so sure but then again, I do tweeze the rest when I go out so there is zero growth or shadow for about a week thereafter. That has to look a bit odd.

Put all these together and people could conceivably come to some sort of TG conclusion but i'd be paranoid to suggest that this would be likely. The elephant is in the room but she's still being good.

Now add the long hair. I'm here to say all bets are off at this time. I've said before, the elephant in my room has started to sing some show tunes. I'm thinking others are starting to hear her melody.

Case in point, meeting up with some friends a few weeks ago. I was the last to arrive when one of them greets me with "hey birthday girl". This is one of my best friends and I've shrugged off several similar comments in the recent past. This was simply another one.

The latest, was at a nearby restaurant bar watching game 6 of Kings vs. Devils (painful for moi given that I'm a Ducks fan). Was with another one of my best friends who I have written about in the past (ie - calling me out on my eyebrows, saying "your daddy smells like a girl", etc.). He is bugging me to get onto Facebook (guy mode, of course) of which I have no interest (I do have a "Sara" account set up that I've done little to nothing with). He says the other day "don't worry, no one will find out you're a crossdresser by going on Facebook".

My reply, "you promise?".

Lame but it was the best I could do.

I've promised myself of late that if any of my close friends were to call me out on this TG thing, that I would be honest in coming clean. Thing is, he missed the mark ever-so-slightly by using the term crossdresser so I'm keeping to my promise by not educating him on the nuances of the TG spectrum. Still, I'm quite sure he is seeing and hearing my elephant loud and clear at this point, probably waiting until I bite on one of his jabs. Someday I may do so but out of respect for my wife who desires zero disclosure to others, I will not go there until he hits the bullseye, so to speak.

I've had in mind to share this tale but there is a very important reason why I'm doing so now. Tis the season for some in these pages to let that body fur grow back and the advice is oft given that no one will notice, just stay smooth. This is not true. People do notice these things. The average dude does not sport smooth legs. But these days, people process it and with enough sporting reasons out there for smooth legs along with the modest metrosexual trend. They are conditioned to think little or nothing of it. But my tale is a lesson for those who choose to keep their TG nature bottled up away from those closest to them, keep piling the mods on as I have done and your elephant may be hard to keep quiet as well. It all depends on what your own personal situation is, how much you want out there.

[PretzelGirl]

I would say that the elephant is sitting on your friend at this point. I do like your rule about telling. I have a similar one that if I am busted in sight or word, then I will admit it. The tap dancing route has its own pitfalls and I don't want to go there. I did do it once and have felt guilty since. And someone else has mentioned my elephant in the room to me recently......

But people do realize something is up with the changes. The part is whether they know enough to do the math. Some people just aren't going to suspect this because it isn't in the forefront of their mind. And you have that extra barrier of the agreement with your wife. That does bring up a conflict. What if your best friend hit the mark closer and asked if you were TG? Now if you admit it, you go against your wife's wishes. That can be a tough thing to work through. When we choose to push things forward, we do cause ourselves these dilemmas that we need to think about in advance.

[Sara Jessica]

Great points Sue. Seems our elephants know one another!!!

I would say that the elephant is sitting on your friend at this point.

D'ya think???

She's not being a very nice elephant.

But people do realize something is up with the changes. The part is whether they know enough to do the math.

Those who end up doing the math end sometimes end up solving the equation without knowing how they got there.

What if your best friend hit the mark closer and asked if you were TG? Now if you admit it, you go against your wife's wishes. That can be a tough thing to work through. When we choose to push things forward, we do cause ourselves these dilemmas that we need to think about in advance.

Good question. He's never going to hit the mark but if he were to simply ask a question instead of blurting out these smart-ass comments, I would be in a position to answer...truthfully.

I brought up the eyebrow comment to my wife after it happened. She brushed it off but I told her at that time that if anyone calls me out on it, I would be honest with them.

[Soriya]

But people do realize something is up with the changes. The part is whether they know enough to do the math.

This is true with any change people notice. The fact is though, people tend to go with their own math whether they are right or wrong. That is society today. If your not comfortable telling your friends, then don't. There is nothing wrong with shaving your legs or even plucking your eyebrows even if your not a TG of any kind. What about people who do these things simply because they like it? I started shaving all my body hair after a fitness contest years ago to show more muscle definition and when I did, I liked more that way thus I kept it and now it's a plus since I started dressing again. The only thing I don't shave regularly is my legs but simply because it's a pain. Electrolysis on your facial hair? So what. I have thought about it a few times myself and not for TG reasons but simply because it's a pain in the neck sometimes, not to mention I am blessed with good genes and when clean shaven, I look 10 years younger. I have no desire to ever grow any facial hair. Tried it a few times but ehh, not for me.

