The Other Side of Passing

Let me preface this post by saying that I know it doesn’t apply to everyone here. Now then. There’s much talk about passing, meaning that others perceive you as belonging to the gender as which you’re presenting. But I want to talk about a different kind of passing, closer to the meaning historically used by people of color in the US and by gays and lesbians. In other words, passing as “normal”, whatever normal happens to mean in a particular time and place.

It dawned on me this morning that I’ve been successfully passing as a “normal” cisgender man for several decades now. I conceal and suppress those characteristics and interests that might mark me as effeminate, sissy, or whatever. I hide the fact that I identify with women at least as much as I identify with men. In other words, I hide my transgender identity.

I’m not proud of this. But the fact is, it’s not easy to step up and loudly proclaim who and what you are if it’s not particularly socially acceptable. It can get downright hazardous. I learned early on to suppress my feminine interests and mannerisms in order to avoid getting beaten up and ridiculed by my peers, and to gain approval from my parents and other family. Even now I have little protection under the law if someone decides to discriminate against me because of my gender expression.

I’ve found that over time, as I’ve more fully explored my feminine aspect, that I’ve been able to let more of it leak into my male presentation, but it’s not easy for me. I think it’s this pressure to keep my head down and conform that drives me to maintain two separate identities, one trying to pass as a man, the other trying to pass as a woman.

Anyone else feel this way?

Excellent post Wendy,

Somebody asked me the other day if it was hard for me to learn how to "act like a girl", I said the hardest thing was to learn how to stop pretending I was a man.

I guess you described my life of fourty years! But no more! I now proudly say who I am! I'm not ashame and finally I'm happy!

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Originally Posted by WendyH

Anyone else feel this way?

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Yes.

Masculinity is all about maintaining an illusion of invulnerability. At that very early age when they signed us up to be Manly Men™ they made liars out of us. They said "these are the traits you are allowed to express, all others must be suppressed." Some of us had doubts and questions, and more imagination than was perhaps good for us. We stepped outside that illusion into another one, and found that in some ways we like the other one a bit better. The need to maintain the masculine illusion, though, is ingrained in us just as much as it is ingrained in the culture. So we try to pass, and even when we stop trying to pass for our own sake, we find ourselves doing it for someone else.

I think originally I thought I was passing... But in reality I think people were just not saying anything? I don't know.. But I don't try to hide the fact I'm a guy in a dress.... And I don't hide my feminine tendencys either... apparently my feminiinity shines through... Today in a big departmental meeting, I keep catching this coworker from a different division glancing at me... A lot. All day... No mater where I was setting... Guess I was setting too femininly or something... Or the fact I was wearing a woman's top.... Kind of strange...

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Originally Posted by WendyH

I’ve found that over time, as I’ve more fully explored my feminine aspect, that I’ve been able to let more of it leak into my male presentation, but it’s not easy for me. I think it’s this pressure to keep my head down and conform that drives me to maintain two separate identities, one trying to pass as a man, the other trying to pass as a woman.

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I think you hit the nail right on the head. As I've gotten older, I've started to care less what other people think. And as a result, I'm begining to be more comfortable expressing things outside the norm: pubicly supporting LGBT people within my workplace, taking ballet lessons, performing in two charity drag shows, etc. I'd like to eventually come out to all of my close friends, but I tend to be a very cautious person by nature.

Wow, Wendy what a profound blog. One of the best I've read since I've been on here. Especially since, my wife told my sister in law I am a tg this past weekend lol. It's made me think about hmm....what should I be leaking about my female side? Well, now I intend on telling my daughters, and as far as being more tg in public I don't know at this point but it's pointing more to more female for sure!!

I may be a bit on the other extreme. I didn't understand that I had a feminine side until we discovered Tina...at age 55! So, the "guy" I was until age 55, and there is no question that I was perceived completely as a guy, this guy clearly had some feminine qualities that were completely not understood.