This is all up to you of course. If you are planning on going full time at some point then sure, you won't be able to avoid the disclosure at some point but if your not and really don't want to disclose your TG side, then don't. The elephant in the room in any case is always on somebody else, not you, for any changes you make to your image whether it's TG related or not. People are just naturally curious, especially if it relates to something they wouldn't do for themselves thus they don't understand.

[gonegirl]

Dear Sara,

I agree with you that people do notice things eventually. I am heading toward a similar situation, a day of reckoning if you will, as I shape my brows, shave my legs, and grow my hair long. The latter brings back good memories of my skateboarder punk days many years ago

I just wanted to say that I hope everything works out well for you and thanks for sharing this with the forum. Please let us know how things progress. Remember, a problem shared is a problem halved.

McKenzie

[docrobbysherry]

Some folks r just more observant than others, Sara. My ex is VERY observant! When she's coming by, I'm careful not to leave ANYTHING to do with Sherry out!

My daughter who lives with me part ISN'T! She completely clueless and self absorbed. Normally, those r great sources of friction between us. But, it works for Sherry! My daughter has bumped into our elephant a couple of times.

She said, "Where'd this dam thing come from? Well, it's NOT mine and I'm NOT cleaning up after it!" WHEW!

[Joann Smith]

the Elephant in my room is so damm big i do not know how anyone can not notice it ....yet nothing has been said ...not sure what to make of that ...But I do know that if any ones has the balls to confront me my response will be

"Damm what took you so long to ask!"

Joann

[Dana921]

I had to think of your friend saying it was basically ok to be a crossdresser (even if not the right terminology) means he is one himself, know someone who is (other than yourself) or an admirer! Obviously I have no way of knowing but it did make me wonder because of his statement. I do think we often give off signals, without us being aware we do so, that those being observant or more aware of certain traits for whatever reason, will pick up. In any case I hope it works out to your favor!

Dana

[Ally 2112]

I know i have an elephant how big it is im not sure ?.I have changed quite a bit, lost a lot of weight form my eyebrows shaved off my goatee i had for about 15 yrs and now i shave my chest all year long (legs winter only bummer ) .The hair has not changed much it's been long for a long time ,but i do have it cut in a bob style girls cut now

[Cherry Lynn]

I have been growing my hair out for about 4 years, shave my whole body but legs are only part others see, get my eyebrows waxed when I go to the hairdresser. I got my ears pierced 2 years ago and several months ago asked my hairdresser to color my hair. I usually wear diamond studs in my ears but have some small hoops with diamonds that I wear unless working. I get mani's and pedi's with color on the toes and clear on the fingers. I have had several comments about the fingernails, hair color, earrings and long hair but I do not think they have completely figured it out yet, I may be wrong. I think my elephant may be getting a little overweight too but it has not slowed me down yet.

[Kathi Lake]

Honestly? People don't like to see elephants. Most people don't like to see things that conflict with their viewpoint or would take extra effort for them to understand. They would much rather invent some other reason why these things are going on, rather than confront you on it. Result? They essentially toss a mental throw rug over it and decide to pretend it doesn't exist. So, for most of the people that come into contact with you, they deny your elephant's existence, and invent other reasons for these modifications - midlife crisis, changes in grooming habits, etc., as the truth is just too much effort for them to conceive. That's my thought, anyway.

Sorry this was so uncharacteristically quick (for me, anyway). I have to go feed my elephant.



Kathi

[Beverley Sims]

I have admitted it on a couple of occasions and it was passed over as a joke and too unbelievable to be true.

[Sarah Doepner]

There are two parts to this issue; 1- other peoples perceptions of us as we change and, 2- our own awareness of how much the cumulative change we make in ourselves actually is. Kathi is right about a lot of the people we may encounter, the either don't notice, don't care or come up with a more convenient explanation that fits their world view. We can't control how anyone else sees or perceives us but we do need to have a plan on how to respond if they ask questions. This can be anything from flat out denial to the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Everyone will have their own path and constraints there, spouse, kids, job, church, self-image and so on, so there is no single answer for that one. The second issue is one we control. We just have to recognize how much each little modification contributes to the overall image we send. It's so easy to feel like you are moving so very slowly because you only change one thing a week. But your friend or family member who only sees you monthly or once a year will see them all at once. As long as you are making changes and you are not fooling yourself, saying no one will notice, go ahead.

Sara, I guess there is a third problem as well. Like so many around here, you have such a pretty elephant, she needs to be fed, watered, exercised and seen to be happy. And if our elephant isn't happy, we ain't happy, so it increases the chances for this problem to surface. Good luck.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

tick tock tick tock....

[Sara Jessica]

This is true with any change people notice. The fact is though, people tend to go with their own math whether they are right or wrong. That is society today. If your not comfortable telling your friends, then don't. There is nothing wrong with shaving your legs or even plucking your eyebrows even if your not a TG of any kind. What about people who do these things simply because they like it? I started shaving all my body hair after a fitness contest years ago to show more muscle definition and when I did, I liked more that way thus I kept it and now it's a plus since I started dressing again. The only thing I don't shave regularly is my legs but simply because it's a pain. Electrolysis on your facial hair? So what. I have thought about it a few times myself and not for TG reasons but simply because it's a pain in the neck sometimes, not to mention I am blessed with good genes and when clean shaven, I look 10 years younger. I have no desire to ever grow any facial hair. Tried it a few times but ehh, not for me.

This is all up to you of course. If you are planning on going full time at some point then sure, you won't be able to avoid the disclosure at some point but if your not and really don't want to disclose your TG side, then don't. The elephant in the room in any case is always on somebody else, not you, for any changes you make to your image whether it's TG related or not. People are just naturally curious, especially if it relates to something they wouldn't do for themselves thus they don't understand.

Outstanding advice Soriya. It serves to remind me of the obvious, that I'm under NO OBLIGATION to disclose ANYTHING if I don't want to. My appearance is my business and what others perceive and think is theirs.

Still, it will be an interesting day when I do get specifically called out. If this is pulled in a "Jeopardy" fashion (phrased in the form of a question), then I do think I'll stick to my plan and let honesty prevail.

I had to think of your friend saying it was basically ok to be a crossdresser (even if not the right terminology) means he is one himself, know someone who is (other than yourself) or an admirer! Obviously I have no way of knowing but it did make me wonder because of his statement. I do think we often give off signals, without us being aware we do so, that those being observant or more aware of certain traits for whatever reason, will pick up. In any case I hope it works out to your favor!

Dana

I know that it's hard to peg a person for what they might do when no one else is looking. For example, if it were to come out to one of my friends that I am TG, there'd be no real shock in that. After all, just look at my appearance. Yet with this particular friend, I would be absolutely floored if he were any sort of TG himself, let alone an admirer. He is a guy's guy who can be so very happy laying on a raft in my pool with a beer in hand patting his moderately rotund (and extraordinarily hairy) belly, just as proud as he can be. And I can pretty much guarantee that the only TG he knows is me, even if he is not quite certain yet.

Honestly? People don't like to see elephants. Most people don't like to see things that conflict with their viewpoint or would take extra effort for them to understand. They would much rather invent some other reason why these things are going on, rather than confront you on it. Result? They essentially toss a mental throw rug over it and decide to pretend it doesn't exist. So, for most of the people that come into contact with you, they deny your elephant's existence, and invent other reasons for these modifications - midlife crisis, changes in grooming habits, etc., as the truth is just too much effort for them to conceive. That's my thought, anyway.

Sorry this was so uncharacteristically quick (for me, anyway). I have to go feed my elephant.



Kathi

I generally agree with you about elephants. People will automatically default to that which is familiar in order to provide some sort of explanation and then they move on. The question is whether there is a tipping point where more thought is required of them and the TG thing comes into play. I guess my point is that I think I've gotten to that point with at least some people.

BTW, I hope your elephant is happy and well-fed!!!

And both of these comments made me smile....

Sara, I guess there is a third problem as well. Like so many around here, you have such a pretty elephant, she needs to be fed, watered, exercised and seen to be happy. And if our elephant isn't happy, we ain't happy, so it increases the chances for this problem to surface. Good luck.

tick tock tick tock....

[tara t]

i've changed a lot recently as well. my elephant is starting to sing a bit too . i'm undecided if its a good or bad thing .

[Sophie_C]

I say joke but don't deny. Sure, you're girly. Of course, right. The humor gets people's guards down while simultaneously getting them used to it, without the fear of having it so head-on.