Ok, fast forward to 6 years later and I now understand a lot more about the feminine/masculine mix that was the "guy" for 55 years. Only, now I know a lot of the feminine pieces, and can easily avoid them in guy mode. As a result, I might be more masculine in the eyes of others than I was before! Well, except for the shaped eyebrows, the moisturized skin, the well-kept fingernails, and the feminine jeans (although no one understands that).

So, maybe it's easier to be a guy after we understand what parts of us tend to be feminine! :)

How's that for circular reasoning?

This is a very thoughtful post and one that I can relate to. I realized not that long ago that my "fem" voice I use when dressed and presenting female is no more "fake" than my male voice which I have for years and years deepened, especially around certain people. The fem voice is actually more natural and this is true about a lot of other mannerisms and aspects of life. I am really just coming around to realizing all this and am a much more "natural" acting person but so much of my life I have really hidden being feminine.

I'm wih the others and think this is an excellent thread, one that is thoughtful and we each can contribute to.

Early on I thought it was more important to accept my femininity from within. Though passing makes life easier for TG people, I have no illusions that I could pass in a close encounter. It is enough for me that I be treated with dignity. My hope is that society comes around to valuing all people regardless of their gender. I find feminine males as valid an identity as macho males and that works as well for our FTM brothers and feminine females.

Next time you're out in boy-mode, look around you. Can they tell? Do you pass as a "normal" man? Gasp-that person is looking my direction, they MUST know about me! :)

Wendy,

While I like your general idea, historically, "passing," as a term was never "as normal" but as passing for something you are not. Blacks could be taken for white, Jews could be taken for Aryans... It's one thing appearing to be another. That's not "normal"; it's hoping no one notices you're not normal.

Aside from that point about what "passing" usually means, I do like the idea of "normal" being your foremost thought. My observation of most people is that they can get away with almost anything if they otherwise act generally like everyone else.

It never occurred to me to be shy about crossdressing, and my experience has always been to just go about my business "as normal" when crossdressed. People take their main cues from what I say and do, not from what I am wearing.

Perhaps it's because they can never be sure, on sight alone, if I'm in a play, on my way to "punk" someone, or, just really "out there" on my own. If we speak about something other than my agenda at the time, I respond as I would to anyone at anytime, and while they might go away puzzled, it's no more harm done than if I were shopping at Sears in an admiral's uniform. Sometimes, you just gotta do what you gotta do... For them, it's mostly just an interesting bit of their day.

It surprises most people, by the way, that I have been hassled by "gay bashers" rarely, and only when dressed as a guy, doing the most mundane things - such as getting my car washed or crossing the street to return a library book. It had, as it turned out, more to do with the part of town I was in - and the jerks who came trolling there - than it did me or anyone else. It's only happened a few times in my life, and never when crossdressed. I'm not gay - and other people being gay is nothing I'm interested in worrying about.

Exploring such things a bit further, I think you also touched specifically upon an aspect of life that I'd like to comment on: "Getting beaten up" is a hazard of life and always has been. If someone thinks they need to take some self defense courses, learn how to use a weapon or two, and, needs to get or stay in shape because of a possible car jacking, mugging, or, just running into some rowdies, then they're probably right. Even if they don't think about it, they should probably do it anyway...

Your right to self defense realistically starts and ends with you needing and being able to protect yourself; it is not only, or, entirely useful as "the law" in some text book somewhere.

Last, and related to this "self defense" notion, is that the best protection against being fired, run out of town, etc. is being very very good at something of value to other people. Be a GREAT singer, be a GREAT accountant, be a GREAT something. That way you'll always have value somewhere, and wind up broke and alone nowhere. It's not much perhaps, and you may be underpaid for your skills, but it's easier to manage life with some practical value to others in hand, than to have very little to offer beyond your mere existence on the planet.

Nice post. Be more of yourself.

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Originally Posted by Fab Karen

Next time you're out in boy-mode, look around you. Can they tell? Do you pass as a "normal" man? Gasp-that person is looking my direction, they MUST know about me! :)

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I think that you are right, if you're talking about that really-well-groomed guy behind the Bobbi Brown counter in Macy's... :)

I think some of my feminine gestures are leaking over - but I'm not worried about it really (I'm more worried about using my femme voice by mistake). A friend that's been CDing for years, would not be mistaken for a women when you look directly at him, nor has overly feminine gestures. My friend mentioned that I may notice this happening to me over time: on more than a few occassions when he's in boy mode and walked into a store with his wife, SA's, seeing them come in out of the corner of their eye have said "Hi ladies!", then later on looking directly at my friend, apologized. So the SA's might be picking up some cues in his movements subliminally suggesting a woman.

I've been a "man" my entire life! Never a doubt until I was over 50!

Then, I thot because I found looking fem, and wearing fem clothes exciting, I must be GAY!:eek:

My point is this:
Altho I never had second thots about my gender, I KNEW I wasn't an alpha male! The ones that kicked my and most every other guy's behind in middle school, and banged every girl they could in high school!

So what? I STILL never considered that maybe I wasn't a "guy"!

So, u folks that grew up WITH doubts, or faked masculinity, what did u think u were? Alpha females? Probably not! And, so what if u aren't one now? Most GGs aren't either! Those sexy, shapely, super vixens we see in magazines and movies! The ones that EVERY man dreams of.

I say, if u feel like being a woman, just be the BEST CD/TG/TS u can be! And, don't WORRY about how masculine or feminine your BEST WOMAN IS!:thumbsup:

I really appreciate all the thoughtful responses!

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Originally Posted by Tammy V

I realized not that long ago that my "fem" voice I use when dressed and presenting female is no more "fake" than my male voice which I have for years and years deepened, especially around certain people. The fem voice is actually more natural and this is true about a lot of other mannerisms and aspects of life.

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I can certainly relate to this. Doing a femme voice is the most difficult thing for me to do when presenting as Wendy. Somehow it seems fake and contrived and I'm embarrassed to do it--especially around my wife, interestingly enough.

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Originally Posted by Fab Karen

Next time you're out in boy-mode, look around you. Can they tell? Do you pass as a "normal" man? Gasp-that person is looking my direction, they MUST know about me! :)

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I've been doing this for years! When I was a teenager, I carefully studied and mirrored other guys' postures, the way they held their hands, etc. I was terrified that someone might somehow figure out my secret.

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Originally Posted by Joanagreenleaf

Wendy,

While I like your general idea, historically, "passing," as a term was never "as normal" but as passing for something you are not. Blacks could be taken for white, Jews could be taken for Aryans... It's one thing appearing to be another. That's not "normal"; it's hoping no one notices you're not normal.

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Point well taken. That's the meaning I was trying to capture, but didn't quite make it. Where I live, being "normal", or more accurately, of the highest social status, means being white Anglo-Saxon, male, cisgender, heterosexual, Christian, conservative, Republican, and affluent. Being of mixed ancestry, transgender, agnostic Unitarian Universalist, liberal, and a Democrat, I pass partly by omission--I'm very guarded about my personal life and my beliefs, especially in a business environment. People generally assume you're "one of them" until they find out otherwise. On the other hand, having long hair in a ponytail sort of clues people in that I'm not one of the ruling elite!

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Originally Posted by Stefia S

...on more than a few occassions when he's in boy mode and walked into a store with his wife, SA's, seeing them come in out of the corner of their eye have said "Hi ladies!", then later on looking directly at my friend, apologized. So the SA's might be picking up some cues in his movements subliminally suggesting a woman.

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That has happened to me several times over the years, in various situations. The most recent one was when I was out for dinner with my wife, in male mode. The waitress came up and said, "How are you doing, ladies!", looked at me again, flushed, and apologized.

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Originally Posted by CapHill Kelly

I find feminine males as valid an identity as macho males and that works as well for our FTM brothers and feminine females.

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It's funny that you mention it. On PBS a few nights ago there was a documentary called "Two Spirts" which mentinoed how the Navajo's ascribed four possible genders to people: maculine men, feminine women, feminine men, and mascuine women. The two "additional genders" were not terms for mocking people, but indeed their members were considered special.