[KellyJameson]

Hi Sara

I really enjoyed these words of yours.

Friendship can be difficult sometimes because the friendship is invested in maintaining the status quo. We are judged by the company we keep and those who wish to be seen in a certain way will associate with others that support this.

They value you and try to keep you the same so that they do not have to change.

It seems like we are always confronted with a choice between two forms of pain.
Living truly and possibly alone or living false but surrounded by others.

I also think this is an illusion and that it is possible to live truly and be surrounded by those that love us but we must first find the strength to become comfortable with
loss. Loss of friends, security and a bought measure of inner peace that is dependant on being what others want of us.

Our lives become like a piece of fabric that is torn in half when we move from being
what others know to what they do not know and to the degree they value the friendship they will resist your changes.

Only those who have gone walked threw the fire of becoming who they were destined to be will understand the importance of allowing you to be who you were meant to be.


"If a person does not keep pace with their companions, perhaps it is because they hear a different drummer. Let them step to the music which they hear, however measured or far away". Henry David Thoreau

[Marleena]

Sara the problem with elephants is they take up a lot of space and are hard to contain. They will get noticed eventually and they're hard to explain away. Some will understand having her and some won't. I don't think you can hide her forever.

[Joann Smith]

Honestly? People don't like to see elephants. Most people don't like to see things that conflict with their viewpoint or would take extra effort for them to understand. They would much rather invent some other reason why these things are going on, rather than confront you on it. Result? They essentially toss a mental throw rug over it and decide to pretend it doesn't exist. So, for most of the people that come into contact with you, they deny your elephant's existence, and invent other reasons for these modifications - midlife crisis, changes in grooming habits, etc., as the truth is just too much effort for them to conceive. That's my thought, anyway

Sorry this was so uncharacteristically quick (for me, anyway). I have to go feed my elephant.



Kathi

I would agree with this whole heartly ...I know for a fact that all of my sisters have felt my bra clasp when they give me a hugg ...they even rub it ...but yet no question ...no comments nothing .....My big brother once called me on it ....then backed off and refused to listen to my response ....he said ..."you know what ....I do not even want to know...you and your wife are the freakiest couple i know ....nevermind'.. and he has not brought it up again since ...


Joann

[Inna]

great story and an awesome tail of coming of age so to speak, slowly approaching the "aha" moment.

At this point however, my elephant is more of a.......sugar ant, no longer threatening extinction but rather, always there because of the sweet things in my life. And what is most exciting, no one knows its there in the first place

[Kate Simmons]

Yeah, elephants tend to do that sometimes Honey. Especially when they are hungry.

[Sally24]

I understand getting to the point, especially with close friends, of not wanting to lie. If I was confronted directly I might just answer honestly, depending on who the person is. And I don't agree that you have to sustain the inevitable losses. Be prepared to lose people but I don't think it is impossible to keep all of them. So far in my situation everyone has been really great and understanding. We've told the important people in our lives and the others don't matter that much.

I think we all have to make choices on what kind of risks we want to take longterm. I do enough to keep myself sane. I now have pierced ears and fairly narrow eyebrows. I've had electrolysis and keep my body shaved. I occasionally grow my nails long with high gloss clear polish. All together they are enough to make people wonder but so far, no questions.

Good topic Sara!

[Leah Lynn]

Hello! I'm new to the board. I've read this thread with great interest, because it's a common problem. However, I've seen no mention here about "Metrosexuals", or "Manscaping". I live in desolation here in Iowa, but even here these are familiar terms. I don't work in an office, and dirt and grease are occupational hazards. I told a couple of the guys I work with that I was thinking about manscaping because of dirt and perspiration gatting matted in my body hair. Result is, it would be a nonissue for most. Sorry if this sounds disgusting, but I lost a great job a couple years ago, and I have a disabled wife to take care of. I gotta do whatever it takes to pay the bills.

[ReineD]

Still, it will be an interesting day when I do get specifically called out. If this is pulled in a "Jeopardy" fashion (phrased in the form of a question), then I do think I'll stick to my plan and let honesty prevail.

I have a question.

What would happen if you told your friend and he was perfectly fine with it even to the point of not being bothered if the two of you continued to hang out while you are dressed. Anytime. And what would happen if all your other friends felt the same way and your wife had a change of heart about others not knowing, after the realization there was no unpleasant social consequences to the knowing.

Do you think you'd move towards living full time?